<p>I don't think it is an issue of gay versus straight but of having a rommate whose major point of identification seems to be an aggressive identification of his sexual preference. That makes me uncomfortable, just as a link to a site showing a man and woman in intimate contact would. I don't think that sexually explicit material is particularly appropriate for facebook listings or casual conversations. Promiscuity can be a problem for both gay and straight roommates; it's not a preference-specific trait. To me this student's sexually oriented site feeds into an unfortunate stereotype (it's still too easy for young people and some of their elders to be unaware of the thousands of stable gay couples and families whose public lives are not noticeably different from those of their straight neighbors). I agree with other posters than you really cannot in this day and age ask for a roommate on the basis of sexual preference. More to the point: is there going to be a lot of partying, random sexual activity, any sort of threatening behavior? Will it interfere with the other student's comfort, security, etc? (Again, not something unique to a gay roommate--could be an issue for straight kids too.) Only then, I think, would you have any basis for switching rooms or roommates. I hope the situation works out better than that though.</p>
<p>Pafather, I think your premise is wrong. You are confusing the issue of gender with that of sexual orientation. It is highly unlikely that NYU asked students to identify their sexual orientation when assigning roommates. Certainly my son was not asked at his college. Therefore NYU did not "force" a homosexual student to room with a heterosexual student anymore than they "force" heterosexuals to live with heterosexuals.</p>
<p>Further, I would recommend that vnewyork resist jumping to conclusions about someone based on stuff written in a facebook. Be sure that your assumptions are accurate (e.g. I like "homosexual books" like The Line of Beauty and am "interested in men" but that isn't a sign of my sexual orientation). Why not meet him and see what he is really like? Is it not possible that you might get along after all?</p>
<p>vnewyork: Please do whatever is necessary to change your living situation. You are uncomfortable and as your parents believe you should change roommates, I am assuming their views are similar to those you have expressed so very clearly. Probably the college won't help you if you state your real concern. I agree with the other posters who suggested you make something up. If that doesn't work, please let your potential roommate know your concerns (you can just forward a link to this thread) and I feel confident he will be able to get a speedy room transfer. Many parents of gay students are careful to try and help their sons and daughters in choosing colleges where they can avoid having to constantly deal with intolerant attitudes and prejudice, or at least open homophobia. It is impossible to avoid it in society at large but at least in liberal colleges.. like NYU.. one can hope for four relatively stress-free years.</p>
<p>This has been a very interesting discussion. Good points all around. I'll just mention a few items that I don't think have been covered.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>No one is forced to live with another. You choose to go to college. At most schools you choose to live in the dorm. This argument is like folks who say they are forced to show their drivers license to a store clerk when they pay with a check. You are not forced, but if you take them up on their offer you accept their conditions.</p></li>
<li><p>Most folks could not care less if their room mate is straight or gay. Their fear is that the other person will try to cram the other person's way of living and beliefs down their throat. Usually that is no more of a problem in the gay/straight context than it is in the republican/democrat context. However, straight folks do have valid concerns. Laws and policies are being passed that require straights to accept (and in fact support or else be labeled homophobic) gay ways and beliefs - something you don't have upsetting the balance in the democrat/republican context. You can tell your republican room mate that you think all republicans are facist pigs and to shut up about it. If you say something similar to your gay room mate you may end up in court (charged with a hate crime), and will probably be thrown out of the dorm. </p></li>
<li><p>This all leads to straight folks fearing they have to either support gays or just grin and bear it when they get stuck with a militant gay, or not go to college (after all, you are not forced to live in the dorm - it might just be the only way you can go to college). It is a valid concern. Thankfully most gays are just people trying to get along and it is not an actual problem. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>I had a gay room mate and didn't know it for a long time. Can't say I cared. We got along great other than politics, and we never discussed politics after he told me off the first week.</p>
<p>I consider myself liberal and have nothing against bigots, but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of having to live with one :rolleyes: . On second thought, maybe Id consider it part of the college experience to learn to get along with people who werent exactly like me. </p>
<p>As for Pafathers analogy, Id actually rather my daughter were forced to room with a straight man than go to a college that accepted the idea that prejudiceagainst gays, against African-Americans, or against Martians for that mattershould be allowed to dictate roommate assignments. Not that Im wildly in favor of the idea, but colleges have had co-ed bathrooms for years now, and the orgies of misbehavior that doomsayers originally predicted have not occurred. Most colleges expect their students to behave in a civilized manner toward one another, and have procedures for dealing with objectionable actionsnot objectionable orientationsif and when they occur. </p>
<p>To the OP: Good for you for deciding to give the situation a shot. Things will probably work out fine (though all bets are off if one of you is neat and the others a slob). </p>
<p>PS: For the record, NYU is north of Houston Street, in Greenwich Village, but yes, there are quite a few gay people there. Then again, they walk among us. Im reminded of Jeffrey Toobins article, Sex and the Supremes, in the August 1 issue of The New Yorker:
[quote]
At the same time that liberal law professors were advancing the gay-rights agenda on campus, like-minded lawyers were trying to do the same in the courts. They made it to the Supreme Court in 1986, but the Court's first major gay-rights decision was a tremendous disappointment. In Bowers v. Hardwick, a dismissive opinion by Justice Byron White, for a five-to-four majority, held that the State of Georgia could prosecute individuals for engaging in consensual homosexual sodomy; White wrote that the gay defendant's claim "is, at best, facetious." Perhaps the most revealing cultural marker in the case was that the swing vote, Justice Lewis Powell, told one of his clerks at the time that he had never met a gay person. In fact, according to Powell's biographer John C. Jeffries, Jr., that clerk was gay. (Powell, who died in 1998, later said that he regretted his vote in Bowers.)
