Help with my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I decided to write a practice essay for the SAT, and since I don't really know how to proofread my own writing (as I am not a great writer and/or judge of writing)...
care to help? I'm trying to work toward a 12 on my essay so that I can score an 800 on the writing section when I actually take the SAT.</p>

<p>Prompt:
"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." -Muhammad Ali</p>

<p>If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>ESSAY;</p>

<p>In terms of business, society tends to consider talent the epitomme of success. When applying for a job, one may be asked about their experiences in a certain field in order to determine acquisition of skills. However, in contrast to the uniform process used to single out the adept from the inept, a different method must be used to differentiate further; this step determines the cut off of the minority from the majority.</p>

<p>As shown through classics, children's stories, and movies, talent does not define prosperity. Instead, talent, though important, only acts as a catalyst for the development of true 'champions'. In every character from JK Rowling's famous Harry Potter to Hercules, everyone's favorite hero, one can observe the strength in passion, motivation, and a craving for success. In Aesop's fable of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise is, at first glance, obviously the underdog. One would expect the tortoise to have no chance against the hare, who was born with its extreme agility. Ironically enough, the tortoise wins the race and sends the hare into a state of utter humiliation. This is only one case out of thousands in which the protagonist begins as the loser. The tortoise was not capable of outrunning the hare, yet it never gave up, and eventually surpassed the hare, who pompously thought that losing was impossible. Time after time again, perseverance leads to fruitful results while ignorance and carelessness can have detrimental effects. People can only reach a certain point with skill. Without the motivation, one can never surpass the boundary between the simply 'talented' and the truly successful. </p>

<pre><code>Those who dream, crave, and strive for their goals regardless of their dearth in a "chance" will progress forward, while those with talent but no aspirations stay suspended in the same situation for eternity. Skill is not only an innate, exclusive badge to be worn by an elite, pre-selected few. With practice and perseverance through failed attempts, an underdog can easily surpass the first winners. People who lack motivation never practice, never improve, and therefore can never achieve self-actualization and a place at the pinnacle of a hierarchy of success. They forever remain behind a barrier impermeable to those without an effort to improve. If utilized, natural talent can pave the pathway to success. In addition, the underprivileged can also attain their goals through their ambitions, constant efforts, vast area for improvement and craving to have a place among the best. Therefore, while innate abilities may certainly facilitate a journey, ambition and desire are absolute necessities to reach the final destination.
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2

<p>Overall I thoroughly enjoyed your essay.</p>

<p>However (you don’t have to take my word for it, I’m also still working on my essay portion) </p>

<ol>
<li>It doesn’t seem like you really had a thesis sentence nor did you really take a side in your first paragraph.</li>
<li>I feel like you should have broken up the HP/Rabbit & Hare example into two paragraphs and to expand on it more. Or you can keep it the way you have, but I would suggest making a 2nd body paragraph based on the reasoning, one is example, another is your reasoning and logic as to why motivation is more necessary and important.</li>
</ol>

<p>Hope it helps!</p>

3

<p>Intro: You didn’t state your thesis clearly. Trim the unnecessary fluff and state your position explicitly. When you can’t think of a way to state your side, regurgitate the question. You also didn’t mention the types of examples you will be using. All it takes is one sentence to summarize your entire essay (e.g. “This is demonstrated in literature, historical events and current events.”)</p>

<p>Body paragraphs: You only used one example, the tortoise and hare. Since you mentioned Aesop’s writings, the second paragraph could have been easily your literature paragraph if you had mentioned literature in the topic sentence. You can cut the Harry Potter and Hercules part, that’s irrelevant if you’re going to be talking about Aesop. However you did an exceptional job of analyzing and relating the example to the thesis. However you only used one example when you should ideally be looking to use three. Two examples is the minimum if you’re really having a hard time thinking of something. Your conclusion is unnecessarily long; you just reworded what’s been said a bunch of times. You may have been trying to fill up the two pages but you could have cut down the conclusion to 2-3 sentences and use the extra time to write another body paragraph. </p>

<p>Overall: You used a lot of SAT words so that’s a plus but I hope you didn’t spend valuable time thinking of synonyms. If you’re just naturally good with words like that, then kudos to you. However you still have a lot of useless sentences that just reword what you wrote a few sentences ago. It may work in English class but SAT readers want to see solid examples that you effectively use to support your thesis. Get to the point and cut the fluff.</p>

<p>All of this may seem harsh but remember it’s constructive criticism. If I were an SAT grader I would give this essay a 3, mainly because your lack of a thesis and your use of only one example. A solid thesis is the easiest thing to improve and it would bump this up to a 4. On top of that, replacing the extraneous regurgitated sentences with substantiated examples would bump it up to a 5 or 6.</p>

4

<p>Thank you! And yeah, in my English class I was taught to have a smooth transition into my argument so I wasn’t sure if I should have put my thesis out there as the very first thing or transition into it.
/brain asplosion</p>

5

<p>So for the SAT essay, would it be alright to have a choppy essay? I have a lot of trouble thinking of transition phrases, and that took up a lot of my time while writing the essay (I was originally going to include an example of a character from a kdrama who was unsuccessful despite his talents and I was going to talk about one of my life experiences and observations at school).</p>

<p>Now I know that I should get straight to the point, and so does collegeboard care most about that, and not so much about the fluidity of the writing?</p>

6

<p>Who is your audience? Actually the audience is college-educated and experienced English teachers. They are familiar with the fable of the tortoise and the hare. They don’t need to have it explained to them in minute detail. If you wish to make detailed points, make them and move on without retelling the entire fable.</p>

<p>xthrillakillax is right about cutting lots of unnecessary explanation and repetition. You would have done better to deal with the other examples you just mentioned.</p>

<p>Try to find a composition text and read about “coherence”. That should help you to learn about and practice transitions and making ideas flow smoothly, which is what ‘coherence’ means, more or less.</p>

<p>Finally, remember that the best writing has something to say and says it in words and sentences that are clear, direct and economical. Your final paragraph is a perfect example of writing that strains to impress rather than to communicate. Redundancies like “dream, crave and strive for goals” and “progress forward”, tortured sentence constructions, and just off-target vocabulary don’t impress nearly as much as a new idea expressed efficiently. </p>

<p>(Those who dream, crave, and strive for their goals regardless of their dearth (?) in a “chance” (?) will progress forward, while those with talent but no aspirations stay suspended in the same situation for eternity.) How about, “Those who work to achieve their dreams move forward, while those who have talent but lack motivation do not.”</p>