How much oversight?

Parents Forum
1

<p>S is freshman at liberal arts focused university in the East, we were very worried about whether his "senioritis" and other issues would cause him to flame out at school. So far, he seems to be doing ok, partying a fair amount, more than I'd like but not extreme and he says he is doing well in classes and reports grades on tests etc. that are fine. </p>

<p>His university email account is set up right now to forward a copy to one of my email accounts; this started because we were having such difficulties with the IT system and getting on to the email at all, but it is still there, SO.....I get copies of university related email. </p>

<p>Today he skipped a three hour chem lab that started at 830 am and I am sure it is because he was beat from a fun weekend. He told a prof that he'd missed lab bc he was ill, the prof is letting him make it up. Am I over the top in worrying about this? I don't want to make a big deal about still seeing emails bc he (a) might change the settings and (b) feel like I am over monitoring him. At the same time this kind of behavior is an echo of some of the worst that we had his senior year. </p>

<p>Thoughts from this group appreciated.</p>

2

<p>In this case, ignorance would be bliss. If you would rather not stress about it, then tell him that he should change his settings. I may get flamed for this, but it is time for him to sink or swim.</p>

3

<p>If it’s a one-time thing, I wouldn’t worry. If it becomes a pattern, then I’d worry.</p>

4

<p>I think the moral thing to do here is stop looking at his email or ask him to nix the forwarding function.</p>

<p>I think the healthy thing for you, your son, and your relationship with your son, is to stop monitoring. Let him grow up and have some independence, and let you have some peace of mind too. But you know this already, I am sure you do. </p>

<p>If you really have to care this much, then focus on OUTCOMES- how he does over a semester of courses, not how he manages his day to day choices. Discuss it at xmas break, don’t micromanage his life on campus. </p>

<p>MizzBee is absolutely right that ignorance is bliss here (and I think it is one VERY good reason kids should be away at a college, so you don’t have to watch and worry and get ourselves doing our child’s life for them). You can’t keep a tight reign on them at this age even if you wanted to, and every little thing can stress you out, so best just not to even go there. </p>

<p>Not to mention, even if your son didn’t mind your monitoring, do you really think that you knowing or you saying anything would have any impact? Of course it won’t! So you reading his email is just stressing you out and doing nothing constructive. </p>

<p>He has to deal with real consequences and will figure things out sooner or later. He’ll make some mistakes along the way probably but that is great. Its part of growing up. His real life experiences and natural consequences at this point are going to shape him more than any repeated lecture about responsibility or nagging on your part.</p>

<p>We all know what its like to worry as a parent but really I think its critical that us parents realize we can’t control everything our kids do. I can not imagine anything you can do from afar that is going to ensure he doesn’t skip classes (and I would add I actually add that at least he emailed the prof and came up with a solution!). If it makes you feel better, TONS of kids get senioritis, do drugs and alcohol in senior year and college, skip classes and end up very totally fine as adults. Most of my friends are professors, we all selectively skipped classes sometimes and occasionally partied too much. </p>

<p>Gosh, come to think of it, I lost a whole letter grade in a course once because I skipped a last class for a day time end of year frat party (in which a lot of material for the final exam was covered). Oops. But I ended up a professor at an Ivy…it all worked out.</p>

5

<p>The last thing I would ever want to do is receive copies of my kids’ e-mails.</p>

<p>If there is a problem with him getting onto the university e-mail system regularly, suggest that he get a gmail or yahoo account and forward his e-mails to that rather than having them forwarded to you.</p>

6

<p>I am going to disagree – there is such a thing as “begin as you mean to go on.”</p>

<p>There might be merit in saying “I learned that you missed a lab. That lab cost our family $$$ per hour (figure out tuition/room/board for semester. Divide by the number of weeks per term and then by number of class hours per week). Why should I spend $$$ on you if you can’t get your rear out of bed? I might as well take that money and go have a spa day. I feel like a complete idiot that I spent $$$ and your were horizontal and snoring. Don’t let that happen again!!!”</p>

