My H and I are at complete odds here. He sees no reason for either one of us to go with our D to help her get settled at school. Am I wrong?? Even if she was going 20 minutes away I’d want to be there. I’m really annoyed. Please give me some ammo.
“No reason” is odd. There are lots of reasons, most importantly that it’s a big transition and a little farewell/sendoff is a nice thing to do. Plus you can be a useful set of hands. And the schools often run parent orientation programs that can be useful.
That said, if the kid really doesn’t want it, you can forgo it, and if H isn’t interested, he can forgo it. But personally I’d be there in a heartbeat (currently arm-wrestling for the privilege), and it’s quite typical for parents to go.
My D would have been very disappointed had I not dropped her off (it was a five hour drive). It feels like the “last supper” so to speak…we chatted about things we hadnt talked about forever and reminisced a lot. Its a huge transition for most kids and parents and while being bittersweet, its a memory to cherish. I’m especially glad I did it now that she’ll be at school most of the summer this year, something I hadn’t expected. Its easy to say, well…they’ll be home so much and then all summer, but that’s not always the case. Dropping her off at school for freshman year has now become the day she started her “new life” in my eyes. One that is distinctly different than the childhood one she spent at my home for 18 years.
Agreed. It’s not required but it’s pretty common for at least one parent to help. If you want to and it’s not cost prohibitive, there’s no reason NOT to. Don’t we all do things that aren’t strictly necessary? Wanting to do it and being able to are reason enough IMO.
How is she going to travel to college?
If the choice is between traveling alone by bus, train, or plane and being driven by a parent, most students would probably choose the latter because they’re bringing a lot of stuff with them. It’s more convenient to bring it in a car.
Does your husband understand the huge message he’s sending to your daughter? My guess is that almost every other person she meets will have their parents there. Her roommate if from the US will undoubtably . Your daughter will see that her parents aren’t like other parents. They have decided not to provide the physical And emotional support that is normal. Is that what he’s looking to tell her?
The fact that you want to do it is good enough reason. Unless it is somehow cost prohibitive or there is an unworkable schedule conflict, I don’t see the need for any other reason.
@Marian she’s flying across the country. The plan is to order everything online and pick up there.
@1or2Musicians My H would tell you everything is cost prohibitive. This is something I would go into debt for. This is once in a lifetime event. His parents didn’t go with him so he thinks it’s ok.
@maya54 I’ve already said that to him. He thinks she super independent and won’t care.
Being that she will be very far away I understand part of his monetary fears. That said, he is all in for D to be there and us foot 100% of that bill.
I’m going. I just want to try to have him understand how important it is to me and hopefully my kid too.
I need to get D’s thoughts and have her voice them to him. I think she’s thinking about the monetary part too and not admitting it. They are two peas in a pod. You’d think he gave birth to her. But, this is not the time to be frugal.
I have her ear most of the day today. I hope she feels like I do or it will be a battle. But it I’m going. Even if I have to go for the jugular, I’m going.
@cardinal2020mom Even if she says she doesn’t need you there, it sounds like it is important to YOU to go and as a fellow mom, I say you have earned that.
If you can swing it financially, and your child is receptive to you going, I’d drop everything to be there. It is fun, sad, silly, and stressful all rolled up into one. And, for me, it gave me a lot of peace to see my kids’ rooms, know the layout of their dorms, and be a part of the process. Also, for some kids, the move-in can be overwhelming, and my kids loved to move their stuff in, get situated, make their beds, and then head out with the family for lunch off campus just to detox from the emotions of it all. Pragmatically, each dorm presented a new challenge that we didn’t realize beforehand regarding something they needed to make their room more organized and comfortable, so for each move-in, we needed to go to the store to pick up some sort of necessary item(s).
It was always a truly emotional day though, and very hard to drive away after we said our goodbyes. My husband always handles these things better than I do, but I know it was harder on him to say goodbye to the kids. I think he dreaded going because of this, but he went, and was glad afterward that he did.
My mom and brother and sister moved me in to college. They took me and my roommate out to lunch, helped me set up and walked around campus to help me find the buildings where my classes would be. My father refused to help. He was mad that I went away to college (first in my huge Italian family AND a girl). A bit of difference is that he also refused financial help, hoping I’d fail and come home. I turn 50 this year and he has passed away and I always remember that he was not there for me. I am so grateful that my mom came and that she did her best to support me.
