Why is my son screwing up?

Parents Forum
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<p>Help!!! My oldest son is floundering and I don't know what to do about it. He is a college senior due to graduate this spring. He has absolutely no idea what he wants to do when he graduates and in the last year alone he has flunked a class, been fired from a job, has failed to pay rent on multiple occasions (even though he has the money) and regularly overdrafts his bank account. He also sleeps til noon and beyond whenever he can.</p>

<p>He has always been extremely bright and intellectual but has always seemed to lack everyday common sense. I feel like I am constantly lecturing him about one thing or another and I don't want to be that kind of mom.</p>

<p>His father and I are very worried about him going forward. Do we just hope that once he graduates and goes out into the big bad world on his own he'll suddenly figure it out? Or is there something preemptive that we can or should do?</p>

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<p>cbug, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I don’t have any brilliant words of wisdom for you, but I hope that things will settle down soon! I would try to sit him down and have a discussion (not a lecture) about his plans and some concerns. I think you can offer advice, but he may just have to learn things the hard way. Make sure that when he needs to have support you haven’t burned any bridges and he is comfortable coming to you. Hopefully some other CCers have experienced this and can offer the wisdom that comes from living through it!</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>How do you even know he hasn’t paid his rent or is overdrawn on his bank account? If it’s because he’s told you- then I hope your consistent response is always, “Gee honey that sounds very challenging. I’m sure you’ll work it out with (pick one) your landlord, the management company, the bank, etc”. If he’s not telling you, but you have access to his accounts-- you need a quick meeting where you tell him that you are backing off from your day-to-day parenting beginning today.</p>

<p>Either way, it’s time for a family meeting for the three of you:</p>

<p>“Honey, we love you and will always be rooting for you. Your real life begins in six months. You will always have a roof over your head, and you can always move back home while you figure things out. We expect you to become financially independent within 12 weeks of your college graduation (or pick 16 if you’re a softie) and will start charging you a reasonable rent at that point once you have a job. Good luck figuring things out! We love you so much!”</p>

<p>Is he really a senior and somehow thinks you are going to support him once he graduates? If so, get cracking on that family meeting. How he figures things out- learns to wake up at a normal time, keep a job, balance a checkbook- that’s on him. Drawing the line that his adult life begins once he graduates- and you are not going to lecture him, cajole him, nag him or remind him that he needs to find a job-- that’s on you.</p>

<p>Why hasn’t he developed common sense? Because he hasn’t had to. Was there a late penalty for paying rent after the due date? Did you pay it for him? Who covers the overdrafts at the bank? You?</p>

<p>My kids quickly learned that overdrafts, ATM fees, etc. could eat up their entire entertainment budget for the month. No beer, no movies, nada, because they had not been careful with their money. Oh well, nobody dies in college from a month with no beer. The best way to teach them that actions have consequences, is… well, for the actions to have consequences.</p>

<p>The fastest way for a young kid to get motivated to find a job for when he graduates from college is to realize that without one, he’s back living with Mom and Dad AND paying rent to do so!</p>

<p>Does he have a car? Who pays the insurance?</p>

<p>You get my drift…</p>

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<p>^ Blossom: The reason we know about the bank account is that we are co-authorized on his account and his info comes up when we sign on to check our account balances. Similar reason for the rent; we had to co sign on the lease since he had no credit history. The landlord has thus called us when he was way overdue.</p>

<p>It seems we’ve already tried every form of talking to him but nothing seems to sink in. I think it’s a form of Peter Pan syndrome. He is super involved in about 6 different extra curriculars and commits tons of time and energy to those because he loves them. But growing up means doing things that aren’t always fun; here is where the problem lies.</p>

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<p>You’ve tried every form of talking to him but have you actually DONE anything? His monthly food allowance gets docked $25 for the overdraft fee. Boys like to eat; this he’d notice. He has no money to travel for his extra curricular activities this month because he had to pay $50 to the management company for his late rent. You explain to him (cheerfully, no anger or nagging) that his free ride ends the day he graduates, and he needs to find the time to put together his resume, go to career services for some interviewing training, etc.</p>

