<p>None of my friends, who are highly intelligent and attend good/very good universities, are completely open with their parents, who would never guess that their dear child, an exemplary high school student and a good kid, already had an abortion, did/does drugs, got involved with the wrong kinds of people and in the wrong kinds of ways. Of course I would never say such things to my parents because it would kill them instantly or kill me later if they were to live. But the number of times when I needed advice, couldn't cross the line, made mistakes and received no support made me wonder what it would've been like if I had the courage to ask for it, and my family had the power to suppress immediate reactions and appreciate the level of trust their child showed them. I'm still not sure, however, whether it's worth to cross the line. Is this something the parents would want? Or is it fair to let them live with a better image of their kids? I'm not sure if this ranting can open some sort of discussion, but I'll post it anyway....</p>
<p>It’s hard to answer this question since the nature of the parent-student relationship varies so much from family to family. I think our kids are quite open with us, and my wife and I are always very realistic with them. I don’t think they fear any over-reaction or negative consequences from being frank with us. But then, I’d be really surprised to hear that they were into drugs (other than alcohol). I’d want to know, and I’m sure they’d feel more concern and support than condemnation.</p>
<p>yesterday - It’s NOT an image issue, not at all. For teens to become functioning adults, mistakes need to be made and dealt with. Bad decisions will be made – I’ve made more than I care to recall. As a parent I’m (mostly) interested in knowing that my child has learned from, and become a stronger person as a result of recovering from bad decisions. And frankly, I don’t need regular confessions to know whether things are going OK for my kids. Besides, how much fun can you have in college if you know everything you do and say would be going straight back to Mom and Dad?</p>
<p>If my child ever felt in need of advice and support (OP’s words) I’d want him to tell me and I hope I’d be able to give that advice/support. No matter what the issue is.</p>
<p>This varies so much from family to family. I know families where the children are completely, 100% open with their parents (or, sometimes, their mother), families where massive deception and self-deception goes on, and lots in-between. </p>
<p>In my own family – the one in which I grew up – things were completely different depending on which kid it was. My older foster brother and my middle sister shared absolutely everything with my mother, and in real time (as real as time got in the pre-Twitter era). Sex, drugs, specific sexual techniques, who they wished would go out with them – nothing was private. I NEVER discussed those things with my mother in real time. I had a six-month rule; I would talk about things that had happened at least six months before, and pretty much on a PG level. I would talk about things like drugs hypothetically – my parents knew what I thought, and I knew what they thought, but I never discussed actual drug use with them. With my youngest sister, the Curtain of Silence descended in 7th grade, and no one in the family has ever had a personal conversation with her in the 30+ years since then.</p>
<p>My kids are more or less like I was – little or no real-time information, but enough theoretical discussion so that I am pretty sure I know about where they are in terms of behavior. (Also, one is a writer, and it has always been reasonably easy to tell what is real experience and what vicarious experience in the stories.) When they lived at home, every once in awhile I could pry something out of them, but it’s much harder in 10-minute phone calls over 700 miles. There have been a few times when they were in over their heads in something, and they came to us, and we tried to be helpful, supportive, calm, and nonjudgmental (their mother doesn’t really do nonjudgmental, but they’re used to that).</p>
<p>Some of this dance is a little ridiculous. Parents in general are much more realistic and understanding than their children believe. As a rough matter, based on my sense of my kids and their friends in high school, I thought maybe 15-20% of parents were seriously deluded about their children’s behavior. Maybe less. The others either knew, suspected, or inferred what was going on – the inferences often based, quite soundly, on their own issues. (News flash: Sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.)</p>
<p>For the most part, I think when kids give their parents a chance to step up and be supportive and helpful, the parents will be, even when it really challenges them. But parents aren’t perfect, and sometimes the challenge can be too much</p>
<p>I get too much information. I even get information about her friends. I pretty much know every party (what goes on at those parties), who is going out with whom, who is having problems at home. </p>
<p>My D1 had a few medical problems this year. It was very easy for her to come to me for help because I knew most of going ons in her life. </p>
<p>As a parent, I would rather know the worst my kid could do, if it means in some ways I could help her out. I wouldn’t want my kid to think she was alone in the world if she needed help.</p>
<p>I have one kid who seems to share everything, to the point of, sometimes, too much information…I am well able to advise her when she asks because I so thorougly understand her point of view…I know what bugs her and what she likes and I know her pros & cons thought processes, thus my role is to make sure she has all the pros & cons to consider.</p>
<p>My others are more private, one especially was, until she crashed and burned, then she told me 98% and we were clear on what specific items were not being discussed. Once again, some of it was more than I wanted to hear, but not more than I could handle and she would not have been able to extricate herself from the mess without a clearer mind prevailing. </p>
<p>After that incident, she does share more than she had before, yet she is still not as forthcoming as the chatty one. </p>
<p>It is a fine line between too much info, support/attack, etc.</p>
<p>I do know that even when the chatty once makes a decision with which I disagree, that I am still assured it was well-considered, as I have heard her thoughts…all of them ;)</p>
<p>Honestly? If there were nothing I could do about it, then maybe it’s best that they not share. It would just make me worry. But if they need advice, moral support or concrete assistance, they i would hope that they would trust us enough to come for help.</p>
<p>Both of my two are fairly private, S to a greater degree than often-chatty D.
