So two weeks ago our 17-year-old daughter told us she’s gay. I didn’t see it coming, and I’m struggling with some sadness and anxiety. We had just returned from a week-long college tour during which I paid little to no attention to LGBTQ questions and offerings. I know things are a lot better for this generation, and my daughter seems to be handling things well and her identity optimistically. She’s a smart, progressive, compassionate young woman who wants to go to a liberal arts college where there’s good community. It’s me who’s struggling. I’m wondering if any of you have encouraging stories you’re willing to share from a parent perspective about how it is on progressive campuses for LGBTQ students these days and whether any anxiety you might have felt back when you were launching them has lessened. To be honest, I just need some help quieting this gut-wrenching, new worry I feel for her future. Thank you.
My daughter had NO issues dating women (and men, she is bi) on her college campus. It was quite literally a non-issue at her west coast college. No one cared at all. I can also say that at my recent employers (in fairly progressive cities) - and I am a consultant, so see a lot of companies- there are plenty of openly gay employees, including some at the executive level. And… no one cares as far as I can tell.
Now… my D is now in grad school in a pretty conservative part of the country, and has been choosing not to date there. I don’t think she’s been telling people. It might be okay if she did, but it is certainly her right to keep that info to herself if she wants to.
The good news is that your D let you know before she picked a college. Almost every LAC will be just fine in this respect. She might want to pick a school in a more liberal part of the country — but there are tons of good choices out there.
PM me if you want to chat!
She will be fine. Half of my kid’s high school friends, here in the suburban Bible Belt, are queer or gender-nonconforming, and no one cares.
She is the same kid she was a month ago. The colleges where she would not be happy are the same colleges she wouldn’t have been happy at a month ago. You can have the same hopes and dreams for her, right down to legal marriage and biological-or-not grandkids.
This won’t be a problem at college.
@smbsmom you are gonna be just fine. I had no clue (obviously all my friends knew) and it took me for a loop. It’s been a year now since the news. Our relationship couldn’t be stronger. My son was so torn up inside because he was afraid I’d reject him. Broke my heart. Let your D know, no matter what, you are her parent and will love her no matter what. Everything will work out and she will find her place.
Hello~mom of a gay son here. Knew it when he was a toddler. He came out to us in HS. Came out to “the world” as a senior. Now 3rd year in college. My alma mater, a conservative southern school. On second thought, not quite conservative but certainly southern social values. Was a wee bit apprehensive. For the most part, all was for naught.
These kids are fortunate to be living in a different time than we grew up in. There is more freedom and acceptance. DS is a popular date to sorority formals (doesn’t thrill him-feels he’s the back up date!). He reminds me being gay is not all roses and rainbows but it is certainly better than it was. Turns out even the Dean of Students is an out gay person.
We sponsor a service academy student who is a gay female. She is in a close relationship with another woman and they are different races. We are all just humans now. I’m sort of just rambling. Feel free to PM me. Would really like to be supportive however I can. Perhaps we should figure out a way to have closed group discussions-maybe on FB? Don’t know if there is a way to do that on CC.
Anyhow, I’m here. You are not alone. You are probably in huge shock. It will be okay. College is a great place for them to be out and I think most colleges these days have a place for the LGBTQ community.
PS. I see you have another who attends/attended a basketball school. DS’ school is the newest reigning champs!
Ditto won’t be a problem but some schools will have a more robust LGBQ community than others, if that matters to her. Being supportive and loving to your kid about this (coming out) will be a source of stength and comfort to her for her entire life. The feelings of anxiety and worry will pass.
My daughter came out to us about a month ago and my wife asked about a hickey which turned out to be her new girlfriend. We like the girlfriend a lot. She had been kind of secretive about romantic things and I was very relieved that she wasn’t risking pregnancy/more likely STD with some guy.
I think our whole family has handled it well (she has only really told our nuclear family and probably most of her friends). I am sure Western Washington will be great for her.
OP:
I think you should make sure you visit the campuses and learn the vibe. I went to Occidental College in the 90’s and felt like a huge minority being a Conservative White Male. So, there are definitely schools where she will be supported.
My D is gender non-conforming and Bi (came out at 11), and she did wonderfully in HS, and is looking forward to college. Most LACs are very progressive and it is not really difficult for most of the LGBTQ community while at college. The post-millennial kids are pretty easy going about sexuality, at least in my experience.
Which LACs is your D thinking of? As you can tell, my D is going to a LAC…
Both of my kids are heterosexual and gender-conforming. Neither would go to a school that was not welcoming to the LGBTQ community. I think Gen Z is a lot more accepting than previous generations. Some big clues to how welcoming a campus is to the LGBTQ community is how housing is handled and does the school’s social media include the LBGTQ community. My son’s larger university has gender-non specific housing where one hall is dedicated to those students who wish to room with people of different or genders or people who do not identify as a specific gender. At D’s smaller lac the housing app specifically asked if the student was knowledgeable of the issues that LGBTQ students face and if they would be open to rooming with a transgender person (Freshman are assigned roommates). D’s school posts frequently about the LGBTQ’s community events. Our close friends have a son who is transgender and have found the campus pride index organization to be a valuable research tool.
I couldnt remember what it was called but yes, look up the Campus Pride index and it may be helpful. They list their top 30 LGBTQ friendly schools and provide the criterian for why a particular school was chosen. Of course, not making the list does not mean a school falls short. They just did not get the authors’ attention.
Congratulations to the OP! Appreciate that you have a teenager who wants to share herself with you. That’s wonderful.
