I was blindsided by my son’s school today. A few girls complained he was in appropriately touching them and he received a 5 day out of school suspension. My son denies the more serious parts of the allegations but admits to friendly playing around with them like grabbing their arms or hands. We are not taking this lightly but he is a socially immature 15 y/o and this is a new school he just started and I don’t think he at all realized he was doing anything inappropriate. We are taking steps with him to ensure nothing like this happens again.
I am afraid how all this will impact his future. The school director told me this would not “leave the school” but I have concerns about when he will need to apply for college. Should we fight the suspension? I think the school counselor decided he was guilty without really listening to his side of the story and the most serious allegations were he “groped” someone from behind and licked someone’s hand both of which he adamantly denies doing.
With all due respect, those “few girls” are also immature 15 year olds. This is a big deal. And if you say you “don’t think he at all realized he was doing anything inappropriate”-- they it sounds like it was indeed inappropriate, whether or not he realized it.
I think the first thing is getting your son the help he needs to realize the difference between horsing around in the halls and touching young girls in an inappropriate manner. Immaturity is no excuse. Your sons school is full of socially immature 15 year olds, yet few are suspended for 5 days.
That same offense from a socially immature 18 year old could mean jail time.
I would speak to the director of guidance. If you get your son to ongoing counseling, and there are no further incidents between now and graduation, could the offense possibly be plea bargained down to something less concerning?
I think you need to get to the bottom of this, pronto. Find out exactly what your son is accused of doing, how many accusers there are, how many incidents, whether there were witnesses, etc. Then ask your son exactly what happened. This is serious. He will have to report this on college apps. I would be up at the school today asking these questions.
First step, meet with the guidance counselor, and find out the specifics of the allegations. There is always a way to appeal a suspension, and you should consider starting that process immediately. I say consider, because you need to weigh what will happen depending on the outcome of an appeal. As the mother of 3 girls (now 15,19 and 22), I disagree with bjkmom. Yes, the few girls are likely immature 15 year olds too, and they are just as likely to not understand what is an isn’t appropriate, and how to respond. If he was doing something that bothered them, they should have first asked him to stop, and let him know what was inappropriate.
As for this “not going beyond the school,” that might mean they are not planning to include the suspension on his official record - which is why I would ask for details about the appeal process before proceeding. If he appeals and loses, it might then have to go on the permanent record. The next question to ask, though is what happens if future accusations are made. Are they more likely to believe other accusations because of this? While I am opposed to victim blaming and shaming, you need to find out about these girls too. Did they play along, and then set him up? Is this a game to them? Is the school suspending him to appease their parents and make this all go away, knowing that nothing really happened? (Again, I say this as a mother of 3 girls - I know some of their classmates were fully capable of doing something like this, because I’ve seen it in action).
Find out exactly what will go into your son’s record, and what will be shared with colleges. And also find out why you were not notified and given the option to sit in while the counselor spoke with him.
We were there and asked them. Basically the counselor said it started by him talking to them and then he was trying to grab their hands or arms and one girl said he “groped her” and “licked her hand”. He denies touching anyone on the genitals or buttocks or licking anyone and states he wasn’t trying to do anything like that. I think he thought he was being friendly and flirtatious. This is a very socially liberal school he is now attending and previously he was at the public high school and I think he was acting the same way the kids at the old school were acting but the reaction at this school was very different. He has never been accused of anything like this before and is a dancer and is constantly around girls (few boys dance).
I’m not trying to minimize it but I don’t think the response to what he did should result in a 5 day suspension when neither he nor his parents were given any indication anything was wrong. They are also basically taking the girls’ words over his. He had no opportunity to correct how he was acting and was just suspended. We also had very little say in the process other than we were able to reduce it to a 3 day suspension. I have talked to the director who said she will talk to the classroom teachers where the incidents supposedly occurred and see what else she can find out. He is also going to see a counselor this week. I am worried about the college application process. Does he need to report it if the school removes it from his record?
If it’s not in his record, it didn’t happen. I suspect if they’re willing to keep it off the record, then there are doubts about what really happened. Is this a private school? Are the families of the girls big donors, by chance? This really sounds like it was done to appease someone. If your son is removed for a few days, it’s obvious there was a punishment, and the parents of the girls have no right to know whether it appears on his permanent record, thanks to FERPA.
