How do I tell my parents to just let go already?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I'm an only child. I live on a tiny island in the middle of the pacific...born and raised...but I am now a high school senior who is about to graduate. </p>

<p>I will be attending a university in the northwest where I have TONS and I mean TONS of family within 20 minutes of my dorm. I love this. I've grown up my whole life without any relatives other than my parents so I am looking forward to being around family. I didn't get into my first choice university, a school on the northeast, and though they wouldn't admit it, I know my parents were secretly thrilled because I will now be so much closer to home and surrounded by family. </p>

<p>As senior year has progressed my parents, actually let me rephrase that...my DAD, have slowly given more freedom. I'm finally allowed to sleepover at friends' houses without my parents calling their parents, my 12:00 curfew isn't as strict, etc. I love this. However, my parents are slowly reverting back to their old ways now that it is a mere month till graduation. My mom doesn't want me sleeping out at all. She is constantly asking me to come home BEFORE 12:00. She has turned into the "hover-nator"...everytime I turn around she is standing behind me and she always wants to talk. </p>

<p>I understand it. I'm her little girl...I'm growing up. But I'm going crazy. When this first started a couple months ago I decided that I would completely comply and even spend a lot of my weekend with her...going out to the movies, playing tennis, whatever. But my little plan is making it worse! Now she gets upset when I don't want to hang out all the time and tightened the leash even further. I applied to Starbucks last week and got the job, but will have to go through an extensive 2 week training without pay. When I told her, she almost wasn't going to let me do it! She told me that I should just work for her over the summer but I explained that I needed to try and be independent for a change. She is now talking abotu visiting me in the fall and the spring, even though I will be home within a month of both visits. And she keeps telling my relatives to "keep an eye on me". </p>

<p>Basically, I'm going insane. I don't know what to do. I mean, I understand that she is hurting and that she will miss me terribly, but right now I'm just counting down the days until I can get away. My dad kind of just goes with it all because he also understands what my mom is going through and he benefits from be being around so much as well. </p>

<p>How do I tell my parents to just let go already?</p>

2

<p>you should let her read your post. seriously it explains everything well. But take out the parts where you say you're going insane/crazy.</p>

3

<p>It sounds like it's unbearable for both of you now, so your mutual goal is to make it more bearable.</p>

<p>Instead of making it "you vs. her" see if you can sit down and make it the same problem that you both face. Instead of a tug-of-war, in other words, both go onto one side of the rope and look across it at a different problem. Then figure out how to solve that problem TOGETHER> </p>

<p>The name of the problem isn't "I am leaving home and Mom must learn to deal with it already." because that is only your problem.</p>

<p>Your shared problem sounds more like this: we are both struggling to accept an important change in our family structure. Neither of us knows exactly how it will look or feel, but we're both trying to live out these next months as if it were practice. That's not necessary! And it'll waste our last best time together when we're still in this pre-college mode.
(Notice I keep saying "we" instead of "you")</p>

<p>What can we agree to now that'll make these months more agreeable. After all, nothing we do will change the fact that I'm leaving. And we both want the happiest time possible these months. </p>

<p>So could we please: plan to cook one meal together each week, see a movie together once each week (w/e Mom wants most, but only once each week for each!!) but also re-allow sleepovers, loosen curfews (w/e D wants) b/c I need the practice so college doesn't hit me in the face suddenly with all that freedom, kinda dangerous..</p>

<p>Anyway, negotiate and write a short list, maybe 4 or 5 things each that you'll "let" the other one do during these months.</p>

<p>And when she talks about all those visits she's going to make, I don't think she really will so don't worry. Everytime she says that, recognize it's just how she's feeling, not that she's actually buying a ticket. So when she talks about mega-visits just smile kindly and say, "I'm going to miss you, too, Mom."</p>

4

<p>My second (and last) child will be going to college this fall, so I can sort of see this from your mom's point of view.</p>

<p>One thing that drove me crazy the summer before my son left for college three years ago and is now bothering me with respect to my daughter is the feeling that I have only a few months left to teach a variety of skills and information that somehow got overlooked along the way. There's an uncomfortable "now or never" feeling about this.</p>

<p>I wonder whether it might make sense (and even be useful) if you and your mom made a list of things you might need to know how to do at college and spent some time learning about that stuff over the summer. For example, do you understand how to manage a checking account? Do you know how to hook up your own computer? Do you know how to iron -- and do you know which of your clothes must never be ironed because if you try it they will congeal into useless globs of plastic? Do you know how to fill a prescription? Do you know your own medical history? (Your mom knows whether you had the chicken pox shot or the actual disease -- do you?) Do you have any feeling for when a medical problem warrants a doctor's visit and when it doesn't? Do you know what stuff you can carry on an airplane and what stuff is no longer allowed?</p>

