<p>it's sad, but it happens to many of us. I have to make white lie after white lie after white lie to people, pretending to be something I'm not, pretending to like things I don't like, pretending to be conform to social norms I don't like, pretending to choose things because I like them, even though circumstances forced me to choose those things. It's killing me, it is, even though it's necessary. I'm not living the life I've chosen, and this will only become more true as time goes on (barring significant advances in technology, although I think they will ultimately come in a few decades, even if a few decades later than Kurzweil thinks). My parents have so much leverage over me and their demands are getting more stressful and tiresome. My peers are growing older, more conservative, and more judgmental, so I always have to look for younger and younger people to friend, but as they grow up, they trend in the same directions. perhaps some personalities are stable, but I notice that I tire of things a lot quicker than I used to (but then web 2.0 produces so much amusement, vapid amusement for sure, but amusement). Other than things that give me adrenaline rushes. I don't even need much to live what I want to live for. But it will sink under parental pressure, since my parents have so much leverage over me, and I have no choice but to submit. And to pretend to others that I submitted on my own desire, even though it's their desire. It's not even a harsh life - it's just a life of double standards. Sometimes I want to change my life and throw my identity away, but sometimes I want to keep the same identity just so that a small fraction of people will find it amusing and I want to be as amusing as possible for that small fraction of people. I wish I could look for unconditional love in animals, but they're repetitive and won't understand and I can hardly take care of myself - so it's not as if I can take care of more than myself anyways.</p>
<p>and then sometimes I think about The Sims, which makes me feel somewhat better. i try all these depersonalization strategies - i look at these photos of myself, and tell myself that they're all photos of my brother. Sometimes it's actually believable, even though he's nothing like me. But there's still something inside me that I want to keep and portray to others, at least, for the small subset of people who might find me amusing enough to laugh at me (and who knows how long I'll be amusing to them; once I cease to be amusing, I must find another cohort of people). And that's difficult to reconcile with complete depersonalization. i've lied about my name and age to people. maybe it's not lying, since legal name changes always follow some time after someone adopts a new name to use. obviously the best strategy is just to go on emotional autopilot when i'm supposed to interact with others, and then to take off my emotional autopilot when i'm by myself, not forced to pretend to be things i'm not. my parents want to change me, but i'm just pretending to change, since personality is largely immalleable after a certain age. </p>
<p>but in the end, it's just <em>that kid</em>. That kid who is amusing to an external observer. I control that kid. He's my robot. He provides me with a means of observing the world. A world that is interesting to say the least. Even if frustrating. Even if the Amazon Rainforests get cut down, it will still be interesting (as if that kid will ever visit the amazon; no; he's too lazy). I just wish I could dissociate my emotions from how other people perceive that kid. Even if they perceive that kid erroneously (which they will). When they do, it still affects me. But I'm hurt. Even though I could be much worse, even though I REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. Even though I don't need to pursue academia to have the food and shelter I need so that I can think about things I like. Why, oh why, oh why.</p>