How has it been for those who are soooo far away that you get homesick?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>My son is a junior in high school and is VERY naive -- rarely knows what he wants. He often regrets decisions although at the time he made them he was "sure" that he wanted. Also, MANY times he thinks he will hate something only to find that he "loves" it after I insist that he "try it" (hubby is the SAME way -- clueless about how he will feel about things untried). My son insists that he wants to go "far away" to college. I am certain that he will regret being so far away that he won't be able to come home more than just at major holidays. </p>

<p>I would prefer that he go to a school that is no more than 300 miles away so that he could come home whenever he feels the need. (Luckily, there are many great colleges within that range - some within 150 miles!) </p>

<p>My own niece insisted that she wanted to go far away because she is the oldest of 4 kids and wanted to "get away" from all the family drama. Yet when she came home for Thanksgiving, she didn't want to go back! Her parents were upset since she had accepted a full-ride merit scholarship to that school and wouldn't be able to get a similar package at another school at this point (She was NMF). (My son will also probably be NMSF (won't know for sure until Sept) so I don't want this to happen to my son, either)</p>

<p>Please post your own experiences. Did any of you regret going so far away that you can only come home twice a year? (I know many of you have no problem with this -- I, too, was very independent and only came home twice a year)). What I want is input from those who "thought" that they could handle the extreme distance but soon found out that they couldn't (phone calls weren't enough!). </p>

<p>Please don't misunderstand.... I am not a mom who can't cut the apron strings. I have another son in high school who is VERY independent and if he wants to go to school on the other side of the country, that would be fine with me. He isn't the least bit "needy" (and I don't mean that in a "mean" way -- Younger son is just able to "handle" everything that comes his way -- he's a problem solver (thinks outside the box), while my older son is not)</p>

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<p>I really wanted to go far away when I was in high school, but have regretted it ever since. It's very overrated.</p>

<p>I also have a girlfriend back home which makes it even more difficult. I think wherever you go to college you are going to meet new types of people, and even if you go to a different part of the country, you probably won't have a car, so you'll be staying on campus most of the time anyways.</p>

<p>I really wish I went somewhere closer to home, to the point that I am considering transferring back up north.</p>

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I really wanted to go far away when I was in high school, but have regretted it ever since. It's very overrated.

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<p>That may be so. I think that kids get caught up with the cool idea of "being far away" from their parents (while still getting money from them, LOL) but then "reality" hits (such as your case of being away from your girlfriend). At my son's high school (which is only 10 years old) the first grads went far away but recently the newer grads are staying within 200-300 miles. Maybe the experiences of "older sibs" have taught some of the younger sibs to stay closer to their hometowns.</p>

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<p>Hurts for a year, then got used to it and now I don't mind being over 2000 miles away.</p>

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<p>SChoe: glad to hear that you adjusted after a year. Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>I don't fall into the category you specifically asked about, but I'll share the experience of some friends and I. I went 3000 miles from home and have rarely regretted my decision, that was at the very beginning, I now wouldn't change it for anything. My best friend went to school about an hour from home, lasted less than a month in school, and was too homesick. She decided she would rather be at home, and is working and going to community college while living at home. A second friend had a similar experience, she went to school about an hour and a half from home and decided that it wasn't for her, she missed her family and moved home at the end of the semester. One final friend, went to school about 7 hours from home and loves every minute of it. We were all close to our families, but sometimes if you are so close to home while at college homesickness is magnified rather than diminished, at least that is what I have found on my campus, those who are most homesick are those who are able to go home every weekend, not those who go home twice a year. I myself am planning to do an internship for the summer and perhaps spend a weekend or two with my family, but not the whole summer. Even for someone who is very close to their family going far away can be a real growing up experience.</p>

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<p>jessetfan -- I agree that going away is a "growing up" experience. I don't know if your examples prove that living a few hours away causes homesickness - the fact that your friends chose nearby schools in the first place may indicate a tendency not to want to be too far from mommy and daddy. </p>

<p>I know that my son and my hubby (his dad) have a lot of father/son struggles and that is why my son thinks he wants to go "far away". But he doesn't realize that he'll avoid those same 'fusses" even if he doesn't go as far. Plus, he is the "needy" type. I do want him to go away (to help him "grow up" and not be sooooo needy) but I also know that he isn't the "independent type" and will not do well if he goes toooo far away. </p>

<p>I think it has a lot to do with "personality type". If you are out-going, a problem-solver, organized and independent, than going far away will probably work out well. My younger son fits that description. My older son is NONE of these things. I hope by going away (but not tooooo far), he wil develop those things and then will be able to go to Oxford or wherever for grad school. </p>

