I like what you wrote @tigerdad
Yep. D19 has generally sailed pretty easily through life and school and not been rejected for much of consequence (her only real disappointment has been minor rather than major parts in school drama productions), and there will be rejections coming this season, so it is something we will have to navigate. She did come home from school today where they had had an inspiring discussion in one class about college being the beginning, not the end - with many high schoolers seemingly so focused on getting into “the” dream school, that they forget it’s only the first step on a long journey. It did seem to give her some perspective - that there are a number of ways to take that first step - not sure if this perspective is of help to others. Other than hugs and hot chocolate and lots of reassurance, perspective is probably the best to offer?
I try to set expectations ahead of time that one school, one summer program, etc. is not the end all and be all. It really isn’t. There are so many great summer opportunities and schools. Am trying to discourage the idea of a dream school.
With that said, yes, sometimes it’s very disappointing. I feel for your kids because we’ve all been there. I remember the sting of not getting into my dream school. When stuff like that happens, I say it’s fine and understandable to be sad and disappointed for a day or two. Then, it’s important to regroup and move forward. There could be something better out there for them.
And as I am reading this post am listening to the news talk about President George H.W. Bush:
-Lost a U.S Senate Race
-Elected to Congress
-Tried to run for U.S. Senate again
-Lost again
-Named Director of CIA
-Lost the presidential nomination to Reagan
-Became U.S. Vice President
-Tried to run again
-Elected U.S. President
-Lost a 2nd term to Clinton
(I don’t know if I got all of those details right, but you get the picture.)
Then there’s Michael Jordan not making the varsity basketball team his sophomore year of HS, and we all know what came of that.
These are things we can share with our kids to teach that success favors those who don’t give up. One rejection or loss doesn’t define you. How you deal with it does.
Hugs and healing to your daughter, @typiCAmom. So many kind words and thoughts here.
Wasn’t Dr Suess rejected umpteen times? And JKRowling was.
We taught are kids how to handle rejection early on. It is definitely harder for some though. Son played sports and chess and as mentioned, you win /lose sometimes in the same day. My daughter was in theater. That is really rough. They actually taught them how to handle rejections and move on.
But my son applied to a University of Michigan engineering camp like 3 years in a row and got rejected. He went to other camps but guess where he goes to school for engineering? Michigan… Things always tend to work out in the end.
Personally… Ice cream tends to help me in these situations. 
(please no posts about binge eating while upset… Lol)
Yes @Knowsstuff, and even better when I’m eating it straight out of the carton.
I always tried to make things about the learning not the accolades and somehow that stuck. Is there another way to accomplish what the NSLI would have provided her? That’s what I would be focusing on. If it was about the prestige and not the thing itself, I would point that out (gently).
@riverboat if this is similar have her check out…
https://clscholarship.org/
My daughter did this, this past summer. It is also through the state department. It is very competitive but a great experience. If you have any question let me know or pm me.
Consider that you might be projecting feelings onto her that don’t reflect the intensity of her own feelings or her way of processing disappointment… Her resistance to parental comforting might be a signal to you that parental nurturing is just going to magnify feelings of disappointment and make it more difficult for her to move on. Worse, she could take it as a signal that YOU are the one who is disappointed and that she has let you down.
Some people are more resilient than others – and really can brush off feelings of disappointment and move on. And I think the more resilient ones do better in life – so it’s not a bad quality to have. She knows that the program was competitive, and she knows there will be other opportunities in the future.
And yes she is in fact feeling disappointed – but as the parent of two very resilient young adults, I think that she is signaling to you loud and clear that she doesn’t want to dwell on this and she doesn’t want expressions of sympathy.
Keep in mind that your daughter has not been “rejected”. She simply didn’t get accepted. There’s a difference: when a person applies for a competitive position, whether a job, college admission, summer program, role in a play, etc. — there are a limited number of openings. Not everyone will get in. Some are selected, others are not. Not being selected is not a “rejection” and should not be looked at that way. (“Rejection” is when a person is ousted from a position they already have. Fired from a job; expelled from school, dumped by a romantic partner, etc.)
I think its natural for parents to want to protect our kids and keep them happy, but sometimes we need to have faith in their ability to handle things on their own.
@calmom - “I think its natural for parents to want to protect our kids and keep them happy, but sometimes we need to have faith in their ability to handle things on their own.”
Well said, and I cannot add anything more to this except to re-emphasize that kids are more resilient than we think. Have a faith in them and let them be. Fight off our natural tendency as parents to intervene. As an old saying goes, “don’t push the river; it flows by itself.” Life has a way of making things right in the end.
