Help with an overbearing parent

Parents Forum
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<p>I know this is the "Parents Forum," but I am a rising senior applying to college and need some advice as to how to handle my dad, who is driving me absolutely crazy with this admissions process.</p>

<p>I like to think of myself as a relatively good student; 4.6 GPA, 2120 on the SAT, Editor-in-Chief of my school's newspaper, etc. I love the area where I live in (Raleigh, NC) and don't intend to move out-of-state for college. I only want to apply to Appalachian State (as an absolute last resort), NC State, UNC-Chapel Hill (ideally), and Duke (as a reach), as they are all schools where I can see myself at and are fairly realistic for my stats. </p>

<p>I had always planned on applying to these four schools - until my dad got involved with the process. Now, the list has grown to 13 schools (Appalachian, Duke, UNC, NC State, Wake Forest, UVA, William and Mary, Emory, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, Brown, Columbia). I haven't visited the campuses of even half of these schools, and really have no desire to attend any besides the schools which I initially wanted to apply to. He also wants me to apply to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Stanford, "just to see" if I'll get in.</p>

<p>Not only does my dad want me to apply to all those schools, he also wants me to apply early action to every single one. His logic is a bit flawed ("You may not even get into NC State!") but if I'm not "good enough" for NC State, why would I get accepted to schools which are all essentially Ivy League-type universities? I attend a top public high school, but the number of seniors who apply to more than 10 schools are very few and far between.</p>

<p>How should I go about handling this? I don't want to upset my dad, but at the same time, I don't see why I should waste my time laboring over an application of a school which I don't want to go to.</p>

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<p>Your Dad is trying to open your horizons. You should give him that.</p>

<p>You sound like a bright student. You should see what’s behind your reach, and take a look. Otherwise, you are selling yourself short.</p>

<p>You may ultimately decide to stay at home. But you need to see what the benefits are in some of the more challenging environs beyond your home base.</p>

<p>And, you may get to have some great road trips with Dad, eat some cool food, visit some new places, and meet some students whose experiences are really different from yours.</p>

<p>You only get to make this choice once. Jump right in!</p>

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<p>Wow…For me, it was easy cause I was going to my mom’s alma mater, so she had no issues with it. =P</p>

<p>I wish I could help you, but I can’t think of anything besides just trying to talk to him and saying “Dad, I appreciate your help, but I need to make this decision for me, to find the best fit for me.” </p>

<p>It will also help if you have visited NC and really can’t see yourself anywhere else. Maybe also suggest a compromise, that you will go visit some of the schools your dad wants you to look at and you will go into each visit with an open mind, if he leaves the decision to apply up to you at the end of the visit.</p>

<p>Only you know your dad, and how he will react to how you approach him.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Some compromise might be in order with your dad here. It’s understandable that he wants you to have lots of options come April. </p>

<p>Perhaps you could suggest that doing too many applications would stretch you thin–you won’t be able to give each one the time it deserves, and that will hurt your chances at all of your schools. Could you give your dad a limited number of applications he gets to choose (say, 3 schools in addition to the 4 you want to apply to), or tell him to make up a list of schools he wants you to apply to, and you’ll choose some predetermined number of them to apply to (say, 4 out of his list of 9). That way he’ll feel like he’s had a say, given you some more options, and you’ll feel like you have a manageable list.</p>

5

<p>You might mention to your dad that applying to 13 schools will cost anywhere from $600 to $1,000. My son applied to 11. We made a deal – he had to pick up the cost for one half of the applications.</p>

<p>Doing all those applications means that you really need to spread yourself thin, so you may not do your best with all the essays you need to write. That may cost your admission at some of the schools to which you apply. Try using that as an argument, too.</p>

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<p>I think it’s one thing if your dad was pushing you to go to one particular school. What your dad is doing is giving you more options. As a parent, I like to give my kids as many options as possible. I don’t want my kid to say to me one day, “Why didn’t you push me to do this, or tell me to try this?” It is still a long way from April, you may all of sudden decide Columbia is the school for you. Looking at your dad’s list, it’s really not that different than yours, just more. He is not pushing you to apply to all NE schools when you are more interested in southern schools. He is right that even with your good stats, you may not get into Chapel Hill or Duke. You ask why you would be able to get into other schools if you couldn’t get into Chapel Hill or Duke, reasons - luck, location.</p>

