How do I officially move out of my parent's house?

Student Lounge College Life
1

Here’s some information about me: I am 20 years old, getting closer to 21, in college currently living in a dorm. My tuition is covered in full, including my dorm, by financial aid and scholarships. And I pay for all of my stuff with my own job. My parents have not paid a dime for my education or cost of living since I got to school. I do realize that my financial aid is only there because their income is so low, so in a way they are indirectly “helping" me with my tuition. They do help me with my car payments though, even though that was not my wish.

My plan was to have my mom help me take the car loan out, as I had no credit, but I intended to be solely responsible for my car payments and insurance. My parents, however, had other plans. They decided to shorten the loan to pay the car off in 4 years instead of 6 as I planned. They decided to pay for half of the amount, leaving me to pay only the other half. At the time I didn’t think much of it and I was grateful (still am, but I wish they’d let me pay it on my own), but now I’m starting to think they did that because they wanted some leverage over me.

I have always put up with their manipulative ways. Ever since I was little, I could not go to my friend’s houses. At all. My best friend and I have been friends for 10 years now and it was not until 4 or 5 years ago that I was allowed to go to her house. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and my dad is still skeptical of him even though he has proven to be above and beyond what I could ask for in a boyfriend. He even tried to talk me out of having a boyfriend when I first started dating him, just like he tried to talk me out of going to a four year when it was obviously the best option for me because a community college would’ve added an extra year. Just like he tried to talk me out of accepting my financial aid because he pretends to understand it even though he never went to college himself. The image of him I have in my head is of a father who yells at me a lot, who talks me down, calls me fat, calls me out on my insecurities. The only fatherly memories I have of him are from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.

My mom is better. She’s always been there for me, but I feel like sometimes she’s there too much. She still inquires to know about my sexual life even though it is none of her business and I do not wish to talk about things like that with her. Sometimes I feel like she is just like my dad. I feel like she also disapproves of me, but she cowers behind my dad and uses him as an excuse of why I shouldn’t do something. She cares about her image too much.

My boyfriend is in the military and he got a new car while he was on leave for a couple of days. I helped him drive the 16 hour trip back to his base and flew back home (I was home for the summer). When I got home, all hell was unleashed on me. My dad came downstairs to yell at me for going away with my boyfriend because we are not married and then when he was done yelling at me, he went back upstairs. Mind you, those are one of the only words he spoke to me while I was visiting after my summer classes.

My mom, who I had consulted before going on the trip, backstabbed me, saying she didn’t know I was going with him alone, even though I had made it clear that I was going alone with him. She played dumb to appease to my dad, to preserve her image for him, but in doing that she hurt me because I had confided in her and she just turned around to criticize me as well. Having just gotten off my 7 hour total, with 2 hour layover flight, I was exhausted and couldn’t take it anymore, so I sat in my room crying. I took a nap and decided to come back to school and I haven’t spoken to them since then.

I feel hurt, and I am tired of them trying to treat me like a puppet trying to get me to do what they want me to do and not listening to my opinions and concerns. I am tired of feeling like I have no freedom. I understand they love me and that they are overbearing because of that but I can only take so much of it. The last straw was drawn when my dad texted me a picture of a letter from another college I was thinking of transferring to. He opened my mail, when I explicitly told him several times that I did not want him to open my mail. It is none of his business, not to mention it is illegal. I know I am still angered about the whole situation and I realize my mind may or may not be clouded by anger. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I’m not.

Right now, I just want to gather information on how I should go about legally, and officially moving out of my parent’s house. Is that even possible if I live in a temporary residence such as a dorm? I realize there’s the car problem. It is under my mom’s name, so I’m not sure what to do about that. I wish I could take the full financial burden of it but, I could’ve only afforded the monthly payments if we’d gotten the 6 year loan. I will absolutely think this over before I take a step so big, but I need to know what it would take to move out of their house? Just a forward address document from the Postal Service? Do I need to change my address on my social security? How? Can I claim my dorm as my home? I’d appreciate some advice and sorry for the long post.

2

What year are you in? You need your parents to complete the FAFSA every year so you can continue to get aid, so I’d be careful about angering them. Can you find a summer job or internship near your college so you can stay there next summer? If you don’t want your parents reading your mail, rent a Post Office box. Use that address for everything important, but not for things like the car loan. You probably don’t want your parents to know you have it.