But neither is very open about their relationships. D highly open regarding anything related to her academic life (she’s been quite successful). S exceptionally private about his (not as successful).</p>
<p>It’s hard for me as it’s my nature to be an open book type of personality. My kids feel like I’m prying. But as any of my friends will say–I’m just naturally curious. The inquisitiveness has not been a blessing with my kids. H doesn’t seem to have the need to share info/communicate as much as I. So for him, it’s not so difficult.</p>
<p>I do believe, perhaps naively, that if either one was in need of serious help/support, they know they could get it, quickly and without reprisal.</p>
<p>I have one of each, D is pretty open with me about herself, her friends, school, etc., S on the other hand doesn’t share anything. Having a conversation with S is like pulling teeth and that is regardless of topic! D doesn’t share as much with dad but he’s not the one that ususally carpools with her. </p>
<p>I would hope regardless of what the issue was, they would feel comfortable enough to come to us. Just yesterday D was saying that she didn’t think her friends talked to their parents as much as she & I talk…</p>
<p>I would say my kids are middle of the road. I completely trust them about the hot-button issues and we talk about them. But, certainly, my oldest son (18) wants and deserves privacy so when we talk about important things it is in a more general, less personal way. My youngest is more forthcoming.</p>
<p>I think THEY THINK I am TMI about issues (I am a nurse practitioner who works with high risk adolescents) and so they are FULLY aware of risks, etc. and we are a very open family about sex, drugs, risks, our expectations, etc. </p>
<p>So we talk, I listen, they listen and hopefully they know and understand that I am always, ALWAYS here for them when they run into trouble. (I am asking my son right now and he is kinda rolling his eyes…“yeah, Mom”)</p>
<p>“But the number of times when I needed advice, couldn’t cross the line, made mistakes and received no support made me wonder what it would’ve been like if I had the courage to ask for it, and my family had the power to suppress immediate reactions and appreciate the level of trust their child showed them.”</p>
<p>Yesterday, it is certainly very normal for young adults to keep personal matters from their parents, and parents understand this. What strikes me most about your question is the quote above…clearly there were times you feel you may have benefited from your parents help, and perhaps suffered to some extent because you did not reach out for that support. Give it a try sometime…even if they cannot suppress their immediate reaction, it does not mean that they would not appreciate the trust you show them, and give you the help and support that you need. Parents are human, and that immediate knee-jerk response is just that…before the real response and real work of helping you begins. Every family is different, but give it a try and see what happens…I hope my daughter will do the same when she starts college next year!</p>
<p>S1 shares alot (I’m pretty sure not everything). He’s never really known how to end a phone conversation. We’ve been relatively open to whatever he has to tell us, trying to remember what it was like to be his age. We offer advice (whether solicited or not), but apparently he still feels like it’s OK to tell us almost anything. I didn’t tell my parents very much when I was his age, so this has been a pleasant surprise.</p>
<p>S2, on the other hand, is the “pulling teeth” kid. He doesn’t even tell us good news, let alone anything that may be bothering him. Phone conversations are brief & inconsistent. Being the youngest, he’s always been motivated to prove he can do things all on his own, so the contrast with his older brother isn’t surprising. Since he’s only a college freshman, it’s taken us some time to get used to his level of communication, but we’ve adjusted to taking whatever we can get.</p>
<p>Over the years, I heard a lot from both kids. As they approached entry to college, it certainly has decreased. Fine with me, I don’t think they need to bounce things off me so much anymore. My S stills confides in H, though.
