<p>So D was rejected tonight from her "dream school." She knew the odds were not in her favor (acceptance rate of close to 10 percent overall, and she is not an athelete, legacy, URM or otherwise "hooked" applicant). But she is of course still disappointed. I was bracing for anger but she is right now more sad than mad. </p>
<p>She does have some good choices (that might become great choices if they send good FA packages). My question is, what is a reasonable time to give her to be disappointed before insisting that she look forward? Any tricks for making the process easier?</p>
<p>Gosh, MathildaMae, it so depends on the person. I was one of those sorts that brooded a long time, and there wasn’t a whole lot anyone could say to me to ease the pain. My kids discarded every thought of any schools that rejected or even waitlisted them. They became history just like that. They barely remember where they applied anymore other than a few of their top choices. </p>
<p>I know that I did not like fake cheeriness or a funeral atmosphere. Normalcy was the best thing for me. But again, it depends on your D. How have you handled disappointments in the past for her?</p>
<p>She needs to take the time she needs. If anger is present I would step in to talk about that being inappropriate in such situations.</p>
<p>My son shrugged off his disappointment in a day, my daughter took a week. Both ended up at their first choice schools–one as a grad student and the other as a transfer. Remind her of the possibilities.</p>
<p>I am not sure why anger is inappropriate (I do not mean physically violent anger, just “I am mad at the world because this happened” kind of anger). That is usually how she responds to disppointments, and usually I just let it burn itself out. I actually think it is not an unhealthy way to respond because it seems to energize her to get back out and keep trying. This disappointment is of course different from others in that she feels like she put her whole being before the admissions committee and they said, “Not good enough.” And there is such a finality to a college rejection–it’s not like yuo can say, “I’ll show them next time.”</p>
<p>Well, sometimes you can. My son’s girlfriend was turned down by most of her college list. An excellent student with high test scores, she was a decent candidate for admissions at any of those selective schools that did not accept her. It was a rough year last year, and I understand even worse for the most selective schools this year. She is reapplying as a transfer student to a number of the schools this year, as she has done very well at her college. I think she will have a good chance of getting into one of these schools as she has excellent reasons for transfer (she wants bigger department and more offerings in her major as she is in a small college, wants closer access to city resources for her studies) and has shown she can do well in a tough college. </p>
<p>She likes it where she is and will reapply for grad school at the same schools if she does not get her transfers.</p>
<p>I was very, very sad for 48 continuous hours after my Princeton rejection. Then I ordered my Dartmouth sweatshirt and never really thought about it again.</p>
<p>People think anger is inappropriate because it’s thought of as a response to injustice. But there’s no injustice in students being rejected; some people make it, and some don’t. There’s no blame to be assigned. I guess anger is a part of the grieving process, though.</p>
<p>Well as a student who was rejected from 5 schools, I would say to just leave her alone for awhile. Maybe buy her icecream. I have been extremely lucky in that I have also been accepted to multiple colleges that I would love to attend. But I got 2 rejections long before I got the acceptances. I just wanted to be alone and cry. I was partly angry at everyone, partly scared, and partly mad at myself. I just needed to “mourn” for a little while. I didn’t want anyone to talk about it. So yeah, my advice is to leave her alone and maybe to stop coming on this forum now that the process is over. No need to keep dragging it on.</p>
<p>I guess I was thinking about a friend’s son who threw a book through a window when he was rejected from Yale today!</p>
<p>What I learned from my oldest two is that where you get in as a freshmen is truly just the first step. You can show them and end up there in your next move if that’s what you still want. My stubborn kids did.</p>
<p>Just had this conversation with a friend, and as I recall my daughter’s friend group as seniors last year, the first 24-48 hours are hard. Then most kids allow themselves to fall in love with one of their acceptance schools, and all is well. Really.</p>
<p>Help her to do that when she’s ready to talk about it. If you know what her first choice school is, from those she’s been accepted to, be ready to celebrate with a sweatshirt, a look back through their viewbook and so on. </p>
<p>Take care. This has to be one of the tougher days for moms as well as kids.</p>
<p>Wow…when I read the thread title I thought a parent had died…we have had some cc’ers recently who have lost a parent or spouse… I would have her read the thread about How Did She get so smart by Curm…<br>
Also seems to me when the parent moves on, the kid does too.</p>
<p>I did think briefly about whether “grieve” is too strong of a word. But just because some people have much greater losses does not mean that a college rejection is an insignificant loss.</p>
<p>
If you mean that she is upset because I am upset that she was rejected, you would be wrong. If she had been admitted, I am not at all sure we could have afforded for her to attend. And I am not at all sure her dream school was the right school for her. But it <em>was</em> her dream.</p>
<p>I don’t think feelings are right or wrong- and personally I think being p*$$ed is probably healthier than turning that inward.
However, how we deal with it- can be healthy or not healthy.
Idon’t think it is our job to interfere, they have generally developed coping skills long before senior year. However- we can make ourselves available if appropriate-
life is full of disappointments, we wouldn’t ever achieve anything, if we were always afraid of failure.</p>
<p>My D went from #1 choice to #2 choice without blinking her eyes, she was very well prepared for not getting into the program that has 15 spots for about 800 applicants. She has been very happy at #2 for 2 years so far.</p>
<p>Yes, give her time. You’re not in control of how long she grieves. It’s normal to grieve – including being angry – when one loses a dream. </p>
<p>You can help by listening to her vent, doing things like cooking her favorite foods, and not acting like you’re ashamed that she didn’t get into her dream school. You also can help by not raising the subject, which will make it easier for her to move on.</p>
<p>Most students are over rejections in a week or so, and by May 1 are ready to happily go to another college.</p>
<p>In the same boat. Daughter is usually so level emotionally.Has been shattered. Kinda scary,really.
I don’t think you have any control over “how long” she grieves. I know that not allowing people to come to terms with their issue causes resentment, which is not good either. I just kept telling her how sorry I was that she was hurt so badly,that she was “enough”, and that I loved her. What else can you say? That was for #1 school. Still waiting for #2 to come through. If it doesn’t , I might be out on the ledge!</p>