<p>I suspect that son will very quickly block your electronic access. That may happen anyway. But he has received a clear message about your value set – you could follow this up with “You may need classes later in the day next semester It is fine to arrange your schedule to fit your bio rhythms – but you need to attend the classes you are enrolled in now.”</p>

<p>It’s a tricky path to navigate - when to give liberty and when to supervise – but expecting a student to be in a class that is paid for seems like a reasonable expectation. You can’t “make” that happen – but you can be very clear that your name isn’t “Doormat”.</p>

7

<p>Here’s what I would do:</p>

<p>1) Call son and ask if he is sick. Then you’d know.
2) Regardless of the answer, I’d 'fess up: “You might recall that your e-mails are being forwarded to me, so I saw the exchange between you and your teacher. Look, you’re too old for me to monitor your day-to-day life, so I’d like for you to change those settings so I don’t see your e-mails any longer. I’m trusting you to do what needs to be done in order to be successsful at school. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll have to revisit the whole situation after the semester is over.”</p>

<p>Ds also gave me full privileges to his account. I’ve never logged on because I know if I started I wouldn’t stop. I don’t even know how much I can see – grades? e-mails? I don’t know. We’ve really got to start trusting them at some point. Ignorance is indeed bliss. Until he gives me a reason to believe things are going south I’m going to trust that all is well.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

8

<p>You had valid concerns last year. Now, it’s natural to want to be a good parent and balance trust vs oversight. If he skipped the lab but arranged to make it up- that’s positive. You’re worried that this is the tip of the iceberg.<br>
In your shoes, I’d lead with something light, somewhat positive- “I’m proud of you for being there. I’m happy you’re making friends, having fun.” In your own words, it should convey confidence in him, awareness of the lure of social things. Done right, it softens him up for, “Just remember not to let parties overrun your academics. I did see that email about missing lab. But it’s great that you’re making it up.” You show awareness of the situation without being intrusive or overbearing. Lead with soft, then the heart of the matter, then close with soft. No, it’s not easy.</p>

9

<p>I really like Youdon’tsay and lookingforward’s advice. </p>

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<p>Yes.
The social aspects of college are very important. Balance is the key, and it takes most kids awhile to find that balance.
It sounds like he knows he screwed up, and the prof let him off this time, but he has to know that he’s used his “illness excuse” and he has no more excuses left. I doubt that you have to say too much at all beyond the fact that you saw he missed his lab and hope he’s feeling ok. (ill+hangover??) But I’d definitely ask him to remove you from his email account while telling him that you know that all of the freedom takes some getting used to, but you trust he’ll learn to balance the fun and the work in time to do well this semester.</p>

10

<p>I wouldn’t want to micro-manage, and would probably tell my S what I’d seen and that he should change the settings.</p>

<p>BUT…I would be very clear about my expectations in terms of minimum courseload and minimum acceptable GPA each semester, and I would be monitoring end-of-semester grades. I realize these are sent to the kid, not the parent. Our deal would be that he show grades to me in exchange for next semester’s tuition. If my $ is in the game, I’m in the game.</p>

11

<p>I kind of disagree with Olymom. I watched some of my friends argue with their parents as their parents broke down the cost of each hour of class and it never ended well - instead of thinking more deeply about the value of their education, they usually sulked and were more upset (and sometimes more rebellious).</p>

<p>Skipping one lab and making up a lame excuse is just a part of college life. If he were skipping multiple classes and making a habit out of it, then I understand, but the professor is letting him make up the lab and he’s none worse for the wear.</p>

<p>You already said that he’s reporting satisfactory grades in classes and that he’s not being too extreme. One class is not going to kill him.</p>

12

<p>I would stop reading his emails. But I would let him know what’s min GPA you expect for you to continue to fund his education. It is also not too late to have a discussion about his summer plan - how much you would expect him to contribute toward his schooling from his summer job. I would also encourage him to get a job on campus. We made a deal with D1 that we would continue to give her regular allowance if she were to get a job on campus. When they are busy, they are more organized and are able to accomplish more.</p>

