Help ... My Daughter Hates her College!

Archive Ask The Dean Archive
21

<p>Happens every year. Much of the time its kids who are in shock from being unloaded and dumped off and all of a sudden its not mom’s cooking, not mom’s comforting, not the usual comforts of home, dorm drama sets in and out of control kids misbehaving. It does get better. Kids need to be encouraged to work through their problems, buckle down and study and find friends of the same feather…somewhere…in class, the library, the cafeteria, jogging, whatever. </p>

<p>I am also amazed at kids who pick schools without a serious examination of the social scene…they pick schools on prestige, and sometimes academics…without checking out the school before they commit…on its social situation and so forth. Sad.</p>

<p>But growing up is what this is all about. Unless its a horrific situation the college won’t remedy, then I recommend sticking it out a semester and giving your kid counseling on how to find happiness, find friends and how to grow up.</p>

<p>My kid had huge dorm drama, huge culture shock at her school…and we almost pulled the plug. She stuck it out and graduated Phi Beta Kappa in May 2011.</p>

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<p>Can’t speak for your daughter, but I know that my brother HATED his college for almost his entire freshman year. He went to Rice, and he didn’t like the campus (too small, he said), didn’t like the city (not enough things to do near the campus, he said), didn’t like the people (I don’t get along with anyone, he said), etc. </p>

<p>My parents told him to stick with it. They were actually quite worried because he had originally liked UT Austin better, but my parents had encouraged him to go to Rice because it had a better architecture program. He went there, he hated it there, and they thought it was their fault.</p>

<p>Flash forward to 6 years later, and my brother has graduated from Rice with two bachelor’s degrees. He ended up loving it there. He made lots of friends, he found activities he was interested in, and whereas before going to college he was dead-set on a larger school, he is now encouraging me to consider smaller schools like Rice. He’s convinced that they’re much more personal and have a homier feel. He thinks I’d like it in a big city like Houston, where there’s tons to do if you know where to look. If he had to do it over, he would have made the same choice he did the first time.</p>

<p>My point is, kids my age are still pretty pliable. We can adjust to almost anything, and end up loving it (like my brother did). Give it another semester or two, and see what your daughter says then.</p>

23

<p>I hated my school and wanted to come home after a few weeks, and my parents let me. I had to work full-time for the rest of the semester to pay them back for the part of the tuition they couldn’t get refunded before starting at the local university in the spring. I’m glad my parents let me come home. Sometimes I do wish I had stuck it out, but now I’m at a school where I’m happy (plus it’s much cheaper!). </p>

<p>I say you leave it up to your daughter. Maybe ask her to give it another couple of weeks, and if she still feels the same way then, allow her to withdraw. I would have hated to be forced to stay.</p>

24

<p>I’m wondering why there are not more activities for non-party people at college? Are these kids holed up in their rooms, thinking the choice is to be alone or to get drunk? How much of a minority are the non-party people, anyway? I can see another reason for dorm floors for kids who want to live a “healthy” lifestyle - they need friends.</p>

25

<p>I don’t believe the person being discussed on this thread ever said where she is going to college. Not sure how you can assume there are’t enough activities to occupy her free time. Clubs, sports and/or various extra-curriculars don’t all form on the first day of the academic year. New college students should first get into the swing of attending class, see how much time is required for studying/labs, etc. </p>

<p>Depends where you are going to college, but most ‘partying’ takes place on the weekend, not M-F.</p>

26

<p>I’d encourage her to stay. I hated my college for the first month, and my son hated his college for his first semester. He almost didn’t go back, he was so depressed. Now he loves it. It takes a while to find your own special group of friends, to know your way around. Even if she transfers later, she’ll be getting valuable skills in negotiating campus and roommate life and growing up a little.</p>

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<p>

hmm …</p>

<p>hanging out, playing cards, playing a board game, going out to eat, bowling, movies, game on campus, play/concert on campus, go here a speaker, chase girls, playing intramurals or pick-up of a sport, go into “town”, etc.</p>

<p>Nothing to-do … I seriously doubt it.</p>

28

<p>Thank you everyone for all of these wonderful posts. In my heart of hearts I know she will be fine, it’s really just making it through this. I’ve been encouraging her with all of these suggestions and I certainly agree that she needs to stay the semester if not the full year. It’s funny because my older daughter went off to college 5 years ago at Upenn and she never went through any of this. Who would of guessed?</p>

29

<p>Ok, maybe you’re a ■■■■■; maybe not. If you cant benefit from the advice of others, maybe someone else can. First of all, did you read my book? jk, but this is the story of my life. I was at college my first semester, far from home, just turned 18. I was excited to go to a new place. But after just 3 weeks there and 2 weeks of classes, I felt I had made a mistake. EVERYONE said “stick it out, it will get better!” My parents said “you can’t come home; you can’t live here.” My counselors said just finish the semester. And I kept asking and asking until I got someone to say what I wanted to hear (It’s okay to drop out). Finally, the Dean (small school), after initially trying to convince me to stay, admitted that the same thing had happened to him. He dropped out and went back to school later and it worked out fine. Finally, someone said it!: It was OK to drop out. I got 60% of my tuition back and 40% of my housing. If I’d waited till Monday, ZERO. I paid back my student loan, my scholarship and my grant with a nice letter of regret and thanks. Not knowing where else to go, I moved in with my boyfriend (OK, that last part was NOT a good idea: Parents heed: don’t say they can’t come home). BUT… I got a job, took a night class each semester at the local college in classes I LIKED, got A’s, and learned some things about myself. A year after dropping out, I tried a new college with a new major, had the credits I’d earned in high school, during placement testing at the other college and my recent classes transfered to my new college, and started out with 30 credits just from testing and past work. I did a co-op study (alternating semesters of school/work) and still graduated with my high school classmates. It was the best scholastic decision I’ve ever made. I loved school, I loved my new home and I was ready for college. My biggest mistakes the first time were that I was too young, burned-out from high school and too far from home… and did what others wanted me to do. So find what you want to hear, know there’s always SOMEONE who will support your decision, and don’t be afraid to follow your own gut instincts. I decided that all the people could give me all the advice, all along, but in the end, I was the one who was going to have to LIVE through it! Do what you want and be comfortable with accepting whatever consequences that follow. Either way there will be consequences, but at least if you do what YOU truly want to do, the consequences will be much easier to deal with because you won’t be wasting energy blaming the people who told you NOT to do what YOU wanted to do. So drop out! Just drop out! … IF that’s REALLY what YOU want to do … or don’t, it’s up to you! (P.S…and don’t go to law school!!!)</p>