[/quote]
</p>
<p>
[quote]
am "interested in men" but that isn't a sign of my sexual orientation
[/quote]
</p>
<p>W T F is it then? LOL</p>
<p>vNY - probably a good decision to "give it a try" and see how it goes. I think the big roommate risk is not that you get paired up with someone who is culturally or racially different, but that you get paired up with someone who is a thoughtless jerk and impossible to live with. It is a scary prospect to live with someone who appears to be very different. Many college kids will be randomly matched with people very similar to themselves. As adults, most of us live and work with people very similar to ourselves. It is not surprising for someone to have reservations about rooming with a person that is superficially different. Facing those concern and "giving it a try" seems like a reasonable course of action to me.</p>
<p>Pafather indeed confuses sex (gender) with sexual identity. </p>
<p>I told my D about this thread and her reasons for not wanting to room with guys are fairly pragmatic: "College guys tend to be smelly, messier, and dirtier than girls." I guess she's heard about too many frat houses. I forebore from pointing out that this is the population from which her future husband will be drawn. Ooops. Just broke that one. </p>
<p>Questions of sexual identity, on the other hand, don't bother her in the least. I guess she's fortunate to have grown up not in a cocoon, in a place where there are not only gay people--as there are most everywhere--but where circumstances allow them to be open about it and this fosters a "no big deal" attitude, which is not most everywhere.</p>
<p>To the OP, one side benefit to having a gay roommate is that if he is extroverted, he will likely have a ton of friends who are girls and they just might be hanging out in his/your room! Good chance for you to meet them. :)</p>
<p>Wow. This thread gives me hope and yet saddens me as well. As a parent, I would hate to feel that I was sending my child off to a school where he would be disliked or shunned before anyone got to know him. While my children are "straight," I have friends whose children are not....and high school was really a bite. We all have hopes that moving into a more enlightened and educated community might change some of the attitude. Granted, the OP's roommate did put his sexual preference up in a very public place, but maybe this is a defense mechanism as it would be hard to keep sexual preference a secret (nor would it be desirable for someone who is "out") in a roommate situation. </p>
<p>For the record, my son chose to live in the LGBT house this year even though he is neither L-G-B or T. They have extra slots and the rooms are wonderful. The LGBT kids are willing to share and accept as well as vice versa. It would be nice if one day they don't have to designate special housing in order to make minority status students (preference/ethnicity/religion) feel safe and accepted.</p>
<p>Oh, and my college roomate (hetero) my fourth year was an absolute nightmare. My other roomies and I toyed with the idea of getting her a McDonald's sign for her door....billions and billions served. Or maybe just a revolving door. It was obnoxious.</p>
<p>Joev, I was trying to make a point about not reading too much into a statement on a facebook that said he "liked homosexual books" and was "interested in men" combined with a picture of two men "caressing." </p>
<p>First, I would take anything you find on the internet with much suspicion and a huge grain of salt. It would be far better to contact the potential roommate over the phone and perhaps meet him if feasible and get a real sense of who he is.</p>
<p>Second, most people are assuming that the above description is sufficient proof that the roommate is gay. Well, perhaps. But perhaps not. As I said, I like what might be considered "homosexual books" (I gave the Booker Prize winning Line of Beauty as a possible example) as do many other people. As well, I am "interested in men," depending of course on what you mean by "interested." I loved Caro's biography of Lyndon Johnson. I am a huge fan of the Red Sox. </p>
<p>My point is (somewhat clumsily made) that vNY should not judge his potential roommate by an internet facebook. It is important to not make too many assumptions, especially based on stereotypes and prejudice. Whatever the roommate's sexual orientation, it is important to judge him as a real life person, by what he says and does. Only then can a real assessment be made.</p>
<p>It is great that vNY has responded to this thread with such a positive, renewed attitude and determination to enter into his college experience with an open mind. Good luck.</p>
