<p>From a parents' perspective, our S is not thriving at BS. We've been concerned because he's been left to sink or swim, lost lots of confidence, and has no one really watching out for him. In talking to the school (they of course want to see him stay at BS), they see a solid student, who's not getting into trouble (their measurements) and say "he's fine." I keep emphasizing softer values (is he invisible or do adults engage him? is he supported? who's there when he hits a bump or to notice he's alone in his room too much?). You don't need to be a PhD in teen pyschology to know that a teen left without adult anchors will eventual act out with depression, anger, etc., so I am trying to be proactive. Can you help me, help the school, to define what measurements of success--other than grades-- we can all work towards for the rest of this year?</p>
<p>Grinzing - what are you observing about your son, or what is your son reporting specifically, that has you concerned. Just trying to understand exactly what you perceive as the issues and why there is such a disconnect between your view on your son’s experience and the school’s view?</p>
<p>I’ve shared some of this before, but basically S has little adult involvement at BS. No significant ties so that when he has a good day–no one notices–and when he hits a bump, no one intervenes. What we’ve observed is that son is lost, disengaged, and gliding through school rudderless. So far, he’s held it together with grades and rules–hence school is hands off-- but what we see/hear are plenty of down days that go unnoticed, a loss of confidence, low self-esteem, and no close adults to support. This is not the kid we sent to BS 18 months ago, I can assure you. School doesn’t really disagree with examples we’ve given, it has just been clueless because from their objective measurements, he’s a successful student there (sort of confirming my point that unless he gets in trouble, school is hands off). To us, this is not okay, since kids can be troubled other than by breaking rules or falling off academically.</p>
<p>grinzig,</p>
<p>first i want to say that i do not have a c at BS and I did not go to one. However, while I would not describe my child as shy–he is also an athlete he has always needed a strong push socially, also a push to try new situations.</p>
<p>If he had not been rejected and waitlisted this year 
I would have been thinking and working on this. I would have wanted to know who his house parent (not even sure if this is the right name) was, and that I could contact him at least one a week in the beginning–mostly to put C on his radar, otherwise that probably would not happen, knowing C.</p>
<p>Also, with C I would have set clear assignments for him 
yes clear assignments to make contact through various clubs and organizations through the first two months of school. Given that, I am pretty sure that with these “assignments” he would make new friends, he always has. I also would continue encouraging him to talk to the adults in concrete ways. Always, once he has gotten over these hurdles he has been a happy outgoing boy (even though I would never say that he is extroverted by nature) he is just cautious and initially reserved in new situations.</p>
<p>I’ve actually learned from reading CC that these might be very good expectations for a somewhat reserved boy. I did not want him to be limited to either just dormmates or sports teammates and I also would have wanted him to take advantage of the various opportunities that were offered. I don’t know if this helps you but I have noticed some of your posts and really just want to send good thoughts your way. Can you not talk to his house parent (even under cover if necessary just to ask that they make contact???).</p>
<p>However, even given the success of the above, BS might not have been right for C, he expressed reservations about going away from parents, being alone (without us)–I always knew that I might pull C out even if C had done all the above bkz it just might not have suited my C.
Best wishes, flowers</p>
<p>Is transferring to a school that is more hands on and where the faculty are more engaged in the day to day progress an option? If he’s holding his own in terms of grades, then the new school wouldn’t view him as a risk.</p>
<p>It is not uncommon for students to transfer due to poor fit. How would your son feel if that were a possibility? I know I got creamed by some in the past for saying this - but there are BS where the faculty actually take the time to get to know and “care” about the kids and I described those schools as “nurturing” and more aware of adolescent emotional needs beyond the academic ones.</p>
<p>Grinzing, I want to echo some of flowers’ themes: relationship with adviser and participation in extra-curricular groups. Sounds like he’s a solid, quiet, academic performer who may be suffering a little bit because he’s shy and socially anxious to some degree. (I think that’s a common profile by the way.)</p>
<p>In your shoes, I would fly out to visit f2f with his adviser and/or the Dean of Students to discuss your concerns. I’d start by asking them candidly to tell you if they feel the problem is more yours than your son’s. It’s probably not, but it’s worth acknowledging the role that your perception may play. This approach, which is objective, will also lend additional credibility to the concerns you raise. You’re far away and for ANY parent that’s a big time magnifier of issues that would otherwise not move the worry-meter if you could only assess your child regularly with your own two eyes.</p>
<p>All that being said, I would want to align my son with an adviser who is emotionally and intellectually well suited to kids with that personality profile and who enjoys and seeks out active adviser-advisee relationships. This last bit is important because there are probably more advisers than not who are engaged, but not meaningfully, with their charges. You need meaningful engagement, mentoring.</p>
<p>I would conspire with this adviser to ensure that your son gets dragged/encouraged to join some extracurricular groups that will help him build friendships, overcome shyness, and put him in physical proximity of additional faculty eyes. Often kids will find teachers with whom they naturally bond in non-academic settings, often with teachers who would never otherwise have a relationship with your son were it not for the school play, a newspaper, a charitable cause, a political cause etc. These can be some of the richest relationships.</p>
