<p>Most of us were never standing in the wings shouting "sing out Louise" - but at what point, or IS there a point where parents are too involved? I ask this question here b/c it is something I have been accused of (I was heavily involved at my D's school for all 4 years; did box office, costumes, props, you name it for multiple shows every year). D had to deal frequently with accusations that my involvement impacted her casting, and things got negative more than one time. Heck, it didn't even die when she graduated (although she is gone and insulated from it- makes me jealous) as I have spent much of the last two days dealing with fallout from theater drama that is long past. I don't imagine I will have the opportunity to be involved again (part of why I treasured the chances I had, D is an only child) so I guess I won't learn from them if I made mistakes, but I am just wondering what the group thinks</p>
<p>I vowed to be uninvolved in anything artistically related to D’s productions when she started middle school. I have NEVER spoken to any of her directors about anything related to casting, and only helped out in high school peripherally (box office) after casting was completed, and even then only if D specifically asked me to. She is now a senior in college, and I have purposely never met or spoken to anyone in her department, except when they have asked to meet her parents. She also works professionally and I have never met or spoken with any of her professional directors or coworkers, except to briefly congratulate them after shows.</p>
<p>D and I are very different people (she is much nicer than I am), and I always assumed (I think correctly) that she would be both happier and better off if I kept my distance from her professional world. </p>
<p>That said, she often asks my advice and opinion, and I always try to learn what I can about the MT world (often from you all 
) so I can at least offer support if not actual advice. </p>
<p>Those HS years are so few and fleeting. Do not regret your involvement. Other parents have just as much opportunity to step up and help, too. Goodness knows there are ALWAYS jobs to be done and never enough hands. Please don’t let others jealous rantings ruin your memories of close times shared with your daughter. </p>
<p>@MTmom2015 - I have no regrets, that’s not it. I am just thinking at what point would a “normal” person say- “too much”. Translate to a different arena- at what point is the parent who brings snacks, hosts dinners, washes uniforms etc for a team “too” involved. Again, I am not looking for validation of my own choices, I enjoyed them, know that they were valued by the people I care about, and it’s all water under the bridge anyway. </p>
<p>Our job is to produce a healthy, functional adult human beings. If your daughter thought you should stop being involved and you didn’t that’s a problem but if she was happy and you were happy that’s all that matters. Now that she’s gone, is she functioning without you? Is she happy? Is she nice to others? Does she deal with rejection (a constant state of being in theatre) well? If the answer to these questions is “yes” then you did your job and it’s nobody else’s business how she got there. </p>
<p>You can still offer to help at the high school or just walk away, that too is your option.</p>
<p>From what we’ve seen, the “how much is too much” parental involvement question persists long after college for many MT families, unsurprisingly primarily involving financial support. Our family has long made it clear that our financial involvement ends with college graduation (we may keep paying for health insurance), as we believe financial independence is an important aspect of growing up and would like to treat both children equally, but many MT families seem to take a very different approach. I’ll let you know how that works out in 5 years. ;)</p>
<p>@momcares - that is our plan too (though we may be stretching, D has recently started talking about additional studying, an MFA etc…) but never say never - who knows, that lottery ticket I bought yesterday may pay off big time, and I will buy an apt in NYC and run it as a home for actors…with 1st priority for kids of CC members :-* </p>
<p>Too much would’ve been calling the director when your child wasn’t cast in the lead role. Speaking ill of the child who did get the lead role because you wanted your child to have the part. Talking trash about the director and the show because your child wasn’t cast in the lead. Yeah, that’s too much and yes, I have seen that happen! But what you did was exactly what I did all through high school not to influence casting but because I saw that help was always needed and I’m a helper by nature. I was a helper from kindergarten through high school. Always involved and the teachers and other students always knew me. It was never done to influence any key decisions, it was just being a solution to the problem of there being few volunteers.</p>
<p>Oh @GSOMTMom it sounds as if youve been in our town! Unfortunately I have seen similar scenarios play out at school and in community theaters. It is a tough call, because without the assistance of parents in getting shows produced, many schools would not be able to have shows. The teacher/director cannot do it alone. Parents and teachers should be thanking you for helping shows happen. It breaks my heart when I see friendships irretrievably broken, usually over casting decisions. But it has happened to us also. I agree that as long as your involvement stayed out of the casting/directing realm, then your hard work should have been celebrated by the parents whose kids got to be in those shows. Although being the target of such gossip is hurtful, I can only think that the experience will have helped you and your D develop a thick skin which will come in handy as she continues to pursue theater.<br>
P.s. I have seen similar parent issues in sports over making a team or playing time. Accusations of favoritism towards kids whose parents volunteer coach. It’s unfortunately not just a theater issue. </p>
<p>@toowonderful - I’ve been amazed by the number of MT families who buy NYC condos for their kids’ use, many before they even finish college. I’ve seen too many future sea level maps AND too many actors getting jobs outside of the city (not to mention actors’ sporadic ability to pay rent) to consider an NYC actor pad a wise investment. ;)</p>
<p>@MomCares- no worries- I don’t predict any real estate investments in my future- a joke about a home for all our kids as they work on figuring out what comes next.</p>