<p>When D1 wanted to live in a sorority, H told her if her GPA fell below X then she would be required to move out, and if her GPA fell l below X- then we would stop paying for her school. Then her field of work required minimum of 3.5 GPA to even apply, and we said “Thank-you.”</p>

13

<p>i agree with olymom. we are talking about a 17/18-year-old here (and dad has indicated that there has been cause for alarm in the past). no matter what the law says, they really aren’t ‘adults’. no harm in being real clear about what u expect. they still listen to us and we still have some influence. if your college freshman is beyond your influence, then there’s a problem…</p>

14

<p>Looking at a previous post, I see that your son had some alcohol and substance abuse problems in the past- problems beyond what I consider “senioritis.” and now I see why you’re concerned. You may have more reason to worry than the parent of a typical kid who oversleeps a class.
But…it’s time for the real world consequences to provide a wake-up call. It’s kind of too bad the prof let him off this time. If you give him a hard time about skipping class while the “real world” lets him off with a pass, it won’t help your case. All the more reason to stop monitoring him and let the chips fall where they may, as one poster suggested. Let him find his own way, and have faith that he will, eventually. It’s tough, but you can’t do it for him.</p>

15

<p>Our D2 went through tough times last year and is now a freshman. Like OP, we continue to watch for signs she is struggling. It’s still our job.<br>
I have not seen your other posts, so can’t comment on the tough love advocated above. Sometimes, as juillet says, it pushes kids further away, backfires. </p>

<p>I would never ask her to remove me from the emails. But, I would respectfully accept whatever choice she made.</p>

16

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<p>After 18 years of living together and one bad year of senioritis and dad sending him into counselling, I am pretty confident son already knows dad’s value set. </p>

<p>Now is not the time for lectures. Oy. Let it go- let real life play out and see how the outcome looks. </p>

<p>Making mountains out of molehills. Given your anxiety, perhaps he also did not have a drug and alcohol abuse problem but simply was being lazy and smoking pot and drinking at parties. This does not make it abuse, it makes him a pretty typical 18 year old.</p>

17

<p>I really wouldn’t want to have access to my S or D’s email. I don’t even have access to their facebook. It just seems a little too much like snooping - correction - it IS snooping! I do have access to their final grades for the semester (since I’m paying the bill). They both know the consequences for falling grades (loss of scholarship, which means coming back home to community college). I know it’s hard to trust, if trust has been broken before. But, as an adult, I would be horrified and violated if anyone - even my husband- read my emails. I will give my adult children the same privacy.</p>

<p>So, advice to OP: Let it slide, don’t say anything, wait to see semester grades, but make sure there is a (financial) consequence for grades below a certain level.</p>

18

<p>Building on what megpmom and others have said about insisting on a certain GPA:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Find out what is normal/average AT LEAST for your kid as a freshman. I think its ridiculous for parents to set particular standards when they have no idea what they are talking about. just because S or D had a 4.4 in HS tells you nothing about what htey will get at a particular college if if they are working their butt off. The last thing you need is a stressed out kid, doing all the wrong thing- wrong courses, cutting corners, cheating- in the name of meeting some kind of arbitrary cut off point. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t make the threat if you aren’t truly willing to stick to it. And don’t kid yourself. My sense is this kind of parent, who has to fight back hand holding and seems extremely anxious, is not the kind of parent that would follow through on making their kid unenroll from college. A parent irrationally worried about a single missed lab substituted with a new time is the same parent irrationally worried their kid will never succeed.</p></li>
</ol>

19

<p>PM me, if you want, since I’ve been there. Many posters here are saying, just whup his ***. Obviously, it’s more complicated. It is true he may simply have missed one class- and that it won’t necessarily slay his education or become a pattern. It’s true that he must learn some lessons on his own. But, growing successful young adults is far more than threatening a whupping. Espcially if the kid hit potholes last year. Good luck.</p>