Help! Parents, is this a homesickness disaster waiting to happen?

Parents Forum
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<p>I agree with everyone here, that you should come to the U.S. Come with a heart open to the experience to learn and grow all you can – but also recognize that both you and your mom will have some down moments in the years ahead. That’s okay, that’s part of life, and some patches of homesickness or longing for each other will come along with the exciting and busy life of college. </p>

<p>As a recent empty nester myself, it would be great if your mom sees this not as “losing” a daughter, but a time to gain new insight into herself as a woman. She will always be a mom, but having you leave can be an opportunity for her add to her identity in a new way!</p>

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<p>My D1 is normally one time zone away in college, and we talk on the phone every day (she calls me, she started when she went to college – partly because she was worried when I cried when I dropped her off). But last semester she went abroad to the other side of the world (about 9 hours ahead of my time zone). We set up Skype, but we actually ended up chatting via the Facebook messaging function and AOL AIM more often. We chatted every single day. She would usually get on at about 8 or 9 pm her time. I would be on AIM, and we could chat (even when I was at my desk at work, we would talk a little bit).</p>

<p>I would say to come to the US. Really, I wouldn’t recommend having your mom come for the first month. That is your window to make new friends, do things with your new dorm mates, etc. It is a pretty important window to establish connections with your new college. But if she could come over the first year at your spring break… maybe spend a week traveling, then a week staying near campus so she can see what you do every day, etc.</p>

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<p>You and your mother have a wonderful bond. It now must move to a new phase/level/era that allows both of you to grow.</p>

<p>Every parent knows that their kids will eventually leave, and that it hurts. When we dropped my first son at the airport, I cried for only the third time in 25 years. But I could not deny him an amazing future to avoid my tears.</p>

<p>By the way, last weekend I was on the campus that I believe you are headed to–it has an amazing feel.</p>

<p>Go.</p>

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<p>As the mom of a d who is about to leave for college, I can tell you it is so hard for me to let her go, but the best thing in the world for her and me is for her to leave. Your mom will be fine, she will make a life for herself and you will too. Please do not feel guilty about growing up, it is a sign that your mom did a wonderful job. My daughter and I are also very close and we will both be sad but also very excited at the same time. Go, enjoy, thrive and your mom will be proud and happy (and still a little sad, but that is ok!).</p>

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<p>Thank you for all your supportive comments. My mom has been great, very supportive, trying her best to do everything to make me feel happy. Both my parents have always told me to follow my heart. I think we’re both equally close or weak or whatever you want to call it. She’s also planning things to do to keep her busy when I’m gone - volunteering, classes etc but of course it’s going to be hard after so many years. Has anyone “gotten back into the game” after many years? Any tips on how to start? The thing is, she’s approaching it as “this is best for my child so I will support her”, she is not excited for herself, and maybe I am expecting too much but I want her to want this for herself too. What makes it harder is that I have gotten into HKU, what is known as the best school in my city (was going to keep that a secret but I guess everyone figured it out!). So the difference in quality between this LAC and HKU is not as big as it could have been.</p>

<p>So do you all suggest that I start distancing myself slowly? My instinct is to treasure the last few months of living at home and spend time with my parents. Would it be better to stop spending time with them? And is crying normal? I never had a dream college, was just happy to get where I got. I’m not dying to go either. Is this normal or am I the only one?</p>

<p>Oh and yes, we have both skype and facebook.</p>

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<p>I think you should have a game where you say "I am more terrified than you because I am afraid of . . . " and you fill in the blank. Then it’s her turn. See who can be most outrageous. Then all the fears are on the table and you can laugh about them. </p>

<p>Even better, make a list of each fears and agree to review them after your first semester. You may really laugh then. </p>

<p>Courage! Think of yourself staying at home. Visualize yourself as 50 years old, never having left the block. Ugh! What a sad pair the two of you would be at that point!</p>

<p>Insist that if you are going to do something scary (go away to college) that Mom has to try something scary for herself too so that the two of you can compare stories. It doesn’t matter whether it is learning French or learning to nude skydive – just something that Mom is nervous and excited about trying. Then you two buddies go for your separate adventures with the promise of sharing stories over Skype this fall.</p>

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<p>Like you, she won’t really know how she’ll feel until you actually leave. So for now, it seems good that you both live in the moment, enjoy your time together and let it flow naturally rather than to create formats that put distance between you while awaiting your actual departure. I think you’ll both look back on it as a happy summer with good memories to hold.</p>

<p>If it helps any, when my first went away it took me almost a year to look or sound happy that he was away! I did miss him a lot, at first.</p>

<p>But by his sophomore year, as I told my friends, my pleasure, pride and joy in his accomplishments (that he shared back with me throughout freshman year) began to eclipse my sadness that he wasn’t around in person. I realized he could never have similar opportunities had he stayed close to home.</p>

<p>My excitement grew steadily as his first year away unfolded. Only then did “happy, excited for him” become the first thing I thought of, rather than my own missing him. I’d imagine him in a class, or theater production (his passion), or extend in my mind a recent phone conversation to realize he was having such tremendous opportunities at his LAC. </p>

<p>I got excited based on actual data he provided me throughout the first year, rather than as an abstract feeling before he left home. These days, I just walk around really smiling about all 3 of my kids who live (and will continue to live) far away but are doing what they wish based on education. </p>

<p>So perhaps you’ll see that excitement from Mom gradually, after you leave home, and maybe a year or more later than now! Just my experience. </p>

