Help me achieve a perfect essay on June 2, 2007

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Here's the deal: I need a perfect essay, and I need your help to do it.</p>

<p>Here's the plan: Every day in school, I will write a timed, 25 minute essay using topics from past SAT's. When I get home, I will type it up, get it scored using Rocketscore, and post it on here. After I post it, you can give any advice you think I may need, and I will do my best to implement it the next day. You will then see how successful I was in using the advice and (hopefully) improving my writing.</p>

<p>I have 10 school days before the June SAT. Therefore, you will see at least ten essays. Wish me luck, and help me achieve the perfect score!</p>

2

<p>First Instalment:</p>

<p>“Are all important discoveries the result of focusing on one subject?”</p>

<hr>

<p>Throughout millennia, mankind has made prodigious amounts of discoveries. Most often, these discoveries do not come from tenacious diligence, but rather from entirely serendipituous, chance events. Therefore, it can be said that the large majority of important discoveries stem from almost “fluke-like” circumstances. This is displayed throughout three great works of literature spanning very different genres.</p>

<pre><code>The notion that our most important discoveries are the result of unintended, chance events is exemplified throughout Marquez’s novella Chronicle of a Death Foretold. The story, set in a mundance Spanish town, finds the protagonist Nassar obliviously unaware of an evolving scheme to end his – Nassar’s – life. When he finally does make the pertinent discovery of his planned demise, he does so under entirely serendipituous circumstances. Although he found out about the plan too late for it to be stopped, his importance discovery was uncovered through a completely chance event.

The idea that our most necessary discoveries stem from unrelated events is also espoused throughout the masterful novel The Setting Sun. The protagonist of the story – Kazuko – is found in an emotionally unstable state as she is caring for her dying mother. Her subsequent distraught disposition, however, is the one thing that allows her to gain precious insight into her own life. She makes her most important self discovery – her want for love – while participating in an entirely unrelated discipline. As a result, she was able to stumble upon her most important discovery completely through serendipituous, unrelated event.

Furthermore, the cognisance that our most important discoveries are frequently the result of dedication towards unrelated tasks is exemplified in the novel The Cave. Cipriano Algor, an elderly potter, hatches a plan to store his surplus wares in an old, hollowed out cave. As he is in the process of doing this, he remarks that future generations are likely to gain important insight upon his era through the fluke discovery of his wares – within the cave.

As shown through three works of literature, out most important discoveries are frequently the result of unintended circumstances. However, this is not to say that all discoveries are made in this manner – many great scientific advances are the result of focused, diligent work. Nevertheless, most personal gains – the ones most important to a single person – are usually made in a chance event.
</code></pre>

<hr>

<p>Rocket Score 2: 8.9
Rocket Score 3: 10.3
Rocket Score 4: 11.7</p>

<p>382 Words</p>

<p>
[quote]
Fancy (SAT-type) words impress human graders, but using too many fancy words can seem like you’re trying to show off.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
Your essay would probably receive a higher grade if the organization of your ideas were more apparent from sentence to sentence and from paragraph to paragraph. Give your SAT readers more “signposts” to help them follow your arguments.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
At least two of your pronoun references are vague or ambiguous. A human SAT grader would find your ideas easier to follow if you reviewed your pronouns and made sure that each one referred to a specific noun.

[/quote]
</p>

3

<p>-I don't like 3 literary examples in a row. "Throughout millennia, mankind has made prodigious amounts of discoveries" makes me think you're going to talk about reality.</p>

<p>-Too many big words, it seems forced.</p>

4

<p>In some cases, it's better to use two examples and develop them more. Even though TECHNICALLY longer essays do better... I think that your essay would have been better if you had explained your ideas better instead of just touching upon them.</p>

5

<p>Communicate with the reader. Don't throw in fancy words. Keep it simple. Fill in all the spaces provided. 5 paragraphs-specific example for each body paragraph. Solid thesis. </p>

<p>12/12</p>

6

<p>Thanks guys; I'll try to implement the suggestions in my next essay, as I only got these comments afterschool (after I wrote my second essay)</p>

<p>I'll type it up and post it in a second</p>

7

<p>Second Instalment:</p>

<p>“Do we value only what we struggle for?”</p>

<hr>

<p>It seems an immutable aphorism that those things which we obtain easily are frequently overlooked, and likewise, those possesions that we struggle for are found valuable when finally attained. Indeed, mankind has a history and disposition towards only holding dear those things which took assiduous effort to obtain. This theme of only valuing what we struggled for is conspicuously shown within two great works of literature and the life of a virtuoso poet.</p>

<pre><code>The notion that our most valuable possessions are only those that we took great strides to obtain is illustrated throughout the novel The Setting Sun. The story finds the protagonist, Kazuko, taking great strides to do everything in her power to help her ill mother. Kazuko struggles through her own existance to provide the most beneficial help to her mother, and as a result her mother’s frail life is seen as invaluable. Contrastingly, at the same time Kazuko’s brother – Naoji – is presented as struggling to free himself from the perils of a fatal drug addiction. In his poetry, he frequently discerns his wishes to be free of his sin, and is shown as a character greatly valuing that which he struggles for – a life free from drugs.

