The man in question is an adult, and the OP is not his parent. Unsolicited advice to other adults is rarely welcome
I’m the person who said to my own kid “Most of my friends who have daughters are terrified someone will slip them something at a party and rape them and most of my friends who have boys are terrified that they’ll hook up with a girl who claims it was rape. Do you and your friends talk about this or is it just a bunch of crazy mom’s worrying?”
It gets the topic out there for discussion without a lecture. …
Have a good time on the trip and leave him knowing that he can call you for support, advice, help. Let him know you are sure he has the skills to adapt and make the best of this phase of his life and be a great success. Then in your conversation, include a definition of success of being able to meet and befriend people who come from different experiences, so that they both grow and achieve their common goals.
Thanks, everyone. Lots of advice to consider (that’s why I love CC!!).
Just understand, he is asking his buddies, “what do you suppose my nutty aunt is going to try to talk to me about for 2 days in a car?” He won’t use the term “nutty”, but you get the gist.
@DavidPuddy that’s so funny- I’m sure he is saying (or at least thinking) that. My daughter is just happy I’m not driving her (she’s going from CA to RI, so it’s too far)!
I think the sex drinking stuff will be covered by the school during orientation. As far as your worry that he may say something inadvertently that may be offensive, you could broach it as a ‘going to college you are going to meet all different types of people’ conversation. I would plant a little seed in his mind about that. Maybe relay some stories from your own D, about some differences she experienced when she started college.
Another thing to keep in mind is that some folks live to get a rise out of those they deem “oversensitive”, “too concerned” about social concerns/causes(i.e. GBLTQ rights to many parents of college kids of my generation ~2 decades ago), etc.
If your nephew is inclined towards that line of thinking like many HS classmates who were staunch conservative(Think Ayn Rand Libertarians), best to let him find out how much receptivity his inclination has on campus/life. If he’s lucky, he’ll find a few friends/clubs to join.
If he’s not, he could end up like one recent Econ graduate from a Top 20 university who wasn’t able to land himself a job after two years and asked around my group of friends for job leads at an informal networking gathering.
In his case, my friends and I felt his difficulty in landing a job may have something to do with the fact he repeatedly kept dropping the fact he was the VP of his college’s Libertarian Club to the point it became annoying even to the Libertarian(Ayn Randists even) among us.
How do you know his mom hasn’t talked to him? If you know she thinks a lot of the issues you want to address are “PC run amok,” then she’s talking to somebody. You just don’t agree with her views.
Why not mention to his parents all the things you want to tell him? Why wait until you have him alone in a car for 2 days? If the things you have to pass on are so important, surely they’re worth sharing with his parents too. Then they can decide to pass them on or not.
@austinmshauri actually, I have thought about talking to his mom before I talk to him (if I decide to talk to him). I figure she will be a good gauge as to how he may respond. She and I are close although we don’t agree on everything politically. We have talked a lot about our different views and have agreed to disagree. And his dad is not in the picture. Thanks for the advice.
I like to use the mistakes and misfortunes of others to help my children learn about bullying and Title IX and doing dumb things.
The other day I was telling my daughter about the Title IX case at USC with the football player being reported not by his girlfriend but by a neighbor and how quickly things can get out of hand. She has a friend who ‘jokingly’ calls her own boyfriend a child molester because it somehow rhymes with his name and I said that could backfire and get her in trouble (or him). I know my daughter thought I was being too PC, too ‘Mommm (eyeroll)!’. A few days later she says “Mom! I read about that case at USC. How can they do that?” and then we talked about it more.
About the same time, she was on a group chat with her team, including 3 new freshman. She posted 'Freshman, don’t comment until you meet us." One freshman took offense, her mother called the coach, the coach got on them about excluding the new kids, blah blah blah. I told her you have to be careful about what you text because the littlest thing can be misinterpreted.
In 8th grade it was about a group of 6th graders ‘sexting’ others and they all lost their phones and some had charges against them. A story about high school kids jumping on the hood of a car. Girl braked, kid flew off and died with the car only going 5 miles per hour. Stupid stories that my kids learn from by my just mentioning them and saying ‘oh wow, did you read about this?’
They’ve also had some much closer to home stories too. A friend/former teammate of my daughter’s was just murdered by a boyfriend when she was on her way to work at 6 pm. Not in a dark alley, not in an out of the way place, but in a busy parking lot in daylight when she had just left home 15 minutes earlier.
