How do you help your kid deal with rejection?

Parents Forum
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Remember when your kids were little and they would cry and then watch your reaction. If you reacted in a big way so did they too. Yep. Kids mirror our reactions to things big and small. They watch parents in their daily lives and see how they react to big things ( job loss, health issues) and small things (someone takes your parking spot or you don’t get a job). We’re entrepreneurs so things can go crazy fast and our kids have seen that. Crazy good and crazy bad. But we’re on the rollercoaster of life, and we do our best.

My kiddo didn’t make a team this week. The thing was, this wasn’t news. Based on the tryouts, it was apparent. They held a meeting with each kid and told them. Some were crying. Some were upset. Kiddo said when they said it, they were surprised at his/her reaction. S/he said yep, I know that’s fine. Then s/he had a plan to call another coach today so another winter sport could be in the picture. We laughed a lot after in the car. The sport wasn’t something very safe so the tryouts were a bit wild. S/he kept reliving the picture of doing this sport with little skill which made it very high risk. S/he said, “Yep I’m just glad I made it through the day alive” We laughed some more. Just doing it and getting out there is what counts. If kiddo was sad about it, I wouldn’t have said much. Some growing is done quietly and some is done by talking it out.

Personally, I was really happy that kiddo knew enough to know that s/he wasn’t the best and wouldn’t be accepted. Kids today expect that they will get into every program, college and get every job they apply for. This is just not going to happen. Our kids have always done competitive things so they have lost, a lot. And they have won big awards too. But they know it’s a risk. Even better they know there are MANY talented kids out there. They respect their competitors. They don’t need to know exactly why someone else won. Sometimes it’s something you left out. Sometimes someone else did something in a very creative, unique way. It doesn’t matter. Some people did better than you in that category. Kids who do sports also know this especially if they compete on a high level.
Guess I could have said this in a sentence. I wouldn’t overemphasize this “rejection” too much. S/he can reapply or do something else. There are so many opportunities in life!

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My kids know I’m proud of them. They also know that failing and rejections are not life or death situations. My S knows he has done his best throughout high school. He knows dome schools may reject him. He knows if it is his preferred school he will be disappointed, but he will know he really did do his best and will move on and make the most of it.

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Another angle to the “be there for them but let them deal with it themselves” thinking, is that in half a year or so they’ll be moving away from home, and they will need to have their own coping mechanisms to deal with stuff.

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Rejection sucks. We still feel the sting of it as adults. No one likes it - but it’s how we handle it that determines our character. I have one daughter who auditioned for BFA programs for drama. Talk about a process filled with rejection. She applied to 17 schools and was accepted at 3. After some auditions, she knew immediately she was not going to make the cut. There were a lot of tears and a lot of long, quiet drives home. It depends on the kid, but with her, she needed about 2 hours to “wallow” and then could say “onward and upward” and we would reframe in order to approach the next one. I guess I’m saying follow your kid’s lead - some kids need more time than others. Some need more help than others. One of my other daughters was cut from the high school volleyball team as a junior - it was a devastating blow to her. She needed more than two hours (it took her more like 2 days) and then she asked herself: “Okay - what am I going to do with my time now?” A friend convinced her to audition for the school play. And, no, this isn’t going to be a college essay where “God closed a window but opened a door” and she got the lead - she was cast as “Bumpkin Number 3.” Another disappointment but she wanted to be with her friends so she stuck with it and she had a good time and, as I told her, she was the 'best bumpkin she could be." Try to approach the rejections with grace, good humor and positivity. Allow them to feel angry, upset and hurt - but not to stay there. And if they need more help, find it. Best of luck to you and your child - we hurt so much when they hurt.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words. I decided I need to respect her wishes and not smolder her with commisseration. If she wants to cry alone at night, she can do it. If she wants to share with her peers instead of her parents - her friends are a phone call away. If she wants to digest her disappointment alone and move on - ice cream’s in the freezer.

I did mention before saying good night that I thought her application this year was much stronger than last year, but her honesty might have worked against her. She made it abundantly clear how much she loves the language and culture, how she plans to study the language in college, etc. I am sure she will get her chance with the study abroad program in college which would probably be more useful in the long run. Program’s AOs might have realized the same thing and probably decided to give the spot to someone who may not get another chance to visit that country, learn the language, etc. My goal wasn’t to comfort her in a sense “it wasn’t your fault you were not chosen” (ok, maybe it was, a litte bit), but to remind her that her dream will come true, just at a later time.

To answer some of your questions, no, prestige wasn’t one of her considerations. Knowing her, she likely won’t be disappointed to be rejected from TASP, since for her it’s just one of the regular pre-collegiate programs, just more competitive. She hasn’t applied to some of the other prestigious study abroad programs like YES Abroad because she isn’t interested in the countries/languages they offer. She has applied to two other competitive study abroad programs where she would be interested (but not as ecstatic) in living, but since she hasn’t been as excited about these programs and hasn’t put in as much effort into applications, we both know her chances are even slimmer and I believe she won’t be disappointed in those rejections.