<p>I don't want to be like my mom-in-law who knew my hubby wasn't ready to go far away for undergrad and just threw away the acceptances from such colleges and making him go local (without telling my hubby that he was accepted into HARVARD!!!!!). Altho, by the time my hubby was ready for grad school, he was ready and did go far away.</p>

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<p>There's something to be said for just "knowing" you can go home, even if you don't. For various reasons, my son is at a college about 30 minutes from home. However, we have NEVER visited him and let him have his space. He does come home to visit when he chooses to and it is no big deal. Probably the fact that he is the oldest child had something to do with it, and maybe he would be more comfortable going far away next year. But it was a good choice for him at that particular time in his life.</p>

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<p><<<< However, we have NEVER visited him >>></p>

<p>LOL My son did worry that if he didnt' go far, far away that we'd visit too much. I told him that we would NEVER visit unless specifically asked. When I took him to visit his safety school last week (which is 3 1/2 hours away) he could clearly see that we would not be able to just appear uninvited. No one is going to "surprise" visit when there is 7 hours driving to be done. :)</p>

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<p>Your description of the kid who regrets going to college far away fits me perfectly! I'm from San Antonio, and my first experience going away by myself for any significant period of time was in the summer after my junior year of hs, when I did a 4-week summer program at the University of Southern California. I cried every night (and sometimes during the day, privately of course) because I missed home, my parents, my friends, and my city so much. I seemed to have gotten over my homesickness for about the second half or last third of the program, but in retrospect I probably felt better because I could see the end in sight and knew I would be going home soon. However, I mistakenly interpreted this homesickness as a one-time thing that I had to get out of my system and that most kids were able to get rid of at summer camp (which I never went to). That's why I decided to (and my parents let me) go to New York City for college. Living in glamorous Manhattan, with its Broadway shows, Central Park, and vibrance had long been a dream of mine, and, when I got a full tuition scholarship, it was a feasible option for me. For about the first half of the first semester, I was pretty okay, my roommates and I got along great (we still do), and I was having a blast just exploring the city and college. Still, not a day went by when I didn't think about how I was missing out on things back home--little things, but things that I now realize mean a lot to me, like eating dinner with my parents, going to movies with my friends, going to my home church, driving a car, warm weather, walking dogs at the pound (where I volunteer), and the list goes on. The sadness of missing these "little" things grew progressively worse, and over Christmas break I would almost start crying just thinking about how I would have to leave everything I love again and go back to cold, bleak, lonely New York City. Anyway, I've decided to transfer, and I'll be going to college in San Antonio next semester and living at home. Now, I don't know if your son is anything like me, because I'm pretty different from most kids, especially when it comes to preferring to live with my parents (because I miss them THAT MUCH, and also because, while living with roommates is not terrible or anything, I really do value my privacy and would like to be able to just get away from it all in the evenings). It's not a matter of not be able to handle living alone and taking care of myself and my affairs that is (almost) forcing me to return home, it's a matter of emotional stress and strong personal preference. Although I won't be able to get a full scholarship at the school I transfer to, the money saved on room and board should make up for having to pay some tuition, so my parents will probably break even or even pay less than they do now. My father doesn't regret having let me go (sure, he regrets the fact that I sacrificed some big scholarships at Texas schools), because he realizes it's something I needed to do. If I had never gone to New York, I always would have wondered "What if..." and I never would have figured out that it's NOT the place for me.</p>

<p>Wow, that was incredibly long! I hope my case can provide some sort of insight for you and your son. Best of luck!</p>

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<p>I'm currently a freshman at a LAC in SoCal and I live in New York. Quite honestly, I much prefer it at school. Which is not to say that I don't miss home...I do. But I think I've reached that point in my life where I'm just ready to live life on my own and pave my own path. I'm an only child too, who has been smothered with love...overprotected, perhaps, to a fault. And yet, I think I'm doing fine so far. Good grades and a solid social life. I needed to work on going out and doing things on my own, and I'm learning how to do that better since I've been out here. It's all about learning and growing. So far, I've been home twice, 3 days for Thanksgiving and a month for winter break. I don't plan on going back for Spring Break, and hope to work over the summer away from home as well. I haven't "outgrown" home. I've just "outgrown" needing home all of the time. But should I need it, thankfully, it's still there, waiting. </p>

