How Can I Help My Parents?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I was inspired by a thread on this forum to see the error of my ways - I finally recognize myself for what I am. A total leech! Here is the story:</p>

<p>I was depressed my senior year of high school, much of which had to do with being gay and closeted. Both of my parents are also very homophobic. My dream school in the city would have been a great education and of course had a thriving gay community. My parents were unaware of this. I suffered my last year of high school comparitively speaking, but graduated with ~3.1. Due to my depression, my parents forced me to attend the state university on scholarship rather than my dream school a plane ride away. I was furious, resentful, and torn, despite knowing my parents had only my best interests at heart. </p>

<p>Now they are paying room and board (I am on a full-tuition scholarship) and anything else that strikes my fancy, including a car, expensive summer programs and classes, clothes, textbooks, spending money, and even hinted at shouldering much of my grad school costs. But I was an ass. I thought they "owed" me all of this for misunderstanding me. I treated them like crap, constantly coming down on my more sensitive mom about how upset and heartbroken I was that she kept me from my dreams - just because I knew it made her upset, 'cause I felt like it was karma or something. I don't know. I continued to take money from them, enrolling in a $3,000 summer class and shunning employment. </p>

<p>But I realize that I can't fault them for what they didn't know, and I can't treat them like crap when they are literally treating me like a prince. I want to start taking responsibility, but I'm hitting a roadblock. Because of my lackluster senior yr performance, I am uncomfortable about working my first semester at school. In addition, I wish to participate in an expensive summer program next year to continue working on achieving fluency in the highly sought-after language I have begun studying this summer. I know I can't have my cake and eat it, too. But I want to be in a financially secure position when I graduate so that I am not only 100% done leeching, but can also even lend THEM money when they need it, or help fund some of the expensive projects they like to undertake. I may be resentful of them right now, but I have always dreamed about being able to "turn the tables", i.e. be the one to buy them the Christmas present they always wanted, be the one to help them achieve their dreams. As much as I feel like they owe me right now (and I'm getting over that, really), I feel like I owe them later, you know? </p>

<p>I just want to know what I can do. I'm obviously gonna cut the attitude, help out around the house whenever I can, get a job second semester if all goes well, and refuse the car. But I feel like it's all too little, too late, and I may still be being too selfish. My father has not spoken to me for a month. My dilemma, in short, is that I want to make up for being an ass, I want to start taking responsibility, but at the same time don't want to sacrifice the opportunities that my parents are literally handing me on a silver platter.</p>

2

<p>Good for you for recognizing all of this, and realizing that you don't want it any more! There are a number of things you can do, which are not "too little, too late" - you're only 18 or 19 - there's a long life ahead for you and your parents.</p>

<p>First - write your parents a letter (not an e-mail, not typed, but in your own handwriting), acknowledging your poor behavior towards them and apologizing for it. You don't have to come out to them if you don't want to, but you do have to say, "I'm sorry for acting so badly and for hurting you needlessly." Then tell them, in no uncertain terms, that you realize how much they are doing for you, giving you, and perhaps even sacrificing for you, and that you appreciate it and love them.</p>

<p>Second - do the best you can with the opportunities you now have. Don't squander them. Don't blow off classes or work - live up to the potential they obviously see in you. That doesn't mean all A's; just that you do your best. Seek out ways to expand your knowledge, skills, relationships, contacts - don't wait for them to come to you. </p>

<p>Third - cut down on unnecessary expenses. Don't drive more than you have to (if you need the car at all). Don't buy new clothes. Cut down on social activities that cost. Buy used books or ones over the internet. </p>

<p>Fourth - see if it's possible to do your summer program and work as well - part time. If you're doing well after first semester, try to get a job for second semester.</p>

<p>Last - keep up this great attitude, and show it with your parents! Make it so that they love having you around!</p>

3

<p>I hope you also have joined a campus or community for gays so you can get the support that you need. Even on large public universities in conservative parts of the country, you can find such groups.</p>

4

<p>Can your parents afford what they're giving you? Are they so happy that you have a full-tuition scholarship that they are willing to give you the car, summer classes, etc.? Or are they putting themselves/your younger siblings (if any) in a bad position by giving you too much?</p>

<p>I think you should THANK your parents for all they've given you. And apologize for not showing your appreciation and a better attitude sooner. Let them know you want to change that and stick with it. </p>

<p>Don't make promises (about helping them in the future, etc.) that you might not be able to keep. An apology and repeated thank you's would show your parents that you recognize their sacrifices.</p>