<p>Finally, I would consider the possibility that your son is a work in progress, that change will be incremental, that there will not be some exciting, rapid personality morph. He is not the extraverted, squeaky wheel so this may move a bit slower than you like and you’ll ache a bit more in the process. BUT - BUT! - the maturity is happening and will continue to happen, the learning, the thick skin, the working up of courage, the involvement - all those things are happening; they really are. He’ll be in a much better mental place when college rolls around, where you can really slip through the cracks completely.</p>
<p>I think this story will turn out well as long as you keep plugging away at it, work with the school, moderate your timetable. My money says he graduates happy and infinitely more self-confident.</p>
<p>@grinzing, I would insist on your son checking in with an advisor, counselor, room parent, coach or teacher once a day. If the school cant find an adult to do that for your son, it’s not the right place. Sorry to be harsh. Don’t second guess your parental instincts. I hope it works out.</p>
<p>Grinzing,
Does your son want to stay? Are there things about the school he likes? Does he have an ok roommate situation?</p>
<p>For me this thread is helpful–but as you can see highlights the difficulties of parenting from far away (and the challenges if BS doesn’t work out so well). Parental instinct says this is NOT healthy, and the schools failure to step up even when pressed (changed advisors, worked with dorm parent) confirms he’s at the wrong place, but depsite that, pulling the plug won’t be healthy either (and yes, ThParent, it might be part of S’s development). It’s not that S loves the school (or anything in particular there) but he’s opposed to the change generally and sees it as an admission of failure. Plus, Jr. year is not the one to experiment with. So we are caught between a rock and a hard place either way. That’s why I am entertaining a game plan where we set forth a goal for meaningful adult engagement and try to hold the school to it–just not sure what that goal looks like.</p>
<p>Have you or your son reached out to the guidance/psychologist type person at your son’s school? It might be a useful step. At my kids school, I know they can be useful for various issues and are generally well respected by the students. They are truly gifted in how they can relate to teens. I’ve met the 2 at my kids school and they are neat people. They could be a sounding board for your son, an advocate for him and your family, someone who might help him by setting up steps with him to build a strategy to become more engaged and get more involved. If nothing else, he’ll probably come away from the experience knowing that he’s definitely not the first to face the issues he is facing and definitely not a “failure”.</p>
<p>Grinzing- a personal example:</p>
<p>My d has always had had a weight issue. I decided to allow her to be the proactive one at bs, but I required her to be weighed once a month at the health center. Her dance teacher and school nurse were/are aware and makes sure she does it. She seems to take much better care of herself there then at home (where mom is). But being weighed is not an option for her, it was my decision. </p>
<p>I spoke to my d and she seemed extremely stressed, yet did want to share her issues with me. I was bothered but told d that she either speak with an adult or proctor because I was concerned. If she didnt feel she could do this then I needed to question her being in bs away from me. She spoke with her proctor, felt tons better (I could hear it in her voice). A few days later she shared that she was stressed because she didnt do as well on a test as she felt she should have and was having a difficult time “balancing” her world. She was right, I really couldnt help her, but there were people there that worked with her and understood her concerns.</p>
<p>My point is I really work with the school and also my child. I make some decisions and allow her to figure out how she wants to handle it.</p>
<p>Make it your decision that he talk to the proctor once a week for 20 minutes. You then e-mail the proctor and ask him to just e-mail you that they spoke, (not what they talked about). The has to be someone in the health service that would be willing to spend some time with him once a week, or a coach, or teacher. What is his favorite class, connect with that teacher share your concerns.</p>
<p>Lastly, ask your son is he happy…point blank. My d can be happy watching a soccer match and reading a book during time outs. I some times worry that my d is just sitting around campus , alone, reading a book and allowing activities to pass her by. I required her to take part in her community. </p>
<p>Good Luck:-).</p>
<p>Yes, You’re game plan sounds good. Don’t ask, tell. There has to be at least one adult in that institution who will be as concerned as you to help him through this rough patch. I strongly believe this is not to be taken lightly.</p>
<p>alex825mom,</p>
<p>i just wanted to say you sounded like a great caring mom in this post! spoken from someone who is a sidelines type of person, sometimes it’s o.k. – i think BS seems so great to me bkz it gives you an opportunity to hone those leadership skills early on, how to be involved, etc. Then it’s just pick and choose. I had to learn a lot of this remedially on the job in my late twenties! way harder that way although i did well :)</p>
<p>Gringzing, I’m thinking good thoughts for you and the kid. You know him best, and whatever your gut says, that’s what you should do. </p>
<p>With that being said, I find myself nodding at Thacherparent’s observations, mainly because that was me 32 years ago. I am not sure I would like to repeat my highschool years - too much focus on work, lonely, not enough extracurriculars other than sports - but I can’t argue with the fact that I did learn a lot about self-reliance and getting the job done. </p>
<p>I think the prescription of getting a kid “dragged out to some extra-curriculars” could be a good compromise - I eventually dragged myself out to glee club, which was a huge improvement - and I would have been grateful to anyone who would have dragged me out a year earlier. Trying to remember way back when, I would think it would be easier to be taken care of by one’s peers than by an advisor - kind of feels more fun. But the advisor can work magic in the background by causing the dragging-out to happen</p>
<p>At any rate, sending good karma.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree with specific measureable goals for your son this term. How about:
- One extracurricular activity. Even though it’s late in the year, many activities can still take on a newcomer. Write for the school newspaper if so inclined (maybe a comfortable start for an introvert).
