Back in 5th grade (last week of school) my son was accused of bullying. The boy was very convincing. It revolved around sports and being hit by a ball during a dodge ball game. We had to come into the school, both parents and have a long talk with the principal, etc. It was a private school. After a long and thorough investigation and threats by the other parent that our child be expelled and a lawyer would be called etc. it turned out it was the other boy bullying multiple kids. The school realized after looking at film etc that our son had done nothing wrong and was blameless. We were told that the other child’s parents were not accepting the decision and could cause trouble but the school would stand by our son. He was scared to go back the next year. Turns out the other student did not come back. Two years later he returned to school and father came and talked to us. The parents were getting a divorce at the time and the child was acting out but they were so tied up in other things they didn’t see it. They apologized to us. Luckily the kids saw that it was the other kid’s problem not my son’s from the start.
I tell this story to show that things are not always as they first seem. Make sure they did investigate thoroughly. Kids can and do set other kids up sometimes. Not that they did in this instance but as a parent I would always want the entire story to be known either so I could get my child help or so the school understands.
There was a boy in my kid’s school who did this in 9th grade and I believe basically the same thing happened to him – suspended but not on his record. The family didn’t escalate it and he apologized to the girl. He kept his nose clean for the next few years and went on to a very good college, so I really don’t think he had to disclose anything.
Do you have a copy of the school’s handbook that describes the school’s policies and procedures? If not, get a copy (often found on the school website). Determine:
Exact wording of the Code of Conduct. What exactly constitutes “Inappropriate Touching” (or whatever the exact phrase the school used)?
What disciplinary process does the school use?
What are the methods of appeal?
This will give you important information about whether the school followed its own rules and processes, which could be very important for the purposes of an appeal. Know this handbook inside and out before taking your next step with the school.
This will also give you guidance on what the school is required to do with the threats your son is receiving. And finally, if the school doesn’t have a handbook readily available, isn’t following its own policies or there are other discrepancies, that’s something that needs to be addressed immediately - it’s not reasonable for the school to not make the rules and procedures available but then expect students and parents to follow them.
Your son is new to the school, so he’s only known these girls for 4 or 5 weeks. If you believe he thinks grabbing the arms and hands of girls he doesn’t know is being “friendly and flirtatious,” you need to have a serious chat with him.
I’m not sure what you mean by the new school being “socially liberal” or what that has to do with the reaction he got. You mention that you think he may have been “acting the way the kids at the old school were acting.” Has this issue come up before?
Assuming there are at least 3 accusers, as I understood your story, I think you have an uphill battle in trying to prove your son is innocent. In the long run, the effect on college admissions is going to be a lot more important than whether or not he misses 5 days of school.
We as parents are taking this all very seriously and my son has an appointment to see a Counselor today. He has NEVER had any complaints filed against him and again is a dancer and has been around mostly girls dancing for years and there have not been any incidents. He knows we would not condone such behavior.
He does have trouble making friends and has been teased by other boys in the past for being a dancer so I think he feels more comfortable being around girls. I think he feels pressure to have a girlfriend and thought the girls were reciprocating his feelings. He does remember one saying “stop” while she was laughing and then after she said it she poked him in the side and they kept joking around and touching him as well. He does not ever remember anyone acting uncomfortable with what he was doing and did not touch anyone’s private areas.
We are not having him return to the school for now. We feel the guidance counselor handled this very poorly. She said one girl complained about him a couple weeks ago and she told the girl to talk directly to my son and handle this between the two of them. If his actions were so serious then why was no action taken at that time and why were we not called?Then last week there were 2 more complaints and she escalated things to suspending him after having a brief conversation with him. He was crying and upset and only the two of them were present during this meeting so who knows what was really said. The counselor says he “admitted to doing it” but my son says he denied the more serious allegations of touching private parts.
Our issue with the school is how this was handled. Neither my son or his parents were given any indication of a problem until she decided to suspend him after this brief talk with him. There was no other investigation. Counselor just decided he was guilty. This of course spread amongst the student body who is 80% female and they have banded together against him. Now supposedly 9 more girls have filed complaints. The Director agrees with us that the timing of these additional complaints is very suspicious and although she will review them she does has doubts since it is obvious the kids have decided to gang up against my son.
We are going to meet with a lawyer so we have someone to help us if needed.
Are you saying you don’t believe the counselor who said he admitted it, the first girl who complained, the second two girls, and now 9 more girls?
This would be a misdemeanor if he were over 18. IDK how it works for juveniles. But a 5 day suspension that doesn’t go on his permanent record seems reasonable to me, and I wouldn’t try to escalate it in that way, especially if you are ever planning on sending him back to the school. I’d focus on the social media threats.
So there was a complaint 2 weeks ago, followed by 2 more complaints, followed by the last straw? Is that right?
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She said one girl complained about him a couple weeks ago<<
<<Then last week there were 2 more complaints<<
And then the thing that got to the suspension?