<p>There are lots more topics like this, and of course you probably already know how to do most of them, but there are probably some where you don't. You might want to ask your mom to explain or show you the ones that you never got around to learning. If nothing else, it will keep her busy.</p>

5

<p>I am a mom about to watch my daughter leave for college, 7 hours away. I agree with Marian's post and think it will help your mom and you so much if you go ahead and think of some things to ask her so she knows that her advice is something you will be using on a daily basis. This way she feels that she is mothering you still and that you have taken some of her with you just as support. It's silly, but she may feel that she not only won't see you physically, but that she won't be able to be your mom anymore. I read a post from a parent that said that IMing each day or once a week even has been a great way for them to feel that closeness that they miss. If you feel willing to do that, tell your parents about that to reassure them. I have joked to my daughter a couple times that I plan to go stay at a hotel sometimes, just to know I am near her - and that she doesn't even have to see me or know I am there. That is how you feel as a mother. You just want to be physically near your child sometimes. It's a comforting thought. But I probably won't do it. (or maybe I will! LOL) It helped me to say that to her though, because I need to tell her I'll miss her. Your parents know it won't be long before you are out of their reach. They'll be proud of you that you are so independent and they must have raised you well, because you aren't afraid to leave home and be independent! Remind them of that. I have heard that many kids react to their parents' pre-college summer angst by being impossible to be around. Be glad you aren't fighting. It's just a few more months. Enjoy your job at Starbucks - and bring your mom some coffee. Coffee always helps.</p>

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<p>Pllease try to be patient with her. You're undergoing major changes in perspective, and she also. SHe may be your mother, and seemingly should be in control of her emotions, but trust me - her emotions are running very hot right now. </p>

<p>You'll be on your own at school in a few months. Try to bear with her for now. You'll be glad you did when you're finally away and emotions cool down.</p>

7

<p>Mother's day is coming up. If you can buy from Amazon.com, buy two copies of the book Letting Go (link below), which is all about how the parent-child relationship changes during the first year of college. Give her one copy. Write and attach a letter listing all of the ways she's helped prepare you for the next step in your life's journey, and acknowledge that you are scared too. (Do this even if you can't get ahold of the book)</p>

<p>You read the other copy of the book. Talk to her about what you learn about what she's going through. </p>

<p>They'll still be plenty of times when you'll feel she won't ever let go. That's the time to stop and give her a hug. She needs lots of hugs this summer to remind her that you'll ALWAYS need her, and, while you may not believe it just yet, you need lots of hugs to remind you of the same thing.</p>

<p>Hang in there, Surfette. </p>

<p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Parents-Understanding-College/dp/0060521260/ref=sr_1_4/103-6701882-6898244?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1178128069&sr=1-4%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Parents-Understanding-College/dp/0060521260/ref=sr_1_4/103-6701882-6898244?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1178128069&sr=1-4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>The college research, application, acceptance and decision process is an emotional rush - a roller-coaster ride that eventually ends in great excitement when you get into a school that you like and decide to go there. But at that pont, while your adventure is about to begin, it ends for your parents. For them, it's like researching, planning, and packing for a glamorous cruise without getting to board the ship. You might try keeping them involved in the adventure for the time being. It shouldn't have to be burdensome or unbearable, but being able to share in some of the day-to-day details for awhile may satisfy their desire to share the voyage, if only vicariously.</p>

9

<p>I don't get these posts. If you want to be free from your parents, then be free. I was free from my parents since age 17 (not by choice, really), but heck, for all of the hardships it created, the freedom obtained was great. If you don't want to be free from your parents because of the financial support that is attached, then recognize that the relationship by its nature will have strings attached. Such is the way of the world - supplicants don't get to pick and choose the way in which they are treated. I anticipate some harsh reaction to this post, but really, if one views the world in this way, it puts parental intrusions into context.</p>

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<p>First--remember this feeling when you have kids. I send my kids overseas when they graduate--because my parents made me twiddle my thumbs at home during every vacation. I hated the restrictions.</p>

<p>Second--your guilt is getting in the way of your negotiating skills. My suggestion would be to set up once a week warm fuzzy 'family excursions' (mini-golf, board game night, day hike, picnic) in exchange for one night a week which is 'hovernator' free.</p>

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<p>Your mom will need time to "let go" of you. It may not happen by the time you get on that plane for America but it will come along...eventually. Believe it or not, it's taken my mom three years to actually "let me go." Part of the reasons why parents are afraid to let go of their children is because they fear that their children will become unhappy and unsettled without their support and love that they've given every day for the past 17-18 years. They just don't know how their child's going to find the same kind of support, even if their child will be near relatives. It's just not the same. They know that you are excited for college but it's easier said than done.</p>