She knows it will be a good summer regardless - she’ll be 16 in May, can finally work, drive, etc. Selfishly, I want her to stay at home since there is so little time left before she leaves the nest (it’s besides the point and only to answer those who asked if I might be projecting my own disappointment onto D). She isn’t interested in language study in the U.S., and I couldn’t find any immersion programs for high schoolers in that particular country that I would trust enough to send her alone. That specific program was just a dream of hers.

I know most people out there advise against falling in love with a dream - dream college, dream house, etc. But if you don’t set a goal, where to find the motivation and inspiration to challenge yourself? One of D’s friends is very vocal about not taking harder AP classes, or studying for SAT’s, etc. I.e., why bother making so much effort in high school, when you can go to community college, transfer to a UC, and end up at grad school with Harvard grads. Makes total sense, right? Except for the fact that someone who doesn’t work hard in high school might not get a stellar GPA in cc enough to transfer to a good UC, or may find out that UC is so much harder than cc to maintain good grades.

So I let my girl dream, even encourage her, since it gives her incentive to be the best she can be. Yes, I did everything I could to focus her dreams on our state school with a unique language flagship program (about 40% chance for someone with her stats), instead of an elite next door, which is a lottery for everyone. But it’s a dream nevertheless, and thus a chance it won’t come true. So the rejection might still be heartbreaking, but I think it would still be worth it.

Again, thanks to everyone!

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It’s ok to have goals, a favorite college, etc. It’s more that “dreams” are dreams, not always grounded in reality. Not always balanced.

We try to avoid using the word “fault,” at all, for what it implies. We ask them to try their best, commiserate when they have a loss, but inform them that, for other people’s decisions, “It’s…beyond…your…control.” An adcom team’s decisions, a program’s choices, getting that job, are not in our control. You do your part as best you can, then it’s up to them.

With college apps, “You did your best, now it’s in their hands.”

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Why is she not interested in language study in the US? That one is a little peculiar. You have to start somewhere…

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When facing a potential rejection/failure I remind my kids that they ARE NOT their application. The forms represent a one aspect of themselves, and some people present better on paper than others. Its also true that some kids are more mature, evolved and accomplished by age 18 than others, and will present better to college admissions. This is by no means the end of the race. Many kids peak in high school… were supported heavily by parents and were polished like a ripe little apple. My husband and I were lack-luster high school students but peaked in college and went on to law and medical school. We now own six different companies, ranging from pain management to a toxicology lab. I remind my kids of this- undergrad is the beginning of their story, not the end!

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@CCtoAlaska, as a heritage speaker, D is pretty fluent, her major deficiencies are spelling and grammar, and maybe some advanced/specialized vocabulary. Most standard language classes would not work for her: she’d be bored during the phonetics/reading/vocabulary portions of the class and struggling with writing correctly. That’s why her dream school is the one with a special “track” for heritage speakers, geared exactly towards kids like her. That is also the reason the program she was rejected from was not a perfect fit, but D dreamed of going to that country, living there for several weeks, practicing the language with the host family, etc. I’ve looked into some options, such as well-run summer camps in that country, ones equipped to support kids from abroad, but ruled that out due to logistics :frowning:

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“My goal wasn’t to comfort her in a sense ‘it wasn’t your fault you were not chosen’ (ok, maybe it was, a litte bit), but to remind her that her dream will come true, just at a later time.”

I know young people can hear this, OP, and be moved to a better place by holding onto it.

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@typiCAmom that makes a lot more sense then. I can also see why she might have been rejected from the program over that :(. It’s hard to find heritage speaker classes here but it sounds like she’s on the right track with it. Can she go and visit family/friends or is it not possible?

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@CCtoAlaska, yes, she’s been to the country twice for short visits, but she hates how her grandmother parades her around relatives and elderly friends, so that’s really not the best use of her time. I researched some more and found out there may be a way for D to attend an international session at literally the best state-sponsored summer camp in that country if D can form a team and participate in a literary language competition (it’s practically impossible to buy your way into that camp, all sessions are awarded for various competitions across the country). So if she is able to pull it off and her team wins, it would also be possible to have multiple parents cooperate and chaperone kids to and from camp, making it logistically easier for each individual family. D is now super excited and is already making plans for asking potential teammates, etc. If this miraculously works out, it would be a fantastic experience for her and exactly the right fit. Of course, this competition might be even more competitive than the program she’s just been rejected from, but I think the experience of forming a team and preparing required presentations would be invaluable i and of itself.

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S and D handle rejection quite differently.

