<p>JHS - I am the opposite. My D1 is so high maintenance, whenever she tells me about her fights with her boyfriend, I tend to feel sorry for the boy.</p>
<p>I think my children are open with me, but I’m sure my parents thought I was open with them…and I wasn’t. So who knows. Sometimes, I think the best thing I did for my kids was to give them siblings. They are close to each other and have created a loving and sound support network that often negates the need for parental involvement.</p>
<p>D tells me a lot. I was just the opposite when I was a kid. I told my parents nothing and it was probably a good idea.</p>
<p>More than I want to know. Seriously. I guess that’s a good thing but there are times I wish I could be blissfully ignorant like so many other parents.</p>
<p>I told my parents almost nothing and now my mother is telling my kids how independent I always was (and not meaning it in a good way). But what goes around comes around and the youngest has said almost nothing since daycare. I’d pick her up and say “How was your day?” The 3 year old’s answer? “I don’t want to talk about it!” She still says she’s not particularly interested in sharing details of the exciting life she must be living in college.</p>
<p>I have never confided in my mother, ever. I think it’s because I felt so criticized growing up that it never occurred to me that it would be a source of comfort to turn to her for anything.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my D turns to me for a lot of advice and TLC. I know she doesn’t tell me every single detail, but I do get the big picture. It’s OK that she doesn’t confide every detail because 1) I don’t think that would be healthy for either of us and I don’t really want to know it all – and 2) I know she always turns to me for comfort, even if I don’t hear the whole story.</p>
<p>I do have to disagree with someone who said that most parents know generally what’s going on with their kids. My D tells me ALL about her friends and even I’m shocked (or at least surprised) by some of what she tells me. Not so much because of the nature of it but because the girl’s persona within the family is so at odds with the behavior, ie, so different from how her mother perceives her. Most parents (or mothers of daughters at least) seem to want to see their D’s as fairly straight-arrow. They think their D would never “hook up” with strangers at a party, pretend to be way drunker than they are and proposition boys, or actually get falling down drunk, are sleeping at their boyfriend’s instead of their g-friend’s, have pregnancy scares and not know who the father might be, have multiple sexual partners and be notorious for it, etc etc. None of these behaviors are all that unusual, but for some reason most moms I know think that their daughter is the exception.</p>
<p>I have been tempted to tell some of the mothers, but my D always asks me not to. The one time I came closest was when one of her (male) friends was going on drinking binges every weekend and getting in fights with random strangers on the street. Clearly very self destructive behavior. I had an extended argument with her about this and in the end conceded. (I have to admit that knowing that the very arrogant mother would bite my head off made it easier.)</p>
<p>Ironically, I think one of the reasons my D feels free to confide in me is that she is at heart very conservative and also knows that I’m not. So she knows she can run things by me and I will not judge. (I was probably as bad as her worst friends, to tell the truth.)</p>
<p>mousegray–have had very similar experiences–I didn’t tell my mother much, she actually didn’t ask so guess I complied…</p>
<p>my kids do talk with me and know that I am typically very open, accepting–my coll fresh s once shared about female friend talking suicide and I went to her mom,(who was appreciative–her d was depressed, much later-even after some help did make a suicide attempt) my h.s. senior d recently told me about male friend talking suicide-she talked w him after we talked, he went to his mom and got help and meds. my kids have shared personal hurts, and their own figuring out how to deal with drinking at parties, etc. I am grateful for the closeness…while always respecting all that needs to remain private.</p>
<p>My kids are open with everything that I am aware of, but they also haven’t done alot so maybe that will change. I like to say my oldest daughter can go to a 3 hour event and spend 4 and 1/2 hours telling me about it. There are times I have to take a nap when she does anything at night because I know I’m going to be up for a long time after she gets home hearing all about it.</p>
<p>I also have WAYYYYYYY too much information about certain kids from school, too. My daughter has the same curse/blessing that I have…people like to tell her unsolicited stuff. She doesn’t tell anyone what she knows, except me, so she is good at keeping secrets. (I think she views me as an extension of herself and she wants my opinions and feedback about issues going on at school and what she would do if similarly situated). Pretty much all the kids from school who know me tell me stuff, too (again, the curse of the face that people want to confess to). I am the band mom, choir mom, cross country mom, softball mom, track mom, regular ride for a group of about 20 kids, and on and on and on. I am around and visible in their lives alot.</p>
<p>Frequently they tell me more than I even need or want to hear. Many of the kids have parents who are not around much and they frequently want advice about day to day stuff. There were a couple of junior boys who naively thought girls urinated and had babies from the same place and they didn’t believe the girls who told them otherwise, so they came to ME for the authoritative final verdict. Thanks, guys.</p>
<p>I know who’s sleeping together, who broke up because the girl refused to have sex, which specific guy girls lost their virginity to, who smokes ciggies and pot, who’s had an abortion, who’s got legal charges pending, who’s selling drugs, who has sent naked pictures of themselves, recent suicide attempts, etc. I know who is purging in the bathrooms at lunch and who are “cutters”. There have been a couple of girls who got pregnant who I am sure I knew months before the parents knew.</p>
<p>When she witnessed a drug deal during lunch, I made her tell the vice principal and in cases where people are asking her for advice, I tell her to tell them to talk to an adult. I do also talk to the girls alot about respecting their bodies and empowering them so they don’t feel like they HAVE to HAVE a boyfriend.</p>
<p>I know I am lucky to have so much real time access to what is going on in my children’s lives and I only PRAY that it continues as they make the transition to college. I also pray for children who don’t feel like they can talk to their own parents and for parents who don’t take enough time to get to know what’s really going on in their children’s lives.</p>
<p>In many cases, there are people who just would rather NOT know.</p>
<p>^^“In many cases, there are people who just would rather NOT know.”
