Any tips from parents whose kids were rejected from their dream school/job/summer program? What did you do to make them feel better? D brushed it off as if it’s nothing, but I know she is just trying to hide how much she hurts. Thank you all in advance!
I am an alumni interview so DD grew up hearing about all the amazing applicants that were rejected every year. We did a lot of prep leading up to rejection season reinforcing that it is never personal, nor a reflection of worth, nor of future potential. My daughter’s first disappointment came right before xmas last year. She was more angry than hurt and it helped that friends were experiencing the same thing so she didn’t feel alone.
Try to get your own emotions and check too (I know, easier said than done), but try to focus what is still on the table. Kids will bloom where they are planted!
@momofsenior1, thanks. Unfortunately, she has no close friends that are going through this (she’s a junior and none of her friends applied to competitive summer programs, or at least haven’t shared whether they applied.
She also has a tendency to hide her pain and pretend that everything is fine, and it may come out only months later (if at all), how much she was actually hurting… 
I consider losses, defeats and rejections as some of the greatest opportunities to teach our kids about life itself. I also believe it’s very important to teach our kids long before the college application results start coming in. All kids typically have some moments of defeats and triumphs in their lives – local chess tournaments, swim meets, soccer matches, etc. They’d know that life’s not always about triumphs nor all about defeats. You win some, you lose some. My kids have had a plenty of experiences from early on what it’s like to win and what it’s like to lose. I’d rely on their own experiences to drive home the importance of having a proper perspectives on life. What’s critical about college application is never to inculcate in the young minds that there’s ONE dream school and everything else is pretty much a failure.
If she doesn’t have a plan B and C for the summer, maybe it would good to start thinking and talking through that. Summer programs can be great but there are so many other ways to have meaningful summer experiences.
I hate to say it but it’s good practice for college admission season.
Hugs to you both! It sucks seeing your kids hurting but these bumps in the road help them to develop a bit more grit and resiliency.
For my D when she lost one big opportunity, she was sad and upset initially, but by losing that opportunity, another one opened up for her, that ended up being better. So the message is , you did not get X, but I bet you can find Y which will end up being better than X for you, even if not in the short time, but in the long run.
That’s one of the great things about sports, IMO, it humbles everyone, whether by rejection (cut), injury, demotion, defeat, etc. Builds and reveals one’s character.
I’d let it go and when she’s ready to discuss, then discuss it.
@typiCAmom I’m feeling your pain. This was my daughter’s third and final chance at NSLI-Y and she was rejected again. She’s in her room crying and trying to be quiet about it but I can hear her. My heart is broken. She started refreshing her email at 4:30 p.m. and then saw people excitedly posting their acceptances at 5:00. I could see her face drop as the minutes ticked by with no email. Then around 5:30, she got the rejection email. It probably hurt the most this year because she really put so much effort into the (very long) application. She participated in the live Webinars, read tons of the adventure blogs from the experienced NSLI-Y students, etc.
She’s not a standout at school. It;s been tough during high school - more than her fair share of disappointments - can’t seem to catch a break. She knows she is probably going to only get into her “likely” college and she’s fine with that. She had just really hoped that this one thing would somehow work out - that she’d be “special” in this way (her word). She didn’t tell any of her friends that she was applying so she doesn’t have anyone to share her sadness with except for me. And right now she’s not ready.
And, yes, I know this will teach her life lessons and I will help be supportive as she picks herself up once again. I had just hoped that this one time things would go her way.
Hugs to your daughter.
Failure is a part of life. I have always taught my kids to try something. If you get it, great if not, either reassess or try again. Sports is an excellent way to learn how to lose. So important these days. Also, if these lessons aren’t taught at a young age, it becomes really tough to learn the lesson of failure later.
You really can’t make them feel better, but you can be open about it and acknowledge it stings. They need to feel it so they can move past it. It’s a powerful thing to know you can pick yourself up and move on after being rejected. It makes you more resilient.
Well, when there’s a chance of rejection, that’s when you add in matches and safeties. On CC, we talk all thetime about getting that first rolling admit, knowing you have something else in hand. And not “dreaming.” We had the talks with D1 before she applied, not after the disappointing news.
If this is about sumer programs, same: have a Plan B she can be excited about.
We teach resilience all along, not just after they stumble.
Riverboat, your post really resonates with me.
I think you have a lot of opportunities before your D leaves home to point out how special she is. “Back in the day” (when dinosaurs roamed the earth and we were all in high school) a person could be special and distinctive by being kind, loyal, a devoted grandchild or someone who shovels the elderly neighbors walk when it snows (without being asked, and without getting paid). I don’t see so much of these “special” acts any more- it’s all about winning, scholastic achievement, coming in first.
