How long do you wait to hear from a child?

Parents Forum
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<p>D is a freshman. We hear via text or call every couple days. I am sympathetic to the worry of having no idea where they are after 17 years of knowing everything. I am constantly reminding myself to surrender. </p>

<p>I do think calling the school was an overreach. I think it unreasonable to respond to a text within hours. There are classes work and other social activities. I hardly respond to texts that quickly. </p>

<p>I also feel that it is none of my business what time she is getting home and would assume it is often at dawn as her father and I did in school. </p>

<p>Murder and abduction are so statistically rare that you should hardly spend energy worrying about it.</p>

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<p>No bashing from me, willowoak, only sympathy - it will get better.</p>

<p>Personally, I’m one of those people who immediately thinks the worst. When I don’t get a return text from my D, a terrible part of me just thinks she’s dead. I go right form “she can’t get to her phone right now” to “she’s dead.”</p>

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<p>It just takes practice. After so many years.</p>

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<p>I had my kids email me they were alive every day when they first went to college. I feel like that is a reasonable request. I was worried they would fall and hit their heads and be unconscious or maybe choke on too big mouthfuls. I still believe this was a reasonable worry. Once they got live-in partners, I lightened up. A bit.</p>

<p>You can hang out with us here. We understand. :)</p>

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<p>I think my daughters (one away) would text me back within a few hours if I texted saying that I was worried just because we love each other and they dont want to worry me. Its just as much a matter of kindness/empathy as it is a safety concern. Geeze. For 40k they can take 10 seconds to text mom , just sayin’. Then they can go right back to beer pong! Lol</p>

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<p>my daughter and I communicate lots of different ways: phone, email, texts, occasionally skype. If I have not heard from her in a while I send an “are you alive” text - if she answers then I know I don’t have to worry!</p>

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<p>I’m sorry but you sound like an incredibly intrusive helicopter parent. If you were my parent I would be pretty annoyed with you and angry. It’d time for the kids to learn to live on their own. Just because people died on campus 10 years ago does not mean you kidneys get killed. That’s ridiculous. Your kid is probably enjoying their freedom because I’m guessing you were pretty intrusive before they left for school. </p>

<p>Also don’t set a curfew. Let them go out and party and have fun. Don’t ruin your child’s college experience.</p>

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<p>OP–the fact that you are worrying about this shows that you are on the right track. My experience is that it takes time for some kids to establish their independence sufficiently for them to want to be our children again! They sort of need to prove that they have the power/choice not to communicate.</p>

<p>It sort of helps them convince themselves that they are now free and independent and adult.</p>

<p>My kids are all launched now–they are 22,25, and 28.
All 3 live more than 500 miles away.</p>

<p>I still worry about them, and I still worry about violating their appropriate boundaries.</p>

<p>But a few years ago, when I confessed to them how much I sometimes worried about not hearing from them, they were adult enough to be able to see my side. </p>

<p>So, if I haven’t heard from one in a long while, I text them a simple “?”</p>

<p>They generally reply almost immediately with a smiley face or a frownie face or just Hi. And I know they are alive.</p>

<p>And at that point they realize that, while they may not need to talk to me, I need to hear from them. And in the next day or so I get a nice chatty phone call, or at least an email or text with what’s going on in their crazy, busy lives. All of them mastered the art of calling mom on the walk between classes, or home from the library, or on the way to the Metro.</p>

<p>If I have a real need to hear from them, within a time frame, I send a text and the time frame that I need them to observe.</p>

<p>What worked is that I started treating them like the adults they are. Which meant that I observed their boundaries. It also means that I credited them with the adult ability to consider others’ feelings, including mine–but did not expect them to be able to read my mind. And my boys responded in the way adults do–by acknowledging that it’s not all about them all the time, and that it was legitimate for mom to some times want to hear from them, and not just when they wanted/needed something. So they each mastered the art of calling when it was convenient for them–which worked for me!</p>

<p>And then, when they got a bit even more mature–they told me that I should just give them a call when I wanted to, or needed to. Sometimes we talk when I do call; sometimes I get told it’s not a good time for a call (which is fine with me; I’ve heard a voice, and know my son is alive and well); sometimes my call just goes to voicemail–which they never listen to–but they see I have called, and I generally get some kind of response.</p>

