<p>I'm 19 years old. I did one year at a university & then one semester at a community college, forced by my parents. My mom made a deal with me at the beginning of the semester that if I went to the community college & got my GPA up, I could go back to the university the following semester AND live on campus & that she would pay for it. WELL....I got my grades up to her standards. And now she is trying to back out of it, because OVER a year ago I told her I lost my virginity to my boyfriend that I'm currently still with after 15 months. And I was 18 when I lost it. Ever since it happened, she hasn't let it go, & uses it as an excuse to not let me go back to the university and live on campus. All because "I'm not a virgin." That's not something I can change. =/ My boyfriend goes there as well. I live with my mom & stepdad & they make ALOT of money, so money isn't even an issue. Before I started even started college, I was 17, & she was practically BEGGING me to live on campus. Now she's not only backing out of a deal she made with me, but she's backing out just because it's something I desperately want. I want to live on a college campus and experience what it's like to actually feel like a REAL college student. I came from a small high school & had a graduating class of 23 students. I told her that I'm the only person in my graduating class that is in college & lives with my parents. So she even went so far as to get out the school directory from my senior year & CALL the parents of all 23 of the students to make sure I was right!! I keep talking to her & she comes up with excuse after excuse as to why she won't let me, AND denies that she ever even made the deal with me. Saying that if I wanted to prove her right, I should have gotten it in writing. Please don't tell me to get financial aid because I don't qualify for any due to my parent's income. =/ Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>How far is the university from home and how much time does it take you to commute? If you can show her how it will affect your studies and extracurricular activities, she might be able to see how it would be better for you.</p>
<p>If you still have to commute, make a point to get very involved in campus activities. It will help you feel more a part of college, will give you an excuse to sometimes stay on campus with friends overnight to study, attend parties and functions, and it will help your parents get used to life without you in the house. </p>
<p>Finally, is there a possibility that your other parent will help you pay for room and board at the school? Now that you are going back to school, maybe you should sit down with your mother and make a contract. Get in writing what she will pay for, what grade average you must meet for full support, etc. Ask her to complete the FAFSA which would qualify you for Stafford loans in your name, so that you can use the funds to pay for part of the room and board. Undortunately when parents pay, they still have control over how their money is spent.</p>
<p>The university is about 30 minutes from home. I commuted for a year & yes, it is still a pain to drive every single day. And we have talked in the past about me living on campus and she was always for it, but she’s changed her mind now that I WANT to go. </p>
<p>Concerning getting involved on campus, they will not allow me to get involved on campus either if I don’t LIVE there. If I live there, they will allow me, but I’m not even allowed to live there. They barely let me go see friends or my boyfriend, and it has NOTHING to do with helping me focus on school. I say this because my mother is desperate to keep me at a community college 2 minutes from home, that is now statistically showing that job opportunities are slim for graduates of this community college. And I made great grades at the university as well. She also does things to try to get in my way of studying, because she thinks I’m instant messaging my boyfriend on my computer when I’m really writing a paper, taking quizzes etc. So it’s a very stressful study environment at my home.</p>
<p>My other parent has the money to pay for it, but his wife (my stepmom) does not allow him to support me. Concerning the FAFSA, they refuse to give me their tax information etc to help me get a loan because they don’t want me to get into debt. =/</p>
<p>Who is paying for the car to commute? That money could be spent on on campus housing if you gave up the car. </p>
<p>Also you can get an unsubsidized Stafford loan without giving parental information on the FAFSA.</p>
<p>My stepdad pays for my car. And um…giving up my car is a stupid idea because I have a steady job in the town I live in. I need a car to work. I need to work to be IN college. If I don’t have a job, they don’t pay for college at all. ANYWHERE. And I’m not taking out a loan. My mom made a deal. She needs to stick to it. I need advice on HOW to make THAT happen.</p>
<p>Although your mother is being childish, she is also paying. Calmly sit down with her and ask what plans that SHE has for your future. Does she see you getting a job in X field? Does she expect you to continue to live at home after you graduate? After talkng about your future, now is the time to talk about steps that you need to take to get to that goal. Research the professional fraternities and academic clubs that can help you meet this goal. Find organizations on campus that will allow you to volunteer and network. From there, negotiate greater freedom in regards to campus activities. If she can’t even bend on campus activities, there is no way that she will be forced to pay for your dorm room. Don’t bring up that she lied to you, broke her promises, or that you in some way deserve this. That will just make her defensive. Give her a reason for you to be on campus, like the opportunity to get a better job later, or to focus on your studies.</p>