So true.
Your comment about having to rest up for hearing all about your d’s night out cracked me up. I’ve had quite a few of those too, but I love them. It definitely helps that my D is a very funny storyteller. (This may have a lot to do with which children like to confide in their parents – some are just irrepressible storytellers.)</p>
<p>Your D and her friends are lucky to have you in their lives, Mamadrama! I needed someone like you growing up. It never occurred to me to turn to someone else’s parents, but I also don’t remember meeting anyone who seemed all that approachable, either.</p>
<p>I’ve also heard about the purgers, cutters, anorexics, etc. It makes me wonder about the pressures these kids are under. I try to be aware of any that I exert on my own D, because these girls are so vulnerable and fragile, really. It’s easy to forget that. </p>
<p>The one place I would draw the line with confidentiality and go to the parent is a suicide attempt. That hasn’t come up yet, fortunately. </p>
<p>And as for what happens during the college transition, my D, a freshman, calls me daily. So we still have all the same conversations, but on the phone. This includes those late night re-caps! Fortunately, these take place on the next day now.</p>
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<p>Yeah, in the cases of the ones I have heard about, it was after the fact. If I knew about a threat and I knew the parents didn’t know, I would tell. At a minimum I would call the school counselor because sometimes you don’t know what’s going on with some of the parents. If it was a family I knew, I would go straight to the parents.</p>
<p>Recently our daughter was very concerned about a friend’s on-going meltdown following a break-up with a boyfriend. D was flabbergasted and then frustrated that a smart, confident and outgoing young woman was so bereft and irrational for such a long period of time. (D told me this girl mentioned that she felt tempted to tell ex-boyfriend she was pregnant, for example.)</p>
<p>D was concerned and supportive at first, then basically started limiting her exposure to this girl because D could not handle the wallowing, and the on-going drama and hysterics. I had hoped and assumed the girl’s parents were keeping close tabs on the girl – but reading this thread, I wonder … My D should probably ask the girl if her parents know how upset the girl is feeling?</p>
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[QUOTE=mousegray]
I have never confided in my mother, ever. I think it’s because I felt so criticized growing up that it never occurred to me that it would be a source of comfort to turn to her for anything.
[/quote]
My experience is similar. I don’t tell my mother anything of significance because I know she’ll use it against me the minute we have a disagreement.</p>
<p>I’m far more open with my boyfriend’s parents than I am with my own.</p>
<p>D1 tells me everything (eventually). She is open about pretty much everything. My D2 never tells me anything. It’s a personality difference and says nothing about my relationship with either of them.</p>
<p>D1 tells me more about other kids. It depends on her mood. Sometimes she can be downright chatty. Other times -don’t ask!</p>
<p>If you have a kid who confides in you, do you also share that info with your spouse or do you figure that is a private conversation between you and your child?</p>
<p>My kids assume whatever they tell me is as good as telling their dad. There has only been once or twice when D1 asked me not to tell her dad, and I didn’t. My H is a gossipy kind of guy, he always wants to know what’s going on with them. He likes to offer his opinion or tell them what to do, D1 finds it annoying when she’s trying to talk.</p>
<p>It is generally understood that I will tell my H. as he would me,. there have been a couple times when I didn’t. Mostly “girl” stuff or sometimes if they vent about him. MY H can be too prying. It annoys them.</p>
<p>I think D thinks I usually share with H but sometimes I do sometimes I don’t, depends on what it is. I think she’s sometimes surprised by that! If it was really personal either in regards to her or her friends, I wouldn’t if she asked me not to. H doesn’t always ‘get it’ either - from a girls point of view!</p>