Furthermore, the theme that we value only that which we struggle for is eclectically presented in Marquez’s novella Chronicle of a Death Foretold. An unnamed narrator is struggling to uncover the cause of a gruelling murder that took place in a mundane Spanish town twenty years ago. Through his efforts, he discovers the whole town guilty of the crime, but comes to appreciate the circumstances that lead to the murder. This example further champions the notion that we value only which we struggle for.

Finally, the maxim that we esteem only that which took great effort to achieve is not limited to literature. Take the life of Sylvia Plath. This talented poet ached for proper love throughout her life, but the destitute she finds instead is reflected in her works. In some of her most appraised poems, she confesses the value she gives to life. Unfortunately, her mindset becomes destructive, and she eventually commited suicide – in her last poem, she cites the predominant reason a failure to find that which she values – sincere love.

As shown within two novels and the experience of an eminent poet, that which we value is indeed only that which we struggle for. I think ruefully of countless examples from my own life in which I took easily attainable possessions for granted while holding those that took an arduous effort to get more dear. As a consequence of this mindset, it may seem that humanity is doomed to appreciating only the things that are difficult to achieve; constraining us from holding dear the simple joys of a blooming flower or the spring rain.
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<hr>

<p>Rocket Score 2: 11.1
Rocket Score 3: 11.3
Rocket Score 4: 12</p>

<p>468 Words</p>

<p>
[quote]
Fancy (SAT-type) words impress human graders, but using too many fancy words can seem like you’re trying to show off.

[/quote]
</p>

8

<p>use substantiate and exemplify</p>

9

<p>^ what??????</p>

10

<p>"immutable aphorism that those things which we obtain easily are frequently overlooked"
Whoa! Wordy! All of these words are great in an otherwise concise and simple sentence... but together, they muddle things up. It's difficult to tell exactly what you mean. I know that it's difficult to cure yourself of SAT-Word-Fever (I used to insert as many long words as a I could into my essays, too), but TRUST ME. You'll get a better score if you use these types off words sparingly!</p>

<p>Also, once again, try to use some examples other than literary ones. I think that you were pushing it with Sylvia Plath- your example didn't really make much sense... or, you didn't justify how the prompt relates to her life very well. What I'm trying to say is- I understand what you were TRYING to say... but you were very wordy and didn't get to the point, so your essay didn't prove anything to me.</p>

<p>Try to use some historical examples. SAT graders seem to like those =P</p>

11

<p>Gah, the thing is, I don't take history -- therefore no knowledge :(</p>

<p>Must get to the point. Got it. Will try again today :)</p>

12

<p>wow...the words are so....BIG.....damn</p>

13

<p>


To supplement my worth colleague's statement: While better essays tend to be longer, just making an essay longer won't make it better.</p>

14

<p>^Yes. I just reread my comment in the quote... and I didn't explain myself very well. SAT graders are grading you on how well you respond to the prompt, not how many examples you can fit in during the period. Don't use big words and tip toe around the topic... address it directly! Make sure that your example's connection to the prompt is clear. Support, support, support =) We had to do many 'reader response essays' in my history class last year. My teacher was NOT impressed by fancy language or brilliant sentence construction. Many times, I walked out of class thinking that I had written a great essay, only to have my paper returned with a giant "ATQ!!!!!" at the top. ATQ = answer the question. It's so elementary, yet so often forgotten =)</p>

15

<p>Do you write real tiny because there is only 2 pages for the essay, and I wrote in my normal (kinda large) handwriting. However, I fit in 5 paragraphs...I thought my May essay was decent.</p>

16

<p>Third Instalment:</p>

<p>“Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?”</p>

<hr>

<p>Since the dawn of time, human beings have been on a relentless pursuit of ever improving, changing, and fixing. It was not, however, until the last hundred years did changes that can drastically modify the human life take place. Technological changes have promised to make life easier; however, they have only seldom been able to improve the quality of life. Therefore, it seems an immutable statement that changes are frequently unable to make life better. This viewpoint is exemplified throughout many great works of literature.</p>