Interstingly, my D never told me her first choice school and insisted she didn’t have one until the acceptance was in hand. She later told me that she didn’t want me bugging her about it for 4 months. Oh well.</p>
<p>I have to say that this is not a one-sided issue. One of the biggest mistakes of my life came when I decided to break my six-month rule and tell my mother something current about my emotional life, something I knew she hungered desperately for. So I told her about how frustrated I was with my inability to get anything going with a girl I liked, and all the reasons why it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It was a great conversation, my mother was so happy and thrilled to be let in on my feelings, and I felt all mature because I had been able let her in.</p>
<p>And the stuff I told my mother in that phone call darn near poisoned the relationship between her and the girl in question when she became, in sequence, my girlfriend, my wife, and the mother of my mother’s grandchildren. I really wish I had chosen some other topic to trust my mother with.</p>
<p>Yesterday, I think you should ask your parents for advice if you want to. I bet they might want to know more about your life.
As a parent, I want to hear about my kids’ problems. I always tell them that there are nothing that are so bad that they could not tell me. I always learned not to blame, but rather look at solutions.
I have a D who does not talk much. She is a college freshman and she wouldn’t even tell me her grades unless if I asked. She will tell me if she has a problem with a class, but nothing about the things that are going well.
OTOH, S share almost everything with me. He called when he is going on a date. Talk about his classes and how much he missed his siblings.</p>
<p>I knew more when my D1 wasn’t driving, without those converstions in the car, I know less. With her it is a fine line because she shuts down of you ask too many questions as my H does. So I try to listen and not probe but have wondered if I should be more persistent. She has never gotten into any trouble. I have always taught her to look for support in appropriate ways. She seems to seek us out or other adults she respects for support. It depends on the situation. I would love to be the one she always turns to but that is not, how it goes. Perhaps that is part of the letting go process. Besides, she needs to learn how to manage her life. I also don’t want to be so proud, that I would discourage her from talking to someone she trusted just because it wasn’t me. She has always had good judgement. D2 tells us more but holds her feelings inside. Sometimes she is like a steel trap. I try to respect who they are, and they are doing well. I still remain vigilant and do all the parental checking. They always know we love them and are there for them.</p>
<p>My parents made it perfectly clear they did not want to know anything difficult. They would not handle our problems and expected us to keep them to ourselves. </p>
<p>I vowed my children would know they could come to me with anything. There was nothing we couldn’t handle together. Over the years, I have uttered those words countless times, made myself open and available to them in a loving, inviting, accepting way. </p>
<p>Do I have warm, close connections to my daughters? Nope. I have two clams. They are happy, successful, well-adjusted clams, but all my efforts at openness have been for naught. They talk to each other quite a bit. Once in a while I’ll query one about the other. They usually won’t spill. </p>
<p>I used to think kids sensed what their parents could handle and acted accordingly. Now that I have clammy kids, I’m not so sure. Maybe they’ve never had anything too earth-shattering to reveal!</p>
<p>To the OP, you probably have a good idea what your parents want to know and how they would react. It’s up to you to decide if their initial anger/disappointment/hurt would be worth their eventual help and support, assuming it would be forthcoming.</p>
<p>You asked a really great question!</p>
<p>je-ne-sais-quoi , exactly, but because you are so open minded, they know you are there and that can be enough. They do listen to us , because it comes out every so often. They don’t also do what we say… They also lead their lives by your example. They prob are so well adjusted because of your parenting.</p>
<p>Yesterday, my parents were pretty closed minded and I was very sure they wouldn’t understand anything so I really kept most things back. On several occasions, others would tell my parents things about me and the results were never particularly good. I learned to rely on myself and make my own decisions. It would have been much better, however, if I could have been more open with them and they could have been better with their reactions.</p>
<p>Because of my upbringing, I have been very open with my kids and they have talked to me (not to their dad) when there are sensitive issues which they needed to deal with. Even my son, who doesn’t share that much has been willing to bring larger issues to me. Usually I just listen and when he’s done talking I share my concerns about his wellbeing in relation to what he had told me.</p>
<p>I am always surprised by my kids reluctance to share with my husband who is a very calm and gentle person (quite different from my temperament). I in turn always share with my husband who usually reacts exactly as I do (which I then pass on to the kids).</p>