<p>Tell your dad that most of those schools do not have early action, except NC maybe rolling. Don’t apply ED if you want to keep your options open.</p>

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<p>Your father is trying to show you that there’s a world beyond Raleigh … and he’s not even going all that far, as many of those other schools are still in the general southeast part of the US. Is there harm in keeping an open mind? Maybe one or two of them will catch your interest.</p>

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<p>I only wish I’d been able to get my S to look at more schools. He only went to three, and two of those I had to drag him by the hair!</p>

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<p>My mom was very laid back about the whole process. I only went to visit 3 schools, and my sister only visited 1. I think we both only applied to two schools. Granted, our lists started off with a large number of schools on it, but we both narrowed our choices down to ones we most loved. No complaints from either of us, we both love the schools we ended up at. You all have so much pressure put on you, and it seems to make the application process more stressful than it already is to begin with! For as unemotional as my mom is about most things, I’m glad this was an area she didn’t put heavy pressure on me about, because I found the right fit for me all on my own.</p>

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<p>Some of these are still pretty close to home–William and Mary, UVA, and Wake Forest, for instance–and you’d be a plausible candidate at all three.</p>

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<p>This one’s easy. It’s not possible to apply to each of them early action, because not all of them have EA. Several have the more restrictive ED, where if you are accepted you MUST attend the school and withdraw all pending applications to other schools. This is only a good idea if you love the ED school above all others, so it’s not a good choice for you (UNC-CH has an early deadline but is not ED).</p>

<p>You’ll also want to ask your father about exactly how much your family will be able to afford to spend on your college education. If you haven’t run an Expected Family Contribution calculator yet, do so. If your family has a high EFC but can’t afford to pay that much, then schools which only award need-based aid (e.g. Brown and Columbia) may be unaffordable.</p>

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<p>Your list is very reasonable. Most parents would be happy to have a student who knew what they wanted at this point. UNC - Chapel Hill is a great school–not sure why your dad wouldn’t want you to go there. (or Duke, if you get in) Is cost a factor?</p>

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<p>There are more issues to be considered…</p>

<p>1) will your dad pay for whatever school you’ll get accepted to? </p>

<p>2) if your dad hasn’t said how much he’ll pay each year, then ask!</p>

<p>3) What will your family’s likely FAFSA EFC and CSS Profile family contribution be?
If you don’t know…<br>
FA Calc<br>
[FinAid</a> | Calculators | Expected Family Contribution (EFC) and Financial Aid](<a href=“Your Guide for College Financial Aid - Finaid”>Expected Family Contribution (EFC) Calculator - Finaid) </p>

<p>4) If money is a concern, which are your financial safety schools (schools that you KNOW that you can afford and will get accepted). </p>

<p>5) Are you applying to any schools that will give you know will give you merit scholarships for your stats? If money is not a concern, then this may not be desired.</p>

<p>6) Applying to that many schools will cost a lot of money and time. I would start with my favs and financial safeties, so that if I ran out of time…oh well…</p>

<p>4.6 GPA, 2120 on the SAT,</p>

<p>Your SAT is not high enough for strong elite school consideration. What is the breakdown of your SAT? Your chances for NC State are very strong as long as you do the app correctly.</p>

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<p>OP, you’ve already rcv’d great advice. I don’t think your dad is saying, as someone mentioned above, that he doesn’t want you to go to any of those schools; he just seems to want you to expand your horizons. You both sound quite reasonable. </p>

<p>You’re correct that 13 is a lot, so compromise with him. Tell him you’ll apply to seven – your four and three of your choosing from his list. That’s not an outrageous amount. Make sure he understands this is not an agreement to go to WF instead of UNC if you get into both. But also, keep an open mind; you might really like some of these other schools once you really investigate them. Choices come next spring is a GOOD thing. :)</p>

<p>Good luck and let us know how it all turned out.</p>

<p>ETA: Totally unsolicited advice here – to increase your chances at your reach, I’d take the SAT again.</p>

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<p>^good advice. I retook mine and got 150 points higher the second time.</p>