<p>My mom was pretty clingy for a long time partly because I was unhappy with my first year of school- I used to send her "vent" e-mails and cry on the phone. Then when I transferred to another school and when she heard me say "I'm going home" (aka my school) she realized that I was finding niche elsewhere- she even got to meet one of the staff members who adored me. The more she saw and heard about finding my niche at my school, she gradually let go, very gradually. Even when I was entering my junior year, she still worried like crazy and I could NEVER wait to go back to school. She still could sense that there were still some unhappy moments. It wasn't really until she came to visit me here in ISRAEL when she realized how THRILLED I was to be here. Never once I felt unhappy here and I let her know that with my writings in my blog. And I am 7,000 miles away from her. She noticed how I had assimilated into the Israeli culture and society so well and enjoyed being around Israelis and the Hebrew language that she actually brought up the topic of making aliyah and how would it work- I hadn't even actually said "By the way, I'm making aliyah after college" to her! She already knew before I left for Israel that I wanted to make aliyah at some point in my life but after seeing me in Israel, she realized that that time might come sooner than expected. I can't tell you how relieved I was not to be arguing with her about moving to Israel.</p>

<p>Since she left to return to the States after her trip, she hasn't sent me daily e-mails and even if she did, they were often short. Big change!!! No more hovering over me :)</p>

<p>Bottom line: Sometimes parents need to find a "eureka!" moment to realize that their child has indeed grown up and is totally living in her/his own and can find own support group. It may not come right away but I promise you, it will come, even if it takes three years. Eventually your parents will cry with joy knowing that you will be just fine instead of in sadness knowing that you're not totally fine. They just have to see it for themselves- whether it's through phone calls, pictures on the Internet, blogging, whatever means you have for communication.</p>

<p>Definitely take some time out of your schedule to spend quality time- going to the mall for school shopping, dinners (not your regular home dinner, we're talking nice dinners), going hiking, etc. They'll notice that you're making an effort and will slowly back off. They just need some kind of reassurance that they STILL matter in your life and want you to prove it.</p>

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<p>tickleme---I'll jump in before anyone else does. Hawaii is America :) OP will be flying to the mainland!! (Look at her name/location on her posting)</p>

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<p>Another mom point of view.....now is the time (between prom and graduation), where there tends to be a lot more parties, etc. D's high school has spent quite a bit of time discussing that....not that you are a big partier, but there are a lot more opportunities around now than before, probably. That could be part of mom's add'l hovering? Either that, or the realization that she'll be letting go of you at the end of the summer, she feels that she doesn't want to let go until then??</p>

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<p>This is called growing up. I think you should set boundary with your parents, which you will need to do for the rest of your life. As parents, we'll want as much of your time as possible, until you say "back off." I would love to have my daughter spend every Fri and Sat night with me, but she lets me know that she needs to socialize with people her own age. She always comes home when she is suppose to and never drinks and drive, so it's hard for me to tell her that she couldn't go out. When she has her own family someday, I am sure I would love to be able to drop in on her whenever I miss her, but I would expect her to tell me to respect her privacy, to call before I drop by.</p>

<p>What I am saying here is that you have every right to have a certain freedom and time with your friends. It is up to you to communicate it to your parents, whether they listen or not. If they do not listen, then you will move very far away someday. </p>

<p>My daughter and I are very apprehensive and excited about this Fall(she is more excited). We have been fighting more. She has admitted to me that it's because she's afraid of letting me go, and I am afraid of not seeing her every night any more. This is really bitter sweet for us, but it doesn't give us the right to not allowing our kids to grow up, and we need to be reminded of it from time to time.</p>

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<p>Tickleme, It is always so nice to see you. I am glad you are doing well. You have given very good advice.</p>

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<p>How timely, my son sent me this link today.<br>
<a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20070503/cm_csm/ehelicopter&printer=1;_ylt=Apmx23U_NptUeHQRJh9LxF67e8UF%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20070503/cm_csm/ehelicopter&printer=1;_ylt=Apmx23U_NptUeHQRJh9LxF67e8UF&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>To the OP: Have patience with you mom and dad. I have been going through the same process with my parents for a year now. I am not an only child, but my mom finally visited 2 weeks ago and told me how difficult the process has been for her especially to "let go."
Suggest your mom read the book "A Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. It's in paperback now. It's about dealing with loss. CAL parents recommended it at orientation last year and my mom said it helped a lot.
When you get to College, you will miss the family and maybe even the hovering a little. I know I did. Fall will be here before you know it.</p>

18

<p>You parents are so silly. So silly :p</p>