My kid came out as gay in 8th grade, and is also gender non-binary. We live in the liberal NE and she’s chosen a college in the liberal NE. The world is so different now than when we were young. Identity and sexuality are no big deal for most young people.
You might enjoy watching good TV shows with realistic young female gay characters coming into themselves. I LOVE and highly recommend One Day at a Time and Everything Sucks. Both were quality, entertaining, and very heartwarming. Safe to watch with your kid (safe as in you won’t be viewing sex scenes together)!
There are few LAC campuses that aren’t very lgbtq+ friendly, but if you have specific questions, feel free to PM. IMO the Campus Pride index should be taken with a big grain of salt; it’s pretty new and not completely dependable.
Best wishes on your next big adventure. Keep breathing!
The valedictorian of Brigham Young University came out during his commencement speech this week.
It’s actually a problem to be an active lgbtq person in the eyes of that church. The speech was approved by administration and universally supported inside the school! That’s BYU and it’s ok. It’s beyond ok at nearly schools. It’s a complete non issue. Which is the best status.
TBH, on some campuses, they might think they were in the minority. 
For the OP, unless she’s targeting colleges of the Bob Jones type, it’s really going to be a non-issue at almost every college - and certainly a non-issue at any LAC. Good luck to her.
I’ve been where you are. It’s almost like mourning, isn’t it? We never had a problem with our son being gay (honestly, we weren’t all that surprised), but we worried due to where we live.
DS came out to us a few weeks before his 17th bday. He was only a junior in high school at the time. And even though we live in an extremely racist and homophobic area, he was by and large accepted by his teammates, coaches, and classmates. We really only had one bad experience where a player harassed our younger son while he attended a youth camp provided by the high school team. Following the younger son around, telling him his older brother was a f__. The fallout was swift & intense. That player has since left the team as well as the school.
DS has not dated, which I admit concerns me a little. I’m very hopeful for his future though. He will be attending a very small LAC an hour away from Columbus, Ohio. It wasn’t by design, but since he made his decision we’ve heard great things about the vibrant LGBTQ+ community in C-bus. His campus also has several LGBTQ+ based clubs & organizations he can join if he chooses. So fingers crossed!!
One little anecdote from my son-- "I’m gay, but being gay is not Me. I’m more than the sum of my parts and my gay-ness is just one piece of Me. I’m still a writer, a ballplayer, a big brother, a non-cook… everything I was yesterday is still there. "
I thought that was really insightful for a young kid so I thought I would share.
Presuming you mean https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/allthemoms/2019/04/29/matt-easton-byu-valedictorian-mormon-comes-out-gay-graduation-speech/3615629002/ .
There was also related news from the CJCLDS: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/04/04/mormons-repeal-ban-baptisms-children-lgbtq-parents/3364557002/ .
My middle kid (D20) is trans (she came out as nonbinary in 9th grade and as trans in 10th - that was a bit of a surprise) and the youngest (S22) is gay (he came out to the family in 8th grade, to no one’s surprise, but he’s not out to extended family yet). D20 picked up a bright rainbow knit beanie cap a couple of months ago and wore it on most of the college tours we’ve been on since then (the only one she didn’t wear it on was because she’d forgotten it in the hotel room). I made some comment about it like, “well, I guess you’ll figure out right away whether anyone at the school has any negative issues with LGBT people.” She agreed and said her main reason was actually not so much to stand out but to build trust by disclosing something, but basically when you are only there for an hour or so it did mean we didn’t really have to beat around the bush about asking about LGBT friendliness on campus. She didn’t get any weird or hostile looks and got a bunch of compliments on the hat, by the way. Also, several of the larger schools had fliers in the admissions office specifically about LGBT issues (that said, our list of schools to visit was already biased toward places that we knew would be accepting).
One thing that did worry me a bit was not on campus but off… stopping for gas in the middle of some random neighborhood in Cleveland… and it was probably fine but you have no idea and that’s where I start wondering about my kid’s safety outside of our California bubble.
Anyway, back to your story. It’s a shock to have this vision for how you pictured your child’s life going suddenly change. It’s taken me a lot longer to adjust to my middle kid being trans than my youngest being gay and I don’t know how much of that is that trans is a bigger difference than gay is vs that I always suspected the youngest was likely gay so it really wasn’t a surprise when he confirmed it. So give yourself time to get used to the new normal while supporting her. Like the other posters are saying, most kids these days are really accepting of gender and sexuality differences (or at least, most kids at the more progressive schools).
What you are going through is normal - H and I called it “the adjustment” after S came out at 20. Getting as much information as you can will make the adjustment faster. This is an older book, but I found it helpful: Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences (Carolyn Griffin). Know that you are not alone.
As other posters have indicated, most colleges are not a problem. S attended a Jesuit college, and it was fine there too. Right now he is in grad school in Texas and has a BF. ‘OMG, Texas!’ doesn’t help my insomnia any, to be sure, but he seems to be doing fine.
@dowzerw, one can PM with a group on here, just add more people to your pm list.
@skieurope “TBH, on some campuses, they might think they were in the minority.” - Yep, my son goes to American U and he is on a club team where he is the only heterosexual male.
My son is gay. He didn’t come out to us until his senior year in college. We knew little to nothing about his “social life” before that. So this was a surprise to us but we’re “modern” parents and our main concern was that he was happy and focused on his college career and beyond. He’s in a committed relationship now. He’s had a very good early career and afaik has experienced no discrimination or special problems.