Why do you want to transfer? If you’re low income and all your expenses for a residential college are covered by financial aid and grants with no parental contribution, that’s a great deal and one you’re not likely to get elsewhere. Your best bet is likely to be to graduate as soon as possible and get a job in some other area.

3

You’re out. Don’t go back. Depending how many years of school are left maybe find an apartment with roommates. Don’t worry about the car. Just continue doing what you have been doing. Maybe they’ll ask for it back but I doubt it. Just start living you life independently and the details will fall into place. Good luck.

4

Not sure why you need to do anything. You are living at school, 100% covered by your FA. Your parents are difficult when you are home, but it doesn’t sound like they require you to go home. They are paying for half of your car payment and not asking for anything in return.

As mentioned by another poster, you still need your parents to fill out FAFSA in order to qualify for FA.
I am not there, so I do not know exactly what it is like, but based on your description it sounds like your parents are a bit old fashioned about relationships. They may not totally approve of your boyfriend, and many parents do not, but most of them just do not say anything. Your parents are not forbidding you to see your BF. Your mother can’t stand up to your dad, like so many women, but it doesn’t make her a bad person. You are an adult now, it was up to you to tell your father about your trip. Why would it be up to your mother to let your father know? Unless you think you still need his permission, which you do not.
Hope you feel better after your vent.
BTW - when my kids were in college, they put down their college address on their graduate school and job applications, so I didn’t get any mails at home. You can also do the same.

5

Be patient while your parents continue to fill out FAFSA that you need to be able to afford college. How much longer do you have to finish your degree?

You can learn to Act Civilly with them while also protecting yourself. Your mother has shown you who she is. You can stop sharing anything personal with her without telling her you will never confide in her again.

Unfortunately this is a game you must play to get your college degree. That is your goal, and focus on that when you face frustration with your parents.

Search for summer internships or a job that keeps you from going home. So you don’t have to say out loud to parents “I hate you and I refuse to ever live at your home again”. Instead, just give the facts that you have this job and aren’t able to take vacation days to travel home.

Make sure you have official documents and sentimental items from your parents home. Or figure out how to get copies of those documents. Do you have any siblings? They could help you get the stuff you want/need from your home.

Another possible goal is to start saving for your own car. If you know your parents are going to hold this car in their name moving forward, an emergency transportation fund could help you feel empowered. I would let them make payments, if possible, and not use any of your own money. You don’t know for sure if they will eventually give you legal ownership of this car, so if you can string them along with enough communication to avoid a hostile estrangement, you might be able to at least continue to use the car for a bit longer.

Once you have your degree, you can make decisions about how often you communicate or see your parents. If you have younger siblings, consider maintaining a superficial relationship until siblings are grown and out of your parents house.

But I agree you should not stay at their home anymore. Just find a good excuse to tell them why you must stay on campus to work.

6

This is really hard and you are doing the right thing by trying to get away from your parents.
HOWEVER, to me the best thing is to think long term. You will have the best chance to gain full independence if you get a college degree and a good job. That should be your goal.

In the meantime you have to think about dealing with your parents as your “job”…what you have to do to get tuition paid for. Because if they decide not to fill out the FAFSA, you are stuck.

Re this car…if you paid it off, who owns it? Is it your mother or you?

When you are in college have all mail sent to you there. You could get a post office box near home that you use for anything else.

7

I think the car’s in the mom’s name because the mom is the one who qualified for the loan. After it’s paid off OP can ask her parents if she can take over the insurance and registration costs. That would be the time to transfer the title.

8

If this is about being PRACTICAL:
There is no need to make a scene and “move out.” Be grateful for the help they DO give you. You can limit your visits, limit your time at home and limit the dialogue if it is more harmful than beneficial. But at age 20 going on 21 if you stay on schedule, get your 4-year degree, and have a car paid off at the time you graduate, you will be well on your way to independence. In the meantime, your parent’s home is cheaper than renting a storage building for furniture of odds and ends you may want someday but don’t have room for in a dorm.

BUT if this is about being PUNITIVE or SHOWING THEM … then I guess that strategy won’t meet those needs.

9

I am convinced that people do not understand their parents (much less forgive them) until they become parents themselves.

Someday you may see how much wisdom is required to be a parent–to know when to protect your child, when to let go, and having let go, how to stay attached appropriately. BTW, that “appropriateness” may be different for each child.

We all need attachments; and quite frequently, that is complicated–unless you prefer cats to people.