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<p>I think your Dad is being unreasonable about the number of schools he wants you to apply to. I would call Duke a reach and UNC a match/low reach for you. I think you’ll be fine at App and NC State. I would discuss with your dad how time consuming applications are and tell him that you don’t have that many hours in a day and you do not want your grades to suffer. Definitely bring in the money issue. If you don’t get anywhere, appeal to another adult whose opinion he trusts to help intervene for you. Also, think about setting up an appointment for both of you to meet with the school counselor to talk about realistic options for you.</p>

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<p>As a parent who wants her kids to look “wide” and “far”, I understand where you dad is coming from.</p>

<p>I urge you to:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Look at the Financial angle, as many have said. Cost of apps, cost of sending SAT scores, EFC, average aid/merit and chances of getting those at each school.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider why he wants you to apply EA. Is it to force you to not procrastinate? Is it to give you some confidence of early acceptances? I am a a believer in rolling admissions & EA. I think every student should apply to at least 1 school using these methods.</p></li>
<li><p>Look at the schools your Dad is suggesting. Create an excel sheet. Do side-by-side comparisons of your 4 schools to some of his. Consider travel costs and Cost of living too. </p></li>
<li><p>take a deep breath – he is trying to help. I know there is a fine line between running your life and helping at this age.</p></li>
<li><p>Once you have done all the above, now you can sit down with your Dad and discuss what you like & dislike about each school. He is more apt to listen why you don’t want to apply after you have evaluated each school for its merits and not just its location. Then ask him to tell you why he choose these particular schools. Give specifics why you wish to stay in your region.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Be proud that he finds you a viable candidate for so many schools! It sounds like he wants you to broaden your horizons and realize you have opportunities. Since you haven’t visited many schools, he may just think you have never considered college to have so many opportunities.</p>

<p>I do suggest you at least visit some of the schools on his list if your schedules allow. Parents can have the same reaction as kids – love a school on paper, but not in person. And have him visit schools on your list too!</p>

<p>Show him the app process – I used to think the app process was easier now given computers & the Common App, however after going through materials with my neice, I’ve realized it isn’t a simply copy paste form one to the other.</p>

<p>He has listed some difficult schools to get into – UVA and W & M for OOS is not impossible for your stats, but certainly not a shoe-in acceptance.</p>

<p>Yes, he has thrown a huge wrench into the situation, but don’t be upset. Be thankful he wants to be involved. Keep him involved. Get him to come chat with us.</p>

<p>And finally – I urge you to let him pick at least one you are willing to apply to no questions asked.</p>

18

<p>Well, DS wanted school X with all his heart after visiting it (and some other schools) the spring of his junior year.</p>

<p>We encouraged him to apply to other places. He applied to seven others, more or less willingly. We visited all but one of those seven others, at considerable expense and inconvenience in some cases.</p>

<p>He was admitted in October to school X, which is rolling.</p>

<p>He eventually was admitted to six, and waitlisted for one, of the others.</p>

<p>He chose school X.</p>

<p>Maybe all of that extra effort and expense was worthwhile. Frankly, though, I doubt it. As far as he was concerned, imho, the college process was over once he got in to college X.</p>

<p>YMMV.</p>

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<p>For the comparison sheet in excel, this might be helpful: <a href=“http://www.xavier.edu/undergraduate-admission/visit-xavier/documents/college-scorecard.pdf[/url]”>http://www.xavier.edu/undergraduate-admission/visit-xavier/documents/college-scorecard.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I realize it has a whole column specified for Xavier University, but it’s more for the example of items to look at when comparing schools, the characteristics listed in the first column. Otherwise you could try google searching “college scorecard” and see what you come up with but you’ll likely find the same criteria included on the XU scorecard. In no way is this intended to be a plug for XU; it’s just a resource I knew of and happens to have the name on it.</p>

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<p>Money is no object for him. My parents both make a sustainable income that will allow me to go to whatever college I want to go to. I think everyone else who has posted is correct in saying that he doesn’t want me to sell my self short; I was just surprised when he presented such a long list of schools, as I’d think that most parents would be happy with their son or daughter telling them that they want to stay near home. I’m not totally against applying to different schools in other states, but it’s just hard to find the motivation to do so when they’re places I’ve never visited or even thought much of before.</p>