Home For the Holidays--Things aren't so great

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>Oh, yes, the freshman 15...not to worry, very common. I think I ate only ice cream and peanut butter my whole first year away at school (mixed together!) </p>

<p>As for the academic issues....see if you can get your D to get tutors to help her get through the next few weeks of exams. Some schools have free peer tutors or a small fee for a graduate student tutor. My S used a tutor to get through a very rough course last year and it helped immensely.</p>

<p>I'm sure you realize what a strain the first freshman semester can be. It is a huge adjustment and each kid handles it in different ways. Sounds like your D is no different than many kids her age going through the same thing. During the xmas break you can have heart to heart talks with her and assess whether it is just adjustment or whether the school she is at is not a good fit for her. If she does decide to transfer, she should work at getting her grades up next semester to give herself more options. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>My freshman daughter has also put on some weight. She is aware of it and does not need me to harp on it. I think it is part eating junk food and part learning to balance time so she has time to schedule in exercise. Actually she said she wants a blender for Christmas so she can make healthy smoothies for when she is in a rush. I plan to buy her a smoothy recipe book and have found one that has slim and healthy recipes but don't want her to think 'oh Mom's saying I'm fat'. What to do what to do.</p>

<p>Unless she brings up the weight I would say don't make a thing about it - she is surely quite aware of it and is probably dreading you mentioning it. If she raises the subject (my daughter actually did) then maybe make suggestions. My Ds school has some leisure classes and she has signed up for one (rock climbing) thinking that way she will have something physical built in to her day.</p>

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<p>Reread OP. Midterms are often wake-up calls on the part of the prof. The final may be easier. It is important for D to approach the prof or TA or whomever is doing the grading and express her upset to the grader; she should make it clear that she is not a slacker, cares deeply about her grades and is diligent. Then she should ask advice about how to pull the grade up to at least a C. I assume these are math/science courses which can be very unforgiving to freshman. Another good person to talk to is the freshman dean. Perhaps withdraws could be arranged if she has AP credit to cover the dropped courses. She should be able to make her case that the courses were above her level without "blaming" the advisor.</p>

<p>I speak as a college prof and a mom. My D was flunking elementary Greek her first semester. The only solution was to withdraw and have an underload. I knew she would be devastated with a F in her GPA. The personnel at her school were very helpful. She has not received a grade lower than B since, and she is a junior. She did totally abandon her ideas of being a classics major and had a real crisis about what to pursue. However, she did find the perfect major for both her interests and the cast of her mind and is doing very well.</p>

<p>Hang in there.</p>

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<p>Our daughter has always managed her time well through HS because of her dance schedule. Now in college she is continuing to do so. She will often get to bed by 11pm on week nights. But she has a best friend, who had a very easy HS career (all As without much studying), is finding college to be quite a challenge. My daughter would start studying for a prelim a week before, but her friend would start a few days or a day before. When the friend said she's studying, she would do her nails, go on the Facebook, talk to few friends, then maybe getting down to it around 10pm and then stay up most of the night. She likes to say to my daughter, "I don't know how you do it, getting to bed so early and still get all of your work done."</p>

<p>Our daughter did come home gaining a few pounds. I didn't have to say anything, but my look did say it all. She is now on a strict grilled chicken and salad diet. She was dancing 20 hours a week, now it's down to 5, so her body is adjusting to that. I think that's the case with many freshman girls - from being very active with HS sports down to nothing. She has started taking cardio fitness for gym and swimming couple times a week. </p>

<p>When we picked her up last week, she was exhausted with a cold. She threw up the first day of our vacation. She was coughing and sneezing for a few days. By the end of the week, she's lost a few pounds, rested, cold gone. I told her that I have fixed her up and I expect to get her back in the same condition in a few weeks.</p>

<p>We encouraged our daughter not to take the hardest classes the first year(she didn't quite listen to us). You don't get kudo for getting a C in the hardest class - I said that in a different thread and many parents disagreed.</p>

<p>College is more than just the classrooms. It's learning to get along with people in close quarters, managing one's finance, taking care of one's body, and managing time (it means saying no to many temptations). The first 2 months of college, our daughter was very tense because there was no one to remind her to do anything, and she could never be alone except when she was sleeping. Over time, she has come up with a system to keep track of her to do list, and she is skipping some parties when she is too tired.</p>

