<p>My daughter has come home for the Thanksgiving break. It's the first time we've seen her since August. She has gained at least 15 pounds and seems depressed. Seems she got bad counsel from her freshman advisor and has been put into courses that in some cases were too advanced for her, and she is doing very poorly in 2 out of her 4 courses, due to D's on mid terms. She's not liking school very much, but of course can't even think of transferring, the highest she could probably bring up those grades would be in the C range. My husband and I have tried to troubleshoot with her about specific issues, but she has an excuse for everything we say. Like, why are you eating so unhealthfully--the dining hall food is disgusting so all I'm eating are peanut butter sandwiches and desserts, that kind of thing. It 's worrisome because although she would go up and down a bit, she's basically always been slim and up until recently somewhat athletic. She started off working out at the gym, but now says it takes too long to walk there, work out, shower etc. I fear she's spending way too much time in her room, although one bright spot is she gets along very well with her roommate. She's going back Saturday for three weeks and then will be home for almost a month. We don't have that much opportunity to talk to her alone as we have relatives staying with us and there's a lot going on. I broached the idea of seeing a therapist when she comes back and at least she didn't shut me down. She won't go to the counseling center at her school because she's heard it's "useless." This is a kid who graduated from a very highly competitive HS and did very well, although she didn't end up going to one of her top choice colleges. If anyone has any advice I would be very appreciative. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving to all.</p>
<p>HSN - I am sorry to hear about your daughter's unhappiness at school. I sent you a PM.</p>
<p>Lay off the 15 lb thing, at least publically (outloud). It may be symptomatic of something greater but you mentioning it now ain't gonna help. I'd concentrate on the studies part. It seems she can benefit from a refresher course on "utilizing all modalities" on campus. Writing center, prof's hours, study groups, everything - all the time. Don't be assuming a C is the limit. I was in worse shape than that almost every semester in college ;). Some courses rely heavily on the final , especially if it is cumulative. Also it's important to know how her grades fit in the overall distribution. If she doesn't know , then assume the best (I can pull it up), not the worst (I am doomed to fast food and hospitality). </p>
<p>Leave the weight and maybe the social issues alone right now and get her to focus on this next 3 weeks. She can do this. Have faith in her and she will have faith in herself. Join her in a rendition of Chicken Little and the sky will surely fall. Work on the other things over the winter break when there is more time and less grade pressure. Good luck.</p>
<p>Agree with curm. Good for your D that she is telling you exactly how things stand, and also good that it sounds like you haven't overreacted, "gone off" or otherwise scared her into silence! Helping your D feel like "we're in this together and what is the next positive step?" is going to feel much better than trying to deconstruct the last 10 weeks.</p>
<p>I agree. No discussions on the weight gain. That will only make her feel worse, and make her either cry or become belligerent. You can have talks on nutrition and healthy choices in December.</p>
<p>Is she going to office hours for help? Does the class have a T.A.? Does the school offer remedial help. Many schools have academic centers that offer one-on-one teaching, especially for Calculus and such, for $10 an hour, which is worth it. She has 3 weeks left of school, and finals, and should focus on making use of every resource available.</p>
<p>Does she do group h.w. or study with other students in the class? That can also be helpful. She needs to get out of the room, as that can create a gloomy aura, and make her feel worse than ever.</p>
<p>Its not so bad. I always tell my kids, a "C" is not the end of the world. Its only one class (or 2 as the case may be). As long as they are putting forth their best effort, they should never be made to feel that anyone is disappointed in them.</p>
<p>Good luck. Try and enjoy the weekend and your daughters visit.</p>
<p>I'll add to the other posters a reminder that she will get to pick her courses from now on, getting the advice of other students. She'll also have a chance to be selective about times, and possibly could arrange gym time inbetween. If not, she has the month at home to regroup. I'd definitely make light of the weight gain; she doesn't need any more discouragement.</p>
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<p>Shoot. I'll gain 15 pounds today. Probably before half-time in the Cowboys game.</p>
<p>The "Freshman 15" is a very common thing amongst college freshmen. In fact, it is rare for students NOT to gain weight their freshman year of college. I was actually concerned that my daughter did not gain weight...no junk food, no late night snacks...what??? I agree, the weight issue should not be THE issue.</p>
