I was talking with my son today and he mentioned that he was beginning to save for a ring as he thought proposing would be soon (I think he meant later this year). We just had a nice discussion.
She’s a lovely young lady and I will be happy for them both. But afterwards I felt sad. I know it was sadness that this door of our lives is truly closing now. I’m thrilled to expand our family, I really am. I was sort of surprised at my feelings. I guess I’m glad to know beforehand this will probably happen this year, so I will have “grieved” the end of this chapter already, and look forward to the next.
Lol! Finally was my thought. My son and his now wife had lived together for 2 years and thought an engagement was forthcoming but dragged on. Found out after the fact that he took 8 months after getting a ring to build up the courage to propose. His now wife was getting frustrated because she knew he had the ring! My son is shy and a bit awkward, so we were thrilled he had met someone who appreciates him for who he is.
My daughter is 31 and we really like her boyfriend! Hoping he proposes sooner rather than later. But I think she would like that certainty of being engaged.
So no, I didn’t feel sad. Both of the kids have been on their own and with their significant others long enough that I’m hoping they became a part of our family.
I had my kid late. To me, all the milestones seem to come at a snail’s pace. I expect this will be no different if it ever comes. I have a feeling my kid is giving off a wrong impression.
I also had my kids late and only one out of three has a significant other, and even that one is recent and tenuous. I would be so happy if they had a true partner in life. (That said, two of them would never do the whole proposal/engagement/wedding thing anyway!)
Movies always seem to portray the father as being sad about losing the daughter to another man. It’s funny that father losing son, mother losing daughter or mother losing son doesn’t come up as much in popular media.
I think it’s great that you are recognizing the complex feelings involved and processing them!
I have one married - he just turned 29. Another has been dating someone for 3 1/2 years, she’s 32. My third will be 24 and is not dating (thanks pandemic!)
My married son dated his wife starting senior year in HS and all through college (at different colleges), waited almost a year after college graduation to get engaged. This was very much like H and I’s path. Long dating, long college years away from each other, etc. - I could remember that joy to FINALLY get the chance to be together. No sadness! His wife is like a 4th child to us - we still take trips together here and there and so I feel no loss!
Like @deb922 I am WAITING for D1, age 32 to get engaged - they will likely move in together (also FINALLY) later this summer. I think the marriage part is not as important to him as her - like many Europeans (and some of our European family) marriage is not a given to him though commitment is. I will also not be sad if/when they get engaged. I’ll be so happy for her.
Having a spouse doesn’t really change our family relationship or dynamics I don’t think. We (H and I) already have released their wings so to speak and place trust in their decisions. I’ll be honest, I think this is always what I wanted from my parents and didn’t really get it. Even at age 61 my 87 year old mom is always trying to tell me how I should do things! I don’t want that for my kids.
Our oldest daughter got engaged last October and we are planning the wedding for Spring 2022 (hoping to make sure Covid is long gone). They have been together for 5 years (since mtg the 1st day of college). We are beyond thrilled for both of them. He adores her, he is great with our other 2 children, he is a hard worker and he comes from a wonderful family. How can we ask for anything else!
I’m so happy my son is married. What I miss is the infrequencies of phone calls.
I’m sure the past year was complicated. They moved across country just before COVID hit. They haven’t yet been in their work place. Being isolated had to be hard. What is lovely is that they had each other. I can’t imagine the loneliness if my son had relocated by himself and then spent 1.5 years working from home.
I must be the the exception. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be very happy happy for him. I know I won’t feel that way with son #2, as it will already be different by then. I just think these chapters closing have always affected me.
I admit your post made me tear up a bit. My MIL absolutely HATES me and I honestly think the only reason is because DH married me. She was pleasant and kind to me right up until the moment he told her he asked me to marry him and I said yes. She turned and shot me a look that was full of daggers and in a voice filled with venom said she was glad they made maternity wedding gowns nowadays because he never would have asked to marry me otherwise. We will be celebrating #26 this fall and our only child is not yet 19…
I know you will do your very best @conmama to make this young woman feel like she is a beloved part of your family. Anything less is sure to cause your S some heartache.
My bil sold his cottage. He had it for 20 years and we spent many happy holidays there. With our kids and just my husband and I after they moved out of state.
