What % of What Goes On Do We Know?

<p>On another thread, SuNa noted we probably don't know half of what goes on with our kids. This got me thinking, how much do we really know? Are kids that seem forthcoming even telling us half of what's happening? I'm curious about both hs and college kids.</p>

<p>Speaking as a high school senior...</p>

<p>Not much. Your child lets you know what you need to know to let you give him/her the freedom he/she desires. </p>

<p>At least that's how I work... ha.</p>

<p>I figure I can start with what % my parents knew of my doings. I was a good kid (what a sappy term, but I suppose it fits) in the sense of not busy with drugs and alcohol even though it was the '60s. Nevertheless, the % of "what went on" that my parents knew was extre-e-e-e-mely low.</p>

<p>It's pretty low, but then again that's how it should be.</p>

<p>Unless something is horribly wrong, parents need to let their teenagers grow up at a certain age for themselves. That's how I have learned, whether my parents wanted it to be that way or not, and it's helped me mature vastly.</p>

<p>10% or so........</p>

<p>I certainly couldn't have told them much as I remembered very little of what I was doing.</p>

<p>I tell my parents very little. Not because I do anything bad, I don't think my parents would be mad at anything I'm doing but mostly because I feel boring recalling what to me seem mundane events but are apparently interesting to them. I tell them major things but I don't feel like major things happen in a little town like this one. It's class-work-party-sleep-class-work-party-sleep</p>

<p>So I would say maybe 10%, they know I go to class and work and hope I'm sleeping. Plus they know exactly what is wrong with my car the moment it happens because I come calling my dad for advice (which means I call my dad at least once a week)</p>

<p>What percentage of what parents here do do their own parents know? Think about it. :)</p>

<p>Kids, do you downplay how much you and your friends drink? Do you talk to them about drug usage among your peers? Sex? What do you hide?</p>

<p>Our neighborhood was swept up in the counter-culture in the late 60's. My parents knew we were sneaking out at night, but they didn't know our classmates were smoking hash in the 7th grade. The reality of our culture simply didn't occur to them.</p>

<p>Having lived through sex, drugs and rock n' roll, boomers are better at guessing what might go on--but HORRIBLE at facing up to the realities of peer pressure on their own little darlings. My boomer peers use magical thinking to convince themselves that all the other children (including my own) are naughty while theirs are as pure as toddlers. It's borderline delusional.</p>

<p>I know about 75% of what goes on because
1) I make myself take the blinders off,
2) My punishments are fairly straightforward (hard labour)
3) I have cultivated a 'stand-up' culture with my sons and their friends
4) I had four brothers</p>

<p>I could guess the other 25% but I prefer to stay in semi-denial on those bits.</p>

<p>Though my parents only knew about 50% of what went on during my high school and college years, they know about 80% of what goes on in my 48 year old life.</p>

<p>My mother knows now about probably 75% of my high school misdeeds, at least those that did not concern boys. (Granted, we are talking about small number statistics here... :)) </p>

<p>She did not know then, and the major reason she knows now is that I'm trying to reassure her that my (ornery) seventeen-year-old brother is not a bad kid, and that he doesn't do anything I wasn't doing at that age. </p>

<p>Now that I'm 22, I feel more comfortable talking to my mother about all the events in my life... but now that I'm graduated from college and engaged, my life is also considerably less wild than it was in late high school/early college.</p>

<p>I'm chuckling at how little the kids think we parents know.</p>

<p>Thing is, you HAVE to get a network! I didn't go SEEKING one, but I've DEFINITELY got one.</p>

<p>First of all, my son's gf is my oldest D's best friend (she was the gf first, or THAT would never have happened! ;) )</p>

<p>Secondly, one of my son's best friends is one of my "adopted" sons, and he sees me as some odd conglomeration of mentor/advisor/"friend". He has made me blush on MORE than one occasion with his "confessions," and has given me his Facebook password so that I can keep up with his life. </p>

<p>Thirdly, if I don't get the dirt from THOSE sources, NOTHING gets by the four younger sibs...NOTHING. Trust me. And if it gets to THEM, it gets to ME. :D</p>

<p>Fourth, my kids confide in me more than any other kids I know confide in their parents, even about the "sensitive" subjects. Most of their friends do too. In fact, most of the WORLD does...<em>lol</em></p>

<p>Fifth, EVERYONE, BUT EVERYONE hangs at our house...just about FULL time. That helps a BUNCH! </p>

<p>Long story short, there's maybe about 3% I <em>DON'T</em> know...if that. ;)</p>

<p>~berurah, networker extraordinaire</p>

<p>I'm a college freshman, and while I couldn't put a percentage on how much I tell my parents, I do tell them probably more than most students because we have a trusting relationship. </p>