<p>Re: grades and classes. Students often have a time adjusting the rigors and self discipline that college requires. Many students have difficulty with their first term classes...budgeting time, studying when necessary, asking and seeking help in a timely fashion, knowing HOW to study for college exams, knowing when to go to the prof, knowing when to go to the study center, requesting tutorial help, etc. I think the thing to do is to help your daughter look forward. Her courses for next term should be ones that are needed, but should be choices that are ones that she will like, and likely do well in. She needs a boost, and if she can bounce back from this grade thing, she'll feel better.</p>
<p>absolutely...self management is a skill set which has to totally reemerge in the school of hard knocks in college after successful high school years conclude, including diet and exercise routines..she may have had normal sense of being swamped by too many adjustment/demands/social stimulations at once. </p>
<p>I gained 15 my freshman year and didn't even know it till June..my son gained 10, got mono, stayed up too late and socialized too much, quit sleeping on a normal schedule, and then could not quite get the studying done right after the mono, dropped a course to save his @@ (there are withdrawal options that are there for good reasons for all students, although not limitless--can be considered and can be strategically useful when there are maturity lags or other health issues..he sucked it up and went to an Academic Dean). He returned sophomore year with a different attitude, stuck to a 1am bedtime, three squares on time a day for brain food and to stay alert and able to study well, got his body clock back, worked out a few times a week, dropped the baby/beer/stay up all night on Facebook freshman 10 pounds and now treats his studies with the proper amount of fear..like a 9-5 job he must perform or end up with bad grades. It was also an adjustment to him to realize his only chances re grades were on huge cummulative final and midterm exams..and he had to be in fairly Olympic ready health to do well on them...so different than high school where he got 25% of his grades for doing his homework and showing up. Now he is also taking classes based on the study groups he knows who will be in his sections..as they are making the difference in his comprehension and readiness...Also..he never ever misses a class and shows up for every lecture..he figured out that this is necesarry for him..but freshman year thought he could just review on his own and "get it."</p>
<p>Help her see the Long View and gain more sleep routines, study group plans, and to even confer with an Academic dean or advisor if she is scared of her finals..so many many kids stumble a bit freshman year...this is a normal challenge for her...I doubt the counselors are a waste of time but don't doubt she has been told this...however, they are very experienced with kids with grade issues and kids who are feeling stuck...
don't let her catastrophize her Cs is my best advice..but help her get realistic about those final exams and use a day to study at home this weekend...and point her to the free pages online about note taking skills and study skills...most colleges post them in great detail...I recall Dartmouths was particurly good....</p>
<p>first semester freshman year is notoriously known for getting 'bad' classes. You're at the bottom of the heap, and many times will not get your first choice of classes... which means you may have to pick classes that aren't your best fit. Perhaps this freshman advisor knew the classes your daughter really would be the best fit were already full and encouraged her to make second choices, which she ended up in. They are hardly ever during the times a freshman wants, are spread out, or are all together in one big lump. You don't have the benefit of knowing which professors to avoid, etc. I would also highly encourage her to ask around about how curves are used in these two courses. It may be the prof doesn't curve until after the final exam, and she could very well end up with a solid B. They often look for an upward trend.</p>
<p>Getting to the weight issue - I would completely back off, until she initiates the conversation with you, and ASKS you for advice. If she doesn't ask for advice, just LISTEN reflectively, and allow her to vent. I think to presume that all kids are going to gain weight freshman year is pessimistic. Most kids, except those who were extremely active in high school as athletes, will be walking more than they ever have, getting more exercise than they did in high school, especially when it gets cold and they're walking at a quick pace. It takes a while to learn to navigate all the ways a student can eat on a campus, and it may involve a combination of some shopping for stuff for the room, and eating in the school's provided places. My daughters have used a combination of resources to eat in the way they find best fits them. But it takes time.</p>
<p>Judging from other posts, it sounds like she is at Kenyon.
