<p>I just finished my Personal Statements everyone! Can you guys help me by Critiquing them! I would greatly appreciate it. send me an email at <a href="mailto:omead_poure@yahoo.com">omead_poure@yahoo.com</a> and i'll send my essays over! THANKS</p>
<p>Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>
<p>I stretched my arm across his stiff chest, holding him back as we flip in mid-air at seventy miles per hour. I was aware of everything all at once – the ghostly expression in his eyes, the windy dust surrounding our car, and the laptop flying in front of us. Everything I knew was being threatened in slow motion while swerving on the two lane road. The car finally came to a halt. It is completely demolished at its nose and rear. We gasp a sigh of relief as we wait for help. Highway 46, notorious for its deadly roads almost took two more lives; no words describe the experience we felt on that cold bleak afternoon.
The night before, four years of my life had come to its closing stages in one last event. Along with my peers, I crossed the stage and received my High School Diploma. I felt on top of the world; ending one chapter of my life and thrilled for the next to come. I was young, strong, and invincible or at least I thought I was. The following day my twin brother and I grabbed our luggage and decided to visit our father in Monterey, CA. In my driveway, was our brand new car my parents had bought us for graduation. Little did I know this trip would be a life changing experience.
The time I spent volunteering at Mercy Hospital was for the most part, traumatizing. I had seen elderly folks die in their beds, serious accident victims in excruciating pain, and the occasional drug addict struggling for his or her life. I had never imagined that I would be in a situation like the people I took care of and in many ways, I was ignorant to the reality of life and death. Every since the car accident, my outlook on life has been significantly different. I used to sleep in every chance I got. Now I wake up early every morning because sleeping in is a waste of life. I used to care about the material things, like our brand new car; now, I am content with the simple things in life that get me from point A to point B. Before, life's curve balls used to set me back a step; now I take two steps forward when they do. We are only sure about living once so I live every second of today and never take tomorrow for granted. I'm not a pessimist, but I am a realist and the reality is that life is gift and what we do with it is of our own choice. I have chosen to pursue a higher education because I've learned that sitting by and waiting for things to come, is irresponsible, immature, and irrational. Since the accident, I have worked hard and learned the values of perseverance and dedication so that one day I would be able to complete my education at a University of California school--the chapter in my life that I hope will make it worth living.</p>
<p>Ok. . . Before I get into the nitpicky work of editing I offer a question, or advice, or whatever you want to call it.</p>
<p>The essay is a little abstract. I guess you survived a crash, and you also did work in at a hospital? As a result, you now take life more seriously, and some of your values have changed.</p>
<p>I am wondering if you could give more examples of how you persevere, work hard, etc. Perhaps spend a little less of your word allotment describing the crash. You spent 10% of your total word allotment describing the crash. I think you could still be dramatic, and cut some of it out.</p>
<p>Connect the character change to academics.</p>