<p>Just learned in the last two weeks that essentially our senior child crashed and burned half the final semester of college. He gets to go through all the commencement activities as if he was graduating; just no diploma; and will return for a summer session to get the rest of the credits needed for the diploma. But we learned that he has failed a few courses over two semesters. Basically the school just became a toxic environment for him and he stopped being able to cope. I've already gone through the heartache of knowing how he suffered, even though he's been getting help. </p>
<p>He's as upbeat as possible; realizes he will graduate eventually; has plans for acquiring skills to make him more employable; is handling it maturely considering he feared our reaction as much as the actual situation.</p>
<p>But I'm sick at heart over the lost opportunities, his unhappiness in college (so not the best years of his life) and the additional challenges the college record places on him for the future. I want to help him celebrate over the weekend but I already can't stop crying and can't sleep; how will I get through it all? I can be supportive but upbeat? And it doesn't help that my mom is coming since she was invited before we knew anything and we feel she doesn't need to know any of this.</p>
<p>I'm sure others have faced this kind of situation and I know it's not unusual for students to need a few extra credits (although not necessarily for these reasons), but how do you handle the sadness and regret? I can be supportive but don't know how to handle the emotions that will be so different than I ever expected.</p>
<p>Actually I probably just wanted to vent and where else than CC? Also still have to discuss the latest details with DH who will want to dissect how it all happened and is even less optimistic about the future than me. It's all so very different than what I thought a month ago.</p>
<p>He will have all of his credits by the end of the summer, right? I wouldn’t think an employer would ever know about any of this,would they? Take a deep breath, you can do it. I know it seems terrible right now, but this time next year, it will just be a memory.</p>
<p>you’ll be fine. your son will be fine. he’s walking with his classmates for the special day. he has a plan in place to rectify his situation. </p>
<p>all is good. it may not happen as neatly as you had hoped, but it looks like it’s going to happen and it won’t make much difference in the long haul.</p>
<p>enjoy–smile a little–and celebrate your son’s ability to ask/find/receive the help he needs.</p>
<p><em>hug</em>. It’s okay! He’ll be okay, and even if college didn’t constitute the best years of his life, that just means that there’s so much more to look forward to! The best thing now is to reassure him that in the future, if he faces a setback, he’ll always be able to come to his parents for love and support… and it sounds like he’s already found that out. </p>
<p>Everyone experiences failures. It’s how you bounce back from those failures that define you as a person. Sounds like you raised a good son! Celebrate THAT this weekend! Paper or no (and really, nobody is handed their diploma at graduation anyhow), this is a milestone for him. There’s no ‘big production’ after the summer semester, so embrace this weekend as the big graduation celebration in anticipation of his success. Then, this summer, do what you all can to support him in cranking out those last few credit hours so he can dust himself off and move on, diploma on the wall.</p>
<p>EO’s right-- it seems really bad right now, but he sounds like he’s going to rebound so very well, and that he’s learned some good lessons about how to bounce back in the process.</p>
That’s one of the items I pointed out on the ‘what not to say to your grad’ thread - college days really ‘aren’t’ always the best days of one’s life. So you have that one covered.</p>
<p>
Some employers only check that the applicant graduated and earned the degree stated (some don’t even check) and don’t delve into the GPA or transcript.</p>
<p>This is important -
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<p>
Get through it all by acting more like him. Consider this a detail that needs to be dealt with but nothing that’ll be that important 10 years down the road. Let your mom enjoy the ceremony and be proud of what he’s accomplished without having to worry about the details. So what if he has a few more courses to cover in the summer? Before you know it he’ll be done and this will all be past him. Also keep in mind that it’s not unusual for students to walk before completing a couple more needed classes afterwards in the summer or in another quarter/semester and they do so for a variety of reasons - not always because of failing classes.</p>