Their uncles have also given them the lecture on not leaving a drink unattended, not leaving a party alone, etc. Carries more punch than when I say the same thing.
Tell him to watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yX6va9glqgA
@jonri, I don’t know why you think he’d be digging himself out if an undeserved reputation or he would be “misunderstood”. He may be surprised at how his behavior causes others to react – but any reputation damage he does will be earned. I also don’t know why there would be any thought he would be misunderstood; again, if he says or does things that offends others, he likely means it.
I doubt any advice will make a difference. I’d avoid it unless he specifically asks.
@intparent I do think it’s possible to give offense inadvertently. And that it’s possible to be educated about what gives offense and to change one’s behavior.
I completely understand your concern. I’m married to someone who grew up in rural MO. We’ve had some discussions over the years that some of what he experienced in his childhood isn’t considered normal in the rest of the US. He believed a lack of indoor plumbing was normal in the 1980s for example. I swear it was well into the 2000s before you could buy a bagel anywhere within a 40 minute drive of where he gew up. There are still things there that make me shake my head when we visit.
So given my experience, I’d say you need to broach the conversation perhaps about culture shock. If your nephew starts spouting his mouth off, there’s a serious risk he’s going to come off as not only uncultured, but uneducated and be judged by it. You could start a conversation with, “what do you think the other students are going to be like?” and you can use humor. You can even mention how some kids are going to be coming form areas that are very PC and they’ll have a different vocabulary.
Good luck. I think it’s great that you’re able to drive him to college and hope that it’s a real bonding trip for you guys.
@Emsmom1, it seems like that was his parents’ job for the last 18 years. If they failed to do so, there is little that can be done in a 2 hour car ride. He will learn – maybe the hard way.
I’d maybe suggest that he pay careful attention in orientation to any honor code, campus rules, sessions on getting along with others, etc. Tell him that what the college chooses to emphasize are indicators of pitfalls that can derail a college experience. Then let the college take over. They will almost surely have diversity training, sexual assault training, handling alcohol training, etc.
I’d also maybe say that it is really exciting to go to a college with students from all over the country, and that he should make a point to try to make some good friends from other areas. It is part of what college is about to get to know a broader range of people, and he’s given himself a great opportunity by getting into this school.
A parent just posted on the family website for one of my kid’s school’s ranting about the time his kid had to spend in “ridiculous” diversity training in an orientation-type session. ALL schools are doing it now.
Also – I came from a family not to unlike your nephew’a. I took a few hard knocks socially as a college student and young adult until I learned that the language and attitudes in my family weren’t appropriate. It is embarrassing to look back now, but I did learn and change my thinking as I met more people… I doubt advice from a relative would have gone far, though. I think the key is to emphasize understanding the campus rules to him. A pissed off roommate is not fun, but he’ll survive if it happens. A Title IX or honor code violation is a different kettle of fish, but the college will be giving them info on this.
This is going to go off track for a minute, but is exactly the kind of thing that your nephew is going to face at college with regard to microaggressions and the political atmosphere he will face at college. OP used the term “conservative” to describe comments that were racist or misogynistic. Please don’t do that, its offensive.
Being from Missouri, my take on the issue is a little different. Your nephew would have to be completely oblivious to not be aware of certain cultural issues. The incident in Ferguson and at MU were widely covered. The Westborough Baptist “church” is very active in Missouri, even picketing concerts of bands like the Foo Fighters. MU has suffered greatly due to their mishandling of racial issues. While we live in a suburb, my husband and I both lived in a rural area. I have high school friends and a nephew that had to unfollow on Facebook due to the views they express. So I think I might have an understanding of where your nephew could be coming from - I hope his school will have some diversity training in their orientation so he does not alienate people. That said there are some people who may see his comments as ignorant because of where he is from (some people have a view of Midwestern’s/rural people as “backwards”) and try to give him some understanding of why a person should not say something. I know my son has tried to help a younger debate teammate who will say things that are offensive to the LGBT community. He tried to explain why that seeming innocuous comment hurts others. But I understand your worries. Sometimes people have to learn from their own mistakes.
Now I am curious how this student selected a small LAC in the NorthEast to attend college. (legitimately curious on the process he went through)
@melvin123 I did not mean to conflate all conservative beliefs with racism or misogyny. I am socially moderate and right-of-center (one might even say conservative) fiscally. I did not mean to cause offense. Sorry about that.