You may outgrow your car and boyfriend, you may graduate from college someday, but you will always have those parents. You are who you are because of and despite them. They’re part of you. You can reject them, but they’re always going to be in you somewhere.

You can learn from your experience to be a better parent than you’ve had. Even if you’re a great parent, circumstances such as poverty or the wrong partner can seriously erode your efforts: You will see, it’s complicated.

Try to be patient with them. Do not dwell negatively on the past. Try to be more grateful than critical. It’s hard and almost saintlike to do that, but try it, for your own peace of mind.

Remember that the children of the worst parents don’t have cars or go to college, and some are dead: It takes a lot of attention, time, and physical effort to keep a baby or young child alive and healthy. Parents, especially mothers, deserve more credit than they get for that.

You may like your parents better when you’re a parent yourself. If not, you may at least understand their behavior better.

When you have children and have to forgive yourself for not being a perfect parent, you may relax a bit. You may even find your parents are better grandparents to your kids than they were parents to you, and that may be good for your family. (Keep that in mind before you cut them off irreparably.)

From the outside, yours seem pretty okay. They’re helping with your car, they’re helping with financial aid: Many of us had/have parents who didn’t, wouldn’t, or couldn’t help, and we were stuck working full time in college, and even so, stuck with some college debt. We didn’t have cars and were endangered hitchhiking, walking, or riding the subways. Then there are the children who were seriously beaten, starved, raped, or imprisoned by their parents: They never got to college. You won’t hear their testimony on this website, but they are not as rare as we all like to think.

Yelling is not good, but it’s common. You’d be surprised at where the bar is set for legally actionable child abuse in this country, assuming someone calls. Basically anything that doesn’t leave profound physical scars gets a pass: Apparently, your parents have committed no crimes against you.

For your own sense of security, diffuse any escalation by leaving the room when things get tense. Avoid sensitive topics if at all possible. Your self-control has to play a role now that you are no longer a child.

At some point, no matter what, your parents can’t hurt or help you anymore, unless you let them.

1 Like
10

It’s always interesting on cc when we only get one side of the story but the poster seems pretty mature for her age. Dad’s not liking your boyfriend… Well… That’s like the oldest cliche around. No one is going to be good enough for him. You’re his daughter… Even if he’s not involved your still his daughter and little girl.

I think the main problem is and I see this a lot… They are only educated to a certain point. They know what they know and or believe. That’s not going to change unless you have a heart to heart talk with them but they might not be able to do that… So respect that also. They are who they are.

Your mother most likely just didn’t want to deal with your father. Is there physical and or verbal emotional abuse? But that would of been a great time afterward to pull her aside and have a serious talk with her. Doesn’t sound like she “can” stand up to your father. Is there a drinking issue either of them?

Also her wanting to know about your sex life is normal mother /daughter conversation. It is also code for I don’t want you to get pregnant and regret it later. It’s more common with military relationships. Just let her know you are a responsible adult when it comes to that. Code : your using protection /pill etc. You are finding out, you have to be the adult here.

As far as the car situation. I think your parents are correct. Shorter lease terms is cheaper then longer lease terms in the end. Just because you can make the car payments easier doesn’t make it the better deal. They just taught you an important financial lesson. Learn from them.
Also most car companies/banks will let you rework the loan for a longer period since it’s more money in their pocket.

As hard as it might seem. Your situation is better then most on this forum. You can go away to school, school is paid for. You have transportation and getting help paying for it. Your boyfriend is good to you (right? Respects you, no abuse of any type?) and your furthering your education. You should focus on getting your education /degree /good job with or without your families /boyfriend support. Don’t fall into a trap. Once you have a job you can live anywhere you want and with whom you want to. Just make wise decisions and good luck.

11

Some parents are normal, some are overbearing, and some are toxic. We don’t know your situation. But like I said, work on the big picture.

I would ask about the car situation…if she has the loan and the car is in her name, it is her car. You are paying for the use of the car…woudl you have bought that car if you knew that?

12

All parents mean well, but there are some that aren’t very good at letting go. For the mail situation, you can discreetly rent a P.O. Box and have it delivered there. No one, including your parents has any business going through your mail. The car is still in your parents name, you don’t have an obligation to keep it. It sounds like the car is just another string for them to pull. You could just buy an old clunker and drive that instead…or take the bus to work. You have a right to be an adult and claim your own life, even if your parents disagree. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and you’re two adults seeing each other. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Just go in the direction your life takes you.