<p>Help! I need some advice. My daughter informed me over the weekend that she has been "hanging out with her English professor". I have been sick to my stomach since she told me this news on Thursday during the car ride heading back home from school for Easter. </p>
<p>I promise that I am not a troll! I'm just a mom looking for some advice on how to handle this news. </p>
<p>A little background on us and what she told me along with what I've found out from snooping. MY daughter is in her freshman year and had a great first semester. She handled moving out of then house and into a suite with 7 other girls just great. No drama, etc. I was used to girl drama while she was in high school so I was expecting it but she has been doing great. </p>
<p>Anyway, She was becoming a little distant the past 4 weeks or so but I just assumed she was busy with school work. We usually text several times per day and talk at least once or twice for a few minutes too. She calls me to check in while she's walking to class and we skype about once a week at night so she can say hello to her dad. She's our only child and is usually very open with me (not my husband) about everything. Her contact with me at night wasn't as often and I never questioned her on it because if I don't need her for anything, I'm not going to bother her. </p>
<p>I almost crashed the car when she told me. I couldn't believe that my 19 year old would ever consider being involved with a professor. To add to everything it's the professor she told me about at the beginning of the semester who met two other female students for happy hour. She even called him creepy and I didn't think much of it when she told me about it other than thinking the guy is a jackass! A few weeks later she told me that he was asking her friend in all these questions when she showed up about 10 minutes early for the class. He asked her if she had a boyfriend, etc. My daughter was laughing about him in February and told me that he was very good looking but called him creepy again. During spring break in March when she was home she emailed him her rough draft paper and asked him to critique it. I was sitting next to her on the couch when he emailed her back and she was a little uncomfortable because he was asking her questions about what she was doing on St. Patty's day. I couldn't believe that he was going back and forth with her on e-mail. I remember telling her to stop talking about anything personal with that guy because he was a creep. She seemed to agree at that time.</p>
<p>Fast forward 4 short weeks..... My daughter is now involved with him. I have checked my cellular phone carrier and they're texting NON STOP! I can also tell that she's spending nights at his house because of her debit card history. I know his home town from looking him up on Facebook and there are two transactions from his town and the school is about 25 miles away. Since I noticed they were texting non stop I ended up looking at her text messages when she left her phone in another room. Dear God... he's telling her all sorts of BS and she's falling for it. He even told her he loved her! Really... I can't make this crap up. It seems as if she's falling for this guy and I don't know what to do. </p>
<p>BTW... He's 34 and after looking through some pictures on Facebook that aren't private, he likes the girls young. If you're wondering, this isn't my daughters first relationship. She had a boyfriend for 1 year her sophomore year and another her junior and senior year but they broke up before she left for school. </p>
<p>I'm having visions of calling his cell phone and telling him to end it NOW or I'll be notifying the schools he teaches at and will do everything in my power to ruin his career. I also think I need to let it run it's course and she'll be home in 3 weeks for the summer. She told me that he's going to Europe for 3 months this summer so that's good news. I also feel like getting in my car and driving the 3.5 hours to his house or other schools he teaches at and confront him in person. </p>
<p>Help! I've cried many many tears over this and I'm at a loss. She's 19 but I feel like I have to do something. This isn't just some guy she met at a bar or a mall. This is a guy who crossed that line as a professor and is just a real JERK!!</p>
<p>As gross and unprofessional as it is, I think that you should maybe let it runs it’s course. If he so forward and obviously interested in younger girls more than likely it wont last too long. If you try to take him away from you will compromise the trust your daughter has for you.</p>
<p>Let her know that you think the relationship is inappropriate. She is going to get hurt. There is no way a 34 YO prof is going to get serious about a 19 YO freshman. He is using her and she needs to know that. </p>
<p>He could easily lose his job over this because she is in his class and that could be construed as sexual harrassment even if the rela is consensual. He might not be a creep, depends on one’s definition, but he isn’t too bright to risk his job in this economy. You simply can’t party with your students. It is indefensible. </p>