Maybe your D’s disappointment is a great way for you to reinforce what a good person she is, how and why that makes her special, having nothing to do with being a “standout”. She’s a standout because she wanted something and really put her heart into applying- that’s a wonderful quality. Win, lose, draw- showing initiative and hard work is NEVER a losing strategy.
Big hug to your d.
@Riverboat, that’s a heartbreaker.
Thanks everyone. I too agree it’s a good thing to learn that rejection is a part of life. I think what makes it harder is not knowing why she was rejected. When losing at swimming, she knew that other kids won because they probably practiced more, so it was a bit of a choice/control, i.e., if she really wanted to win, she could have practiced more, made more sacrifices, etc. With this summer program, she has no idea why she wasn’t chosen. Last year when she has applied and was rejected as well, there was some other explanation - her essays were somewhat boring, she had no challenges to write about, etc. I felt she made the best use of her summer even without a summer program, doing a myriad of interesting things, so this year her essays were much better, funny, meaningful, etc. And still it dudn’t make a difference.
I guess my question could be rephrased - how do you comfort a teenager who doesn’t want to be comforted and pretends things are fine, but I know inside she’s hurting and her self-esteem is plummeting. Even if she is accepted in another competitive summer program, she may still mourn this rejection because she feels it’s a referendum on her…
@blossom Thanks so much for your post. It touched my heart because my daughter is similar to what you described. She knows (and I will definitely reinforce this) that she is special to me and others in our family because of her kindness and generosity of spirit. For whatever reason, at school, it’s been a string of rejections - nothing earth-shattering and it’s a large HS so lots of kids don’t make sports teams, don’t get cast in the musicals, etc. She keeps trying. She’ll be fine. She has good friends.
Just waiting for that one, wonderful YES-we-chose-you moment for something that she has applied to/tried out for/auditioned for. It will happen. Just not today.
As much as we say that all of these rejections, in whatever form, are good for kids and teach resilience, it’s still hard to watch them go through it. I think one thing I’d say to them is that they will look back on this years from now and this will just be a blip. In the meantime, though, you can suffer with them but you can’t suffer for them. Hugs to all of the disappointed kids, and their parents who have to watch them go through it.
@riverboat, yes, we are in exactly the same shoes. D found out only after school, but I was checking her portal earlier in the day, and when I saw no medical form appear by 2 PST, I knew that’s most likely a rejection. A part of me wishes D was crying her heart out right now, but she went straight to her planned volunteer gig and
I can just picture her smiling wide and pretending to be fine.
I tried to de-dream the program weeks before, mentioning how she would most likely travel to that country during study abroad in college, and other study abroad programs like Bronfman may in fact be more interesting and provide unique, better experiences, etc. She said, “mom, let’s not talk about it, ok, you’ll just jinx it”. And when I tried to say something along the same lines now, she just gently brushed it off again, “mom, it’s not a big deal.” But I know it is a huge deal to her, and I just wish she found a way to express her disappointment, or anger, or whatever she might be feeling now.
Thanks everyone!
River, if it’s any consolation, you could be describing one of my kids. And after trying out for EVERYTHING (kid had a thick skin at least) finally got a part in the HS musical and was told “you’ll be in the back, part of the chorus, you can dance but don’t actually sing” (terrible voice). So that was something of a mixed blessing. And that came after the track coach said “You can come to workouts but you’re not fast enough to compete”. Etc. Talk about a mixed message.
BUT- (and here’s the good news) college was a game-changer!!! After a rocky social scene in HS and so many “oops, you weren’t picked” moments- college was completely different. Bigger playing field. SO many opportunities- volunteer, clubs, performances, work for a professor, get a gig waitressing for swanky alumni affairs events, literally- something for everyone. It’s not HS. Everyone is following their own path and voice; dozens for opportunities to shine all the time. Kid won a departmental fellowship for a paid summer overseas and there was ONE applicant (my kid). Kid got a fantastic job working for a professor as an editor (strong writer) and fact-checker; paid well, terrific experience, guess how many people applied? One.
So just have her hang in there. The whole “there’s only room for one and you’re not it” syndrome in HS goes away if the campus she picks is big enough to have ample opportunities for everyone to shine. And being a kind, decent, honest person is always in vogue, whether or not society appreciates it.
Big hug to you.
For my violinist son who’s had numerous violin concerto competitions since his first-ever competition at age 10, including auditioned and highly competitive and coveted summer programs, there was one YouTube video that served us well. Even if your kids are not musicians, one can relate to this and learn so much from it. It’s about John Nakamatsu, the pianist who eventually won the 1997 Gold Medal Cliburn Competition. Listen to it if you’re interested in why I say he won this competition “eventually.” It’s a lesson that can touch all areas of life that one can relate to. Enjoy “the Loser’s Club”:
Our kids each were rejected from one college. Both did the same as your daughter did…they just brushed it off, and moved on.
We really didn’t say much of anything.
Both landed at terrific undergrad schools.