Help me score my SAT essay, please?

<p>Assignment: What is your belief on the notion that more knowledge makes one happier?</p>

<p>Many people believe that more knowledge equals more happiness. However, the well-known proverb "Ignorance is bliss" may actually be more veracious than people think. Many times, people are hurt by the truth. Therefore, more knowledge doesn't make one happier because the truth can be devastating and have a negative impact on one's life. My grandmother and Josie Cormier, a character in the book "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult illustrate this point.</p>

<p>My grandmother used to be this energetic, happy, healthy person. Everyday she'd tutor me English and after that we'd spend hours playing Hide-n-Seek or board games. I remember my grandma used to laugh and smile every time we went to visit her. But one day my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. My other aunt, out of kindness, told my grandma. After that, my grandma became an entirely different person. She never came out of her depression. Over the years, she has lost at least 25 kilograms and up to this day, I still haven't seen her smile and laugh. More knowledge in this case certainly didn't make my grandma happier. It made her miserable.</p>

<p>Another instance in which knowledge made a person unhappy is Josie Cormier's situation. In the novel "Nineteen Minutes", Josie tried to look for her father who left her before she was even born. After searching up his address on the Internet, she went to pay him a visit. Her father, instead of felling happy to see her, merely regarded her as a "complication" to his political campaign (he's a politician). Instead of warmly welcoming her into his house, he gave her $300 and basically told her to go away and keep her mouth shut. Josie was devastated by the knowledge that she wasn't important to her father. Shortly after the visit, she broke into sobs. Even her boyfriend couldn't fully comfort her. More knowledge, especially those about her father, didn't make Josie a happier person at all.</p>

<p>In conclusion, the truth hurts sometimes, so more knowledge doesn't make one happier. My grandmother and Josie Cormier certainly wasn't delighted with more knowledge. In fact, more knowledge had a negative impact on their lives. My grandma became severely depressed and Josie felt unwanted and empty throughout the rest of the novel.</p>

<p>*Please give me a score out of 12 and explain why you gave that certain score. It would be doubly helpful if you include ways on how I could improve. Thanks in advance!</p>

<p>I think this would be an 11-12 essay. It’s really impressive that you wrote this in 25 minutes. I think your conclusion would be stronger if you didn’t just repeat what you already mentioned earlier. You can restate your thesis, but it doesn’t help if you restate your reasoning. You should mention why your argument is important, that is, why anyone would care about what you have to say. But I thought the rest of the essay was really good. Just an opinion from someone who got an 11 when he took the SAT three years ago!</p>

<p>For the opening, it’s better to say
Many people believe that more knowledge equals happiness
OR
Many people believe that more knowledge leads to more happiness</p>

<p>Your essay is well structured and your examples are good.</p>

<p>You should add more details about how your grandma acted or her traits so that we can visualize it.
It’s very generalized.</p>

<p>When writing examples, I tend to stray away from personal experiences
since anyone can make them up
not that yours is made up
but books and historical references seem more valid,
and gives the essay reader a better impression.</p>

<p>Score :: around a 10</p>

<p>My grandmother and Josie Cormier certainly wasn’t delighted
Wasn’t must be Were not</p>

<p>10-11/12</p>

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