I was prepared for the sale but seeing the listing surprised me how sad I felt. A segment of our lives is over. Spending time in a large house with grandparents, parents and kids was never going to happen. Grandkids weren’t going to be there. It hit me.
My bil and sil are splitting up after 30 years. Things won’t be the same, even though we knew things weren’t great. She was freezing his family out and so the cottage going was infrequent in the recent past. Doesn’t mean I’m not sad about what we used to have.
My MIL was also really nice to me until we got married. She wasn’t nasty, but there was a lot of jealousy that came out. I’m not like that. I’m happy they will get married and like I said to expand our family. They’ve been living together for awhile, so it’s not like I can’t let go. I let go years ago, he’s definitely not a mama’s boy. I’m not a hanger-on person by any means, and have always tried to foster their maturity into fine young men.
We talked about marriage and I told him 1) That his wife comes first and to never argue about us. That’s typical in young marriages when everyone is trying to navigate being part of a new family. 2) Gift buying for us is not her responsibility. That’s not fair to his family or her. My DH hasn’t bought his mom a gift in almost 28 years, I do it. She makes little snide comments every once in awhile in front of him “thank you Conmama”, when she opens something if we’re together. Mothers Day is on my brain 3)as long as each of them think of the others needs as important as their own, they should be fine.
Two of my three are married and the third has lived with his girlfriend for a couple years. The two that are married lived with their SO before getting married, so I was very happy when they finally got engaged. Part of that might come from having a sister who has lived with her boyfriend for over twenty years who has no plans of ever getting married. When my kids got serious or got engaged I actually felt a little relief. I like that they have someone that has their back. I worry less about them. I don’t have to stress about all the little things.
My D is only 20 and has no BF so I can’t directly relate other than to say it seems pretty normal to me to have some sadness about changes. Even positive, happy changes still cause stress.
Hugs to you @conmama. I’m sure you will be a wonderful MIL but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to move into this next phase of life.
Lol I’ve been married for 26 years, my husband hasn’t bought a gift for anyone since! He hates shopping, and really isn’t hood at picking out gifts (he’s wonderful in other areas). My mom did the same, my sister is still buying the gifts for her ex IL’s.
@conmama I remember when my first baby outgrew his first t-shirt. I was so happy he was growing but that was a first milestone and I also felt sad. It’s hard to explain some of our emotions but at times of transition, we may not only be gaining something, we may also be experiencing loss, or, at least, change. That well-known stress chart includes positive stress and changes too. And for me, milestones remind me of the passage of time (remember that Kodak commercial with “Where are you going, little one” theme song?
Our son has always been happiest when he’s in a relationship, and he has been dating his current GF for a year and a half now. Though we’ve only met her over FaceTime, she is very easy to talk to, and they appear to be quite compatible. However, he told us early on that he doesn’t think she’s “the one.” I thought that was an odd comment and that he was implying a breakup. That was a year ago, so I’m not sure what he’s thinking now. We will meet her when we finally visit him in August after he returns from a short deployment. We are so looking forward to it.
I just want our son to be happy, and I know I will be thrilled whenever he tells us he’s found the love of his life and wants to marry her. My MIL never accepted that her oldest had found a replacement for her (in her mind anyway) and we have, at best, a cordial but cool relationship. I’ve always told our son that I will love his future wife simply because she’s shown excellent taste in choosing and loving him. I don’t need to know anything more about her.
But, like @conmama, I feel pangs at passages no matter how positive they are. Marriage will be one of those milestones marking another notch on my child’s adult belt. I know he’s a man with a life of his own, but that man is still baby, toddler, child, and teenager in my heart’s vault. Is anyone hearing strains of “Sunrise, sunset…?”
ETA: Ha! @compmom–we were posting the same nostalgic perspective. I also think of “Watching Scotty Grow.”
Oh my! My mom used to sing that song to me as a child, and it always made me cry. I would try not to in front of her. I haven’t thought of it in years!
Mine aren’t engaged, but I understand @conmama 's feelings. That’s how I felt about them going off to college. I was so happy, but yet I really loved raising them and that chapter was now over. I think it’s just a reminder that time is moving on and will not last.