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<p>Let her come home! </p>

<hr>

<p>Take it from someone who was told 'NO! Stick it out!" You can’t move back here…“18 and out!” “it’s not a good time to come home:” LET HER COME HOME. First of all, if you tell her she can always come home, she will cherish you forever. Do you REALLY want her to stay if she doesn’t want to? If she wants to stay, and she’s just looking for sympathy, she’ll call back later and say she’s thought about it and wants to stick it out. But she needs to know she has a safe haven if she needs it. If you really believe she is SO impulsive that she’ll leave JUST BECAUSE you gave her permission to do so, she’s (a) probably too immature to be in college in the first place, (b) feeling rejected from all your rejoicing for her absence, and (c) questioning your parenting and her importance to you. </p>

<p>Secondly, if she thinks she’s made a mistake, whatever the reason: too far from home, school is wrong fit (maybe do campus visits this time), wants to change her major, doesn’t have the will to make it, … and is trying to make it right, all the more power to her! REmember, it’s a LOT of rigamarole to UNDO what she’s already done. And if she’s willing to do the work of UNdoing it more than she’s willing to go through it, LET HER FIX IT. Tell her it’s OK to change her mind! Don’t throw good money after bad; cut your losses. Let her decide if she wants to go through the sense of failure, shame, and despair of making the wrong choice the first time. If she’s willing to do all of that, she really wants to leave. If after you’ve gone through all of the,“ok… well, send back the money you received for college, pay back the loans, pack up your stuff, get the withdrawal paperwork done, including the signatures you need, put together a plan of action for moving forward,” etc, etc., then she has more energy to leave than to stay and that MEANS something. Don’t be tongue-in-cheek, condescending or demeaning…just be neutral. Let her understand that THIS, then, will be her first adult decision.</p>

<p>Thirdly, take some time before she comes home to reflect on the decision to go to that school. Was it made in haste, revenge, without thought, carelessly or recklessly? Did others have more influence in the decision than the student? Did the student have little or no guidance in the process of choosing her college, major, location, etc…ie, was her heart ever in it in the first place. Did all of her friends go somewhere else? Was she ashamed or too proud to stay at home and commute or go to the college closest to home, even though that’s what she really wanted and needed. </p>

<p>Lastly, what needs to be done to make sure she’s ready to go back the following year? Where can she late enroll nearby? Does she just need to rest for a semester, stay home next semester and go to a local college or tech school to get her bearings? Make it clear this is not a failure, just a setback and it can be fixed with some effort, some time to find a better fit and some guidance from others.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

31

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<p>The student cited in the OP’s question had only been in college ONE week. Although making a decision after three weeks may also seem premature to many, in a situation like this it is significantly longer than merely one.</p>

<p>Only in extremely circumstances do I feel that a student should throw in the towel after just one week --especially when the student is content academically, as this young woman is.</p>

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<p>A lot of people hate college in the first several months until they find their crowd. Your daughter fell in with a crowd she doesn’t like. Every college has party students and non-party students. She just has to find her niche. I wouldn’t let her bail so fast. It sets a bad precedent in never following through on a situation she finds uncomfortable at first.</p>

33

<p>Just so that everyone knows, we’ve made it through weekend #3 and although Friday morning started out with “I want to come home”, she made it through and seems a little more settled. But I did want to reply to “follow your gut” just to let you know I have never told her she could not come home. I’ve actually guided her to think through what she really wants to do, and if it is to come home, then she needs a plan. What will she do home and how will she do it. I’ve told her she needs to search URI’s web site to figure out how to leave a school, (which I obviously shouldn’t have to do, but it seemed to me that she really just wanted someone to guide her), I told her to look at other schools again closer to home and whatever she ultimately decided I would support her. I also told her that I wasn’t going to do all of the legwork for her, it was up to her. So we shall see, I understand its a big adjustment, especially when the school puts 3 girls in a room, come on, honestly 3 girls? She’s slowly finding her way and she does like her classes, and she is hoping that she’ll apply and get accepted into their 5 year master program so she has alot at stake if she chooses to leave and go else where. That was why she decided on this school. I’ll keep everyone posted.</p>

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<p>Thanks for updating us, OP.</p>

35

<p>Realize this post is 3 years old, but if you’re still on here it would be nice to get an update. Going through some first semester angst here … and found some good advice in this thread. Can’t help but wonder how it turned out. Thanks.</p>

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<p>I was just thinking an update would be helpful. too. DD1 was put into a QUAD-four girls-in a room really meant for 2. Two were gone by 6 weeks in. It was a disaster. That wasnt the reason for things falling apart but noting your comment about THREE girls in a room, thought I would chime in with that…and the foolishness of that on the school’s part!</p>