I flew cross country and it helped to have my mom there. Evem with shipping stuff there will be a lot to carry on the plane and having 2 people is a plus. And I just liked having my mom get to see my room and meet my roommates. I’m sure she did too.
My dad didn’t come partly because money was an issue. He also hates flying
"My H and I are at complete odds here. He sees no reason for either one of us to go with our D to help her get settled at school. Am I wrong?? Even if she was going 20 minutes away I’d want to be there. I’m really annoyed. Please give me some ammo. "
- Your H. is wrong. We both went and I believe that we were there for more than just one weekend. Our D. was about 3.5 hours away. In addition to providing help, how is it going to work logistically? The freshmen are not allowed to have a car on campus, they do not have parking spots. If you do not go, how is your D’s car will get back home?
I packed D’s car up to the point that we could not open the doors without stuff bursting our of it. When we unloaded the car onto the grass in front of the building, we could not believe that it all actually fit in D’s relatively large crossover. We also had to carry everything to the second floor. Many items / boxes required at least 2 people to carry them. There is no way D. would be able to accomplish the move without our help. We worked for several hours in her room that she shared with the roommate, organizing D’s belongings. Then we took her car home. The fun memories of this day will stay with us forever.
Yes, there was a large crown of parents there, most kids had both parents helping them. I do not remember any kid, including very strong looking guys who were doing it alone.
There is no way I would have missed that moment - to me it was even more meaningful than her HS Graduation, being there to see her transition to the next phase of her life.
I’m also a a pretty independent kid who’s going across the country to attend Stanford in the fall (maybe I’ll meet your daughter!) and I’d be pretty sad if neither of my parents came to help me move in. Also, it would be quite difficult logistically.
@cardinal2020mom Ok, I understand that your husband and your daughter are frugal and very rational, and you are very emotional.
I am also very emotional, and I am happily married to a very frugal, rational man.
You don’t have to convince him that he’s wrong. That will never work. My suggestion to you would be to set aside the anger (because it doesn’t work with rational people) and explain to him that you want to go with your daughter because YOU need it. Not because your daughter needs it or because you think he’s being unsupportive.
It’s because YOU need it. And that’s 100% ok.
You’re not doing it for logical or practical reasons. You’re doing it because you need to say goodbye to your daughter in person at her school. Tell him it’s not about practicality, it’s not about what the daughter needs, it’s what YOU need.
You need to play your strong cards, not try and convince him that he’s wrong. Don’t get mad at him for not wanting to go-that’s his thing.
Don’t poison your daughter into thinking her dad isn’t being supportive by not going. He is being supportive by expressing that his daughter is competent enough to fly all the way across the country by herself. Her dad thinks she can do that-that’s pretty awesome.
You need to re-frame this entire thing. If you show him that you need this to be happy, most husbands want to make their wives happy. That’s how you want to roll with this, imo.
Say "I appreciate how much you believe in our daughter’s independence and strength that you can let her go by herself. I need to be able to move her in and say goodbye to her, and I need you to be supportive of my choice as I am supportive of yours. And our daughter needs to see that we are both supporting her in our own ways, and both ways are good. "
If you can afford it, go. For you. For your daughter. You will never regret that decision. It is a meaningful rite of passage…go if you can.
@MotherOfDragons, you hit the nail on the head. Funny thing is, I was just composing my thoughts on paper and was writing down similar ideas to your.
I would address the “cost prohibitive” stance directly. Part of the experience and expense is the “launch.” Without a good launch, it is hard to tell how your daughter will “settle in” at Stanford. Given the costs of traveling across country, the costs of attending Stanford, the cost of all these applications, it would not make financial sense to trust her first move to chance. Its like giving a kid a key to a porsche on their first drive after getting a license. Sure, she can probably do it. But why take that risk now? Invest the money on the first trip and then you might not have to make any extra trips along her educational journey.
My parents did not come with me when I traveled across the country for college. But now that it is my daughter’s turn this Fall, my wife, her sister and I are all going.
If your D’s going to Stanford, then your husband should know that the Bed, Bath & Beyond is a hike from campus. Your D is too young to rent a car, so it will be helpful for you to be there to acquire a rental so you can help her pick up her stuff there, and buy other miscellaneous items from Target or wherever.