<p>this up because I found out (after our child was already at the campus) that two students were murdered near the campus a decade ago
A decade ago?
Sounds like an extremely safe area.
My D attended high school where kids were shot/ stabbed in the parking lot of the community center next door.
She also took a gap year during which she spent five months in India ( just a couple months after the attacks in Mumbai). You cant live your life swaddled in cotton.
So no, I don’t have an idea of her hours at college, she does give me her schedule though for planning purposes.</p>
<p>When my oldest went to college, just over ten years ago she didn’t even have a cell phone. Everyone survived.
:)</p>
<p>I set up ground rules before D left for college: I expected to hear from her at least once a week. If I didn’t, I’d call her. If she didn’t respond, I’d call roommate, school, etc. When she arrived on campus and we met the roommate, I asked the roommate if it was okay if I took her cell phone number and promised not to call her unless I couldn’t reach D after a week. I gave her permission to block me if I got obnoxious (which I didn’t plan to do.) I also gave roommate my cell phone number so that she could call me if she was ever concerned about my D. I told the girls that I didn’t expect either of them to be responsible for the other, but that I hoped that they would watch out for one another.</p>
<p>Communication hasn’t been an issue so far… I can usually tell how things are going by the volume of communication. I get a lot of calls (3-4/week) when she’s worried or sick and fewer when all is well in her world.</p>
<p>Suggest a curfew for her? No way! I think she’d find it humorous if I tried. </p>
<p>She has a car on campus this year, and she knows to text or call when she leaves, and text or call when she makes it to the destination. (This is for when she travels between school & home, not for driving while she’s at college.) She requests the same of me when I visit.</p>
<p>We also have a signal: if it’s an emergency on my end and I ABSOLUTELY NEED her to answer the phone, then I call twice in a row. I find it surprising that she often apologizes to me if she doesn’t answer a phone call and explains why. I rarely call her, but I don’t expect her to answer if she’s in the middle of something – I just expect her to get back to me eventually.</p>
<p>Yeah, I think you overreacted on this one, OP. Before contacting the U I would have peppered my own kid with texts and calls asking for at least that proof of life. Then the roommate or a friend. And if it weren’t urgent, I would give the kid more time to respond. </p>
<p>But that is water under the bridge now. You got his attention and he will be responding promptly in the future. You both know what the expectations are on both sides. You understand each other better. </p>
<p>Fwiw my sons are both good about answering texts,lousy about answering phone calls. If I need to speak with them, I text them and tell them that is what I want.</p>
<p>My 2 in college never listen/respond to a voice mail.</p>
<p>Text only. Keep it short.</p>
<p>Your student is telling you -by their actions- that you are hovering too much.
Not really the point - if you should be,or shouldn’t be - your student is ignoring you 'cause you are being too needy. </p>
<p>It’s early in the (Freshmen) year, right? It will get better, Mom. Really, really it will. I too wanted to ask for a roommates cell number- just in case. I went on DD Facebook -in what I thought was an emergency- AND POSTED (she didn’t even know I knew the passwords, etc - huge privacy invasion on my part. BUT I WAS SCARED. Turned out DD had lost her phone. A stranger called and said she had found it in the woods.</p>
<p>Anyway, you will relax. It will be ok. I think a call such as yours would be forwarded to the dorm RA. I imagine they get some of these calls. I would not worry about it anymore</p>
<p>Another thing to keep in mind is that many schools have a ton of things for freshmen to do at the beginning of the school year.
She may have intended to reply when she got a chance but it slipped her mind.
You should be able to check online to see if she is using her phone.
;)</p>
<p>With a text that required a response I would expect to hear in a few hours but before calling the school I would exhaust all means of reaching my kid. I would text again, try to call, and try to email. What happens with my kid is their phone dies and they didn’t realize I texted. If after repeated attempts over say a 24 hour period to reach by several different means only then would I call the school. Tell your kid your expectations as to how long he has to reply. He will next time because he has figured out you WILL call the school.</p>
<p>This is assuming of course that you aren’t a parent who texts several times a day, or even several times a week. If you are only expecting to hear from your kid once a week or so but have contacted him because you need an answer to something, then he should reply.</p>
<p>…Am I the only one who will open a text message, thus losing the “new text” notification/icon, at a moment when I can’t answer it and then genuinely forget to go back and answer it later because I forgot I ever got it in the first place? Geez. I accidentally leave my phone at home or in the car all the time, and it’s on silent all day when I’m in class. I’ve been known to have it die and just not charge it for a day or two (it’s nice, helps me disconnect a bit). My mom goes a week without hearing from me fairly often - my dad, 2-3. It’s been that way ever since I moved away as a freshman. I would advise waiting a few days before freaking out. I’d be ****ed too if I were the kid.</p>
<p>I’d say get the roommate’s EMAIL, not phone number, and send them an email if, after several days, you are genuinely convinced something has happened/no one’s seen your kid. Most likely, someone would notice and you’d be informed very soon. I had an accident and ended up in the hospital once and my roommates got my phone and called my mom without me asking them to. (Roommate was my emergency contact)</p>
<p>“What is it about this thread that reminds me of the Cincinnati student who obtained a stalking order against her overly intrusive parents?”</p>
<p>That was the first thing I thought of too. And also that I was eternally grateful that I went to college when parents had to call the pay phone in the basement and hope someone answered if they wanted to reach me. </p>
<p>My two older kids have been on their own for sometime now at 23 and 28. Neither of them listen to voicemail and their younger sister only uses email to send herself links or upload stuff to her teacher. Texting is the way to go. Kids at college, even ones whose parents pay for their phones, have lives. Anyone not living at home gets as long as they want to answer my texts unless it’s important, in which case I text AND call. I would not ever call the college to have them track a kid down unless it was a REAL emergency, like illness or a death in the family. I would not ask for a roommate’s number or email either. I don’t have those now with either older kid. </p>
