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From this perspective, I think to respect your mom's opinion, you should really talk to her seriously. If the reason is simply, she wants you to be closer to home (a legit one) so be it. I think it is sad that the prevalent ideology of young people on these boards are so selfish. Your college decision will indefinitely effect your family, so you need to be wise and try your best to mitigate the impact on your leaving.</p>
<p>These decisions are part of growing up. I'm not that old, but this is what I think and you should try to view it from your mom's perspective.
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<p>Do you think that the poster should attend UCSC, then, if it is only because she doesn't want him far from home? It was unclear to me.</p>
<p>I actually agree with you that young people can be very selfish. I think there would be a lot of good reasons to respect fully what his/her mother wants. Some of them would be: someone in the family is sick, the student has a medical or psychological condition, there are cost issues, etc.</p>
<p>But it doesn't sound like this situation meets any of these. And if the case is merely that the mother is going to miss her child, I just don't think that is an adequate reason. I don't think it's particularly selfish, either, given that the student really will not be all that far away. What WOULD be selfish is, if the student knowing how much his/her mother would miss him, never called or wrote or visited. The fact is he/she is going to have to spread his/her wings; this may as well happen at a place that he/she really wants to be. Sometimes parents have a hard time facing the reality that kids grow up and need, to a certain extent, to move on. Moving on doesn't mean ignoring them or generally disrespecting them. It DOES mean making decisions that build a life that is what one wants (within reason). When I graduated, I wanted to move to Asia. My father was really against it for all sorts of "sensible" reasons. I went anyway, had some of the most important growth experiences of my life, and basically disproved all my father's contentions that it would be a waste of time to move to Asia. And he came around to seeing that as well. When I was going, though, he was angry with me. But it was time to move on and live my life.</p>
<p>nicha - Your mom may have legitimate concerns about distance. If so she's certainly done a curious job of communicating them. It would be very mature of you to discuss her concerns with her --- directly, but nicely. And then make your own decision. Trust me, compared to the many emotionally clouded situations you will face in the future, this one is a slam dunk.</p>
<p>PS, As of this morning AMTRAK Santa Barbara - San Jose was $84 (round trip), less 15% if you book three days in advance using a Student Advantage card.</p>
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She also told me that it would be better to go to UCSC because it's easier to get in for my younger sister, so we could go to the same school....
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<p>I don't know if anyone else touched on this, but I can't see how this would work. They don't consider siblings in the admissions process.</p>
<p>"But it doesn't sound like this situation meets any of these. And if the case is merely that the mother is going to miss her child, I just don't think that is an adequate reason. I don't think it's particularly selfish, either, given that the student really will not be all that far away. "</p>
<p>Here's what's in my mind -- absent any evidence (but there isn't evidence on either side). We only know what the student is saying, but perhaps mom has reason to be concerned about the distance. For example, I'm going through some stuff with D2 that makes me wonder whether distance will be good for her. Of course, she still has two years, so it will probably be fine, but perhaps mom knows the big picture here in a way that we don't and setting the student to believe that it's his/her right to go wherever isn't necessarily helpful. If he/she doesn't see the necessity of listening to mom's concerns (whatever they are), then I question his/her maturity overall.</p>
<p>The possibility of sickness is just an example. The greater reality is that you will see them less if you are 5 hours away as opposed to 1 hr away. While you will likely come home for the bigger events, you will not come home for all the birthdays and other smaller family celebrations. The extent to which your umbilical cord stays intact will depend a lot on the distance. I think your mom is having separation anxiety and is afraid that she will not be able to "mother" you as much if you are 5 hours away. Perhaps you will also have such feelings once the excitement of going to college dies down. You have to ask yourself how close you want to remain to your family. Good luck and congratulations on all your admissions.</p>
<p>"I would follow the recommendations given above re nicely and sensitively continuing to plan on UCSB because it is your life, your college experience and your decision."</p>
<p>I feel so strongly about this. Bad decision or good decision, the student is enrolling, not the parent. Nothing wrong with listening to solid reasons behind any parent's considered advice. However, an ambivalent enrollment is fraught with problems. If it turns out that a student's departure from the parent's wish is wrong & later regretted, the student will not be able to blame the parent for that decision, & it will become a fruitful learning experience -- not a conclusion that mom's always right, but rather it will help in future decision-making, allowing the student to incorporate certain other kinds of perspectives previously not recognized. </p>
<p>If it turns out that it's just mom's anxiety, then I think epiphany is right, but I don't think it should be assumed that there isn't a good reason or legitimate concern to be addressed. The student should speak to his/her mother, period. Then make a considered decision, but not dig in heels before learning mother's concerns. Sometimes there are good reasons that can be worked through together. Especially if parents are paying part of the cost of college, their view should be listened to before making a decision. Ultimate decision should be student's, but not without input from parents. To me, there's alwasy the issue of not knowing what you don't know. MOney, health, marital stability, who knows? The mother should have approached and communicated differently, but now it's up to the student to find out what's going on. Student, can you honestly say that you've never given your parents cause to have this concern? If the answer is that you have given them cause, then you should sit down and explain that you understand their concerns and are prepared to move forward in careful consideration of her advice. The reason I'm so invested in this is (some posters know this) that I was diagnosed with breast cancer in my daughter's senior year and didn't want to stress her so she didn't know till much later. One of her top two schools was about 6 hours-ish away and my husband and I fretted over how he would do that driving if I wasn't around. I'm sure my daughter thought I was being silly when I was so glad she chose a closer school, but she didn't know then what she didn't know. I'm not saying this is OP's situation, but in a healthy family, who could begrudge the mother a role in her child's decision?</p>
<p>"To me, there's alwasy the issue of not knowing what you don't know."</p>
<p>And I agree with this as well. The parent should frame it in those terms: "I wish I myself had realized certain aspects of college life/academics/ distance/ culture....before I made my own decision at your age; I did not have the perspective to understand how_______," etc. Let it just sit there. Usually a student will ask you within the course of a few days to clarify or repeat or enlarge on such a statement. And usually they will incorporate such input into an ultimate decision, but it still must be theirs to own & live with & learn from.</p>
<p>"but in a healthy family, who could begrudge the mother a role in her child's decision?"</p>
<p>Agreed. And I don't begrudge it all, & I have plenty of opinions regarding my own. Sometimes, though, what happens is that the student acts out a resentment about his or her ambivalence, shortly after enrolling, resulting in academic probation & unhealthy lifestyle decisions, or worse. Going reluctantly with a parent's decision, if unconvincing, can be a Pyrrhic victory. A good parent will put the debate into socratic-dialogue form or a +/- chart, so to speak, to help the student come to a decision that will -- guaranteed -- they are adolescents after all -- to be a mixture of reason & emotion, long thought & impulsiveness, long-range imagination & short-range, immediate experience.</p>
<p>"A good parent will put the debate into socratic-dialogue form "</p>
<p>Oh without question. But we're not all perfect, particularly when strong emotions come into play. I guess what I'm saying is that there has to be a better way to approach this than stomping foot and saying "It's my life and my decision." They're about to have a new relationship, so I think the student should take the initiative and really engage mom. Comes to the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" thing. The student may be "right" about making the decision, but might be happier after bringing mom on board.</p>