I am putting this in the parents thread so you can maybe help me see this from my dad’s perspective.My father is a physician and despite having very low grades was able to get into one of the most selective schools in the country so I think that he thinks that college is not hard to get into.We live in an affluent community where everyone goes to well-known colleges and he has the impression that I can get into a good school.He is trying to make me and my sisters visit colleges in the summer despite the fact that we are only sophomores right now.He will mention colleges in the car and start listing off colleges he think I would like;Pomona,Brandeis,Tufts,Bowdoin,Amherst,Haverford,Middleburg,etc.It is stressing me out because I know I would have an extremely low chance of getting in and his constant badgering does not help.How do I explain to him that those are not realistic and he needs to lower his standards?I tried to casually mention UNH and Providence College and he immediately shuts it down and says I am academically better than that.
I am a parent. I think you should agree that visiting the colleges is a good idea especially the ones that are within driving distance. You and your sisters can see what different types of colleges look like and feel like. This info will help you in your college search even if you aren’t quite academically at the tier of the colleges your father is pushing. Once you have ACT/SAT scores, your GC can help form a list of realistic options. Your father is probably also basing his list on what he remembers about colleges when he applied. He doesn’t realize yet how much things have changed and how competitive the process has become. You could also suggest stops at schools that aren’t quite so competitive.
So don’t overthink right now. It would almost be worse if your dad were suggesting you visit schools well beneath your potential. I know people this has happened to!
I find that hard to believe unless he was a recruited athlete.
I’d just go on the trips…it’ll be fun…and who’s to say that you don’t fall in love with them…and you’ll be starting college there in two years!
I agree with Txstella. Since it’s the summer before junior year, you can visit schools just to get a feel for the type of environment you would like. For my daughter, the first round of visits included big universities (UCLA, UCSD, USC) and small liberal arts colleges (Claremont consortium and Occidental). As we traveled we tried to visit colleges that were nearby, such as Georgetown while on a vacation to DC and Northwestern when at a wedding in Chicago. These trips made my D realize that her preference was for a LAC. So don’t stress out or overthink this right now. On the other hand, some of the schools you list do care about demonstrated interest. Especially with LAC’s, if you visit, be sure to drop into the admissions office even if you don’t take an official tour. They usually have a form to fill out to request info, and it essentially records your visit. The schools you say your dad listed are mostly LAC’s. Go ahead and visit some. You may decide the LAC environment is not for you, and you may prefer a bigger university setting. In a year you will have a better sense of your preferred environment, not to mention your GPA, class rank, test scores, etc. Then you will be in a better position to make a balanced list of schools to actually apply to. And if your dad attends some of the info sessions, he also may have a reality check about how competitive they are.
Have your spoken with your GC about colleges that may be appropriate? I realize it is a bit early. Maybe you have Naviance access to where others at your school with your grades and test scores go. Did you take the PSAT this year? Anyway maybe a meeting with the GC can help. Also people don’t need to get into the hardest school they can get into, so you could plant the seed that you are interested in schools where you can feel comfortable and be successful at rather than be stressed and at the bottom of the pile. Mostly you should just manage your own stress. Just yes him to some extent. Have some visits. Make sure for every school he wants you get one pick at least. And the chips will fall where they may.
If you and he are fine with big research universities, you can drop the names of some well-respected unis that aren’t very difficult (for Americans) to get in to but carry some prestige in some circles like UW-Madison, McGill, UToronto, Edinburgh, and St. Andrews.
Go visit a couple of them with your dad. At the information session, you’ll both hear info about admissions rates. Ask what the admissons rate in the regular round (vs. early decision) is if the info session doesn’t say. You’ll probably hear info re scores and GPA. Ask some other questions–how many recruited athletes are there in a given class; how many legacies; it the school has either Posse or Questbridge and, if so, how many kids are admitted through those programs eah year. These #s may serve as a reality check for your dad.
Just apply to your colleges as safeties and his colleges as reaches and let it all sort out.
It is only really a problem if he refuses to allow you to apply to, or refuses to pay for, any college that could be a safety or match.