<p>From your initial post, you state taht you did not do well on campus your first semester. Even though you got your grades back up, it may be that you haven’t showed her that you have matured enough to be given these extra responsibilities of living alone. Many parents don’t want to pay the extra expense for classes that can be taken a community college if the student isn’t going to take school seriously. Obviously, you have worked hard enough this last semester to earn the right to go back to the university. If you approach this issue in a mature manner, you should have an easier time. If she also can’t come up with reasonable arguments against rooming on campus, then suggest working with a family counselor or intermediary to get to the heart of the problem. Ask what YOU need to do to earn her trust so that you can live on campus. Listen to what she says without getting defensive. The virginity issue needs to be neutralized. don’t bring it up, and make the argument that since your lack of virginity will not affect your studies or career prospects. If you continually bring the argument back to helping you succeed in your future, it should help.</p>
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As MizzBee implied you need to get a rein on your emotions. You popped off to a poster who had made a recommendation because you didn’t supply all the facts. You need to start looking at this dispassionately with your mother to develop some kind of plan.</p>
<p>Mizzbee:
In answering your question, my mother & I have discussed what she sees for my future. What she wants for my future is for me to go to medical school and become a dermatologist or a plastic surgeon…but here’s the catch: it’s because she’s very vain and materialistic and wants “discounts” on botox & multiple other cosmetic procedures that she’s named. She goes back & forth on whether she wants me to get married or not, but if I do, she wants it to be to a man that does not make more money than my stepdad (her husband), and is a radical Christian. Also, she does not want me to have children ever, no matter what age, because she sees me unfit to ever become a mother, and she does not want to be labeled a “grandma.” You bring up a great point though. I have even proposed the idea to her that getting a second job on campus that pays above minimum wage would help me as well. You’re right. She will not bend on me getting involved in activities unless I’m living on campus. (But won’t let me live there) =/ Which makes it a two way trap, unfortunately. </p>
<p>I actually did great my first semester at the university, meeting all her standards. Then some personal family and relationship problems (that I really can’t talk about on here) arose my spring semester at the university, where they kicked me out of the house & I lived with my grandma. (The rest of my family will not support me financially not because they necessarily don’t have the money, but they don’t WANT to help because they know that my stepdad’s income can cover me, which sucks because he has all the power) I went through months of counseling with my mom with a counselor. My mom pulled away from the counselor after several sessions, because she felt the counselor was “taking my side.” (And might I add, the counselor was a very mature older woman) The counselor also tried to refer her to a psychotherapist to properly diagnose her because she was displaying signs of insanity and over-control. Due to what I just mentioned, I didn’t do well that semester. Then when I moved back, I went to this community college for this past semester, and she wants me to keep going there & NO OTHER community college. The problem with this one is, studies are being made that job opportunities are dropping drastically for graduates of this college, and I’m terrified about being able to get a job after I graduate. And their courses now are not going to count as college credits anymore. It’s basically like taking adult GED courses over and over again, yet she wants me to go to medical school? On a positive note, and back on the subject matter, the experience has encouraged me to pursue being a psychotherapist or psychologist as my career. My initial major was dietetics, but after taking some courses, I felt it wasn’t right for me.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for putting so much on here, considering the forum is about college, but I felt I needed to give more info to get proper opinions and solutions. I COMPLETELY agree with you that the emotional aspect has GOT to be taken out of the equation. Because this is about my education and career. I have proven to her through at least 2 semesters that a lack of virginity does not affect my grades. (I lost it before my very first semester even ended) Like I mentioned, counseling has been attempted, & now she is completely against counseling or even getting a third party opinion. Knowing my mother, it’s nearly impossible for my mother to take the emotional aspect out of it & focus the discussion towards my academic success for 2 major reasons. 1: She thinks I’m just telling her what she wants to hear so that I can get my way. & 2: Because she doesn’t work. She used to be a nurse but quit 9 years ago because my stepdad makes enough money to support her. Therefore, she’s very caught up in drama, facebook, cattiness between her friends including getting involved in their marital problems, and quite honestly, ENJOYS letting her emotions get the best of her, because she simply has way too much free time on her hands. I know this is frustrating, considering she has a road block for just about everything. I’m just giving a little background to get further insight.</p>
<p>I was really not hoping for a worst-case scenario, but it sounds like you have it. I think it is time that you appeal to your other family members to help you move out of the house. go stay with your father, grandmother, etc. I think it is better to go to no college than one that has credits that won’t transfer. There will come a time when she will pull away money for school as well. If you are living away from her, could you go to a different community college to complete your AA (or get all your gen ed requirements completed? </p>
<p>It sounds as if you have gone through a great deal this year, and I know that her backing out of her promise is not what you wanted to happen. It seems to me that this is only part of the problem. Does you stepdad still want you living at home? Maybe you could make him an ally so that the two of them can have their privacy. After all, it sounds like it isn’t her paying, but him. Try to get him involved in a positive light.</p>