<p>Once he realizes you are serious-- and that you will not be supporting him once he graduates, he will get moving. Until then- why bother?</p>

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<p>This could be a medical problem, especially if his irresponsibility and excessive sleeping have recently gotten worse. Is there a way to get him to a Dr. to see whether he has come down with clinical depression and/or some other problem?</p>

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<p>Even for a super-busy absent-minded senior, this seems extreme. Are you sure there are no addictions or substance abuse problems going on? If he has always been irresponsible, then maybe it’s just a pattern catching up to him, but being fired, flunking a class and consistently late on rent is a pretty big red flag. I would be very concerned. Any of these things can happen once, but the fact that he can’t seem to get it together strikes me as something more going on than just too many ECs.</p>

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<p>I agree that he could have depression, anxiety, or a substance abuse problem. He may be very nervous about growing up, graduating, and having the responsibility of finding and keeping a job so he may be sabotaging himself sub-consciously by flunking a class or losing a job. </p>

<p>A conversation with him is definitely in order. I hope everything works out for the best.</p>

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<p>^^ agreeing with carly135.</p>

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<p>Has he ever been tested for a learning disability? One of my kids is heading in this week for some ADHD testing, and your son’s list of his problems is very, very similar to items on the questionnaire for an adult ADHD patient (my kid is over 18, so had the adult questionnaire now).</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry. It sounds more like anxiety than depression. And really, for any kid who has a less than straightforward major leading to a straightforward job after graduation, it can take awhile for a young adult to figure out “what I want to be when I grow up”. There is a lot of anxiety produced when graduation is near, and you still haven’t figured it out.</p>

<p>My oldest graduated in May, 2013. Here’s what happened since winter break of 2012:</p>

<p>He double majored in “I want to live in my parents’ basement forever” (English and Anthropology). English because he is very skilled at whipping out research papers and loves to read. Anthropology because he really liked the classes. In January of 2013… With one semester left… He had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do after graduation. Well, he and his GF were in the midst of planning a month long backpacking trip through Europe for the summer after graduation, but after THAT he was clueless. He knew that he DIDN’T want a desk job… But other than that…</p>

<p>He took a class during the spring of his senior year that appears to have changed his life. We’re keeping our fingers crossed. Through a writing class mentoring high school students at a low income high school, he discovered that he is a natural teacher, kids really like him, and he loves working with students. </p>

<p>The professor of that class suggested he apply to a related job, which he did. He was hired for a year long teaching position (tutoring reading), which he has loved. He is presently in the midst of filling out applications for several different Masters Degree programs. </p>

<p>It was the last semester of his senior year that he began to figure it out… </p>

<p>Having said that, he actually IS living in our basement right now to save money. We wouldn’t dream of kicking him out. He is able to save some money by living with us. He would be on food stamps if he was living in a city apartment on what he’s earning. It just worked out that way. A few years ago I would have been among the “kick him out” crowd, but life is great at throwing curveballs at our preconceived notions. (He did pay his own way for a month in Europe after graduation. He had been saving part of his paychecks for a long time.)</p>

<p>I could also tell you about my husband, who is now a physician, but was a school bus driver when we got married. LOL</p>

<p>Some people are later bloomers than others…</p>

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<p>I think it sounds like either depression or he doesn’t want to graduate because he doesn’t know what he wants to do… so if he messes up enough he can avoid graduating and making that decision.</p>

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<p>Re: bill paying I think that a lot of kids who have been weaned on ATM cards and online bill pay are clueless when it comes to the organizational skill of write check, find envelope, stamp, address, put together and mail. Sometimes the mountain of actual paperwork is overwhelming. </p>

<p>Maybe some help with getting all the pieces together and modeling the behavior, or helping him with a “financial committee meeting” and showing him how it’s done in the big grown up world would make a difference.</p>

<p>If you can get one little piece of this under control, maybe the other pieces will be easier?</p>