So watch for future signs, but don’t burden her today for a discussion or expect her to dissect feelings she may be dealing with in her own way. I just hug and say, “Im here if you need me.” Win-Win,
OP may truly know her D just stuffs the feelings and something cracks later. But at this age, you can only press so much. They can want the respect of giving them time. Too much attention on an issue only makes it heavier. (Until they need you.)
I’ve always told my children I value their character. I am proud of them when they work towards a goal and put themselves out there. If they’re successful then I celebrate with them, if they aren’t then I am sad with them. However, it’s more important to me that they have a goal and work towards it than the specific outcome. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt it just means it doesn’t change the way I see them. Sometimes one does have to evaluate their goals. Too much rejection can make the effort seem seem futile. It can be a time to reevaluate. That too can be a sign of character.
I always told my daughter that you can’t be told “yes” without the risk that you might be told “no.”
As a former high school teacher in an affluent suburb, I witnessed first-hand the cultivation of narcissism and self-absorption in the students by the parents, the counselors, the faculty, the principal and the students themselves. Living inside a sealed bubble, they lacked a realistic framework for judging their competitiveness vis-a-vis college applicants from outside their bubble community. Frequently praised with “awesome!” from faculty, counselors and parents for mediocre work, they developed a severely inflated sense of self-worth. No surprise that they were shocked when they failed to gain admission to schools which they believed were worthy to receive them.
One of the best things that happened to my children was frequent travel outside of the local community when they were between the ages of 7 and 14. One particular visit to the Dharavi “slum” community in Mumbai shook my children’s perspective of what “capable” means. They met several teens their age who lived in small one room shelters without running water and bathrooms. Yet, they taught younger children in a one-room school house in the forest and invented a variety of contraptions to make their family lives a bit easier. My sons were deeply humbled by how much these teens had accomplished with so little. They stayed in touch for a while afterwards.
What I am saying is that while rejection is painful, some of that pain can be caused unnecessarily by a culture of narcissism and entitlement that some schools and communities co-create, aided by the personal echo chambers of social media.
Every now and then I re-watch the video “You Are Not Special Commencement Speech from Wellesley High School” and chuckle.
@riverboat, @typiCAmom As a parent of a kid who somehow got selected to participate in both Summer and Academic Year NSLIY programs (our kid came off as an alternate for AY program), I feel for your kids and your situations.
I am assuming your kids were not selected as Semifinalists, and did not interview. What I can tell you is they have to distribute spots geographically, which means if you are from populated areas, there were many applicants. For example, if you live in New York, they are not going to pick more than two or several from that region. Also, I noticed most of selected kids had good academic stats, especially if you are from upper middle class families. They also have to balance make and female ratio, I believe.
You might want to look at Middlebury summer language program. I seriously looked at this as an alternative.
Again, I feel for you guys because I have been through the NSLIY application experience.
You might want to watch Rudy (Notre Dame football guy) documentary.
The fact that they dreamed and put in effort into application in itself was meaningful. Don’t give up the goal of learning another language.
Also, I am not in favor of using euphemisms to distort reality in an effort to protect the feelings of my children. “Rejection” is defined as “the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.” So many colleges did reject my children’s applications. Period. That is fact. They were not “not selected”. Plus my children are smart enough to know that rejection is an accurate description and that if I were to use an euphemism for their rejected applications, then that would mean that I considered my children inadequate to accept reality.
One of the silliest euphemisms I’ve heard came from a director of curriculum at a public school district. She assiduously avoided the word “failure”, instead she used “non-success”. Imagine how her students will react to the demanding real-world of employers and customers when they as employees commit “non-success”.
As @blossom points out, college is a great opportunity for growth and to leave all those painful moments behind (other than to use them as forces of resiliency). So many clubs and organizations that matter to the kid. So many new ways to shine and find one’s voice. Finding one’s tribe and growing with that is a great feeling.
I think sometimes just telling them how proud of them you are and of course that you love them can be powerful. One time in a similar situation I did this and my son said “why” ? I got to go off and explain all the great things that he did to get to the this point he finally said “OK, I get it” and we both laughed.
I believe you have to think you are unique even though you should realize many are unique in different ways. I needed that to keep my confidence up as 3.0 gpa person from HS to graduate school. It must have worked because everyone thought I must have 4.0 gpa. Lol. I must have been one of few persons who applied to Harvard with 3.0 high school gpa. I actually thought I had a chance too. Lol. I would have gotten 3.0 gpa whether I went to Harvard or a community college.