Schools like these, profs. normally welcome meeting one-on-one with students about improving their performance in class and tend to want to be supportive. That's what comes with the freight at schools like elite LACs.
Many more students than get discussed are depressed freshman year, and more females than males, for some reason. I have no data on that one. Just one person's impressions.
I think it is likely that she will work through this one. Painful in the meantime, I know.</p>
<p>Agree with other posters about weight. My D's college even warned them about the Freshmen 15. She also grumbles about caf. food & says she eats cereal for most meals, "the chicken is not really chicken", etc. Mine also tries to go to the gym but says there are usually a bunch of guys & she doesn't feel comfortable working out in front of them. Her weight has fluctuated some but she has actually lost. We talked about some issues after a few phone calls where she would start crying from the stress. I suggested, since she ran in the past, to walk or run in the afternoons or evenings to help clear her head. It took care of the stress & in turn has helped her keep her weight down. I also suggested she speak to someone in the counseling center. She really likes the lady in charge but I think it is a "privacy" thing to her as a perfectionist. Most of my D's profs. require them to take papers by the writing center & have recorded they did. Don't know what college, but most profs. are wanting students to come by & seek help. When my D had a "C" on a test, she talked to the prof. & he let her do extra credit to bring it up to a "B". I would suggest be supportive, listen, have her talk through what she sees as her options are to make changes so she will feel better. I'm sure all that is going on overlaps. Sometimes just talking & having someone listen without judging, as well as writing down options helps. Encourage her, praise her for who she is now, not compare her to who she was or should be. Had to learn that the hard way myself. Also, as it was already said, midterms give an idea of where she needs to go from here. There is time to pull up the grades. Wishing you the best. Your D sounds like she is going through what the majority of freshmen go through.</p>
<p>HSN, I went through exactly what your D is going through! I gained the 15 & struggled with awful grades(and I had been at the top of my h.s. class). Obviously, I wasn't exactly thrilled with things, so I might have been "somewhat depressed." So when I give you advice, it's based on experience. And my advice is ... leave it alone!! She will figure it all out. </p>
<p>If it makes you feel any better, I lost 3 dress sizes & made Dean's List my first semester sophomore year. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time to adjust to college. </p>
<p>It doesn't sound like SHE is feeling like things are all that awful. She likes her roommate, so I am guessing she has a decent social life. She just needs to figure out how to balance her life. Give her the time and space she needs. She will be okay.</p>
<p>I don't know if anybody has mentioned this, but I'd have a talk with her about what she spends her spare time doing. I find that 90% of the time bad grades as a freshmen = too much partying/drinking/poor time management. I bet she's not in over her head academically.</p>
<p>I know it's something ALL parents want to deny, but many kids need help with that early adjustment to college where most likely there are many more temptations than they saw in high school.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>College is so different form HS. We have been talking to DD about those differences since she was struggling with one class. Professors have office hours so they expect you to come for help. You do not have to wait for the next class. Study groups are expected. There are help areas everywhere from writing center to student advisers. In HS she was very self sufficient. We had to talk through that is was not failure to ask for help.</p>
<p>Bright kids who have never had to struggle with academics frequently hit a "brick wall" when they go to college and take a course they find difficult. It's a situation they've never faced and really don't know how to go about working through it. They've always been top of their class, and now they are with others who are just as bright as they are. </p>
<p>I was one of those kids. When I got my first C in Chemistry for engineers I cried for weeks then changed my major the following semester (not the best plan, but it worked out OK) Don't forget, that C was on a curve so it was really a D. </p>
