I feel that parents who absolve children of all chores do their kids a disservice. It’s not the skills that are so important to learn, but the fact that everyone has a role to contribute to the household. My kids were academic overachievers, played varsity sports, and my D danced four days a week (on top of her sports schedule). They still found time to do the dishes, take out the trash, do their own laundry, etc. i strongly believed that their “job” was to be students so they only worked summers, but chores are part of being a family. When my D started college, her one suite mate had obviously had someone wait on her for her entire life. She left food and dishes everywhere, including on the floor and under the bed. She never took a turn cleaning the bathroom. My D came home one break frustrated and actually told me “thank you for not raising me like that.” Priceless.
@khmamma I think that is worth thinking about, yes!
I wonder- and that’s all it is, right now- if some of this concierge is really about control.
You want the house cleaned in a certain way or to know the vacuuming is thorough or the dishes are loaded just so.
And you want the kid to pile on more and more related to school and activities. (There is a bit of button busting about how much the kid has taken on, at school and in activities, and how well he/she is doing.)
I’m impressed by fretfulmother’s note about family and learning about family obligations (and how to plug into the family dynamic.)
Do concierge parents work? Is there energy left for family fun or family learning together?
Well I do actually like doing housework and laundry and yes a need for control. Indeed when I’m working at home and have writers block I often avoid my work by cleaning. And I just don’t get much pleasure from having others do the work for me. And since the cleaning is a bit of a hobby for me and how I get my “me time” I never felt like it interfered with family Time. Must have been the example I was set. My mom will NOT let me do my own laundry at her house even when we’re house guests. She claims it’s because her washer is “temperamental” but really I think she just gets pleasure from doing it for me like I do when I do my kids’. I guess we’re outliers here.my kids are showing signs of the same. Though she’s never so much as wiped a counter or dirty dish in our home my older daughter didn’t mi d indeed Actively wanted to be the one doing the dishes ( with no dishwasher) in her campus apartment. She felt her roommates didn’t meet the standards she saw at home and was used to.
@lookingforward, interesting question about control. We certainly have no desire to control how cleaning is done. We’re just thrilled that it is getting done. With respect to the kids, we wanted to make sure they had time to a) overcome learning disabilities; b) show the world (and colleges) what they were capable of.
To the extent we were concierge parents, do we work? Emphatically yes. I am pretty sure that both my wife and I are on the high end of a) time spent working; and b) passion for our careers. I think parenting has been a very high priority for both of us, though my wife’s role was bigger when the kids were younger and my role got bigger with the kids in middle school and especially high school. But, we have to make other tradeoffs.
But again, there’s an assumption that the kid who has had a concierge parent will be the entitled one who then doesn’t clean up after him or herself later in life. I can tell you that my D is not the roommate who leaves her dishes under the bed, and in fact was the one most frustrated with the other girl’s failure to clean up after herself and pull her own weight. My son not only is extremely neat, but actually bought a professional steamer to iron his own work shirts. Trust me, he’d never ironed a day in his life at home, but his mother ironed-- a lot. On the other hand, a friend’s son had a roommate with very wealthy parents who had had a live-in housekeeper his whole life. Now he never cleaned up after himself. Perhaps because unlike us middle class folks, he never associated those chores with a family member. I agree with the poster upthread that some concierged kids just think, “Those are the chores I have to do when I’m the adult out of school.”
Or, maybe it’s just nature, not nurture. Or maybe the nurture has more to do with attitude than actual activity. Kids who have been raised to be responsible and considerate just do their assigned jobs, and if that includes cleaning up then they learn how and then do it.
When our kids were teens, 3 of the 4 were living the typical CC lifestyle: top student,captains of multiple sports, other leadership positions, community service yadayadayada. The fourth one was all of except not in the top few percent of his class. They all had part-time jobs. Everyone in the household was busy. It was important to my husband and I for our kids to realize life is always busy for everyone, so they were each responsible for making their own lunches (lol,this started in 2nd grade), doing their own laundry starting in 7th grade, adhering to a clothing budget starting in 9th grade (I provided the $ quarterly but there were no adjustments if poor planning or overindulging resulted in a lack of funds at an inopportune time). If they forgot something at home that they needed at school, I charged them $3 if they wanted me to bring it (only had to collect a few times for that “service”). I really wanted them all to keep their rooms neat too but finally I had to accept a closed door instead because while 2 of them were far more particular than I am about cleaning, 2 were far worse and it was not worth the battle.