<p>I feel for you, OP. If your son goes to one of the vast majority of institutions that only gives the cover but mails the contents(diploma) later, there really is no reason not to celebrate with your son. Your mom never need be told anything you don’t wish her to know.</p>
<p>My son graduated in August instead of June of his year because while he was abroad for his Junior year, his university (and it is a big one) decided to offer some classes every other year rather than every year. One of those was a GENED class that he had to have.</p>
<p>So that he wouldn’t have to return to campus in August, they let him take it at our local CC. His “sheepskin” arrived in the mail in September, just like those of the June graduates.</p>
<p>This happened to one of S’s roommates. The parents didn’t find out their son wasn’t officially graduating until they were at the school-sponsored party on campus THE NIGHT BEFORE (they traveled over 1000 miles to be there). Apparently, this kid found out he was short 3 credits and would have to take a class in the summer. He still celebrated like he was graduating, because in his mind he was. And the parents had no other choice! They were already there so might as well enjoy it. I spoke to the mom later and she said that they’d just try to think of the summer class as an “administrative task” to complete.</p>
<p>Although the roommate DREADED telling his folks, it all turned out just fine. He got his diploma. It’s a year later and nobody even remembers it happened. (This thread just reminded me :))</p>
<p>Breathe deep. It IS all going to be fine. And yes, it’s hard to realize that perhaps the image of his time at college wasn’t quite the way you thought, but it seems he’s quite prepared to do what’s necessary. Frankly, to me, it sounds like he has a pretty great attitude. </p>
<p>Just tell yourself that his best time is yet to come. And isn’t that something worth looking forward to?</p>
<p>In all honesty, were you “happy” in college. I know I wasn’t. I know my DH wasn’t - until we met each other in grad school. It’s a tough time. Everyone is worried about two things - mating and earning a living. There was a ton of angst when I was in college. I’m sure today with the crazy economy that the angst is an order of magnitude worse.</p>
<p>Graduating a few months late? Oh my. My many nephews and nieces would have been thrilled to be on that schedule. One is in year seven and still trying to finish. </p>
<p>My mom always said: “Bad beginning, good ending”</p>
<p>Who wants to be a superstar in college anyway? What matters is what’s ahead.</p>
<p>He WILL graduate. I hope you can enjoy the weekend, although I completely understand how you are feeling.</p>
<p>A friend of mine attended her stepdaughter’s college graduation, watched her walk, gave her (along with the girl’s father) a large cash gift, and several weeks later found out that not only did the girl not really graduate but that she had not attended school for THREE YEARS!!! The father had been sending the tuition money directly to the girl. This was a large state school and you just hand a card with your name to the announcer and the announcer reads it. This was only uncovered by the father/stepmother when they needed proof of student status for a medical insurance claim! So- look at all those kids walking and wonder how many of them are REALLY graduating!</p>
<p>You guys are GOOD!!! Thank you! I am feeling so very much better to have it all in perspective. You’re my Desmond (my constant that grounds me). Which is only appropriate since apparently there were two realities going on, the one he was living and the one we thought he was living.</p>
<p>UC Dad - I was thinking of the other thread when I wrote the “not best years of life”. Maybe we should add another thing not to say “Are you really graduating?”</p>
<p>I will celebrate his upcoming diploma from a great university, his lasting four years under strong competition and heavy issues, and his ability to recover from adversity. He is still my bright perfectionist son who has learned to handle what happens when you’re not perfect. (Although his grandmother will always think he is).</p>
<p>Oh - and it doesn’t hurt that he forwarded an email from a company (from the top 100 companies) that seems to be on the verge of extending a job offer. If he pulls that off with his academic record then I need to go on a couple other threads to say (1) it can make a difference to pick a school with a top reputation and (2) it was worth every overpriced penny to send him there; we got our money’s worth!</p>
<p>That’s the spirit. Congratulations to you, your family, and your excellent son. Happy graduation! I’ll cross my fingers for the job to come through!</p>
<p>S1’s roommate and another friend both participated in grad. last May but had to go to summer school to complete their degree reqs. It happens more than you think.
I know it’s a shock to you but it sounds like your S has a plan and it really will work out.