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<p>I want to say check for substance abuse but, well, I was a very late bloomer as well. Very. Ask him if he’s doing drugs, basically, “Kid what the heck is wrong with you?” Does he owe you money for the late rent? He needs to get a job. Oh and be evaluated for depression (if you don’t think it’s a substance issue).</p>

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<p>I used to be a much more vociferous member of the “kick them out” crowd too, until recent developments in my high school senior’s life, as well as seeing what some of our friends are going through with their older kids, has softened that position somewhat. That being said, as was mentioned by several others, your first job is to make sure your son is not having substance abuse problems. If that is not the case, it certainly sounds like he needs some very clear and structured goals and rules. What about offering to pay for a career counselor to help him get started on his job search?</p>

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<p>cbug, I hear you and am living a similar story with younger S. Was supposed to graduate this spring, took a semester off last winter to deal w/depression & anxiety and will now be part of the class of 2015 (and will need an extra semester to boot).</p>

<p>No substance abuse here, same lack of attention to organization, details of daily living, doing the minimum in classes (and the grades show it), not much movement towards finding an internship this summer.</p>

<p>Also has ADD-inattentive, significant executive function issues and never had accommodations in school. (Teachers tended to work with him and there was enough structure at home that he could get his work done and do well enough to get into some great schools.) But add having to manage one’s life…well, it’s gone to hell in a handbasket.</p>

<p>After spending three years frantically worrying about him and feeling like I owe it to him to help (this is the kid who saved my life when I had the heart attack, so there are a LOT of emotions involved), my counselor has told me I have to let him figure it out and let him feel the urgency and anxiety of what needs to be done. Am still struggling to figure out how to be supportive and yet draw the line.</p>

<p>Sending you hugs. I know this is hard for you.</p>

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<p>This sounds so very much like a friend who battles depression. You can’t punish that away. He may have been able to cover it for awhile but once he started down that vortex, hasn’t been able to pull out like he did in the past. The combination of the failing class, lost job and sleeping till noon are more than just a Peter Pan kid. Talk to him without yelling or judgement and help him find treatment for whatever is going on.</p>

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<p>It’s always sad to read a story like this. I know it must be hard as a parent to see this happening.</p>

<p>Are these behaviors new or has he been struggling for a while? Has he not paid rent before, has he flunked a class before, etc.? I would not press him to be financially independent in 12 weeks. I know lots of kids who have graduated with excellent degrees and impressive resumes, who could not find a good job for a long time. And a minimum wage job is not exactly financial independence - it is barely surviving if one has to pay rent, utilities, groceries, gas, etc. As others have mentioned, you have higher priorities. This is beyond absent-minded. I would let him know you are concerned about him, and ask him why he is suddenly behaving like this (if it is new behavior). Maybe you will get some insight. And yes, anxiety, depression, substance abuse all come to mind. Again, these are your more immediate concerns IMO. </p>

<p>If he has been sleeping past noon all through college, I’m not sure how he has earned a degree.</p>

1 Like
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<p>Thank you all for your wonderful insights. I’m sure it is not substance abuse. He has a few beers now and again like any college student but I know there are no drugs involved. As far as ADD, his dad and I have suspected this but he has never been officially diagnosed. A couple of years ago he did get a prescription for an anti-depressant but quit taking it because he said the meds never made him feel different or better. I however wonder how often he remembered to take the meds.</p>

<p>He is going to check in tomorrow. I’m going to strongly suggest he get some counseling and hope that this takes us somewhere. I feel guilty now that we didn’t pursue this avenue sooner. It’s so sad because he is so gifted but he just doesn’t seem to have the stamina or the self awareness to take advantage of what he’s been blessed with.</p>

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<p>I love how whenever any kid or parent posts about some problem they or their kid has, no matter what the problem is, someone suggests that it’s a learning disability. One day someone’s gonna come in and say their kid broke their foot and someone will suggest they get tested for a learning disability. Does anyone know why this forum has this insane affinity for calling everything a learning disability?</p>

<p>TC, I don’t have any insight or way to help, sorry. But seriously, it’s not a learning disability.</p>