"Or, maybe it’s just nature, not nurture. Or maybe the nurture has more to do with attitude than actual activity. Kids who have been raised to be responsible and considerate just do their assigned jobs, and if that includes cleaning up then they learn how and then do it. "
It turns out that the research does not support this. Parental example has been shown to be what indicates, for example, gender balance of chores. Parental example has also been shown to correlate to amount of pleasure reading (as opposed, interestingly, to reading to one’s children!).
“But again, there’s an assumption that the kid who has had a concierge parent will be the entitled one who then doesn’t clean up after him or herself later in life.”
I tried to explain but maybe not clearly - it’s not ONLY a matter of cleaning up after oneself which is again a sort of selfishness (but better than NOT cleaning up after oneself!). The question is, how do we as a community/family, manage the fact that we’re all pushing back a rising tide of entropy on a daily or hourly or yearly basis and all that entails? Whose responsibility is it to contribute to this living process for everyone; whose responsibility is it to plan the housework and calendar for that matter; is it truly everyone’s priority that the family as a unit is successful? The message in our family is: If you see someone else actively reducing household entropy, you shouldn’t be sitting on the couch instead of contributing.
I admit that I do the laundry except for a few “please transfer it while I’m out” exceptions. It’s something that I like because it has a clear progress unlike e.g. solving science problems where you might not get an answer. But my husband does 85% of anything related to food (shopping, cooking) and ALL of us clean up.
My boys have changed trashes and vacuumed since toddlerhood. (My sister watched aghast as DS16, then about 2.5, took out the toddler plug, plugged in the vacuum, vacuumed, unplugged and put away the vacuum, and replugged the toddler plug. She said, “Who exactly is that toddler plug for?”)
My older boys are the default carers for many aspects of their younger brothers, including sending in proof of music practice (DS3 gets a sticker if the teacher receives an email with a photo of the practice log with a certain amount of time logged), taking them home on some days and getting settled, care on days off of school, help with hw, and more. Connected with this, we do not pay in $$ for any chores, but we always give money to the kids when they are going somewhere or need it, and my older two now have work earnings. (My middle son babysits and is sought-after though he laments that if he were a girl he thinks he’d have even more business.)
My youngest does age-appropriate chores such as returning misdelivered mail to where it should be on the block (irritating that this is a recurring chore, yes!), dusting the stairs, cleaning the bathroom (I often have to redo this, but that’s not the point).
All of us do the frustrating drudgery of snow shoveling, in spite of many attempts to hire helpers - because there doesn’t seem to be a reliable service that will do it early enough in the day.
Well, as is always the case, there are no accurate generalizations and there is usually more than one way to skin a cat. Most of us on this site have raised children who are good and productive members of society and of their households, and yet we have all done it differently. I do resent your implication of selfishness, as D has frequently picked up the slack for the other roommate and is the most generous of my children. It’s kind of extreme to posit that vacuuming from toddlerhood is the key to raising a good kid.
“…as is always the case, there are no accurate generalizations…” - words to live by 
I found that by the time my kids were 2nd semester HS seniors they had a little more time on their hands so making their lunch and doing their laundry were now their jobs full time. A friend questioned whether this was to teach them how to do laundry. No, they had all done laundry from time to time, especially their sports laundry. I explained it was to teach them they had to make time in their week once away at college. They always had regular chores like dog walking and other pet care, cleaning their room, helping with dinner, lawn care etc but nothing like I had growing up! So yes, they had a concierge mother for the most part and I believe they are grateful, kind, thoughtful and responsible young people but in reality life just gets busier and harder and there’s not always going to be a concierge waiting to help them out!
If you returned that mail to the post office or a mail pickup box (making sure you noted in red pen that the delivery was to the wrong address), it might not happen so often.