Best wishes for the weekend.</p>
<p>Your son sounds like a wonderful kid and he pulled through the best he could despite the adversity and formulated a plan that he is hopeful about. Enjoy your weekend and support whatever he does to complete his course work.</p>
<p>I don’t think we can help but feel disappointed when we watch the possibilities slip away. It’s what comes with loving your child. I am so glad that you can vent your feelings here so you are prepared to enjoy the good parts of this weekend.</p>
<p>Your son will be fine, as many here have said, he is only a couple of credits short of graduating, he has a plan in place, and he will be finished soon. This is not the time to talk about what might have been to him - this is when they need to see respect and optimism in our eyes. They need to see our belief in them. </p>
<p>As for celebrating, you can try to keep in mind that it is over, and for him that might be something to celebrate. Yes, he may have some credits to finish, but really his undergrad years are over! You can all move on to a new phase in his life.</p>
<p>We will think of you and hope to hear on Monday that it went better than you thought.</p>
<p>And DON’T feel guilty or like a phony for not telling your mom. Let her enjoy the weekend!!!</p>
<p>quandry, hugs. I’m in the same place - son crashed and burned in the last 5 weeks of his senior year. But at this point, I’m still waiting to hear if he’s going to the graduation ceremony & what his plan is - can he finish or not? its so painful to watch. I can’t even imagine going to graduation…but maybe I’ll feel differently when I know his plans. There’s no summer session at my son’s school, so I’m not sure how it will work if he can’t finish his course work this term. Oh goodness.</p>
<p>Quandry, the same thing happened to me many years ago – I must say college was not my happiest time – the school was a good fit academically and financially, but socially it was a nightmare. My senior year I just gave up the fight and failed a class my last semester. Had to take summer school. It was the best thing ever for me. Because I had to be there anyway I took an extra class – that turned my life around. The professor who taught that extra class got me to understand how my whole education came together and how I could use it to do the things I wanted to do with my life. Thirty years later I still think of the lessons I learned that summer and I think it was part of “bigger plan” that I be there that summer.</p>
<p>It’s very common for students to take a little longer than 8 semesters to graduate. The main concern, when it happens, is financial – that extra summer session or semester costs money. Other than that, nobody seems to care. Employers see it all the time. The most common reasons, probably, are changes of majors or schedule conflicts, but situations like the one you describe happen, too.</p>
<p>It may comfort the OP more to know that things could be much worse. About this time last year, a friend found out that her child would NOT be walking with his classmates, and was MANY credits short of qualifying for graduation. The child had known that graduation wasn’t going to happen since the fall, but felt unable to discuss it with the parents (or grandparents) until the week before they were planning to show up for the ceremony (and to stay in the non-cancelable hotel rooms reserved months earlier). Our friend’s ex-spouse responded by refusing to contribute another cent towards the child’s education (and by resisting the notion of contributing to the college education of the child’s siblings, too), which put a huge barrier in the way of actually fixing the problem.</p>
<p>The kid, by the way, is smart and nice, enthusiastic, engaged in activities, no aura of loser-dom. This blindsided everyone. The problem was not drug or alcohol related, or at least not primarily; it was more distraction by socially-approved extra-curriculars, and anxiety about the hole that was being dug. </p>
<p>It’s a year later, and the kid in question is no closer to graduating than last year. Except, I think there is a plan, one that will take a couple more years to execute. The parents are fighting over the remaining kids.</p>
<p>A study released a few months ago said that the SIX YEAR college graduation rate for Caucasian males in Texas is 45%. That means that of all the white guys who start college, 55% of them will not have a diploma after SIX years. (The rate is even worse for Hispanics and African Americans.) The thrust of the news story was on the poor job the HSs must be doing to prepare kids for college, but since my son had his own crash and burn experience this semester, I took comfort in the stats.</p>
<p>Enjoy the weekend as best as you can (I might need a little chemical or alcoholic assistance if it was me) but then just ride him over the summer to make sure he gets his degree.</p>
<p>This story is over 20 years old but it bears telling. Large law firm, hires only from the top of the class. Bar results came out out and one of the First Years wasn’t on the pass list. First Year said he didn’t take it, he was sick. Bar results came out six months later for the next bar exam. Same First Year still wasn’t on the list. At that point the First Year had to admit that he couldn’t take the bar because he hadn’t actually earned enough credits to graduate from law school. On the plus side, he’d gotten a law firm to pay him a large salary for almost a year. On the negative side…</p>
<p>A lot of empty diploma cases at graduation. Most schools don’t even bother to issue the diploma at graduation. You have to apply to get the official document and your bills have to be paid, your library books returned, and your credits in order.</p>
<p>My son’s college would allow students to “walk” if it can be demonstrated that they can complete the graduation requirements at the end of the summer. Otherwise they have to wait for the December commencement. I wouldn’t put any money on how many of those graduates had some coursework still to do over the summer before getting their piece of paper.</p>
<p>As for me, until I saw that diploma; it came in the mail, I refused to invest my feelings and beliefs in whether he had truly graduated or not. He had had a checkered two years and graduated by the skin of his teeth. In fact, he had to get a requirement waived to graduate. I didn’t even want to go to the graduation when I found out that being allowed to be in the ceremony and listed in the program did not mean those kids were actually graduating. Just meant it was possible for them to graduate by the end of the summer if they did what needed to be done.</p>
Congratulations to you, your family, and your excellent son. Happy graduation! I’ll cross my fingers for the job to come through!</p>