My younger brother is currently a junior in high school and is a great student but for some reason has no interest in the college search process. He has an SAT of 2030, a GPA of 4.32/4.5, a class rank of 12/230 students, a 2 sport varsity athlete, and is an NHS member. He has the ability of getting accepted into some great schools.
My parents took him to tour a ton of colleges such as Notre Dame, Villanova, UVA, Umass Amherst, BC, BU, and UConn trying to get him interested but he just says every school “is fine” and leaves us with no idea of which he likes best no matter how many times we ask.
He also has no clue what he wants to major in. We feel he might like business but he refuses to look into any majors.
Clearly this is very frustrating for my family. We know the root of his resistance to the college search is most likely because he is afraid of all of the change and it overwhelms him but the only way for him to ensure a smooth of a transition as possible into college is to research and find the place he will be happiest at. Any advice on how to guide him in the direction of looking into colleges would be extremely helpful.
Just step back and let him decide if/when/where he wants to go to college.
Then when HE tells you what he wants to do, if you can afford it, do that.
It sounds like you are all putting an enormous amount of pressure on him. I dare you to stop talking about anything and everything college with him for 30 days. See what happens.
And Jiminy Crickets “have your parents pick a school for him” NO! He’s not a toddler. Let him go do what he wants to do.
It doesn’t mean he’ll be a failure. It means he wants to find what is right for him and has meaning for him without you shoving it down his throat.
No. You have no idea of what is going on inside his head, and assuming that he needs to “research and find the place he will be happiest at” is what YOU want to do, not necessarily what HE wants to do.
Why don’t you start by asking him what he wants. If he says 'they’re all fine" then maybe they ARE ALL FINE for him, and back off and let him choose next fall.
Seriously, you are the older sibling. Worry about yourself. He’s no dummy, but he’s not you. Let him do his thing, even if it doesn’t remotely resemble your thing.
I didn’t mention any schoolwork like taking classes in the summer, I meant a program that might point him to some interests or a possible major. Like an engineering or science workshop, computer programming camp, whatever interests him.
@MotherOfDragons your input is appreciated but the accusations are not. I do know he is nervous about going far from home and that he doesn’t want change because he has told me. everytime we talk about college all he says is that he “doesn’t want to grow up” and that’s what going to college means to him. he says he likes the friends he has now and doesn’t want to make new ones. I’m not trying to control my brother I just want the best for him.
My interest in the school where I just enrolled was first sparked by reading Freakonomics. I looked into another of my EA choices on a whim, remembering that a well-known activist who I used to keep track of (at a time when my political views were somewhere to the left of Karl Marx’s) dropped out of that uni. A kid’s college preference (and his interest in college, period) can be affected by the strangest things. Give your brother time.
Maybe he doesn’t feel the urgency to look yet. I know plenty of kids who did all their college visits senior year. Are his friends going on college visits? Perhaps when his peers get wrapped up in the college search, he will as well.
The only thing we could get out of my daughter during her junior year was that she thought she wanted a big school. After visiting 4 state flagships by February of her junior year, she told us they were all tied for first. She never went on another visit (or revisited the schools she’d already seen), nor did she want to talk about the schools or what she liked/disliked about each of them. She applied to the schools she visited, got into all of them by December of senior year and still didn’t make a decision until March. She had told us throughout that she could be happy at any of the schools she’d seen. I had way more angst about the process than she did. Fast forward a few years and she’s about to graduate from the college she chose. She had a great experience there. It all worked out.
I would just let him be, at least for a few months.
Invite him to take a gap year if he feels he isn’t ready for college - but he has to get a job, and pay mom and dad rent and board and lodging from HS graduation day onwards.
This is not so uncommon. My S was a reluctant college visitor at first…but when things got more “real” (late junior/senior year) he started focus in on on what he wanted in a college more and more. In the meantime, it is good that he has seen some schools and that he has parents who are involved and won’t let things slide.
I have heard from others there are career/college counselors that are great for helping with things like this, although they might not be inexpensive…
someone was telling my husband they took their kids to one in NYC (prob have them in Boston too) and they gave several career aptitude tests and planned out fit colleges based upon the tests/ aptitude/ discussions… you could look into something like that …
In my opinion, all this fussing over him isn’t giving him a chance to “grow up”. His friends are going to move on; he’ll figure that out, and will move on himself. You aren’t giving him the space to see this and understand the realities of it. You’re all like “pick a college! Grow up! make a decision!”
Putting him in such a defensive corner is doing nobody any favors. And stop talking about college with him-I’m sure your parents are giving him enough crap about it as is. You should be a supportive sounding board sibling, not a scolding mom.
Everybody is nervous about going to college, and nobody likes change. Let’s just establish that right off the bat. Your job as the older sibling should be (in my opinion) to listen to him, not to badger him.
I think you need to back off and let your parents and brother handle it. This is not your responsibility or burden to carry.
If he wants your support or advice he’ll let you know. Guys can be direct when they want to.
You sound like you are in big sis mode, and I understand that mode because I’m 46 and still slip into it sometimes. But this is a good chance for you (and him, and your parents) to grow and to start respecting each other as individuals.
I’m pretty sure this was part of my daughter’s reluctance, too. She told her GC at a mandatory meeting with him that she thought she’d like a close by school so she could come home every weekend. He told her that the kids from our HS who went to the school 25 minutes down the road (and dormed there) generally came home 3 times a year, so she might want to rethink that if she expected anything about home (with respect to friends) to be the same. FWIW, this girl who thought she wanted to come home every weekend went to school 12 hours away and had an 18 month stretch between fall of junior year and spring of senior year when she didn’t come home even though she could have if she really wanted to. It’s hard to let go of the familiar, but once they do, there’s a new familiar.
@NotVerySmart@Conformist1688@happy1@runswimyoga@MotherOfDragons we currently have him enrolled in a program with a college counselor to try to get him interested. His friends are looking at colleges and are excited which makes it even more weird. i appreciate all of your suggestions. I think it might be best for us to give him some space now to really feel out what he wants. It’s hard to do because in 5 months he is going to be applying to colleges and realistically by now he should have a decent list of schools he would probably want to apply to, but giving him space is worth a shot. He knows he wants to go to college and every time we bring up the option of a gap year or community college he gets upset but it is like in his mind he is still a freshman and has a couple years before he has to worry about college when in reality he isn’t. My parents don’t take his disinterest with the college search process well because they don’t want to pay for a kid who doesn’t care which i understand. It’s frustrating for all of us.
I have a rock star 17 yo old daughter who does not have a list of schools yet because she’s focusing on her junior year. Only on College Confidential do people have their kids’ futures mapped out from diaperhood.
“It’s frustrating for all of us”. You are WAY too involved in your younger brother’s life. Give the kid some space. Stop talking about gap years and community colleges and options-sheesh I don’t even know you and I find your dialogue so stressful!
And stop with the whole “in his mind”. I repeat: you have NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN HIS MIND. So stop thinking you know what’s going on in his head.
Worry about your own stuff. My god, girl, seriously. He’s not your hobby, he’s an honors student, he’ll be fine without all your meddling.
“we currently have him enrolled”
“it might be best for us to give him some space”
“it’s frustrating for all of us”
OP, it’s interesting and probably not very healthy (IMO) that you consider this your problem to help fix. Shouldn’t it be between your brother and your parents?
I think everyone needs to step back and stop smothering the student.