<p>By the way, with all due respect, I would be offended either as your son as or husband, if I saw this post on here. We all have faults, even you. You seem to be judging your son too harshy. It may scare you, but you don't know everything there is to know about your son. Perhaps there is a whole side of him you are completely ignorant of. If he wants to go to school far away from home, provided that he gives good reasons, I say let him go.</p>

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<p>Sarah: Thanks for taking the time to write such a thorough story. I suspect that their are others who feel/felt the same as you did.</p>

<p>I know that my cousin, who couldn't wait to "go far away" and have the freedoms that doing so would bring, cried her eyes out soon after she went away. I think sometimes such kids (not you, Sarah), get "tunnel vision" and all they can think about is having no curfews, no rules, no parents, no whatever and they can't see that there are other things (things that they like - such as their pets, siblings, girl/boy friends, etc) that aren't there when they are far away from home. My cousin missed her sister, her dog and her best friends, as well as her parents. She ended up transferring to UCLA (a 2 hour drive) so that she could come on various weekends/minor holidays and was much happier.</p>

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<p>I lived in NJ and went to Seton Hall for half of my freshman year. The ONLY reason I stayed in NJ for college was because I had a late minute panic attack and decided to stay instead. As the semester went on I just kept realizing why I wanted to move away in the first place, and I left halfway through the year and transferred out to Portland, Oregon (on the other side of the country). I left early January.
It's hard when it comes to food and $$. But I knew that I couldnt stand living with my family and all the drama that I had back home, so I left. I regretted STAYING in NJ it was the worst decision. I am glad I moved away. I have my own independence, I don't need to feel like I'm being watched or looked after, and it helps my family finally accept that I'm not a child anymore. I love it because I can do whatever I want whenever I want and with whoever I want and not have to worry about when I come home or who I'm coming home too. If your son has a truly valid reason for leaving , I'd say the worst thing you can do is discourage him, instead be supportive. I wish my family was supportive when I left. You may think he is naive or way over his head, but he may have a valid reason for why he wants to leave. My family were the naive ones who didn't even realize how much I hated my life in NJ. I had to take my matters in my own hands and make a major life change that I do not regret.
I miss homecooked meals, my car, my lizards and my dog(very much!).
Other than that, I am happy with what I did.
BTW, if he has a girfriend, I'd make sure he knows that it is crazy hard to hold a relationship together far far away (atleast in my case it was across the country). So he has to decide whether or not he is ready to be alone.</p>

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<p>profresh: Both my son and my hubby have seen my posts. There isn't anything there that they don't already know. My hubby readily admits that he wasn't ready to go away to school as an undergrad, and altho he was angry that his mom threw away his acceptance to Harvard, he understands that she knew that he wasn't ready. He just wishes that he had known about the acceptance and had a chance to "get ready" before he left.</p>

<p>My son KNOWS that he is unorganized and clueless about a lot of stuff. This isn't about "everybody has faults" -- of course everyone has faults. </p>

<p>If there was some rule that a parent can seek advice about a problem with his/her child ONLY when the parent is PERFECT, then no one could ever seek advice about an issue with a child (or anyone else for that matter.) </p>

<p>And, I'm not scared that I don't know everything about my son. But as his mother for the last 17 years, I have seen - time and time again - instances that he INSISTS that he's going to like or not like something, only to find out the exact opposite. This happens far more often than with the average person. This is a trait that runs in my hubby's family -- he is the first to tell people; it's no secret. (My husband <em>swore</em> that he'd hate going on a cruise --- HE LOVED it; he swore he'd hate going to Disneyworld, he loved it; he though he wouldn't like volunteering at our church -- he loved it. He thought that he didn't want a pet dog -- he adores the dog and Sammy has become <em>his</em> dog. I could go on and on. Most recently, my son didn't want to visit a particular safety school because he was sure he would hate it. We visited it last week and he loved it. My mom-in-law swore that she would never have "any use" for a microwave over, TiVo, electric blanket, heated seats & keyless entry in her car, etc. Family members gave her these things and she happened to rent a car that had heated seats with keyless entry.. Now, you couldn't get those things away from her (she wants a new car now)! Yes, I do seem to know these family members better than they know themselves in many cases. there are people who are like this (don't really know what they want); they give what they think are "safe answers" because they fear the unknown. </p>

<p>You don't know my son (or hubby) at all; so don't give such a sophomoric answer.</p>

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<p>Platinum: I have no problem with him going away. I understand anyone wanting to be away from family drama. He is going to go away since there aren't any real choices here. By concern is whether he should go 2 - 4 hours away or 2-4 thousand miles away.</p>