5

<p>Why not sit down with your parents and share your feelings with them? That is a good first step. Let them know that you are sorry you have been acting selfish and underappreciative. Tell them you appreciate all they are doing for you and that you would like to change your attitude and take more responsibility for your actions. I'll bet they will be very happy to hear you say these things. Hopefully, it will repair your relationship with them and you can start on a new chapter together.
Good luck!</p>

6

<p>First, thank you all for reading that very long post. All of you gave such amazing advice. I loved the idea to write a letter and the reminder to not make promises I can't keep. I will definitely keep those things in mind.</p>

<p>Are there any other ways (besides apologizing, getting a job second semester, doing well in school, and being frugal) to show my parents that I respect them and want to help them? My father especially thinks I am a terrible person, because I never really did chores and I have to admit that I've been bratty for years. But now I won't be at home to make up for lost time :/. So I am kinda at loss for what to do that will really make an impact, when I'm off in a dorm having a blast and they're still at home working.</p>

<p>
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Can your parents afford what they're giving you?

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</p>

<p>Yes. But I think they were less so happy about my scholarship and more, um, guilted into it. Between me moaning about hating the school I am going to and demanding "compensation", there wasn't really a lot of time for being proud of me, I don't think ><.</p>

7

<p>"besides apologizing, getting a job second semester, doing well in school, and being frugal) to show my parents that I respect them and want to help them? "</p>

<p>Those all would be major things for you to do for your parents. As a mom who has had major problems with my older S who did some of the things that you've done to your parents, I would be thrilled beyond belief if he did any of the things that you plan to do.</p>

<p>You also could pitch in without being asked to do chores when you're home for vacations, and you could send your parents an occasional e-mail or call letting them know how much you love and appreciate them.</p>

<p>It also would be nice if you gave thema meaningful gift for the winter holidays or their birthdays. This gift needn't be expensive, but should be extra thoughtful, and include a handwritten note of apprciation from you. Perhaps the gift could be a labor of love like you're buying the paint and doing the work to paint a room that they've said needed painting. </p>

<p>Another gift could be the gift of time with you, something that is very precious to loving parents. That could be something like your taking them to a movie that they'd enjoy seeing.</p>

8

<p>Apologize.
Thank them.
Thank them again.
Then make them a great dinner. Or just a regular dinner.
Call often.
Share your experiences: tell them what you learned in your fancy $3000 summer program and how lucky you feel having been able to do it.
Tell them about your classes, your friends, your adventures. </p>

<p>And as you rebuild your relationship with your parents, don't be TOO hard on yourself. Many if not most of us went through a 'jerk' period as teens. Not many of us realized it as early on as you have. You sound like a sensitive, insightful young woman and they should be very proud of you, and will be, as soon as you give them the chance.</p>

9

<p>More than big grand gestures, other than a possible apology for being entirely self-involved, the impressive behaviour will be the little tiny things you do every day showing you not only want to be more mature, but are making an effort every day to be more mature.</p>

<p>One of my Ds caused some real problems, different than yours, but there was a time of ungrateful 7 wasteful behavious. It is the ability to look back over a year or two and see the steady consistent improvement in maturity and responsiblity that is helpful. Your parents probably would like to see you as an independent mature young adult.</p>

<p>I am sure you are dealing with all sorts of emotional "stuff" to do with coming out etc., but gay or straight, you need to live as a responsible adult; gay or straight, you need to manage your life.</p>

<p>Sharing your life is a great gift, too. I cannot speak to your coming out, your parents and your relationship, but even if you are not ready to come out to them, you can share details about life in an unemotional way, by emailing notes. That can remove some of the drama that may be seeping into the interchanges; you probably ahve all sorts of weird feelings about should I / should I not tell them, but they don't know what the heck is wrong......or maybe they kinda know somewhere inside something is off, but are not really aware.</p>

<p>My H had very emotionally abusive parents with whom he wanted a relationaship, so I endeavoured to help with that. for many years, I kept them involved via email/fax notes, as phone calls made me want to scream. It worked, they are still as odd as ever, though les harmful at their now elderly stage; but they felt involved, whilst I kept some sanity!</p>

<p>If you do stay at home- even only for a school break, try not to treat it as a hotel, even if you feel like you are barely there, put the dishes away, sweep the floor, keep your bathrom clean, show them you consider yourself part of the family team. My H is continually frustrated with the "flophouse" feeling- the kids just eat & sleep and he does all the work, so notice some work and do it, offer to help your dad with a project you don't hate too much.</p>

<p>You never know, they may begin to se you as more of an adult ;) And treat you as such!</p>