<p>The person who leaves is doing the more exciting thing. The others stay in place, so excited/happy isn’t likely to be their first feeling. Give her time. </p>

<p>Your Mom sounds generous in her heart. You will always have each other’s primary affection even if you go to college far away. You are both so lucky.</p>

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<p>you know…u don’t HAVE to go (sorry, i don’t mean to use caps but i don’t know how to do the italics). sometimes we americans put our cultural expectations off on everybody, when not everybody views the ‘going farrrr away to college’ thing the same way. u really CAN stay closer to home, for now, and if you feel like you need to have a ‘going away’ experience, there’s always graduate school.</p>

<p>i’m not saying that you ‘should’ stay closer to your family. i’m saying that either way is fine. do what you feel is right for YOU–not what other people may expect of you. </p>

<p>all the best whatever you decide!</p>

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<p>may i ask this:
“why” is your mom not excited about college? does she “see” herself living the college life? i think touring the HKU as well as any local colleges will give her some ‘excitement’ ( can’t think of a better word) </p>

<p>you’re not going to war or being sent off to an ‘arranged marriage’ where you need to feel like college will cut you off from your family. </p>

<p>further distancing yourself? maybe that is not the right “term”.
Just intentionally do activities without them tagging along side. Mom+dad do their own fun things, you do yours & then have dinner/evening time together as a family like you normally do…so you’ll have MORE things to talk about.</p>

<p>your mom+dad will have more ‘private’ time together as a couple without you at home. its probably something they won’t “tell you”…they can go “dating with each other” & do all the interesting things just the 2 of them, LOL</p>

<p>HKU is great…my husband & all his friends went there. Its a great school & hey
you could live in their dorm…something to think about…it will be cool too. its a way to live by yourself vs living at home w/ a maid & hirehelp & all.</p>

<p>i do hope your mom will get super excited about your college ,
whether that will be HKU or top LAC here…college is something to look forward to!
I hope she can 'feel my excitement ! my kid will be going to college a few hours from home.</p>

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<p>

You are such a thoughtful daughter. You and your mother are blessed to have each other.</p>

<p>However… yes… you are expecting too much (although that might not be the way I would have put it). It is the natural order of things that our children grow and expand their world. This means leaving the nest in one form or other.</p>

<p>As parents we give our children “roots and wings.” Neither part of the job is always easy, but both are part of a job done well. Do not rob your mother of the privilege of doing the second part of the job, which she wants to do. Yes, it involves some discomfort. But that is okay.</p>

<p>The part of this that your mother “wants for herself” is rising to the occasion of letting you go. It may not look like what you envision as being “excited”, but it is the right next step in your and her lives.</p>

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<p>I am a mother of an only child, a daughter. I am from India. We too have moved from one metro to another. She is an ED-2 admit to Stern,NYU class of 2015.</p>

<p>I can tell you from mother’s point of view ,the immense feeling of pride and a sense of achievement just outweighs any other. I am a stay at home mom myself and i can’t tell you how proud i am and have great sense of joy and content that she is finally beginning her journey of life on her own in a land over 2000 miles away. Of course i will miss her but to put it more philosophically it is such a huge sense of “job well done”. </p>

<p>She has made us proud and we feel extremely privileged and Blessed to see our young girl transition into adulthood and becoming her own person. And also i am so happy that she is confident and looking forward to this journey and that she is ready to take on the world.</p>

<p>Sure we will worry and be concerned and feel helpless at times but all of that is an essential part of growing up and we hope and pray that we have imparted enough wisdom for her to do the right thing. Life is always about the choices we make and i hope she will have the wisdom to make the right choices most of the time with the things that matter the most. I pray that she will learn to priortise her life and balance academics and fun and make the most of the opportunities that life has to offer and then pray some more…I am sure your mom will share some of these and more. </p>

<p>Parents worry much less when their children convey a sense of comfort and enthusiasm at the things they are going to do. So i am going to advise you to show more excitement towards your onward journey. You will always be your mother’s little girl.</p>

<p>I wish you the very best in life and take care.</p>

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<p>Correction-she is going 7807 miles not 2000 miles away from home</p>

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<p>It is NOT your job to worry about your mother. It is a parent’s job to raise their child for that moment when the child can move off on his/her own, just like any other species. Yes, your mother should cry for herself, but at the same time be happy for you.</p>

<p>I don’t think it is ever a good thing for mothers and daughters to be “best friends”. I love my daughters dearly, and speak or text with them often (mostly when they contact me, so I’m not interfering), but I do my best to let them live their own lives as much as they can. That idea of having your mother live in a hotel near your college for a month sounds like an invitation to disaster to me, because you need to spend that first month making friends for yourself and finding your place at school (joining clubs and stuff like that). If you are worrying about your mother, you won’t be taking care of your own needs. I would set up a schedule for skyping her (not more than once a day and not every day) so that you can assure yourselves that both are okay, but give you have the freedom to begin your new life.</p>

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<p>With the internet now, being in a different country is not the problem it used to be. You can communicate with your mother daily. She wants the best for you and will do anything to make that happen for you. It is only four years. You might be surprised that you mother actually gets a life with you out of the way.</p>

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<p>My daughter and I are EXTREMELY close too and she is going from So. Calif. to Boston. I will miss her terribly, but Boston was always her dream, and she worked very hard to obtain that dream. I am nothing but proud <3</p>

<p>Thank goodness for skype and frequent flier miles :)</p>