<p>It’s a fact of life that today we can know our kids’ every move through phone tracking if we want. Colleges are responding to the growth of 24/7parent involvement in their kids lives even away from home, but I think it’s a terrible trend. I read something yesterday about this new generation being spoiled and immature. No wonder. They aren’t being allowed to grow up.</p>
<p>I am hardly a helicopter parent. I’m not even on my child’s Facebook account because I believe in giving my child privacy. I like the idea of the “life” word, which gets across the idea that you want to know they are OK but don’t necessarily want to know what they are doing.</p>
<p>At this point, I’m likely to text or call even less. It will feel from my point of view that I don’t care what happens but I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, let alone the Cincinnati stalker parent. </p>
<p>I do think there’s a lot of difference between a 21 year old and someone who has just turned 18 and has never lived away from home. I grew up in what would now be considered the inner city, and I developed street smarts, which my children, growing up in a less urban area, did not have to develop. Locking doors, watching out for suspicious-acting others, knowing when and when not to go out was second nature for me from an early age. People who grow up in environments where that isn’t expected might have to learn these lessons the hard way.</p>
<p>You love your child and you’re both adjusting and there’s no use comparing how it was when we went to college. Sheesh. Our parents smoked in closed cars, didn’t use seat belts, and didn’t drive us to school in the rain at all. </p>
<p>Well, I grew up in a nice, safe, quiet area where we left doors open and so on, and the college orientation made sure we all understood that you shouldn’t walk alone at night, should lock your doors, and be aware of our surroundings. But parents can teach that too. And a kid who’s so naive that they’re in danger just being away from home probably needs a safety course. </p>
<p>My son was in the military at 18 without ever living away from home. In foreign countries that were dangerous in the daytime. I didn’t call his boss to make sure he was ok. And my older daughter was 18 HER first time away from home, in a gritty area in her own studio. I didn’t expect HER to call or text within hours either. There’s a reason it’s called the age of majority. </p>
<p>Do whatever makes you happy. Just don’t expect your kid to appreciate it.</p>
<p>OP, you did over-react but I know how the imagination starts to go once we get worried. S1 is a type 1 diabetic. He does not text or facebook, but because he has skype I can see when his computer is on, reassuring me that is okay. He also has to call once a week. Last year a week went bye without a call. Then I realized that for the last couple of days I hadn’t seen the dot next to his name so so worried, I called him. No answer, left a message. No call back. Sent an e-mail, no answer. Got panicked and pictured him dead somewhere. Called him again. Sent an e-mail to his roommate. No answer to either. Waited 4 hours and at 10 at night called what I thought was his roommates cell number…it ended up being his mother at his CA home. She gave me the roommates cell and right when I was going to call, my son called me. He was ANGRY! Said his computer was broken for the last 3 days, and he was in the midst of projects due and tests to study for. I apologized BUT at least I knew he was okay. So OP I see how one can over-react as once an idea comes into your mind, it is hard to let it go. BUT next time wait a day or two longer before you go crazy.</p>
<p>Sseamom: To me people aren’t truly independent until they can provide financially for themselves. But that is another subject . … I am sure your son’s military superiors knew where your son was much more than anyone knows my child’s whereabouts … Your daughter, of course, that’s a different story … How long would you go before you would feel uncomfortable about not hearing from her?</p>
<p>I don’t think you should have called someone. I think you should have just texted a few more times and even called. If a few days go by without hearing from him, check on your family map (if you have that) and see where he is. Maybe even resort to calling his roommate…only after a couple days. Calling the university should be after a lot else is tried.</p>
<p>I can’t call the roommate because I don’t have the roommate’s phone number and my child won’t give it to me. From now on, I am taking a hand’s off policy. Que sera, sera.</p>
<p>I grew up in a bedroom suburb.
I had quite a few friends & acquaintances die from accidents/related to drinking drugs,before I was 21, whereas my kids who lived in the city had none. ( although the mother of a teammate was restrained & killed in her own home, in a very nice neighborhood- still unsolved over ten years later)
I was raped while I was living at home.
I don’t see the burbs or rural areas safer than a city * at all*
I expect your daughter has more living skills than you realize.</p>
<p>"Your daughter, of course, that’s a different story … How long would you go before you would feel uncomfortable about not hearing from her? "</p>
<p>Now? At 23 and in her own apartment? I usually hear from her once a week, although she lives nearby so she’ll often stop by in between shifts at work. When she was 18? She lived several states away and I heard from her about as often unless she had a question-I had a smartphone and she didn’t so I could look stuff up for her no matter where I was. Even before she left town though, she worked at night and took the bus home late at night. She’s always been very independent minded, but I’ve NEVER had a requirement that she answer in a specific time frame.</p>
<p>The only time we were robbed was when we lived in a “nice” section of town. That’s also when our car was stolen. It was while living in a suburb that my S and his friends where robbed at a bus stop. Home vs. away does NOT equal safe, as EK points out. </p>
<p>I’ve never been the type to need to know where my kids are at all time-my 13 yo will be out on the water for three days next week and will have NO cell phone, NO computer, and no way to be reached. I will not know what time she will go to bed, or who is sharing her tent with her on the camping night. During the summer she was at an academic camp for a week and also had no cell or computer access. Of course in both cases there are emergency numbers, but they encourage the kids to DETACH and have fun. I like that.</p>