Each kid is different–different strengths, goals, weaknesses, motivators, distractions, etc. I think the key is to give each kid what they need to use their gifts and achieve what they are capable of but teach them at the same time that their value does not equal their achievements. I have been more of a concierge parent than my parents were, or than I planned to be. During the school year my kids understand that school is their job. ECs come next but those are a privilege not a right. If the grades dip, the ECs can go. Family time happens many times each week, usually over a meal but could also be something purely for fun. Learning to do household chores happens in the summer. Both already know the basics of laundry, meals, cleaning and grocery shopping.
My DS16 could be considered a bright slacker. He can master whatever he decides to but has no internal need to always be the top of the class. He is also a 3 sport varsity athlete. He will graduate with 10APs and mostly honors otherwise. He has refused to be part of the stressed out, grade obsessed (his words) students that make up the very top of his class. He has independently managed his own homework since the 3rd grade but I did check the parent portal 1 or 2 times a quarter to make sure he was on track. This has been a grade saver at times. Time management is his strength but there is only so much of it in a day. He was lucky to sleep, so chores have not been something we have required much of during the school year. He does have tasks he does to earn his gas money and does drive his sibling around for us when he is available. I was very involved in his college search from an administrative perspective. Deadline tracking was my job, completing testing and applications was his. He was accepted everywhere he applied with merit at all but one.
DD20 is a much more driven student. She has high personal standards. She is more inclined to be stressed about all she needs to get done and needs more sleep. We have already discussed that Val/sal is not really her goal but that she wants to take most of the highest level classes because she can and would be less challenged if she did not. She only plays one sport but does do club outside of school season. She is VERY independent about schoolwork and rarely asks for help of any kind. I have no need to check the parent portal because she tells me how she is doing throughout the quarter. She is accelerated in math and does occasionally ask DS for tips since the teachers are the same that he had. I am sure the college search process will be different. She will likely be reminding me of deadlines. :-).
@khmamma , I am the “average” excellent poster. I gotta say, I haven’t heard the term “concierge parent”, but guilty as charged. Having said that, it isn’t a conscious decision. It’s more laziness on my part. Clothes don’t get washed unless I wash them. I could make a battle out of it, but I choose other battles instead. I have to say, I grew up as a grade A slob, and eventually I became house-proud (hubby would disagree, haha!) It happens to the best of us;-)
My take is, I make sure they do the important stuff that they need to do, I make sure they do some regular chores, but I don’t care if their rooms are clean. Beds don’t get made, no one cares. During the week, it’s home work, studying, practice (sports, music) then chill out if there is time. Chores are for weekends and for summer. In fact, chores are a summer obsession. Then it’s weed the vegetable patch, paint, fix stuff, etc… They will learn how to wash clothes when they need to.
@hoosiermom , love that you charged your kids money. I charge my kids money too. Miss the bus? That’ll be three bucks please. Forgot your homework and need it dropped off at school? $5 , because that entails a panic element. Want to go out for burgers with friends? Hope you have some cash!
@SlackerMomMD , I can’t agree enough about parent portal. I too stopped looking at it in the middle of eldest’ tenth grade. It was making both of us insane. I don’t need to know that she got a 100, or a 70. I trust her to do her best. Nowadays, I only look at the portal at mid marking period, for both kids. Much less stress for all.
@Lindagaf - I just made up the term “concierge parent” because that’s what I feel like these days. Or maybe I’m just the Julie. the cruise director;)
I just want to say that the toddler plug story actually made me LOL.
@khmamma , you said it here first. Give it 6 months, there will be an article in the Times education supplement. “Concierge Parenting-- The New Compromise.” I would patent it now if I were you:-)
@khmamma, @Lindagaf - yes, I think the term “concierge parent” is brilliant!
I am envisioning online quizzes teasing out fine distinctions among helicopter, tiger, and concierge parenting, and grant proposals for projects to follow outcomes in college admissions and beyond. Might even be good for an MS thesis or two, somewhere.
I think Amy Chua was actually a combination concierge mom/tiger mom, now that I think about it.
And I also LOVED the toddler vacuum plug story.
If you do stuff for your kid, that would be a concierge parent. If you demand/pressure/browbeat your kid into doing things excessively, especially at the expense of something else or with significant sacrifice off sleep, time, fun, etc, that’s a tiger parent.