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<p>I can't believe we (myself included, of course) are so concerned about the weight issue. I probably would not be concerned except for the fact that my D is obviously depressed about it. She won't mention the weight per se, but kept saying "I don't look cute any more." She is tall but I could see the extra pounds pretty clearly. Sadly, she never had good eating habits, but tended to never go in the kitchen to get food. Now that food is in her dorm room, snack food, I am sure, and vending machines all over the dorm, it is a different matter. Also, she played sports throughout HS so her metabolism was good. She still looks good but not the way she prefers. I am afraid her "depression" over the weight will make it worse. I am afraid to bring it up but also afraid not to.</p>

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<p>


We should all be so lucky.</p>

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<p>Well, that puts teenage weight gain into perspective, I think. For her little 5'2" self the difference between the 0 she now is and the 4 the frosh weight gain created is about what everyone is talking about. That's my point. What's the difference? She was still healthy, vigorous, attractive, but maybe not PERFECT. I was proud of her that she didn't think that perfection was important and more worried about her health when she suddenly lost the weight. I think it was walking from 110th st. to 116 st. and back many times a day, and when I figured that out I was relieved.</p>

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<p>You guys are scaring me. I really hope my D will * loose * some weight in college (her h/s life have been very unsuitable for any healthy lifestyle, unfortunately :(). Do such things happen?</p>

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<p>I'm puzzled and saddened by the attention to the weight issue, as well. I have three daughters of varying shapes and sizes. I very strongly feel that the issue of their weight belongs to them. They have mirrors and scales and clothing budgets, and certainly know without any input from me or anyone else whether they'd be happier at different weights. </p>

<p>My job as a parent was to provide healthy eating options as they were growing up, which I did. I also felt it was my job to model the mindset that a size 12 can indeed be as healthy, or healthier, than a size zero, and just as attractive, too. Now it is my job to recognize they are adults and shut up about stuff that is none of my business (no meaningful glances from me, either).</p>

<p>They're smart enough to be in college - they know where the freshman 15 came from and what to do to get rid of it. They're making choices about what classes to take, whom to date, how much time to spend studying versus sleeping versus hanging out with friends. I feel they're certainly capable of deciding what food goes into their mouths. </p>

<p>I wonder if a single parent can report making the weight situation better by bringing it up? What magical words are there to say that will result not only in a weight loss but the continuation of a happy parent-child relationship, based on respect for the child as an individual?</p>

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<p>^^I don't think there really are any words to say. Model good choices, provide healthy meals at home and lavish the praise when the pounds come off.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my H and I were the ones to gain the freshman 15 this past semester...
Too many dinners out I think. I must look up that "Healthy Bodies" thread!</p>

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<p>My daughter lost about eight pounds between the beginning of the semester and Thanksgiving -- because of an illness that left her with no appetite for two weeks.</p>

<p>I don't recommend this.</p>

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<p>My d came back with some weight gain that she was unhappy about. She brought it up and asked about my weight watchers regimen (since I've been on it for about 3 months). We talked, I gave her info and my books, and she'll see what she can do given college foods. My role now is information, since I go to the meetings, and support. I don't think my bringing it up would have helped things at all.</p>

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<p>Studies have shown that sleep deprivation causes weight gain, even without an increase in food consumption. This may contribute to the ubiquitous "freshman 15." Abric, perhaps focussing on the sleep issue rather than the weight gain will help your d manage her weight when she returns to school. Good luck!</p>

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<p>We do not discuss any weight issues, but I made sure that D brought a weight scale to her dorm. Also, I stuff her care packages with healthy snacks such as dry granny smith apples (unsweetened), turkey and bison jerky, instant oatmeal, instant miso soup, raw unsalted almonds etc. She does her part by stuffing her fridge regularly with yogurts, carrot sticks and hearts of lettuce. The key is to make sure that they can fix a quick healthy meal instead of running to a vendor machine whenever there isn't enough time for a cafeteria, during late study hours, or when they crave for a snack. I was very glad that D managed to maintain her weight, I know that she would be very upset if she did not, and she is challenged enough by her classes without having to worry about a weigh gain.</p>

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<p>Why do people (aunts, grandparents, etc) think that some one who has gained weight is unaware of it- it is true one's body image can be skewed, sometimes I feel fat, get on the scale dreading the number and am relieved, other times I have been deeply saddened by the new number in the 10s column (is that a block or a rod in early math games?)- but I always know if my jeans fit.</p>