<p>Let her know you won’t stand for it and patiently explain why. Let her know you will contact him or the school if she doesn’t get the message. Talk to her. Let her know he is using her as a fun-toy. She will get hurt is she doesn’t realize it sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>I also want to add that we had one of the biggest arguments we’ve ever had on Saturday night when I started asking her questions on how often she see’s him etc. She was furious when I told her that I can almost guarantee that she’s not his first and won’t be his last and that I have no respect for someone like him. She was getting very defensive and telling me that I can’t judge someone that I’ve never met. I tried to remind her that she called him a creep for 2 months and now she’s with him. She asked me if i wanted to actually meet him. I was furious and said that I will never set eyes on him and he will never be welcome in my house. It just got very ugly from there. It was a long ride back yesterday. It’s just breaking my heart. Oh… and even worse… I can’t bring myself to tell my husband. I’m afraid of what he’d do and especially afraid of what would happen to her since she’s in his class. Would they pull her credits? English is her strongest subject so it sure as heck isn’t going to look good when he gives her an A.</p>
<p>Oh, I am so sorry this is going on in your lives. I can’t imagine dealing with this if it was my daughter, my family, my emotions.</p>
<p>So what exactly did your daughter tell you about the relatinship first hand? I think that will help us answering you. We know what you found out on your oun. How much did she share?</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure this guy is in violation of his institution’s rules if she is a student enrolled in his class. Is he an adjunct, or a permanent faculty member?</p>
<p>Try not to let it break your heart. She will learn a lesson here one way or the other. But I don’t think it’s heart breaking either way. It is just a mistake. A painful one but nothing more. </p>
<p>My advice, if you want it. </p>
<p>Tell her clearly you are looking out for her best interests and he isn’t. It is easy for a 34 YO prof to make a FR feel special. It is a charade. He is playing her. Tell her you WILL repeat WILL tell her father if you have too. </p>
<p>The poster before me makes a good point about losing her trust if you interfere. That seems to be a common fear on CC. Well, tough nookies. You have to do what you believe is right. Don’t let fear run your life. </p>
<p>If you do tell your H and he decides to handle it the old fashioned way, well, at least you’ll know the 34 YO prof is going to get what he deserves. I think YOU should call the dean of academic affairs if your D doesn’t respect your wishes and end it pronto. </p>
<p>There are times you have to lay down the law and this is one of them. Don’t apologize for being a parent. I am not always right when I do stuff my kids don’t like but I guarantee you one thing they know I am fighting for them win, loss or draw. They get ****ed sometimes but since I almost always turn out to be right they do listen. Hell, they have to.</p>
<p>She told me that he’s only been teaching for 3 years and that he teaches at 3 other local colleges. I assume he’s part time faculty? I found him listed as faculty on 2 out of the 3 schools she told me. Does anyone know what would happen to my daughter if I called the school?</p>
<p>She asked me if I wanted to actually meet him. </p>
<p>I’m sure he has even less interest in meeting the mother of a student towards whom he is behaving inappropriately than you have in meeting him. What if you agreed to meet him? Do you think he would refuse, and your daughter would begin to understand that he is just using her? So sorry for what you’re going through.</p>
<p>Nothing will happen to your daughter if you contact the school. </p>
<p>The 34 YO is using his classes as a place to pick up chicks? Mention high priced lawyers and big lawsuits if you need to but you won’t need to any dean on earth is going to hit the roof the minute they find out. </p>
<p>The guy is toast. </p>
<p>You have his private parts in your hands. </p>
<p>Document the relationship with chat logs or something but the last thing you have to worry about is the school getting mad at your D. She is the victim here.</p>
<p>Sax- She didn’t get too specific with me other than to say that they have gone to dinner and hang out at his place. She tried to give me a good sales pitch about him and I just wasn’t buying anything she said. She said he admits to making a mistake by contacting her the way he did but he claims he can be “naive”. She’s so smitten with him that she wasn’t listening to anything I said especially when we ended up in a shouting match.</p>
<p>needadvice, he is almost certainly an adjunct, a part-timer with no job security. If you report him, he will not be rehired. He should be fired. He is essentially a predator. He probably brags at parties about what a deal he has going, teaching part-time at three colleges full of young women who are easily flattered by the attentions of a “professor”.</p>
