So, I am driving my nephew from MO to PA to college-a two day car ride. I am wondering what, if anything, I should discuss with him about college. He is coming from a school in rural MO and probably has never heard the word “microaggression,” has no idea what Title IX is, has probably never thought about the ramifications of having sex with a drunk girl, etc. I know his views run right-of-center and I have heard him make off color jokes. He also has used terms that are simply unacceptable (like he told me someone tried to “jew” him down-I told him then and there it was absolutely unacceptable, but he seemed bemused by the idea that someone would take offense to it). He’s a good kid, intelligent but dumb on some things. His mom thinks a lot of these things are just PC run amok so I know she hasn’t talked to him.
So, my question is: do I bring these things up or assume that student orientation will cover it all? I just worry that kids are distracted during orientation and he may not be paying that much attention. As a plus, he definitely looks up to me, calls me all the time asking for advice on things and in general, takes the advice I give.
Thanks for any suggestions!
I imagine your nephew is considerably more aware than you might presume. With social media and the internet, it is impossible not to be. Unless he asks your advice I would not offer it but would freely Voice my candid opinions
This kid just sounds uneducated. Unfortunately, not being his parent, there’s not a whole lot you can do in the realm of politeness to correct his behavior. Definitely call him out if he is out of line though.
I see a couple of different issues here.
(1) What he intellectually knows about microaggression, Title IX, etc. I agree with the poster above that he is probably aware of more than you might think. If he asks your opinion, you can give it. IMO, as the adult-in-charge, I also believe you have the right and obligation to comment on and correct any behavior you deem inappropriate when you see it. If he has been seeking your opinion, he might be more open to discussion on such matters.
(2) A conservative coming from rural Missouri will have been exposed (or rather not exposed) to a different culture. Opinions are harder to break. I’m a person just right of center and even I have difficulties listening to the jargon that comes out of the mouths of more conservative friends and family. Deeply ingrained beliefs about what is and what is not politically correct cannot be corrected unless the person is willing to change.
I understand your worries, especially if he’s saying things like the example you mentioned, which is totally unacceptable. However, kids that age won’t listen to anyone. He’ll probably shut you out if he thinks he’s being lectured to.
The reactions of his peers will force him to re-examine a lot of his opinions and behaviors. If he calls you for advice after his peers respond negatively to something he says or does, you’ll have a better chance of opening his mind on certain things than if you brought it up out of the blue.
@DiscoBean Nope- I don’t want to turn him into a social justice warrior by any means. I just want him to be aware that what is deemed acceptable (by certain people) in rural MO may not fly at a LAC in PA. Just trying to save him a little grief.
And he has had a girlfriend for a while so I’m going to stay away from the anatomy lesson 
Certainly you should speak up when he says something objectionable. Other than that, I think any general conversation on political correctness will fall on deaf ears. His new friends and acquaintances will do a much better job of educating him on what’s socially acceptable.
His roommate looking at him cross-eyed and demanding “WTH did you just say!?!?” will make a much bigger impression than anything you can say. OTOH if he’s not interested in changing, chances are he’ll find a like-minded group.
Eh maybe you could teach him how to do shots or pack a bong then. He’s going to need to know these things.
I don’t think you offer any advice unless asked. He’ll re-calibrate or not on his own terms. You’d be surprised how many kids just aren’t uber-liberals and shift alittle one way or the other during college. I have one borderline SJW and two pretty conservative boys and they all did just fine in college. Most kids can deal with the aggressive campus atmosphere these days on some campuses, and the conversation about sex in college is best brought up with his parents. Just tell them to read Save our Sons and they will have all the info they need to start a conversation with a son, although I think the pendulum is shifting quickly back toward center and considerably less chaotic than a few years ago and the kid will get indoctrinated when he arrives at college anyway because every college has a required tutorial for entering students.
He will definitely tune you out if he feels that you are sermonizing. However, if you are together for two days you will probably have many conversations while driving and eating. Those are great opportunities to discuss college, and if he is about to start college, it is a natural topic.
You can probe his thinking on topics by discussing current events without condemning his opinions. In my experience, concrete examples young people can relate to are the best opportunities to explore the myriad of issues college students will face. For example, when the Penn State fraternity pledge died at his frat house and none of the fraternity brothers called for help, I made sure to discuss that case with my son. Your nephew should be warned that things can happen to him or around him and there are repercussions. This applies to sex assault and other conflicts as well. I would not rely on the university to prepare him properly.
Your nephew will soon be exposed to many different views and he might as well learn from his aunt that people will disagree with him. Just explain your viewpoints in a neutral manner and feel good about doing your duty to warn him of possible social (and legal) pitfalls.
