My H has a real fear of flying. He’s in a complete panic from the time we take off until we land. Our daughter is going to college across the country and he is STILL flying with us to take her there. He wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Of course, for some people it’s different-my sister drove out with her BF and my parents never set foot on her campus. My BIL came from a low-income family and he moved into college on the east coast alone. But that was a case of REAL financial hardship, not just frugality.
I agree with the others-don’t try to convince your H he’s wrong. YOU go. YOU help. YOU be there for your D. I can’t fathom how she’d get all her stuff to the dorm from various stores otherwise, unless all that frugality goes out the window and she hires taxis or Uber to make multiple trips back and forth. That would erase at least part of the “savings” you’d have by not going. Good luck.
If you can afford to go, I would go. H and I weren’t able to help our older daughter move into college, because it was too cost prohibitive (she went halfway around the world), and the college took care of practically everything for her. But for our younger daughter going only 1000 miles away, we totally planned on going. We flew, had pre-ordered our stuff at BedBathBeyond, and picked it up near her school. Went to parent orientation. It was a real treat for me.
I bet anything BBB will deliver. If not, there will be half a hundred people with cars willing to help.
I am going to be a voice of dissent. Back in the Dark Ages, one my sisters flew out to Stanford on her own, and the other flew to the University of Arizona on her own, and neither suffered because no parent went with her. My father did take me to college, which was a longish drive from where we lived, but a short drive from where his parents were living. It was awkward and unnecessary. We spent about 10 minutes together after we got there.
Of course, my wife and I accompanied both kids to their move-ins when they started college, and we stayed overnight, went to the programs, etc. We did it for the reason @MotherOfDragons gives: it was for us. Not our kids. It was an expensive luxury about which they were ambivalent. If it had caused us financial strain, we wouldn’t/shouldn’t have done it.
The current obsession with surrounding college students with mounds of possessions newly purchased at BBB or Target approaches the obscene. Most of that stuff will be unused after the first week (if it is ever used at all). They don’t need it. I think lots of kids would be much better served by learning how to travel light and how to face new experiences on their own rather than moving with a baggage train and a retinue of beloved domestic servants.
If it’s important for you to go, then go. A RT plane ticket for you alone probably won’t exceed $500. Cut back on non-essentials to budget for it, if you must. Given what college will cost over 4 years, this seems like the proverbial drop in the financial bucket.
If you want to make an argument for frugality, fly on SW and then you can use your 2 free checked bags to transport needed stuff for your child.
@MotherOfDragons is right, because there isn’t a right or wrong here, and approaching disagreements as equals is more effective IMO. I think the argument that your D is independent and doesn’t need you offers a counter argument for you to make. After all, you going doesn’t take away from your daughter’s independence. She will be independent every OTHER day of the school year. I always think struggles we face in life are more helpful if we know we have family and friends who support us. Even when we don’t seek help from them. Going along on this trip makes it clear that you support her. Parents go along for this just as much as to buy dorm sheets and under the bed storage from Bed Bath and Beyond.
Since you asked what parents are doing, My H and I are going for D2’s first move in, and we both went for D1’s first move it. I’ve gone by myself and helped the other two years. We are also across the country. I think even if your D didn’t think she wanted you along, she probably would be sad later if you didn’t go especially if she’s the only one without parents there.
Back in the day it wasn’t unusual not to go. I flew by myself 2000 miles to Denver and had to take a bus to Boulder which dropped me off at the edge of campus and then schlep across campus with my suitcase (everything else has been shipped) to my dorm. I don’t even remember how I found it - must have asked someone - as I’d never laid eyes on the campus before that day. My parents could have come - they could afford if - but it just wasn’t done. My roommate, also from NY, drove herself. But times have changed and most kids have at least one parent there. I drove the 5 hours through the remnants of a hurricane (H couldn’t go as he’s was in emergency management at the time) and as I was exhausted from dealing with hurricane on my own the days before - it probably was the worse drop off of all time (caused by me being so knackered and a huge kerfuffle over lightbulbs) and I left after soon after he was all moved in. It was a drop off just for freshman and they all were leaving later that day for 4 day trips before orientation so none of the parents stayed, unless the lived far away - but they were all done with their kids right after move-in. I’m sure all the kids - including my kid - survived just fine. They all seemed much more interested in going off to trip meeting then being with their parents another minute.
I never went to another move in or move out as S had a car the last 3 years.
I didn’t think the OP was asking for our opinions on whether or not she should go, but rather good reasons to go that might sway her husband. I think my D could have managed fine without us (she did every other year after that), and if I had to do it all over again I might have saved the money to fly out instead for a parents weekend or to watch her compete at a home meet. However, one reason I say that is because D moved in early due to being an athlete, plus we needed to leave right after to get our younger one back home for school, so we missed any parent activities on the regular move-in day–which may or may not have made the excursion more worthwhile…
My DD flew across country to college. There was never any question about me going along…and I did.
We also ordered stuff from BBB. In addition, we made a Target run, and got some stiff at office max. I rented the car. No way for her to schlep the stuff without it.
