<p>Wish DS would talk more now that he is home for Thanksgiving. He seems content, likes his school, is getting good reports. So I do count my blessings. He is cordial, courteous, respectful, and has even cooked me breakfast. He is loving to his little sister. He hugs me occasionally.</p>
<p>Yet except for a few brief moments when he says a few sentences about what is going on in his life, I feel as if I am paying by the word! Questions are guaranteed to elicit the briefest of answers, though he is never rude. If someone else doesn't talk, there is silence. He gulps his meals and is out of there as soon as possible. I have debated making him sit there longer, but I am not sure this is a battle worth fighting. DH says it is just the way boys are...that many boys just don't have a lot to say to parents. It all feels so awkward. Yes, this is my first teen.</p>
<p>Now, I am sure there are talkative boys and silent girls, but as the mom of a more silent boy, I guess I just wanted to check in here for a little reality check. How are you all doing with your sons, especially the ones more reserved about sharing their lives?</p>
<p>And no, can't say he is any different with us when he is at school. There, I've learned no news is good news, but at home, I guess I am wishing for a little more.</p>
<p>Has he been that way before he went to BS? He may be finding it difficult to make friends as there are cliques at BS, so there is not a lot to talk about. They can also be quiet if BS is not as fabulous as they thought it would be.</p>
<p>I’d say he was never one to talk my ear off, but since puberty, has become more guarded about sharing what is really in his heart. He seems to have emerged from the moodiness of early puberty, though, and so is much more pleasant to be around now. </p>
<p>Boarding school is not the problem. He really does love it. From pictures and posts on Facebook, it is clear that his social life is thriving. It all jibes with what the adults are saying at the school, and what little DS shares with us.</p>
<p>I had to chuckle reading this. I’m the inquisitor parent and my wife is the quiet one. She always gets more info from my son who willingly volunteers it, while it’s like pulling teeth for me!! Don’t know your family dynamic, but that’s ours. :)</p>
<p>PelicanChild is on his own schedule, which includes staying up well beyond our bedtime, and not emerging until afternoon (have yet to see him today). He is more free with talking about his teachers, what’s going on in different courses, what he’ll take next year, the ECs he’s involved with, etc. But he’s always been a chatterbox. Mom still gets the inside info as she’s the one he goes to to negotiate for things he wants and needs. </p>
<p>One thing all this makes me reflect on…good to look at what a BS’ schedule is like–terms with exams before Thanksgiving, or semesters with exams in December (and possibly papers and other research over Thanksgiving). In my day Thanksgiving break was not that enjoyable–I usually had a lot of work hanging over me. I like it that PelicanChild is truly on break, unwinding, and goes back to a fresh start for this short window between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. Are all schools like this now?</p>
<p>Try going on a walk with him, or talking with him while you both wash dishes (or clean out the garage, etc.). I once heard a psychologist opine that boys speak more when the conversation isn’t the center of everyone’s attention. In other words, perhaps he gets quiet when everyone’s eyes are on him. Talking while moving, or doing something else, can also work.</p>
<p>ThatcherP and PelicanD, you bring up good points. Yes, DH does get more info from DS, probably partly because he is more laid back and is fine if DS doesn’t choose to talk…so the pressure is off both of them. It is a good lesson to learn and remember. The other part of it is that, indeed, DH is the one DS goes to most often when he wants something, so that probably is a factor, too. </p>
<p>The BS schedule is another important point. In DS’ case, there was a heavy push of work just before Thanksgiving, and DS knows the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas will be even more intense. </p>
<p>Have to remember these kids, though they look so much older than they did as little kids, are still ‘half baked’ and are not adults. I guess I need to recalibrate expectations.</p>
<p>Periwinkle, good idea. I’ve had more luck this week when the focus wasn’t expected ‘conversaton on demand’ like around the dinner table, but more off the cuff - him showing me how to do something, or me showing him something, or just focusing on something - anything - besides him per se.</p>
<p>My S is not in BS but he does not say one word more than a situation requires. WIth his parents of course. We witnessed him talking to his uncle at Thanksgiving, but to us? Nothing. And his one word answers “force” me to keep asking questions!</p>
<p>S: I’m going out
Me; Where?
S: Birthday party
Me: Whose birthday?</p>
<p>He could have just said, ‘Mom I’m going to XX’s birthday party’ and not felt I was giving him the third degree!</p>
<p>If you could find one of his friends to sit next to him in the backseat of the family car…
Drive them anywhere, such as a movie theater half an hour from your house. Don’t talk, just listen.</p>
<p>Ah yes, surfcity, the pingpong conversation, or hot potato conversation. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?</p>
<p>I really do think this is a parental thing with some boys. I’ve been told DS is a wonderful conversationalist with other adults. Sigh. Perhaps it has something to do with their need to feel independent of parents and hold us a bit at a distance until they are more sure of their fledgling wings.</p>
<p>It’s not just sons! My D has been less than talkative during “family” times this weekend, although once we get her going she’s full of funny stories about her teachers, etc. She and I went on some errands today and when I got her to myself she was a lot more forthcoming.</p>
<p>I have a DS who’s almost 12 and he talks when the mood strikes but not when we’re all sitting down together over a meals or something. He and I take the bus together in the mornings and that’s usually our best talking time.</p>
<p>My D’s school finishes the term before Thanksgiving and she got her fall grades on Wednesday. If she had schoolwork this week we would have seen a lot less of her than we have.</p>
<p>I wonder if my son sees this thread he will recognize himself? :)</p>
<p>Well, I’m completely “out”. DS helped me pick my handle back in the day and hates any discussion of topics on this board as he sees no reality here and does not understand why I can’t just get a life. Once, during a dorm conversation, he mentioned that his mom posts on CC as “ChoatieMom” and a couple of the kids said, “YOUR mom is ChoatieMom???” Threw him into a tizzy from which he has never recovered. It DOES make it hard for me to say some of the things I’d like to say as many adults on campus know my handle as well, but they also know me as myself in the Choate Parent Cafe, so I have to watch what I say and try to stick to truth and reality. Takes a lot of the fun out of being here–but it DOES spark some “chattiness” with DS. ;)</p>
<p>Might be an interesting thread topic, “Does your DC know who you are on CC?”</p>
<p>For parents of tight lipped first year students, I have co-opt the phrase “It gets better.”</p>
<p>My daughter was TERRIBLE about communication while at school and when home on break last year and is so much better about things now. Hang in there.</p>
<p>ChoatieMom, I beseech thee, get thy another handle (1kidmomnoanswers? LOL) and lmk what you choose in your ‘reincarnation’. My DS has never been on CC…I doubt he knows it exists…and if he did, he would not only be speechless by its contents, but mortified I am here. Be anonymous and set yourself free! We parents need our place to vent.</p>
<p>I’ve already changed my name once since my DS ‘outed’ me the 1st time…it didn’t help. He could still tell it was me. I’ve toyed with changing it yet another time, and then trying to be extra obscure in my references to…well just about everything. But what fun would that be? Also, to PM one now has to have 15 posts, so one would lose PMing status.</p>