@TomSrOfBoston He went to a really good public high school,had a high SAT score and was really rich but was a slacker and it was probably way easier to get into in the '80s.
You’ve received some good ideas. Good luck, as I can see how this puts pressure on you. I doubt your dad has any idea that his comments make you stressed or feel worried that you can’t live up to his expectations. My advice is to tell him.
If you could find time to talk a walk or do something just the two of you, and then talk honestly. Tell him that all the talk about prestigious colleges is stressing you out, and you’re worried that he will be disappointed if you don’t get into one of his preferred schools. Tell him that you will certainly apply to some reaches (which makes sense for anyone) but that you also want to be sure to look at schools that are maybe a little less selective so that you have some balance, and some comparison, and some choices if things don’t go as well as you’d like.
You are only a sophomore, and I wonder if some of this talk is your dad’s way of trying to make you study harder and do well in high school. Assuring him that you will work hard now and do your best might make him back off a bit.
Find out if your school has Naviance. If it does you’ll be able to show him the scatterplots and you and he will both be able to see which school are completely out of reach and at which you have some chance. When we looked at scatterplots for my youngest, we realized his grades and scores were actually better than we thought. He didn’t get into the reachiest schools he applied to, but he did get into several where we thought his chances were pretty low. You’ve got plenty of time to put together a list. In the meantime you could find some of those articles about how much harder it is to get into college now, or show him how many A+ students on CC have gotten rejected from the schools he is suggesting.
If your dad is a physician, he must have some understanding of how difficult it is to get into top schools. He must have had some special hook or he is not being honest about “very low grades”. He would not have gotten into an elite college, even 20 years ago, without a decent GPA (or a major hook).
Many parents do not realize where their kids stand in terms of college admissions. No harm in visiting some of these schools. Typically they explain what they are looking for in applicants. If the admissions counselor says they are looking for mostly As in a rigorous curriculum from high school and you barely have a B with no honors classes, you could mention that to your dad. I would also be up front with him, that it is stressing you out to think he will be unhappy if you don’t get into a very competitive college.
As others have said, your guidance counselor should also help come up with a list. If your dad continues to be unreasonable, have a talk with your gc and get some advice.
Are you a triplet (since you said sisters and that you were sophomores)?
@mom2and, the '80’s is more than 20 years ago. He doesn’t seem to understand that college admissions have gotten far more competitive in the past 30+ years. Back in the '80’s, UPenn, Northwestern, and UChicago (and maybe Columbia as well; maybe some other elites) had acceptance rates at or above 50% and there wasn’t nearly as much grade inflation, so a 3.0 HS GPA wasn’t all that bad.
Make him your assistant in the search process. Delegate everything to him. Make sure to list HIS email address to the PSAT, ACT, SAT, etc registration. Look up every school he mentions and sign HIM up for emails and fact books.
Ask him to organize the information in folders and build spreadsheets with admission data and financial costs.
Chances are that he will give up a long time before you get sick of it!
PS There a few reasons to involve the GC as he or she won’t be able to sway your father, and probably has nothing meaningful to add – at least nothing that a smart kid armed with an internet connection could not find out. Obviously, you did find THIS site and this forum!
And it could be worse as many GCs are utterly clueless and might agree with your father.
Yes I am a triplet.Thank you everyone for all suggestions!I only see my dad twice a week so we aren’t that close so it will be hard for me to talk to him but I will try,I’m going to try to find “match” schools that he would approve of.
Triplet? Well, look at the bright side … all of you will be instantly memorable to the adcoms who read your files. And your dad memorable to the financial aid officers!
Trip to Pomona? Sure! Tell him you’d also like to see Oxford and Trinity (Dublin) and maybe the University of Hawaii too.
Really, I don’t think he’s wrong to start looking. With three of you, that’s a lot of looking. You’ll be able to decide if you like small, large, urban, rural, cold, hot. You may also find things that a certain school has that the ones he’s steering you toward don’t, like a program abroad or an honors program or a sports team. If he sees it, he may understand and then get on board for that school too. If there are other schools in an area you want to visit, put them on the trip.
If there are three of you who will be headed into college at the same time, money could become a very important. So have a chat with both of your parents about that too.