<p>My son and daughter both had successive terminally neat and irredeemably messy roomates, a TOTALLY gender/orientation neutral characteristic, from all evidence I have seen! It is hard for this generation of kids, who are used to the privacy of having their own room, to have any kind of roommate. It is amazing that as many friendships are forged and survive as do. Maybe it is the pack instinct, frolicking puppies, etc. It is yet another part of the college experience, and residence life IS part of the college education. </p>
<p>Please keep us posted about things as they evolve vNY.</p>
<p>My grandmother was class of 1911 at Smith College, and found her roommate in bed with another woman one afternoon. Thing is, she hadn't known homosexuality even existed so it was quite a surprise!....If I were you I"d get reassigned. Nothing about homophobia here, but I sure would be more comfortable living in the same close quarters with someone of the same orientation. Good Luck!</p>
<p>If it looks like a duck...</p>
<p>dke: Homosexuality didn't exist until after the Kennedy administration. ;)</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the replies. I'm from San Francisco so believe me I haven't grown up in a cocoon! On the other hand, I have never had any friends who were homosexual, so while I know that not all gays are "out there" like those that I sometimes see in the City or at school, I have never truly known an openly homosexual person. I think thats why I am feeling uncomfortable about this rooming situation. But on the other hand, all of my female friends love gay guys, so I'm sure there will be plenty of girls coming up to our room all the time and it'll be great. I'm still pretty apprehensive, but what the hell I'm gonna give it a try. At least I'm sure our room won't be messy!</p>
<p>VNewYork, I apologize, sometimes I'm a bit obscure in my remarks...the notion about being in a cocoon was <em>not</em> directed at you. Otoh, San Francisco "out there" is probably not a fair representation of the typical gay person.</p>
<p>When we were in college & grad school, I can't remember us filling out ANY info about ourselves prior to or after being assigned roommates. We really into the process totally blind. I could never figure out any rhyme or reason behind how we were paired up. As was mentioned before, one advantage is was that many of us had shared a room with a sibbling at home, unlike many of the kids these days (my kids only share a room when the 4 of us are all in one hotel room on trips; like many of their peers, they've had their own rooms since they were very young).
Good luck--& try not to worry. With a little compromise & mutual respect from all concerned, most roommate situations can work out quite well & allow for a lot of personal growth.</p>
<p>A number of things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I wouldn't object strenuously to being paired with a guy. I would tend to agree with TheDad's daughter's position that it would probably be less than ideal scent-wise, but otherwise it wouldn't bother me that much. It's not like men and women have never been platonic roommates before. Personally, I'm comfortable enough not to feel threatened by the fact that the person I'm rooming with happens to be attracted to my gender at large; and I'm not presumptuous enough to assume that he or she will automatically be attracted to me just because he or she likes girls. In fact, realistically, people who live with you and see you when you get up in the morning looking like hell are probably less likely to think of you in a sexual way.</p></li>
<li><p>
[quote]
I don't think that sexually explicit material is particularly appropriate for facebook listings or casual conversations.
[/quote]
It's hardly "sexually explicit" to list that you're interested in men, is it? Not any more than it is sexually explicit to state that you're straight. In both cases, it's just a clarification for anyone who might consider you romantically.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Or are you talking about the picture of "two guys caressing" (a vague description that could mean anything from hugging to a hand job)? As I understood from the OP, this picture was on his xanga, and so it's hardly "casual conversation." Xangas, blogs, livejournals... these things are inherently uber-personal, since they're a forum for posting thoughts as private as you're willing to share. If you click on a link to someone else's private online journal, where presumably he shares something of himself and his thoughts with the online world, you can hardly yell at him for exhibiting this sort of thing "in casual conversation." You're consciously electing to be privy to his intimate thoughts; can you rightly be indignant if he follows through and posts them?</p>
<ol>
<li>
[quote]
You can tell your republican room mate that you think all republicans are facist pigs and to shut up about it. If you say something similar to your gay room mate you may end up in court (charged with a hate crime), and will probably be thrown out of the dorm.