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You might be right about the school’s handling of this, because if this was my DD who had made so many complaints before action was taken you can be assured that this would be a big issue. I am sure it is easy to think that there is some petty vindictive other kid (and her 8 friends) in this scenario, but what if it wasn’t?
No the initial complaint which apparently the counselor thought the girl should handle on her own and did not discuss with anyone else and then the subsequent complaints last week which led to the suspension. Now the news has spread around the school and the kids are labeling him a “rapist” and there is a lot of hate speech against him on social media. This is a huge drama at the school apparently and now 9 more girls have supposedly made complaints. I would not minimize this but the timing is highly suspicious which was admitted even by the Director.
“Why does it take that many women to pay attention?” asked Carine Mardorossian, author of Framing the Rape Victim: Gender and Agency Reconsidered. “That, too, is a form of silencing. … This is beyond the Weinstein example. It’s happened with every case we’ve been dealing with. Think about Cosby — 60 women!”
For years women made allegations of sexual assault against Bill Cosby, but the public turned away until at least 60 women publicly claimed Cosby drugged and/or sexually assaulted them. His sexual assault trial in June ended in a mistrial.
“No other crime necessitates that burden of evidence,” Mardorossian said. “No other crime necessitates a group coming forward before allegations are taken seriously. And it’s a double-edged sword, because the moment you have a slew of accusers it’s cast as a witch hunt. Either it’s de-legitimized because it’s one person, or it’s de-legitimized because it’s many women.”
@mamalion Yes but a 15 year old boy being labeled by others on social media as a rapist? That doesn’t seem plausible or true under the circumstances - at least not to me. I hate social media for this reason… it making something much more than it likely is.
I have a daughter and sons so I can see both sides. If it were my daughter who went to the admin for a harassment event and it wasn’t handled by the book, I would be upset. Think if the courage it took to report something - I don’t think it is done lightly or for kicks and giggles. I feel bad for your son though for being on the receiving end of such blown up bullying. That’s as bad or worse than whatever he’s accused of. This school no longer sounds like a good fit for him socially. He’ll always have this stigma because kids are cruel. I wish you all the best but hope you don’t send him back there.
@volleymom7 I am glad you’ve decided to see an attorney and hope (s)he can help you and your son. I also hope that the counselor your S is seeing will be able to help him.
Just a suggestion–around your S do not harp on the fact that you think the counselor acted unfairly and/or that you think the new complaints are bogus or even that that you think the social media posts are outrageous (even though if they are as you’ve stated, they are.) The important thing now is to get your S to recognize that his actions were wrong and take responsibility for them.
I am NOT saying that the other issues are unimportant–they are also important. But, if you want your S to change, he has to admit that what he did was wrong. And, IMO, that’s the MOST important thing here.
OP, you should focus on what your ultimate objective is and make decisions with that specific goal in mind. Accusations against our children are highly charged and we take them personally. That often leads to an escalation of a situation that could otherwise be successfully resolved through other means.
Seems to me you are most concerned about what this suspension will mean for him going forward, especially with regard to disclosure on college apps. If your goal is to have your 15 year old S learn from this situation without it impacting his ability to further his education, then my advice would be to schedule another meeting with the director of the school. The director who has already told you “it wouldn’t go beyond the school.”
You should discuss the concerns you have and see what accommodation as far as transcript notation that she would be willing to make. Given the statement that she made to you she is either willing to not note the suspension on the transcript at all or reclassify it as something else. Depending on the outcome of this discussion you will have a better idea of how you want to proceed.
Respectfully, @HarvestMoon1 , I think all bets are off now that there are an additional 9 complaints. I do not see the director’s “promise” as to what would happen based on the 3 complaints she knew about as a promise that she wouldn’t note any additional complaints on his transcript.
“That’s as bad or worse than whatever he’s accused of.”
Honestly? I was an early bloomer, and I had my boobs squeezed and my bra unhooked more times than I could count. NO ONE cared back then and I’ve often wondered why school children (yes, I knew boys who were sexually harassed by other boys, too) didn’t have the same rights as your random person on the street.
I don’t know what this kid did or didn’t do, and that bullying seems OTT and needs to be addressed, but don’t minimize forcible touching.
@toomanyteens I did not mean my post to be address to the boy, and I am sorry if people read it that way. As I wrote up the thread, I think the boy was caught up in a shift in cultures. Some schools allow a fair amount of touching; others forbid unwanted touching. This would be hard for a 15 year old to navigate.
I was responding to the posters who refuse to believe the girls. In too many threads about sexual harassment, posters refuse to believe it is an issue.
A new poster comes in and asks a question about a boy dancer, in HS, who wants to have a girlfriend, is accused by 1, then 3, then 9 female students, of harassment. The parents are not notified immediately on the first accusation, nor the second and third, and the accused student is interrogated and action taken without parents notified nor present. In today’s world, schools know better. School Counselor and Director have undoubtedly all been through mandatory reporting classes.
Another student threatens, on social media, to “beat his -ss”, and is not suspended.
If this is real, get your son some professional help. I would not be worried about college at all right now, I’d be more worried about his mental health for the next hours/days/weeks/months.