<p>I tell my parents about parties I go to, who was there, who was super drunk, who was making out (even if they don't know them personally, they enjoy the stories!) but I don't mention if I've been drinking. I think it's one of those better left unsaid things. I'm sure they know I drink. </p>

<p>I don't tell my parents about anything sexual!!!! However, I do tell them if I've been "hanging out with" so and so. </p>

<p>I tell my parents basically everything school and activities wise. </p>

<p>I talk about most of my close friends on a pretty regular basis. I tell my parents my friends secrets. I am a big blabber mouth and if I don't tell someone I risk leaking the gossip to someone at school. Better in the hands of my mom who won't do anything with the info than with my roommate. </p>

<p>Most of what I discuss with my parents are funny things that happened during the day. I usually call them when I'm walking somewhere alone and have a break, and we usually end up talking about the silliest, most mundane things if there is nothing out of the ordinary going on. We also discuss my siblings or other things going on at home.</p>

<p>I actually knew a few things that my daughter was going to do before she knew she was going to do them ..... sometimes age+experience coupled with knowing your kid makes it all very predictable. She never was much good at keeping secrets, anyway... though now that she is at college I know less of the day to day stuff. </p>

<p>My son is another matter.... he keeps his mouth shut and reveals very little to anyone. But he does sometimes make the mistake of telling his sister something he doesn't want me to know.</p>

<p>In our case, my older kids might willingly share perhaps half of what goes on, and I can make an educated guess about (most of) the rest. That's as it should be, for us (hats off to those whose kids happily share more). I'm willing to accept their judgement about how to conduct their own lives, they'll face the consequences for any bone-headed decisions they may make - and what choice do I have, anyway? </p>

<p>Not that they don't tell me a LOT about that estimated 50 percent. Each of my older kids calls me at least one a day - the oldest on a long, boring commute home from work, and the middle whenever she's walking somewhere on campus and doesn't want to look uncool because she isn't using her cell phone :)

[quote]
What percentage of what parents here do do their own parents know?

[/quote]
Exactly, Northstarmom! I adore my mom, and she's a great listener, but there's much she'd be surprised about, even today. (Nothing terribly exciting, though.)</p>

<p>I think parents are more aware of what the teenage population at large is doing than they are of what their own kids are doing. Every parent wants to think it's somebody else's kids doing all this stuff and I know some who enjoy talking about other people's children who have gotten in trouble or made big mistakes. These parents think their's are perfect and don't want to know differently. I have a friend who says her kids would never do anything wrong to upset her because they know she has a (slight) heart condition. This is the woman whose S recently joined a fraternity at big state u and believes there will be no beer drinking!
I have never thought mine were perfect but they have both surprised us with some truly bone-headed decisions. We have always punished them in some way for wrong doing but every single time I have looked at DH and said "think of all the stupid things we did as a teenagers and were just lucky enough to not get caught". That usually tempers his ire somewhat.</p>

<p>I was one of four siblings. My mother was, at the time, an extremely popular high school teacher with guru-like status for a lot of kids, so she had a very accurate idea of the range of teenage behavior. Two of my sibs would give my mother immediate, detailed, play-by-play on every aspect of their lives. Once I was talking to my mom, and the doorbell rang - at 1 am. We went to the door, opened it, and my older brother fell into the hallway. Lying on his back, he looked up and said, "Mom! I just [insert verb]ed two girls!" Then he proceeded to tell the whole story. When my younger sister had sex for the first time, she wrote my mother a letter about it (from Europe) the next day.</p>

<p>I followed a six-month rule. I would discuss anything with her "in theory", but I wouldn't supply details about my own or my friends' behavior for roughly six months. I knew that this hurt her somewhat, and in my senior year of college I made a conscious decision to share current information with her. Big mistake! Her relationship with my wife never quite overcame the fact that my mother knew far too much about the false starts of the romance.</p>

<p>My youngest sister surveyed the experience of her elders and adopted a name-rank-and-serial-number approach. From about her 12th birthday forward, anything personal at all was off-limits as a topic of conversation. What family members knew of her activities came entirely from third-party reports.</p>

<p>My own kids probably tell us 40% (D) - 20% (S) of what they care about, but I believe I know much more than that. I engage in a lot of what I think of as "Kremlinology" -- studying pictures of the May Day parades to piece together who is in what role, taking little bits of information to infer a compete mosaic. Getting to see the kids with their friends is always a treasure-trove of information (especially the chatty friends). And I can infer a lot from discussions about the realism or moral value of this or that TV show, because that's how I discussed stuff with my parents at their age.</p>

<p>JHS, ROFL at your post.... way more than I would ever want to know. I guess by your mom's standards, I am blissfully ignorant.</p>

<p>

Hee hee!!! Actually, your brother sounds like some of my oldest S's friends....only they use ME as their mother!! <em>GLUG</em> ~berurah</p>