It’s a charter school. I’m asking the Director how to appeal the suspension. My kid has never been in trouble before and now he’s also being harassed and threatened on social media. One student threatened to “beat his ass” when he comes back to school. I sent a screenshot of that to the school.
The counselor was extremely unhelpful and seemed like she only wanted to hear one side of the story. The Director was more empathetic and willing to work with us. Should I go to the police regarding the physical threats or see what the school does? I’m also considering home schooling just to keep him safe.
Are there, by any chance, cameras in the hallways? Ask.
And absolutely follow up on the bullying. It’s because of something that happened in school, and it’s not to be accepted. Print up another copy of the screen shot, as well as the others I suspect he has received. Make an appointment with the Director, or her boss, and get to the bottom of this.
Homeschooling won’t keep him safe from the online bullying, or the threats. See first what the Director says.
“If it’s not in his record, it didn’t happen.” This is not true.
On the Common App, there is a question which asks,
“Have you ever been found responsible for a disciplinary violation at any educational institution you have attended from the 9th grade (or the international equivalent) forward, whether related to academic misconduct or behavioral misconduct, that resulted in a disciplinary action? These actions could include, but are not limited to: probation, suspension, removal, dismissal, or expulsion from the institution.”
The student will have to answer this truthfully.
OP, you should definitely try to appeal the suspension. It doesn’t sound like your son was given a fair hearing.
Can he go back to the public he attended before? Why did he leave? The kids at the charter will apparently bully him over this incident, which has been validated by the school’s suspension. At this point truth barely matters, socially. It will fade in time, but teenagers’ perception of time is different from adults’.
If he stays, make sure he has counseling. This kind of situation causes emotional harm and even risk for self-harm for some.
I personally would hire a lawyer, at least for one session, to discuss this. It is very possible that if the suspension is informal so to speak, and not on the record, that he is not obligated legally (or morally) to answer yes on the common app question. I know one of my son’s friends was suspended for painting a theater room (innocent mistake actually) and did not report it on the common app because the school kept it off the record.
The trend for a few decades has been toward supporting females in this kind of situation. (Think about the Cosby case and how women were treated.) Young men can sometimes get caught up in penalties that seem unfair, particularly for someone who is immature. However, clearly your son did do something that bothered peers, and hopefully he has learned a lesson in terms of self-protection.
I do wonder why the incident was reported. Were your son’s actions awful enough to merit the report or is there something else going on? As a parent, I would want to know, but I wouldn’t want to rattle the school into making the suspension official. So again I suggest at least a meeting with a lawyer who is good with education as well as sexual harassment issues.
At D20’s school, such behavior is considered a “Category 1 Offense” and, yes, can result in a suspension. Category 1 offenses include behaviors such as teasing and horseplay that may or may not be considered sexual in nature (true sexual harassment would bump it up to at least a Category 2 or higher depending on the behavior). While the kids may be immature, the fact is that they are now in high school and they should know better. Surely it is reasonable to expect even a 14-year-old to keep his (or her) hands to himself (or herself). This was one of the first things my kids were taught in kindergarten.
I find it troubling that you seem more concerned about how this is going to affect his college transcript than explaining why the actions were wrong.
I’ll toss out an idea. Be clear, this idea IS NOT specific to your son. In general, if a child gets in trouble and is later questioned about it, that child often minimizes the misbehavior. It is possible this kid did more wrong than he initially admitted to.
My daughters go to private schools. Despite the cost, I felt it was important money to spend. I have been in the local public schools and seen incidents that would be actionable in a workplace or a college. An international exchange student we had was horrified by something she saw in the public HS cafeteria.
I suspect your son was caught up in a major cultural shift. Behaviors that were accepted in his old school are forbidden in his new one. Regardless of what you do with the suspension, you will need to address issues of respect for other human beings. Grabbing hands and arms, let alone licking, is threatening and hostile.
Unfortunately you will never know if there was an “embellishment” going on. But I agree with compmom and CTScout’s mom advice. It’s also a huge wake-up call for your son about what can happen these days. Personally I’d probably demand a full written record of what the allegation was, what the counselor’s response was, what the director’s response was and I’d probably have a lawyer make the request/demand because odds are there will be redactions and mis-statements. I would want this in my possession should it get nasty down the line and to hold everyone’s feet to the fire about what was said, what was reported and by whom, what decisions were made and why. Mostly I’d be concerned about the going forward part. This type of stuff can be very destructive in the high school level with kids taking sides and lots of nastiness behind the scenes over something can often be perceived as innocuous outside academia and if the school does not handle the situation well it can just make for one awful year and moreso if it’s a small school.