- Mandatory participation in dorm activities. Are there weeknight snack breaks? Tell him it’s your expectation that he goes, tell the dorm advisor, and it should happen. A small thing (that may well already happen) but I think that having good peer connections, through extracurriculars, sport, or dorm, can be key to overall confidence, happiness, and getting one’s groove back. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.</p>
<p>Grinzing – its heart-rending when your kid suffers and you are helpless to help b/c of the circumstances such as distance. I feel for you.
I do have a question, and forgive me if I misread/misinterpreted something. You say that he doesnt have day to day adult involvement. Does he need day to day adult involvement? From what I know of my child and his friends - they didnt seek out day to day involvement. My s did have some teachers that he liked better than others and he would approach them if he wanted to share something, usually after class. Teachers love the engaged student approach. Is the issue that your son is not making many friends and in that way needs adults to substitute? In which case this is a wholly different issue and we all must put on a collective cc thinking hat to figure out how to help. If he has a healthy social life, does reasonably well in classes, I dont see that a school will be concerned. If he doesnt have a healthy social life then an adult day to day point person is not the answer, and you need to look at possible causes to come up with solutions.</p>
<p>I don’t think that’s what’s happening. I think the “day to day” involvement is that at some point - as parents - we are hoping the faculty are watching the students with enough sensitivity to notice if one is not thriving emotionally and help find resources or strategies to put them on the right path.</p>
<p>Why I think that is a reasonable expectation - is that school’s - especially some of the HADES - have been criticized for not noticing other issues (signs of depression, etc.) and intervening before the problem spirals.</p>
<p>So I gave Grinzing the example from Taft that matches the one that Alexzmom shared about Deerfield - high achieving kids hitting a rough patch during the adjustment phase and an adult noticed, intervened (or at least asked if they could help) and the situation was resolved. Compare that to faculty who take a hands off approach - something I find odd given that the majority of the campus population is comprised of minors.</p>
<p>So what she’s asking from the school is not unreasonable - that the “guardians” help direct the student to something that will enhance his total BS experience. Taft, for instance, operates like a community and every faculty member knows every kid. So why would a parent expect less from a HADES environment? Human kindness and a little common sense - or at least intervention from a counselor.</p>
<p>I think that a key measure of successful BS life is a high self esteem. As we have read on CC, plenty of adults or students who seemed to be happy with their BS careers, some of them probably with not-so-great GPAs. But they are happy because they have something else to fall back on, such as great friendships and enjoyable extracurricular activities, which likely provided a boost in self esteem.</p>
<p>So how can you ask BS to measure self esteem? Perhaps you can ask the school (and your child) to keep you posted on how often your child engages faculty members. If he feels good about himself, he will not hesitate to ask for help. BTW, I thought that a major attractive feature of a BS education is to be able to develop the confidence and ability to approach faculty members for help. Incidentally this may be one of the reasons why BS graduates do better in colleges.</p>
<p>If how often the faculty engagement occurs is used as a yardstick for your child’s success, the faculty probably will try harder to engage him to improve that number. Over time your child will feel more comfortable asking for help after the classes, perhaps eventually even becomes an active participant in the classes. BTW, I believe the ability to lead discussions in classes is an important contributing factor in favorable college admission outcomes.</p>
<p>Just a thought. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>I want to underscore Exie’s post. I think we, as parents, may be trying to get at a fundamental issue here. Yes, we are often sending our minors far from home. Yes, we think they are ready. Yes, they are smart. Yes, yes…they are still adolescents in the middle of developing themselves…imperfect…I am sure people here have read the recent research on adolescent brain development? And SO…‘in loco parentis’ has to mean SOMETHING. What are the boarding schools doing about it? Are some doing a better job than others? I am hearing Exie giving a ringing endorsement of Taft on this…and Grinzing, having questions about that school. As parents, we should all be interested in this. It is not just a matter of a kid being bright enough…extroverted enough…tough enough (input your yardstick here…)…it is a matter of how sensitive & serious the schools are in taking their in loco parentis job seriously…or not. Adolescent relationships will never take the place of sensitive, aware adults.</p>
<p>Grinzing, I’ve followed your concerns for a while now, and my advice would be to bring your son home. I don’t know what school he attends, I remember that you mentioned it was a smaller one. To feel so lost and under the radar at a small school is not a good sign. It’s an awful lot of money to spend for your and your child to be so unhappy during some pretty formative years. I disagree with the poster who thought it would hurt college admissions. I’ve seen kids transfer within prep schools (some voluntarily, others not!) and a couple from prep back to public and it didn’t seem to hurt them one bit in college admissions. I would cite “family reasons” if asked about the move back home. Life is just too short to keep a kid in a situation that is clearly not working for him or you.</p>