Maybe run some What Ifs? and What Would You Do? scenarios by him as a game of sorts to kill some driving time? I’d make it more light-hearted so it doesn’t come across as lecturing/sermon-y.
Best wishes to your nephew on this new stage in his life!
In all seriousness you could explain to him how intolerant the liberal faculty and students are and how they will ridicule and demean him for not sharing their perverted social justice world view. At most colleges your nephew will be treated like dirt for not engaging in the Marxist circle jerk that passes for intellectual debate these days. He had better be prepared for that because it’s very real and very ugly.
My husband used the time we were driving our oldest to college to dispense all the good advice he could think of. I’m pretty sure our kid had his fingers in the ear going “la, la, la” the whole time. I do think that you can’t tell a boy enough that “No means no” isn’t enough any more. And to remind them that if you impregnate a young woman, that the woman gets to make the decision about whether to keep the child, and that if she does keep it, you are responsible forever. I’d probably try to keep things light on day one, maybe see if the what if routine leads anywhere, and save the lecture for day two. I’d probably preface the lecture, by saying I know I’m not the parent, but I just can’t help myself. It really depends on what the kid is like. You can’t have a conversation with my oldest, he just won’t respond, but my youngest likes to discuss things.
Thanks everyone! You’ve been very helpful. I was hoping not to come off as lecturing, but it’s a fine line, I know. I may just say I have some advice and would he want to hear it. We are close enough that he’ll tell me “no” if he doesn’t want to hear it. I also spoke to my soon-to-be 19 year old daughter and she said whatever I do don’t start lecturing him just because he’s a captive audience stuck in the car with me.
@momofthreeboys Thank you for the book suggestion. I’m going to send it to his mom.
Depending on how receptive your nephew is and how far you want to take it, you can also take the approach to wait until he says something that would be objectionable in polite society or at the PA college he’s attending and gently probe his thought processes by asking questions like “How did you come to that conclusion? Please explain?” or other questions along those lines to see where he’s coming from and just as importantly, get him to think through the origins and foundations for his beliefs/ideas/opinions.
Just keep it light as if the vibe of questioning develops so he gets the Socratic method vibes, he’s likely to get annoyed and not be as amenable to further conversation.
The more practical stuff, regardless of political ideology, involves sex, alcohol (or other recreational drugs), and consent. Combinations of sex and alcohol, or lack of clarity on consent, increase the risk of trouble (legal and otherwise). Now, if he is conservative in his personal behavior in these respects (e.g. abstinence), that may not be much of an issue, but not everyone is (and knowing the signs of potential trouble as a bystander could help him keep others out of trouble).
I have a different take…
I’d tell this young man that he’s going to find some major cultural differences between Missouri and Pennsylvania. He may find that if he talks too much about his opinions when he first gets to college, he may find that some of his new classmates will misunderstand. He may find that he has unintentionally offended someone and that person may share the “awful” thing he said/did with others and he’ll find himself trying to dig his way out of a reputation he doesn’t deserve.
So, suggest that he be a bit quieter than usual until he gets “the lay of the land,” so to speak. I’m not suggesting he be mute. I’m suggesting that he not express opinions about politics, race, Trump, feminism, etc. until he’s settled in on campus. After a month or so, if someone has decided he’s an okay guy, then when he shares his opinion that person and others won’t immediately write it off. If he shares an unpopular opinion immediately with people he doesn’t know at all, they may stereotype him.
May depend on what part of Pennsylvania. Some parts of Pennsylvania may be more conservative on some hot-button political issues than some parts of Missouri.
Of course, younger people (college age) may be somewhat more left leaning than the general population, and it may matter where the college draws its students from (e.g. it may have students with very different political leanings from those in the surrounding area).
Yes, that may be a good idea for any student of any political leaning.
Why tell him stuff? Why not ask? What is he worried about, what is he excited about, has he thought about what might be different, is he looking forward to meeting people with different opinions, what groups might he like to join?..those might give you a spot to ever so casually drop the bits of “heads up”. Even phrased as “I’m excited for you to meet people really different than you” and a story from your life will later be food for thought. But if he hasn’t learned to be respectful of other people’s viewpoints, you aren’t teaching him that on a car ride.
“I may just say I have some advice and would he want to hear it.”
My opinion: not your job.
What do you really know what gets talked about on campus or attitudes? And at this particular college? He may.do just fine, learn and mature.
There’s a point in growth where the best resource is actually their peers, conversations with them, learning by example, and more. In the better sense, that is.
ps. prior edit didn’t take, corrected.