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<p>I like the night shift! Thank you so much for your responses.</p>

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<p>I’m with Sseamom. When I went to college there was ONE phone on the floor. If my mom had called me, she was taking it on faith that someone would answer the phone. Often no one did. There was no text messaging, and no email. Letters took much longer than 48 hours to travel in the mail. Somehow we all survived, even those of us who were barely 18 and were on huge, strange college campuses.</p>

<p>Our deal,with our kids was that we expected a call from them ONCE weekly any time it was convenient for THEM to call. They didn’t miss (well, one missed one week and had to pay for the cell plan that week), and they still call weekly now.</p>

<p>Our older child went to college pre-text messaging. We survived that too, and he was in a BIG strange city, making all new friends. </p>

<p>I guess I wonder how all of us parents managed to survive without such frequent “communication” with our families.</p>

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<p>I think whether kids are in college or working, whether we’re paying or not, whether the phones are in their name or not, most of them DO keep in touch on a regular basis, that works for THEM. I don’t think money enters into it, or it shouldn’t. Once they are not under our care every day, they have things to do that might make that instant gratification for us less likely. </p>

<p>I think the fastest way to drive a young adult away is to force them to communicate. Unless there is some kind of drama going on, we know they love us, we know they care and we know they’ll talk to us sooner or later. The problem comes from insisting that they get with OUR program. </p>

<p>For the record, I AM a worrier. But I am also a realist and let my kids grow up and get out there without strings attached. My ex is still trying to piece together his relationship with our D after trying to control her at 21-22 years old. I hear from her often. But I never had to force it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence which one of us D calls regularly.</p>

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<p>I am a worrier, too. What works for my family is that we all agreed long ago that as members of the same family, we would each commit to making sure someone in the world knew where we would be if we were out of our regular routine, particularly at night, and that of any of us ever worries about another we can text “Marco” and get a response of “polo” to show that we are ok without being intrusive. It might surprise some people that the kids are just as likely to initiate contact. My d2 was traumatized when I was out of contact for many hours in manhattan on 9/11, and I lost a sister as a child, so we all respect that some of us have scars and try to be respectful in both directions.</p>

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<p>You know what?</p>

<p>I decided long ago that to speak to the people I love when they want and need to speak is much more important than to make some grand gesture of boy I don’t need you at all.</p>

<p>And, believe me, I’ve got one kid living in Canada and one who calls once a week. We’re doing fine on the independence trail around here. But, and this is important, nobody ever says on their death bed, “I wish I’d just ignored my mom and kids more.”</p>

<p>LOL.</p>

<p>Unless you can’t see it and move on, making a mistake like this is so unimportant as to be irrelevent, and being the type of mother who doesn’t care if she speaks to her child or not is not going to get you any kind of medal or trophy, either.</p>

<p>Balance in everything, on both sides.</p>

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<p>This is such an interesting thread to read. I worked in student affairs as a hall director, and when I was on duty I sometimes got calls from our campus public safety that involved tracking students down. Usually it was because one of their parents had called because they hadn’t heard from their child in “a while” and they wanted to make sure that the student was okay. Typically, “a while” was a ridiculously short amount of time (in one case it was 4 hours, in most cases it was less than 24 hours) but every now and then we would get one that was like “I haven’t heard from my D in a week!” In every one of the cases from parents that I handled, the child was just fine :smiley: Not that I really minded, anyway. I expected to be up while on duty and I understand parents’ concerns.</p>

<p>Some of you may be heartened to know that we DO often get calls from people’s friends, acquaintances, and classmates (yes, freshman too) when they go missing for more than a day or two at a time. Usually, they are hesitant to call, but they call because they say they felt something was “off” about their friend. In my estimation in almost all of <em>those</em> cases, there was really something wrong, and the student calling us helped us find someone and get them to help.</p>

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<p>I think the difference between “ignoring” our kids and letting them take the lead is important. Forcing your kids to contact you because you’re spending money on them or because it’s “your right” to hear from them at appointed times isn’t productive, imo. I think giving kids some space to live their lives can only be a good thing. The outcome in my experience, if that they actually contact you MORE when you aren’t insisting.</p>

<p>As you say, poetgirl, when THEY want to speak, not “whether they want to or not”. That’s all I was saying. When you force any issue with kids, you get pushback, like not being called.</p>