<p>My middle son has a learning disability and I have always contended that he will end up being sucessful in college because he's done nothing but work his way around brick walls. I always wondered what would happen when my older one went to school and faced what your DD is facing. Fortunately it happened his senior year in HS. He announced 6 weeks into the quarter that he was "failing" AP calculus and needed a tutor. As I frantically searched for a tutor he began going to extra help (something he never even knew existed) Three weeks later I was still in a panic but he told me he was fine. He ended up with a B+ for the quarter. Hopefully he now knows how to handle that brick wall. </p>
<p>I'm guessing that your DD has never had to face academic difficulty. I agree with the other posters. Be supportive and suggest she seek out extra help. She can turn this into a positive learning experience that will help her in the future. </p>
<p>It's awful starting your first semester with a not so stellar GPA, but she has 7 more semesters to bring it up. Remind her that she will be selecting her courses for next semester. Discuss the possibility of only taking 12 credits until she feels comfortble about handling more. Most importantly, lay off the weight issue. It's just one more thing she's probably already depressed about.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your posts. It has helped more than you know. My daughter and I have had some good talks. And, as you had counseled, I knew enough to stay away from the weight issues and just focus on the academic issues. And yes, she does like her roommate but has quickly found out she hates the party scene so part of the problem is that her social life is actually too small, not too big. And she is talking to her professors, but, frankly, some have not been very helpful. But finally, this is up to her and unless she is really in trouble I feel that my job right now is to listen, to support and gently suggest options. She has three weeks to improve things (not "fix" them in this short a time necessarily) and I'm cautiously hopeful she will do that. Thanks again.</p>
<p>My daughter has also come home with the Freshman 15! I've talked about "healthy choice," getting a work-out buddy, etc. She is very short and the 15 pounds (at least!) shows. I'm hoping she'll go back to school and make better choices (although she swears she doesn't eat anything!) and then work on losing weight during winter break. </p>
<p>I feel your pain, HSN!</p>
<p>I can still remember my mother bringing up my weight at Thanksgiving after I'd been away at school. I turned right around and left. I think it's rude. We wouldn't do that to an acquaintance, and our children are adult enough at 18 to be treated with the same respect. I don't see why 15 lbs. is something that people are worrying about and already projecting onto Christmas break as a dieting time. </p>
<p>My D gained weight, I really don't know how much, as a freshman, and I said nothing. She already knew that her size 2's had become 4's. She brought it up and said, "if this is my body, this is my body. I have more important things to think about." I was proud of her; she'd been a dancer and her body image had been important, so I saw this as health.</p>
<p>Now she is a junior and weighs less than she did at the end of hs. She did not diet. She says she doesn't know how it happened. Now the 2 pants have become 0's. She does look gorgeous, not too thin, but I worried about her losing so much weight without trying. I knew this was a symptom of diabetes, liver cancer, oh, so many other things.</p>
<p>I feel confident that she's healthy, and I am very relieved. If your daughters had had an unexplained weight loss of 15 lbs. that would be much more serious.</p>
<p>Now apart from her taste for Red Engine jeans which now had to be purchased in three sizes, this is not something I concern myself with. (Red Engine jeans are expensive, but D is one of those people with a teeny, tiny waste and much larger hips, and she says they are the only ones that really fit. I'm sure this isn't true, but, sigh, she only has one pair of them at a time. Everything else has to cost less.)</p>
<p>My neice put on some wieght this year, and her rude & incredibly blunt grandmother greeted her at Thanksgiving with the following, "I see you're eating well!" I'm glad I hadn't yet arrived to hear it, or I would have thrown out a putdown to this annoying woman. Better to let it slide. While the neice joked about it later, it's pretty clear that this statement was hurtful & just drives a wedge between her and the grandmother. So unnecessary. </p>
<p>If your child has put on some pounds, I think the way to handle it is to suggest you catch up while sharing a walk or some activity. These kids are faced with such new living arrangements that their normal healthy habits can be knocked off track. It's better to jump start their healthy lifestyle than to point out the obvious weight gain. Kinder, too.</p>