<p>I have a 19 yr. old daughter, who is a freshman. If this were my daughter, I would report this guy. I don’t believe there would be any reprisals from the university against your daughter.</p>
<p>EDIT: BTW, my husband was for many years the chairman of his department, which put him in charge of hiring/firing adjuncts. There is no question he would have fired this guy. And there is no question what he would do if the victim was his daughter, either.</p>
<p>Just sending you some hugs and moral support. This is right up there with a psychiatrist dating his patient; he’s a professor and she’s a student not only at his college but in his class? Augh. I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this right now and I hope all is well (for you and her!) soon.</p>
<p>You phone bills probably show hundreds of text messages from his cell to her cell at odd hours; you don’t need anything more than that to show that his behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable. A print out of last month’s - with a cover letter - to his department chair would be more than enough to get him away from her school. And there would be no repercussions for her. The school will be embarrassed and will be grateful to be finding out about this quietly.</p>
<p>Don’t call the school. One, your adult daughter may become very angry with you for interfering. It could profoundly affect your close relationship. Two, after you call the school you force them to investigate and (likely) fire the guy. But before he’s fired your daughter could face some very unpleasant questions from the school. And that’s unlikely to make things better between the two of you! </p>
<p>Tell your daughter you’re worried she’s seeing a guy she recently called “a creep.” Tell her his behavior is unprofessional, irresponsible and exploitative. Tell her that the most mature thing for her to do is to sever the relationship. But once you make your feelings clear, back off. The next step should be up to her.</p>
<p>PS. For what it’s worth - I know a professor who, in his mid-30s, started seeing a 20 year old student. She was in one of his classes, then transfered because of a scheduling conflict, so he technically wasn’t “her” professor, but still. Anyway, they stayed together. Got married. Today they have 3 college-age sons. Hey, it happens.</p>
<p>*I’m sure he has even less interest in meeting the mother of a student towards whom he is behaving inappropriately than you have in meeting him. What if you agreed to meet him? Do you think he would refuse, and your daughter would begin to understand that he is just using her? So sorry for what you’re going through. *</p>
<p>I was thinking the same thing. I would agree to meet him. And, either he will refuse, or you will get to meet him and kind of “feel him out” (so to speak). </p>
<p>Either way…since he’s going to Europe for the summer, this thing won’t last.</p>
<p>ACCecil- Thank you for your advice! I was very worried about the school possibly punishing her or taking her credits away. Do you really think they would consider a 19 year old a victim? I believe without a doubt that he abused his power and preyed on her but being a victim? It does take 2 people for a relationship, right? She could have turned him down.</p>
<p>Could you possibly be over reacting? I’m just remembering my college days when I would flirt with my professors. It’s totally natural. If it’s gone beyond flirting, well then, she’s going to get her heart broken. But it won’t be the last time. Let things run their course.</p>
<p>Summer cannot come soon enough! I am so sorry this is happening.</p>
<p>Since the semester will soon end, I would suggest that at this point you be supportive and love the kid who is likely to end up on your couch sobbing. If you say “I told you so” or continue to express outrage, you will alienate your daughter. She knows by now how you feel.</p>
<p>As difficult as all this is, your daughter does not want the stigma that would come from being the student whose mother got the prof in trouble. Also, forbidding a relationship makes it all the more compelling. I doubt that you want her to carry on deceitfully.</p>
<p>Continue to express your concern for her and her feelings. If you report the guy while she is still enamored, she will be angered when university administrators want to interview her, etc. and may deny the whole thing. Her university reputation would be damaged.</p>
<p>If the summer break does not cool things down, I would then consider reporting to the administration. The indiscrete facebook photos suggest an immature man who wants to be noticed.</p>
<p>Decisiontimemom-A friend of mine suggest the whole meeting thing too. I just don’t think I have the strength to welcome this JERK into my house or even meet him somewhere. I am sickened by the thought of him.</p>
<p>Firstly, you should tell your H. You shouldn’t keep important items like this from him.</p>
<p>
Sure - tell her to invite him to your house to meet her parents. It’d be interesting to see how he’d respond to that invite. We both know he’s not interested in the parents - he’s interested in young (i.e. much younger than him) girls. </p>
<p>The guy needs to be fired. Your D needs to open her eyes and see this for what it is.</p>