S is an athlete. He knows what he needs to do to improve. He can see it and is more logical about it. He was a good baseball player in HS (4 yr varsity / 2 yr captain) but it wasn’t without constant battles and fighting for a spot. He’d play great several games in a row and then coach would try someone else in his spot for several games. Although quite positive in the dugout, you could tell he was very disappointed with sitting. I’d ask him why he was “benched” and he truthfully wouldn’t know but then decide it made sense to get in extra reps over the weekend to stay sharp so we’d go to the park for hours and I’d hit him hundreds of balls, etc. That attitude has always helped him grind through challenges.

D is a strong theater performer (a living, breathing drama queen). Her whole life is about auditions and acceptance/rejection. She gets her fair share of roles but gets very mad when she doesn’t get chosen. She withdraws to her room and naps, sulks, etc for a day or two. I remind her that her future is going to be full of this and she has to find a way to not get so upset each time. I try to get her to file each audition in her brain and grow from the experience vs. reliving the experience each time. Hard concept for her to grasp, especially with the group of girls at her performing arts school. They act like they’re supportive (hugs / kisses) but they are really pretty cut throat. Normal girl stuff on steroids!

The good part about both kids is they’ve had their fare share of “winning and losing”. They know how each feels. They know it’s worth doing all the work to have that great feeling of accomplishment. That will serve them well.

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@typiCAmom maybe I am not understanding but it sounds like your actually setting up your daughter for more rejection and failure to me. I know it’s not the same thing but isn’t there an immersive program she can do to help with her goals?

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OP- don’t let the perfect become the enemy of the good.

ANY chance for your D to gain fluency (or near fluency, even if it involves being nice to family members) sounds like a fantastic opportunity. Sub-optimal? Maybe. Perfect? No. But fantastic in its own right? For sure.

You are assuming that each family on the team is going to be as excited as you guys are about chaperoning, travel costs, etc. which might not be all that realistic.

Hello grandma!

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Just reading @blossom post. Can she go to grandma and maybe live a bit with someone’s house her own age like a neighbor? That would be very immersive. Or goes to Grandma and she hangs with people her own age etc. Usually in different countries there are actually immersive programs like schools for people wanting to learn the language. I think that can be the best of both worlds.

There are programs you can do as a group/family /friends called workaway.

https://www.workaway.info/

You exchange room /board for volunteering and lots of places it’s teaching English. You could exchange teaching English for an immersive experience for your daughter and maybe some friends. My daughter did this in Vietnam while traveling through Southeast Asia. Something to check out… There are other programs like this. There are pay for immersive programs also if it’s within your budget. Then you can just make your own program. Just a thought

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@Knowsstuff, I guess I am a cruel mom… I don’t want to shield my kids from failure and rejection, I want to teach them to deal with it and move on. Doesn’t stop me from hurting and commiserating with them when they hurt.

I looked up statistics on last year’s competition 410 kids applied, 150 got selected, so odds are much better. The requirements and judging criteria are also clear, which would be a big help.

Regarding immersion programs, I did look into them. Even the one highly praised in the U.S. had mixed reviews (ok, one review), saying that only half the class was able to keep up with the class pace, so the teacher was forced to slow down. As far in-country study programs, as I mentioned they are not teen-specific, and I don’t feel comfortable yet sending her to a program where she’d be surrounded mostly by adults. She is tall and gorgeous and may look like an 18 year old, but is still uncomfortable with strangers making unwanted advances.

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@blossom, that’s the thing. D will get plenty of chances to improve her language once she goes to college, so it’s not a zero sum situation. If there were no alternatives, then yes, staying with relatives and being bored to death might be worth it. The only one somewhat close in age to D is my niece who is in medical school and will be an intern this summer, so barely time to sleep :frowning:

I just think D would enjoy her summer more if she stays home, gets a job, hangs out with friends, etc. And a few years later, as a young adult, she would get lots of opportunities to travel abroad to study, or work, or volunteer, etc.

As for the team I mentioned - D would need to find those 4 teammates herself, so she would need to recruit those who’d be just as excited to attend as she, whose parents would be on board, etc. I realize it would be a pretty difficult undertaking, a lot harder than say forming a school club, but a lot more rewarding, too. If D can pull it off, I hope she feels she accomplished a lot more than writing a few essays…

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@typiCAmom I think that sounds awesome to select another goal. I completely get not wanting to stay with family - she won’t get what she needs in terms of academic preparation anyway if she does that. Good luck to her!

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@typiCAmom. I give her credit. She is bouncing back and taking a leadership role. This experience sounds like an answer to one of the college essays she will have to write also… Lol… . I teach both my college kids (d21/s19) to make things happen for themselves and “bet” on yourself), both have reaped the awards at college of doing this. Good luck to her.