<pre><code>Sarago’s masterful novel The Cave greatly espouses the notion that technological changes that make life easier rarely succeed in making life better. Set in a tawdry villa, The Cave explores the life of a mundane potter – Cipriano Algo – and his realization that technological improvements seldom make life better. One day, Ciprian is forced to move into a ponderous metropolitan area known as “The Center.” The Center promises a life completely servile upon technology – it is able to provide virtual experiences of every day, environmental life – and its inhabitants do not ever have to leave the area. However, as Cipriano quickly finds, all the technological advances in The Center are largely superfluous, and quickly realizes that all the amnedities (DAMMIT WHAT IS THE RIGHT WORD?) the Center provides create a meaningless, empty life. The changes that were supposed to make his life easier did not make it better, and the novel ends with Cipriano leaving the Center, back to his impoverished – but overall better – life.

Additionally, the maxim that most changes that make life easier fail to make life better is presented within Marquez’s masterful novella Chronicle of a Death Foretold The protagonist of the story is found exploring a ghastly murder that took place over twenty years ago in a mundane Spanish town. However, when he uncovers the mystery, and presents it to the townspeople – a change that was supposed to make their life easier – the town quickly finds itself reprehensible for the crime, and thus the lives of the townspeople became, unfortunately, worse.

As seen throughout literature, changes that make our lives easier seldom make those lives better. However, this is not to say that it is always like this – think of medical advances. Regardless, most frequently changes that make life easier fail to make it better.
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<p>Rocket Score 2: 9.2
Rocket Score 3: 9.2
Rocket Score 4: 10</p>

<p>383 Words</p>

<p><strong>MY THOUGHTS</strong> I tried to use less examples and go into them more, but, unfortunately, I think I just ended up retelling the story. I also tried to refrain myself from using too many SAT words. I think both of these elements resulted in a weaker essay; you be the judge</p>

17

<p>Strengths: Vocab is good and less overdone than your other essays in this thread. Thesis is strong, specific literary examples are great, etc.</p>

<p>Suggestions:
Make sure you don't get too caught up in "intelligent" sentences... because it seems like you sacrifice clarity and efficiency of grammar/structure for elaborate vocabulary (although like I said before, this is better than it was). A good example of this is your second sentence... while I know what you're trying to say, the way you said it is very awkward structurally.</p>

<p>Another thing you might want to try is to give examples from other areas of life, and not just literature... you can still have valid, solid proof for a thesis even if it isn't from literature. Maybe some science or history, whatever you're familiar with.</p>

<p>P.S. I think "the word" is amenities.... hahaha.</p>

18

<p>^ Thanks for the comments. I kind of got stuck on the second sentence (as I was writing it, I got stuck at the word "did"..I read it over and over to myself and was like "this sentence makes almost no sense..what was I thinking when I started to write it?".. LOL)</p>

<p>And I don't have any examples other than from the three books I always use (the cave, setting sun, chronicle of a death foretold). I don't take history, and don't want to risk writing about any recent topics in the news because the grader may be partisan towards the topic. As for science, I don't follow any developments other than learning my curriculum. The only thing left to do is to use personal examples, but those frequently result in a diminished mark</p>

19

<p>If you're only going to use literary examples, don't start with an intro like:</p>

<p>"Since the dawn of time, human beings have been on a relentless pursuit of ever improving, changing, and fixing. It was not, however, until the last hundred years did changes that can drastically modify the human life take place. "</p>

<p>This sounds very historical. You offer no support whatsoever and it has almost no relation to the body of your essay.</p>

20

<p>
[quote]
"Since the dawn of time, human beings have been on a relentless pursuit of ever improving, changing, and fixing. It was not, however, until the last hundred years did changes that can drastically modify the human life take place. "

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This could use some reworking. I think it's a tense issue. You have man since the dawn of time working in the present tense in the first sentence. In the second sentence you disuss changes "that can drastically modify". It's an event in the past, it's better to say "changes that drastically modified" human life. Getting this right is more important than adding on superfluous vocabulary.</p>

<p>I'd strongly suggest finding some historical version of your three literary references. Pick three historical movements which had social or economic effects and learn the basics so that you can apply them in an essay. This doesn't have to be an AP History type level of knowledge, just enough to make a passing reference which is appropriate. It seems that as long as it's not grossly wrong you won't be marked down for not being perfectly correct.</p>