<p>I agree 100% with everyone’s response above. I’m going to add something that is probably a little hard to hear. Heavy parental (family) involvement with a theatre, school or other, including heavy volunteering, large donations and/or board membership will always be seen as having a positive impact on casting. Knowing that some people will think that is the risk you take if you decide to be involved. Does it actually help? It might. Think of the numerous examples of kids with no talent we have probably all seen who occasionally snag a big role over far more talented kids who also could fit the role by type etc. One explanation could be the commitment of the family to the program. It may not be clean but it’s the way the world works. Perhaps that’s a price worth paying to have the volunteer manpower, funding and leadership to put these shows on in the first place. Theatres know that people are motivated by the occasional thrown bone. It’s just smart business.</p>
<p>The problem is when the involved parent is also the parent of the kid that is the one that is actually a standout talent and the best one for the role. There will still be some level of heat and feelings of resentment. It’s a lousy “thank you” but it comes with the territory and though it’s not fair, it is there. The people that understand casting, will get it and appreciate your help and how your kid’s talent makes the show better. Those who don’t or won’t out of spite, you can’t do anything about. All you can do is trust yourself. </p>
<p>I for one would like to extend a BIG thank you to all of the uber-involved parents I’ve met along the road. I was not one of them but I know full well that the opportunities the kids in our area had, including mine, would not have existed without them.</p>
<p>I was a very active school and neighborhood volunteer, but made a specific effort to stay away from Theatre stuff in part because of the inevitable competition surrounding casting, in part because I had done Theatre professionally and wasn’t interested in doing it as a volunteer job, and in part because our kids’ school directors preferred that the kids do all the artistic work (including sets and costumes).</p>
<p>Obviously volunteers and art patrons play a critical role in sustaining theatres, and my hat is off to every one of them. I do wonder, though, when it became the norm that {Theatre Parent} = {Arts Patron}. Where is the de’Medici family when we need them? ;)</p>
<p>I did professional theater too- and D innocently mentioned that when starting HS…that’s when the barrage started…</p>
<p>This came across my Facebook wall, shortly after reading this thread. While it it is not to quite the same point as the OP, it gives some non-theatrical correlations.</p>
<p>In case the link is not allowable, the title is Are we Raising a Generation of Helpless Kids?</p>
<p><a href=“Are We Raising a Generation of Helpless Kids? | HuffPost Life”>HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost;
<p>@MT4Life - “Another mother accompanied her child on a job interview, then wondered why he didn’t get the job.”</p>
<p>Hmmm… yes, that does seem like a tad bit too much. ;)</p>
<p>It’s important to emphasize that the behavior mentioned in this article is not what the OP is implying. I’ve known many an uber volunteer parent who was not an overly protective or overly controlling parent. Some people are just extremely generous with their time in things they feel passionate about and that could be involvement in activities like youth drama or the school board, things that have nothing to do with their kids activities like the local soup kitchen, PAWS etc. I know that I didn’t like doing anything for the school that involved the kids or classroom directly like field trips, etc…( Ew kids… yuck 
) Thank goodness there were other parents that really liked that kind of thing. I was more of a behind the scenes, work on the auction, host a parent coffee sort of gal.</p>
<p>Thanks @halflokum - I think there is a difference between contributing and micromanaging- my kid is FAR from helpless (except for laundry, every blessed week she has some question about what gets washed with what- makes me crazy). It’s funny, I was not at all a “volunteer mom” all through the elementary years, I wasn’t available. She used to beg for me to take a turn as “room mom”, but I had my own classes to teach. Not until she got to middle- and things shifted to afterschool did I have a chance to be involved in that sense- and then I was really busy with her stuff in high school. I have known great parents who volunteer constantly, and great parents who stay well away. But it’s interesting that the conversation has taken this turn, and it does rel- people tend to think if you are often where your kid is- they must not be able to handle things on their own (not implying that you think that @MT4Life or MomCares - just saying that thoughts trend in that direction) Interesting thoughts- thanks for the viewpoints everyone</p>
<p>I help run the drama program at the high school and have since the beginning of Ds sophmore year. Unfortuantely, the program was going to bite the dust since no one was stepping up … and D asked me to. (I have absolutely no background in the arts/music either.) In simplistic terms, I’m the producer and my co-sponsor is the director. In the beginning (and D was already in leadership in the program at that point) we had a meeting w/ all the kids involved and they were told in no uncertain terms that I had absolutely nothing to do with casting of the shows and as long as D was involved, I wouldn’t. And I really don’t. (In fact, D has never had a lead and has chosen not to do the fall production this year. And here I am stuck producing it anyway - lol.) </p>
<p>It’s been a strange process really. A lot of times I think the kids really forget that I’m Ds mom. (There’s no good way to explain it - but if you would see the texts & fb messages I get at times, you would totally agree.) I think the parents have other ideas sometimes - but there really hasn’t been any favoritism when it comes to my own kid so there’s nothing they can really point to. </p>
<p>But honestly. It’s high school. The truth of the matter is, is that if you have a talent or profession that lends itself to our program (carpenter, seamstress, etc.) and you step up, your kid is going to get a role. But that’s not really any different from real life, when who you know can really matter. </p>
<p>@KaMaMom - good for you for stepping up- and thanks for sharing the story!!</p>