<p>Yes, a person can add pounds without quite realizing what has happened or even know it is happening, but be too caught up in a situation to care right then. No one can make any one else lose weight and I wish nosy family members would shut their mouths.</p>

<p>Of course, my grandmother never weighed 100 pounds and my poor mother was the fat sister at 105# so this issue hits hard, I actually have an aunt who would ask you if you had broken 100# yet, as she had a tiny daughter and auntie wanted to be the "winner" with the tiniest daughter. It was kinda sick. I am blessed my mom did not carry that attitude over to our family as I am a good 6" taller than all those mini-counsins and would not be healthy at 100#.</p>

<p>I agree with what has been said before, model good habits, encourage good food purchases, send fun healthy recipes, talk about ways to find exercise in a busy day (not to be skinny, to be healthy) and simply give your Ds every tool they could possibly use to do it themselves.</p>

<p>That being said I have one D who has been fighting an up and down all through college of about 30#. She was a HS athlete and when that went away, she did gain and she has yoyoed in frustration ever since. She would not be a size 0-2-4 anyway, but wants to be closer.</p>

<p>We had a real scare one year when she lost a lot of weight, she looked grea, every told her so, but she did not look healthy to myself and her sisters, she was losing it the wrong way, just not eating, etc. We were concerned about eating disorders and other potential issues. She is heavier again now, trying to take it off the healthy way, I would rather see her more slender, for her own sake, but only in a good way.</p>

<p>We have to be cautious, with so many eating disorders floating around, girls get ideas in the dorm and can try stupid ways to lose weight. Think & talk health not weight!</p>

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<p>Thanks, Somemom, for bringing up the dangers of eating disorders. My niece spent 5 weeks inpatient in an eating disorder treatment facility in the spring of her junior year of h.s., including her 16th birthday. Insurance paid for every penny of the costs, which were in the tens of thousands of dollars, illustrating how serious her situation was, as we all know that they won't just shell out money for unnecessary treatments. To put it bluntly, it could have been fatal. </p>

<p>It is important to emphasize the importance of a healthy diet and exercise to our college girls, but it is just as important to avoid causing them to focus on their body image in an unhealthy way.</p>

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<p>Years ago, when I went to college, we all gained weight our first semester. 10 or 15 pounds. The food in the cafeteria was SOOO bad - and we ordered pizza or subs every night. We all had different ways of dealing with the weight gain.<br>
One girl on my dorm floor binged and purged - regularly - very sad.
One just kept gaining and had to buy all new clothes - several times.
During my second semester, I tried doing 100 sit ups per night (the old fashioned kind) to get back my flat abs. Ended up in the Emergency Room with severe back spasms. I'll never forget being carted out on a stretcher with everyone watching.<br>
It's so sad that weight is such a big deal with girls. It just seems part of our culture. Thankfully, I learned not to obsess over it.
I wonder if certain colleges are more likely to put pressure on girls. I see those rankings that list the schools with the "prettiest girls". Can't be a good thing as far as this issue is concerned.</p>

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<p>The stuff you mention (15 pounds in three months, depressed attitude, excuses for everything) strikes me as a kid who may be battling depression and Binge Eating Disoder. (Binge eating is common among college students. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about one in five young women report having had binge eating symptoms.) If she is reluctant to see a college therapist, is there a private therapist near by who might be able to help her NOW? I don't see any advantage to waiting for winter break. Plus, if she returns to college next semester, she may need someone to continue to work with her. Your daughter's story sounds very similar to a family member of mine.</p>

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<p>All of these wonderful suggestions just show how difficult this situation can be. Is a kid just going through normal adjustment issues, or is it the beginning of something more serious? You don't want to over react but you don't want to regret NOT acting when you maybe could have. So many teens binge to some extent, when does it become a "disorder", and what does that really mean? And you can send the healthy food and model appropriate choices and find a therapist and finally none of that will help if a teenager isn't ready to help themselves. I know in my gut that trying to get my D set up with some kind of therapist right now when she has 3 weeks to focus on pulling up her grades would be completely overwhelming to her. I feel that all I can do is assess the situation when she comes back home. I have had so many women, including ones on this board, tell me they gained weight freshman year and/or didn't do well in their classes, or their daughters did, and they pulled out of it pretty quickly. The thing I can say is my D left for school feeling that my H and I were on her side, and that right now seems important. We'll just have to see how it goes and be patient for the time being, at least that's my plan.</p>

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<p>has she seemed to adjust and make some friends. Sounds like freshman nerves....</p>