I think UMass is probably where he will end up. <<
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well that makes it even easier. have him apply to UMass, ask him to update you all if he has other ideas he wants to pursue, and give him some breathing room. and if not, UMass it is.
there are some of us here who want to HELP, rather than HEAP – that is, heap unwarranted scorn and derision upon a perhaps overly concerned big sister.
If you actually think he would be unhappy at UMass, give him a copy of the Fiske Guide to Colleges and see if anything looks interesting to him. That is literally all I would do. If he never cracks it open, never says he’d like to visit someplace in it, then let him. Your parents will probably save a pile of money having him go in-state.
On the other hand, he may have a preference from the schools he has seen, but due to the pressure you guys are putting on him, he isn’t telling you or your parents. He may have a list in mind, but not want to deal with telling anyone. in any case, with his stats, he can probably apply to UMass and maybe one backup in-state, and be done if he wants to.
@laurrodes - as mentioned above, that was your experience. Your brother is a different person. I know you’re just trying to help and it’s sweet. But it’s probably not helping him. For all you know he is bewildered at why he is not as excited and into it as you were.
The colleges you listed that he’s visited are all, I believe, over 10K students. Has he had the opportunity to visit any very-small colleges?
My son was pretty detached from the search process until he set foot on the campus of a small liberal arts college. Walking away from the first one we visited (around 4K students), he declared that he was going to apply ED there. After visiting the second school, even smaller, he all metaphorically wrapped his arms and legs around a light post and refused to leave. Since then he’s been enthusiastically engaged in the process.
It does look like your brother has visited an assortment of rural and urban campuses. Has he seemed more drawn to one or the other of those?
@laurrodes - I agree with those who say back off for the remainder of his junior year. He is clearly, to me, feeling pressure to make decisions he is not ready to make. I will bet $1 that by the fall he will be responding a bit differently (perhaps not as eagerly as some).
I like the idea of suggesting (in September) that he apply to UMass and UConn, if he does not want to consider other schools. They are great schools.
I know half a dozen young men (seniors in high school now), who couldn’t be bothered until fall, and did not start their applications until Halloween. Believe me - he will catch up - if only to keep up with his friends. And those half a dozen young men - they all have 4 or more good colleges to choose from (UMass, UConn, UMD, UDel, Syracuse, Pitt, etc)
I appreciate everyone’s advice, I just got know how to explain my brother so that CC understands. My parents aren’t looking for him to come up with a full extensive list of schools they just want something. Like literally anything. A location or a major or a size. Anything would be awesome. We aren’t shoving anything down his throats, I haven’t even said anything to him about picking schools so please don’t say I’m too involved I’ve already said that I’m posting this on behalf of my parents. My dad is the only one who has brought up college picking to him and it’s because he had expressed no interest.
@laurrodes I have 2 boys… IMO (most) boys are more "go with the flow " and will make something out of the opportunities that are presented to them- as opposed to creating those opportunities for themselves- at least on the high school level …
UMass is a great school, big enough to find many avenues for happiness and will give him lots of different paths to choose from (without breaking the bank!)… Also I think its key he doesn’t have to choose a major and particular school within the school to be accepted into… bc interests change and then it gets costly switching…
My first son was the same way but we pushed him into choosing something… so he chose a prestigious out of state bc he thought that was what we wanted…problem was it was a school where you had to choose a major/school to be accepted into and 2yrs later he wanted a different major -ended up transferring to our state school!
@laurrodes what everyone is trying to say is that no interest is perfectly normal and you need to not stress about it. It doesn’t mean a thing and I am quite sure the stress is palpable to him. At least yours is.
If your parents have drug him on a bunch of tours…and you’ve talked to him about it (with him expressing concerns about going away) it is far more than our dad just bringing up picking up a college. It may not feel like you are shoving anything but from the outside, that many tours already is, no matter how well intentioned.
Unfortunately as a parent we don’t always get what we want and our kids are not on our timetable. He’s a smart kid in a good place academically and it will sort itself out. He does not have to know ANYTHING at this point, believe it or not. He really will be fine. Trust the school to nudge him as well, even if it isn’t at the level or timeframe that you would like.
I get that is hard to grasp but you all need to.
send your brother the following message:
“hey brother, Mom and Dad are freaking out about college for you. LOL. if you want them to chill about it, tell them you like UMass and UConn and you want to apply there. tell them you might add other schools later but want some time to think about it.”
add in some ROFL and SMH and BFF and emojis or whatever to make it sound like your message and not mine.
and then leave him alone about it.
if Mom and Dad keep pestering him, tell them to back off, since he has done what they asked and made a list of two colleges.
in September, make sure he sends those applications.
I don’t agree with anyone who says “it’s his life, completely leave him alone and stay out of it and let him make his own decisions.” that’s REALLY bad advice if he decides to skip college and be a Colombian drug mule. but it’s bad advice anyway because there are lots of threads on here that begin with “HELP, I missed this deadline or waited too long to send this and now I’m screwed.” there are deadlines and cutoff dates that cannot be missed and if leaving him 100% alone about this stuff endangers his acceptance or financial aid or whatever, it is very much worth it to stay involved and work WITH him.
I do agree that maybe your parents should ask if he wants to see a smaller school. Maybe Skidmore? Or has he been schlepping around already on your college visits, and has seen more than you listed because of that?
^^^^
no, I disagree. your parents have already dragged him along to too many college tours that he was “meh” about.
@runswimyoga said it much better than me . . . two boys here too. Same thoughts.
And I hope your parents are not paying for a professional college counselor, he might feel even more pressured by him.
I said they should ASK if he wants to see a smaller school. Don’t drag him, ask his opinion. If he doesn’t say, “Yes, I want to go”, then don’t plan it and don’t go.
^^^
he might be at the point where just asking might be the last straw that pushes him over the edge …
and then what ???
eh, probably not. ask and back off sounds OK.
This is very common. My son was the same way. In fact, I posted several times about him on this site. My husband had to drag him to college visits during the summer after his junior year. And then, in the fall, when all of his friends were applying to colleges, it became real to him and he started to get excited about it.
Like most kids, your brother will be ready when it’s time for him to be ready. If he still doesn’t want to start the process by October or so, then he can think about doing a gap year, or taking a year or two off to work at a low-wage job. That’s a good tool for motivating a kid to go to college or learn a trade!
hey OP, my HS Jr son actually likes visiting college campuses and so far we have only gone to four – Rutgers, Princeton, NC State, and Duke. if your brother doesn’t even like going and so far has been dragged to at least SEVEN and probably more – yeah, that’s a bit much. dial it back.
also, he has backed out of a couple planned trips and blown off suggested trips just because he needs a break from it. i would guess your brother REALLY needs a break from it at this point.
now my S is getting excited about Summer College for High School at Ole Miss in May. eight weeks on campus will make the process very real to him, I would imagine.
@Wien2NC because that’s the default option du jour of high school juniors nowadays. (somebody tell me how to make a roll eyes emoji).
U Mass Amherst is a great school and if he gets into the Honors Program, better still. He’ll also have the other colleges in the consortium if he decides he wants a change of pace. I’m sure he’ll be happy and do fine.
it was a joke but feel free to replace it with “move to Hollywood and be an actor / waiter / bartender.”
point is, most of the time you let him make his own decisions but there may be a time where you have to say, “no, that’s a really bad idea and you’re not going to do that.”