<p>If it sounds like I don’t care if I don’t hear from my kids, that’s not true. I do care, and I do hear from them pretty often, both in person and by phone. But they have real lives in the real world and they are self-supporting. They deserve their freedom, and I have no problem with that. I would never guilt them or force them into contact.</p>

<p>There was a popular poster in the 70’s that said, “If you love something, set it free…” That doesn’t mean lock them out.</p>

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<p>Who is paying for the cell phone?</p>

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<p>^^^Playing the money card will come back to bite you in the butt when they don’t need your money any more. I think it’s extremely petty to pay for someone’s cell phone and use it to manipulate them into checking in every 24 hours (or at least tell them the conditions for the cell phone up front and give them a chance to say no thanks). Personally, I would just go without the cell phone - not a big loss.</p>

<p>At the same time, I guess it’s a good lesson for the kid not to take money from anyone - it almost always comes with strings attached. That’s my policy - unless it were a life-changing emergency, I don’t want anyone’s money. A cell phone or any other material thing you can live without. Not having someone try to control you by demanding you be in touch every 24 hours (and we ARE takling 24 hours, not even a few days); not having someone be extremely and unreasonably overprotective - now, that’s priceless.</p>

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<p>My daughter calls or texts frequently when she either needs something or wants to tell us some news. I can’t imagine not responding to her for 48 hours or a week. That would be rude on my part and her attitude would be “wth?” </p>

<p>Our culture has changed significantly with respect to communication since I was in school and talked to my parents once a week. Expectations and customs for replies have evolved to match our access to instant communication. </p>

<p>It has never been an issue, but I expect my daughter to respond to my text or email that day. In the same respect, I always respond to my parents’ calls and emails the same day, too. It’s polite and it’s respectful. We all care about each other. My daughter has moved from a very small town to a 40+K student university in a huge city. She understands that the “How was your day?” or “Is it raining down there?” texts serve two purposes. After all she is sending dozens of texts a day to friends (and other relatives). I hardly think that expecting a one word answer from her at some point during her day is intrusive or helicopter parenting. Like I said earlier, she would be really upset if I dismissed her texts or calls for days, too. </p>

<p>But if she did routinely ignore our (usually once a day) texts for days on end, the phone service would be gone in a heartbeat.</p>

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<p>I don’t think that willowoak was being that intrusive. She said that she isn’t a daily texter and has only spoken by phone with her son twice (in the maybe 4-6 weeks) since he went to college. She had a question and needed an answer, and he didn’t respond to his usually unobtrusive mother. That being said, unless it was an emergency (meriting a call to the university), I would have texted, e-mailed, posted on his Facebook account, etc. and given him a day or two to respond to my “need an answer now” question before contacting the university.</p>

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<p>Agreed – and it should be the same if the situation were reversed.</p>

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<p>Just to refute some gender stereotypes here, my daughter rarely contacts us and is the one we have to prompt repeatedly if we have a “need an answer” question. My son calls/e-mails/Skypes at least every other day. Both have adjusted well to college. They are just very different. Coming from a family where my siblings, parents, and I talk on the phone with each other almost daily, I much prefer my son’s way. :)</p>

<p>My parents still worry about me, and I let them know when I’m going out of town and when I get back. Likewise, they let me know where they are going and when they return. We are all independent adults, but this gives us peace of mind and keeps us connected. I’m at the age where a number of my friends’ parents have died or have a faded memory, and I’m grateful for every moment I can spend being with or talking to my parents.</p>

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<p>

I’m from the far other end of the spectrum on this issue. And if a parent has a “contact us daily rule” how does the situation of their kid falling and hitting their head change … the actual situation that needs intervention? Someone local is going to need to intervene to help and the parents will be called when the situation is under control … exact same actual events whatever the communication plan. To me layering on the “must communicate plans” step just adds situations with unneeded worry (everything is OK but communication is late).</p>

<p>My Mom always wanted to know when I left campus, went to concerts, etc (in the age before cell phones) … and if I ever was late or forgot she’d get incredibly worried and/or mad at me … and I was less than perfect following this, IMO, unnecessary rule. So I made the obvious improvement … I stopped telling my Mom when I was leaving campus … she didn’t worry and I couldn’t screw up.</p>