Seems like the examples in this thread are not the ones that are most likely to create conflict: where the parents have limited financial resources, spend too much on giving kid 1 whatever choice s/he wants, and have to severely limit kid 2’s choices because there is no more money left.
Honestly…I don’t know what “wealthy parents” do in this situation…and frankly…I don’t care.
This is a family matter…up to each family.
I don’t think family relationships are transactional. You can have equal relationships without spending equal money. It would make me crazy to have to do a mental accounting of the money I spend on each child and to figure out ways to balance it if it’s not an equal sum. I hope we are fair. We try to be fair. That’s the best we can do, but I’m not going to do relationship math to be certain.
Well, they sure can handle it a lot better than poor parents. Talk about 1st world problems…give them a car to make up for it?
Not in my world.
I didn’t give the kid who went to the cheaper college a car, nor did I give cash to the kid who didn’t need glasses or braces. The kid who sprained an ankle playing softball got appropriate medical care; the kid who got a cut at the playground did to.
Isn’t the goal to do what’s right for each kid? Based on the child’s needs, your values, and your resources?
This.
And I don’t give two hoots what any other family does regarding their money. And really that the family is wealthy…that is really not my concern either.
Not wealthy but can afford to pay for two kids. Younger one is still in HS. We’ve had the conversation that just because we can pay, doesn’t mean we will pay. When it comes to college, we made it very clear that it’s not about equal, but rather paying for the right situation. S attends an expensive private school that we felt was great for him. He’s a gifted student, motivated, etc. D is completely different. Her focus will be audition in BFA musical theater. If she gets accepted to a top program, then we’ll pay. If she doesn’t we won’t be spending private school money for a kid that doesn’t really care about academics. She understands and agrees.
Had a conservative financial plan to pay for 3 children at full pay, tuition plus room and board. Other expenses paid by student. Terminal illness was not part of the ‘conservative plan’.
Oldest 2 attending top tier meets full need schools. Youngest is not as academically talented or as interested. We are full pay until non refundable assets are depleted. Unlikely youngest will be accepted at a meets full need school when he will be eligible for FA.
Made a deal with oldest 2 to live at home, work and pool resources in order to emotionally and financially support youngest. Loosing a parent in college or HS is immensely difficult, so a safe environment with many equally talented peers is important.
Predicting the future is not possible but we are definitely experiencing the unfairness of broken systems with healthcare and college. I do know that I am immensely proud of their hard work at school and dedication to family amidst the horrors of pain and suffering.
I hear ya, but it’s over $40,000 diff each year. That’s a massive sum! And made more obvious since they’re attending college together.
But are they going to the schools they want to attend?
I can see the same thing happening with a wedding. One kid wants a big fancy wedding while the other wants 20 people in the church hall. At the first one, the parents get to invite hundreds of friends and relatives while at the second they are trying to explain to Aunt Alice that they aren’t inviting anyone but siblings and grandparents.
Didn’t this happen with the Bush twins? One went to the state flagship (Texas) and the other to Yale.
I could be wrong but each girl got to go where they wanted. Both seem happy and close to their parents and sister.
I think in families, it’s not about even. It’s about where the kids wanted to and could go.
“I hear ya, but it’s over $40,000 diff each year. That’s a massive sum! And made more obvious since they’re attending college together.”
Indeed, by saying “choose the best fit” are we saying that $160K doesn’t matter? I guess that’s why the price of college keeps going up, because education is somehow different to having a better “fit” in a home, car, etc.
It is ultimately money that could be spent on something else. Better in my view that it’s on a home or car for them, not for me.
I don’t think this is like giving one kid glasses or fixing their broken leg. At some point most people (if you’re not that wealthy) have to say “sorry you don’t get the Gucci glasses even if you like the fit of them slightly more.”
I should note that it wouldn’t bother me if the difference was a few thousand dollars. To me it only becomes an issue when the amount of money is a life changing sum for the family. If you are really wealthy than $40K per year might not count either.
If both are going where they want to go (within their admission results), that is less problematic than if the parents told them that one of them has to limit her choices to low cost colleges to allow the other to attend an expensive college.
@ucbalumnus But if one gets a scholarship do you then say “Great, now we can spend your college fund on the expensive college for your twin that we couldn’t have afforded otherwise”?
We’re not in this category, but we do have twins. Now we are waiting on two more decisions and most of the financial aid offers. Merit or financial will be important, we don’t want them saddled with debt. I’d love to afford to send them anywhere they want (and get accepted)!
Then, obviously, it gets more complicated, with questions like:
- Is the scholarship school that student’s top choice anyway?
- Were there any previous parental promises or conditions made for the situation of choosing an under-budget college?
will be in this situation next year with older D(sophomore) full pay at elite U ( close to 70k/year). while younger S most likely going to go to state U ( UC or cal state at half the cost ), which are his target schools anyway. Will not be making up the difference ( about 120k total in 4 yrs), since both are getting a solid education for what is the best fit for each.
@deb922 Based on what I’ve seen, I safely assume Barbara Bush is far brighter than Jenna. In the case of the female twins we know, they’re both equally talented. Very bright girls. I assume they’re both attending the colleges they want, it’s just interesting, to me, that the price diff is so substantial. That’s all.
Both our kids went the same private U but our S got a 1/2 tuition scholarship and D got nothing. It was expensive but we were able for them to both graduate debt free. We didn’t equalize and don’t plan to ever do so, as we told them we let them both attend a U they wanted to attend and graduate debt-free. Both expressed great gratitude.
When I and my sibs went to undergrad and grad school, we all went to different grad Us and two of us went OOS for undergrad as well. We all graduated with different amounts of debt from $0 to a lot. I never asked details as it was not my $$ nor my business. I believe my dad paid off any debt anyone graduated with.
Hmm. I think it depends on a lot of factors which are set before the kids attend college or even finish high school. As parents some are totally committed to paying all fees in full and can financial do so. Others, know someone ( they or the student) is going to take on a LOT of debt.
I cannot imagine giving a child extra money because they went to a less expensive college than their sibling. But if you have decided as parents that there is X money in the pot and it can be spent any way the student wants than that is the family contract.
For us, life is too complex to create that scenario. Education is expensive and few can pay let’s say for a child who wants to be a surgeon ( yep, I have one of those). Even though we could, we won’t because life is about choices and at some point a surgeon makes enough to pay back medical school. But many people have raised their children with the idea that they will pay for college, or graduate school or that they won’t pay at all or will pay only some amount.
I have a sister in law that owes mid six figures on a HELOC loan ( whose rates can change) just so her kids could go to a so so private university. To me, it’s silly. But to her, she had two kids first in their family graduate. To her, it’s worth it. Even though her retirement will be skimpy.
People should choose universities with a realistic eye to the families income and the best guess of future income based on actual salaries in the field. But not all people weigh things the same way as this conversation illustrates.