As far as the reporting part, I tend to side with if it’s on the record it must be reported, if it’s not on the record then to not report it but that is a highly controversial topic from the black and white folks that say to report every little thing to the gray area folks who will say report what’s on the transcript and if it makes you feel better, ask the lawyer.
In post #3, CTScoutmom said “If he was doing something that bothered them, they should have first asked him to stop, and let him know what was inappropriate.” You seem to be saying that the boy has no responsibility to understand his behavior is inappropriate or to keep his hands to himself until he has transgressed AND the girl informs him that he has transgressed. Basically, a boy gets one free grope and until the girl informs him that his behavior bothers her, he has no responsibility to treat her with respect.
Multiple girls complained about his actions. They deserve to be believed, and they are not the ones responsible for teaching him appropriate behavior.
Your kid steals a stick of gum. He gets to continue to shoplift until the store manager tells him to stop?
No.
I don’t know what went down. And I feel for the OP’s son if he truly is in over his head in terms of social norms, appropriate behaviors, “over the line” touching, etc. But it isn’t his classmates job to show him where the limits are.
First, how did you know they didn’t? Since the complaints are coming from multiple girls, I’d bet a fair amount that at least one DID tell him to stop. Did all of these events occur on the same day? Or were there several different events spread over time?
Second, why are you holding the girls to a higher standard than the boy? If a teacher saw this sort of behavior, I’d think you’d have an argument–at least if he only engaged in the behaviors he admits to. But why do the girls have to be harrassed at least twice before they can complain?
I don’t know what the OP’s son did, but he obviously did SOMETHING. Consider yourself–and your S–lucky that this happened now and that you have a chance to straighten out his behavior now.
And…I’m not sure what I’d do about keeping him in the same school, but homeschooling is NOT the answer. He has to learn how to act appropriately when interacting with his peers—not be given the message that he isn’t capable of doing that.
Finally, I’m a lawyer. This is not my area of law, but I’ve had clients who have asked for advice in similar situations. While I think it’s fine to consult with an attorney with expertise in the field, I would advise you NOT to have the attorney interact with the school. In many school districts, doing so will cause the school district to call in its own attorney and escalate the problem. The school will probably start documenting each and every little thing the OP’s son does wrong and it all will be on his record. As a parent, the impression you want to create is that you are very worried about your S’s behavior and are going to take steps to straighten it out–not that you’re going to come out with guns blazing because you’re afraid you’ll hurt your S’s college chances.
All this speculation about who did what and to what degree is EXACTLY why if I were the OP I’d want a full report in writing for my files. If you all are speculating and guessing about who did what and to what degree the kid can even function in the world appropriately, can you imagine what parents and students who catch wind of this will be like? I’d be worried about slander and defamation and protecting my kid and family from that with every bone in my body. It is nobody’s business except the kid, his parents, the school and the girls who witnessed and reported and their parents.
I think the OP can (and should) ask for a meeting with the GC and whoever else made the decision and the son to understand what happened and to let him express his version of events. I would also do this to ensure son understands the severity of his actions and why such a long suspension was issued. I would also ask that the suspension be removed/sealed from his record prior to college application assuming he never gets in trouble again so he can truthfully respond that he has not been subject to suspension.
I would not want to escalate this, unless there is significant evidence that the girls were somehow untruthful or targetting this kid and that he did not touch them. It is difficult to argue exactly where he touched them, if he admits to doing at least some of the charges. I think the school would be much more likely to be supportive of this kid if they see that the parents are taking it seriously and that the kid truly did not understand what he did was wrong. Alternatively, if it turns out he did understand this (and be prepared for some uncomfortable moments OP) that the parents will get him counseling or take other action to ensure this does not happen again. If it is his word against theirs, not sure how he can win. And I agree with Jonri, if the parents escalate this further (unless there is new evidence), the school may label him as a trouble-maker and give him a tough time for any minor infraction.
I would wait until he is apply to college to address the question of what will happen then. First, there is no way to know whether the common app question will be the same two years from now as it is now and/or whether he will apply to colleges that don’t use the common app and have a different question. Second, there is a better chance of having the high school either not report this and/or explain that it was a minor problem that was quickly resolved IF he actually behaves himself during the next 2 years.