We had fun.
Plus…flying southwest, this meant we had four checked bags instead of only two if she had flown alone. So,she was able to take twice as much needed stuff from home.
I asked my husband if he wanted to take time off from work to come. He didn’t see a reason for BOTH of us to,go. I made plane reservations for DD and me, and went. No further discussion.
I say, if you want to go, and your daughter wants you to go…you go. No additional reason needed.
If you can do it financially, it would be most likely be both comforting and calming to your D if one of you could be there. Mabye suggest you do it this year and not after that.
My husband and I are both looking forward to accompanying our daughter to move in day. We asked her if she wanted us to take the long 12 hour flight with her before assuming we would be included. Neither of us has visited the school she will be attending and really want to get a feel for the place she will be spending her next four years.
We intend to take advantage of the first bag checked free for each of us and each bring an additional large duffel bag, as well as carry-on luggage. We’ll fill the duffel bags with bedding, towels and clothing and then fold them up, put them in the empty suit cases and bring them with us when we fly home.We plan to arrive the day before and take a taxi van to a hotel with all of our luggage. The following morning we’ll hire another taxi van to drive us to campus and help her unpack and get settled in.
We are so pleased to have been invited to witness this upcoming milestone in her life and are honored to be included!
@JHS, I think you’re less the voice of dissent than the voice of a former student whose family just didn’t take their kids to college as a right of passage, or in your case, only as a convenience. I assume I’m in your age bracket, and my entire family, including 4 siblings and my sister’s joined-at-the-hip best friend, drove me to college. It made move-in a snap with so many people carrying boxes. Then we went to eat the at pizza place down the road and they went on their way (just 2 hours from home). It was a grand send-off and I’ve never forgotten it. They may have done it for THEM but it sure was for ME as well.
That said, whatever works for each family is “right”. We will not be going to BBB. We will bring what we can, and look to Target and Ross or Walmart for the rest. Nothing fancy, nothing in mass quantities. But others are probably ok with big piles of stuff, just as they’re fine with expensive flights back and forth. It’s all good.
Our DD’s school has one week pre-orientation and orientation program, so students get placed in a temporary dorms for a week. We will be flying cross country to drop her off for her pre-orientation program, but will not stay a week to see her move to her permanent dorm. She is taking absolutely necessary stuff with her, the rest we will ship to her later.
If we are comparing our own experiences with first time move in, my mom had to take me to college bc it is very rural and we didn’t know anyone else going. When we pulled up to my dorm, I remember my mom was kind enough to slow down as she shoved me and my suitcase out of the car before she peeled off. So yes, kids can survive not having parents help moving in.
I would look at things from an upside vs downside scenario.
If you go, will you ever regret going. HIGHLY DOUBTFUL even if you just move her in, say goodbye and leave.
If you don’t go will you ever regret it. HIGHLY POSSIBLE. If your daughter ends up struggling with move in or even settling in you may regret not being there for her.
Could this regret strain your relationship with your husband. Possibly!
My husband and I took our son last year. We helped move him in. Went to lunch and the opening reception with him then said our goodbyes and started our 6 hour trek back home. This year we both will be taking him again and we will both also be taking my daughter in a different direction for her freshman year.
I just personally believe you will never regret going but you may regret not going which could cause bigger issues.
We are busy with a Senior Dinner event tonight and graduation tomorrow. I will put this to rest by Monday. I truly appreciate all words of wisdom. I don’t have the college move-in experience since I went to a local college and lived at home. I have spoken with H throughout the day and I think I have found a kink in his armor, teehee. I will let you it rest for now. Come Monday, watch out. Thanks again! Seriously. It’s nice to have differing thoughts on how to approach the subject.
@cardinal2020mom do let us know how it turns out. Fwiw, my H is the one saying that he will be doing cartwheels down the sidewalk after dropping D off, and has been saying things like how we’ll be able to go out anytime anywhere without worrying what time she needs to be picked up, that her “stuff” will no longer be spread from one end of the living room to the other. He’s also the one posting on Facebook about her last field trip, how the plane tickets will include a one-way ticket, and so forth. HE is going to be just as broken up as I will. He’s just acting like he won’t–until drop-off happens.
When my mother left for college, she had a three-day train ride across the country by herself, and everything she was going to have at her college was with her. No one even dreamed in those days that her mother might accompany her on that trip. (Her father had died several years before, but he wouldn’t have gone either.) At the same time, it would not have occurred to anyone, least of all my mother, to doubt my grandmother’s fierce love for my mother. She got her big send-off . . . at the train station. (And, because it was a three-day trip, at least – it was more than three days if you drove – my mother wasn’t ever going to come home more than once a year. Affordable passenger air service was still some years away.)
Similarly, neither I nor my sisters thought that our mother not coming with us to college indicated any kind of emotional distance at all. Would there have been less anxiety had she come? Of course. So what?
I am not saying it’s wrong to accompany your child to college. It’s not wrong. It’s just unnecessary, at least to the child, unless you have unusual circumstances.
(look online for a first use coupon if you or your D decide to use it)