[/quote]
I suppose it all depends on whether you view sexual orientation as a "lifestyle" or as an innate characteristic. There is no basis for objecting to an aspect of a person with which he was born and which he cannot help; there is, however, a basis for objecting to a conscious point of view in which a person chooses to believe. We of course should be tolerant and respectful of everyone else's viewpointand I certainly hope no liberal-minded person would say such a vitriolic thing as you mentionbut that doesn't mean we can't object to them. </li>
</ol>
<p>And even if you don't believe, as I do, that sexuality is innate, it's still more appropriate to become heated with someone on the subject of his political views than his sexual identity. Presumably liberals and conservatives (and any other viewpoints) bash heads about political and social issues because they care passionately about the world they live in and feel that the implimentation of the policies with which they agree would make the world a better place. So when they encounter someone who would block said implimentation, they get a bit worked up; but at heart it is because they feel this alternate political view is directly detrimental to their own and their society's welfare. But regarding sexuality, if two college boys make out in private somewhere, well, who died? What harm is it directly to these boys' roommates, who were probably at the time sleeping soundly in bed, blissfully unaware, or else up to their own shenanigans? Why would they insult someone and confront him over an issue that doesn't affect them or their loved ones in the slightest? If these gay boys choose to do this consensually, it is, quite frankly, none of their roommates' business.</p>
<ol>
<li>
[quote]
As well, I am "interested in men," depending of course on what you mean by "interested." I loved Caro's biography of Lyndon Johnson. I am a huge fan of the Red Sox.
[/quote]
Are you familiar with facebook? Because I appreciate the thought, but in the context of facebook it's quite clear he meant he was interested in men sexually (unless he was kidding about the whole thing).</li>
</ol>
<p>vnewyork: do not assume he will not be messy. The biggest messes I have EVER seen with were son's most recent (gay) roommate's, who was always immaculately dressed and turned out, but he was too busy being sociable to do anything mundane, like picking up clothes and papers. His parents went for lunch when it was move out time, he kept disappearing for yet another chat. He is a charmer, though.</p>
<p>"I still do not see the difference between a heterosexual male being FORCED to share a room with a homosexual male and a heterosexual female being FORCED to share a room with a heterosexual male. Couldn't a female learn something about the plight of men if she were forced to room with a male?"</p>
<p>Sorry Pafather, but I don't think this is a valid argument. </p>
<p>A. Why do you keep comparing this to a heterosexual female being FORCED to live with a heterosexual male and not vice-versa? Are you implying that the arrangement would be harmful for the female but not for the male? Are you assuming that in both cases the heterosexual female/heterosexual male would be the victims of their peeping tom roommates (ie the heterosexual male/homosexual male)?...sorry, i know that sounds confusing. </p>
<p>B. Any other arrangement would be difficult to accomplish. I know that my college specifically asks if one is gay friendly on the roommate form. However, many students believe that it will be assumed that they are gay and they will automatically placed with a gay roommate, in a more gay dorm, etc. However, considering the reputation of my school as a liberal haven, I doubt that the question bears much weight on one's roommate assignment. (it also asks if you are "welcome to diversity," whatever that is supposed to mean). In any case, if such a question were to be considered, it would probably just aliente the gay community, especially at a larger school like NYU. (And do you really think it is a good idea to purposely put two people who might be attracted to EACH OTHER in a dorm together...that leads to relationship problems, demands for roommate changes, which leads to my next point...)</p>
<p>C. There is a greater chance of there being an issue when a male and a female are placed together (and i mean in the sense that a non-platonic relationship will form, they will have hookups, etc...not that the male will be make the vulnerable female feel uncomfortable, as you implied in your post). Even if (god forbid) a gay male develops a crush on his straight roommate, a romantic/sexual relationship will not form (and, believe it or not, most gay people accept this fact...they will not persist or try to "convert").</p>
<p>With that, I understand how it could be uncomfortable for both the gay and straight roommate (but, as other posters have commented, this is NYU... it is something that has to be expected). I do think that it is a good idea for colleges to allow students to choose roommates of the opposite sex (just as, after freshman year, all students should have the freedom to select a roommate whose lifestyle/personality suits their own). However, for random assignments, any consideration of sexual orientation would most likely be a bad thing...it would just lead to less understanding, less interaction, etc etc.</p>