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<p>I also agree with pofreshnyc. Do not be judgmental of your son. THat is one of the worst things you can do. You may think you know what he is going through, what he is thinking, what he is feeling, why he wants to go, but he may also have this side of him that really, truly had a good reason for going.
Sure, missing things come either way, but I was gonna pay a price either way. If I stayed I would have gotten to see my dog and drive my car and eat homecooked meals, but I would have had to deal with my everyday lifestyle that I hated so much. Here I traded everyything I liked at home for a new life, and I am so glad I did. There are people who do regret leaving and decide to transfer home, but I believe there are just the same amount of people who stay because they are so much happier.
You need to talk with him and try to understand where he is coming from. I knew my freshman/sophemore year of highschool I was not going to go to college in NJ. As the years went on, my college searches just expanded further and further away from NJ. Before overreacting to your sons wishes, you have to try to understand why he wants to do this in the first place, REALLY understand because he may keep things back so he doesnt hurt you or others.</p>

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<p>I think you need to not make that decision for your son on how far he should go. He knows the level of importance of why he's leaving and he will figure out how much of a "safety" distance he's gonna want when he leaves. I think overall you need to give him a chance to make his decision on his own because whether or not he will regret what he does, he atleast learns and grows from it. He shouldn't have a to learn from a decision you or your husband makes for him.</p>

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<p>I don't quite fall into the category you asked for, but I'm going to respond anyway.
My junior year of high school I definitely wanted to go away to college. Not necessarily all the way across the country, but to maybe Pennsylvania or DC (I'm from NH). Life at home isn't always wonderful (ok I can't stand my stepdad), and I figured that it'd be best if I had an excuse not to come home often. Then reality struck. All heck broke loose in my family and I realized just how fragile the lives are of those that I love. I couldn't be where I couldn't easily get home in emergency. Several of my family members are not well. Others are just plain old. I also realized just how close I am to my mom and sister. I'm independent, but a homebuddy. It just took me until the summer before my senior year, on a four hour ride home from upstate Maine, to realize that.
So that state school 40 minutes from home that was always "just" my safety school suddenly became my first choice school. I'm a freshman at said school this year, and couldn't be happier. That being said, I've definitely been homesick. Not because I am so close to home, but because I am so close (emotionally) to what symbolizes home. I'm positive it would happen no matter where I was. I've learned to just work through it and not go home when I get homesick, but it has been nice to retreat back to my comfortable, big bed, a shower that doesn't require flip flops, and homecooked food, when dorm life gets too dramatic (I lived with 3 other girls my first semester...), when I don't feel well, and for birthdays. I know if I had gone far away I wouldn't have been able to celebrate my sister's birthday with her, or go home for 3 day weekends. I would have been one of the stranded ones. Last semester I was home every 3 weeks or so because there were so many long weekends and birthdays. This coming weekend will be my first weekend home this semester since I got here January 16. I'm more than ready to go home. And I just saw my mom two weeks ago when she came up to bring some stuff that I needed after moving dorm rooms (our temporary built up lounge got broken down).
When I was so adamant about not going to this school, I was afraid that my mom would pop up everytime I turned around. That hasn't been the case, for which I am quite grateful. At the same time; if I need something she (or anyone else if it's a real emergency) can be here in a short amount of time.</p>

<p>I have a friend here (at the University of NH) from Colorado. Another friend from upstate NY. Both were only able to go home last semester for Thanksgiving (and of course the month long winter break). Homesickness has been obvious in both, particularly the one from Colorado. He misses the 24 feet of snow his house has. We've gotten virtually no snow this winter (yeah it's NH, go figure). He doesn't say how hard it's been, most of the time, but it's pretty obvious. I've gotten to know him pretty well, and he can get really down. From the little things he says it's obvious he's homesick. When it comes time for him to go home, he's like a little kid on Christmas morning. He's definitely not transferring, so I take that as a good sign, and he's certainly adapted well. But it's obvious that it's tough for him to be missing litterally all that's familiar (from snow to his house and family, to driving styles).</p>

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<p>I have NO intention of making the decision for my son. The point of this thread was to find out what others experienced. MY son will make the decision. I know that people have to learn from their own experiences - If you read the above more carefully, you would see that I have let him (over and over again) make choices that he thought that he wanted only to watch him realize that he later regretted his choices. If I had made all those decisions for him, then those occasions would never have happened. Right!?!</p>

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<p>Monarchs: Great post. I understand exactly where you are coming from.</p>