My D has been accepted at a few very selective schools with FA. Her acceptances are extremes – the very selective and the safeties, WL for the ones in the middle. I am proud of her and she has worked hard to achieve this. But there have been some costs – she has panic attacks, depression and anxiety. She is taking medication and seeing a counselor and that has helped her to complete her senior year and all her activities. But she only recently began to laugh a little again and she is high strung. I am worried for her at a very competitive school. Keeping up the GPA was a struggle in HS. It can only be harder in college. What to do?
What does her counselor think?
Not all selective schools foster a competitive environment. Some can be quite collaborative.
You may want to look for schools where the student/teacher connection is strong, where meeting with teachers and advisers is frequent, easy to set up, and recommended.
Tough question because the day will come, whether it is now or a couple of years from now, when they will make their own choices, regardless of your opinions/advice. At this stage in the game, you still have some power (financial). You weigh your options according to what you believe the risks are. Is your greatest fear for her a fear of failing at a particular school? Then, I think you do let your student make the choice now and then do everything in your power to set up a support system (new therapist and pdoc) at the school of choice. Students can fail anywhere. Are there life threatening risks? Then, I think you use whatever means necessary to keep the kid safe, even if it means using the power of the purse to say, no, I’m not going to pay for that school.
First, research available counseling at or near the school. Explore resources available through the disabilities office. Make sure that wherever she goes, she knows where to turn to for help and what she can do to help herself. Encourage her to find a counselor right when she gets to campus – she may not need the help, but it will be a comfort to know it’s right there. Encourage her to take the easiest possible load of classes the first semester. Hugs to you… kids with mental health issues present a particularly difficult challenge for parents. Many of us on CC have been there. Feel free to vent and turn to for advice/sympathy.
My D has similar issues. I think one of the main questions is whether she believes the meds are key to her continued success. A kid who will stay on the meds is in a much different situation than one likely to purposefully or negligently stop the meds.
I would ask the counselor for his or her advice on this.
I PM you.
Agree that the counselor’s opinion would greatly influence my decision in a case like this. College is stressful even at the best of times–so many changes and deadlines and new people and situations.
She goes to a big public school and the counselor knows her but not well. So she is like… everything is fine (what was her name again?)
That counselor doesn’t know her well? I think posters were under this impression that she was seeing someone specifically for the mental health issues. Like a therapist.
^^ Correct, that’s the type of counselor I was referring to.
I think when everyone was saying to talk to her counselor we were thinking the counselor who is helping her manage her medication and anxiety, not the GC at school who doesn’t know her. If she is being medicated by someone who doesn’t know her name, that is worrisome.
My DD has anxiety. She got on meds in HS and did well…but going to college ups the anxiety level.
Instead of just new teachers like you might have senior year, you have:
new bedroom, new roommate, new professors, new food, new friends.
So that ups the ante.
Then, if they want to ask for help, there is the anxiety about going to the counseling center or the tutoring center or professors office hours.
Things to consider:
MEDS
How long is she been on meds?
Who actually picks up meds from the drugstore? You or her? She will need to do that (or arrange for mail order). My DD’s college had an arrangement with a local pharmacy to deliver meds…but it didn’t always work ( or she didn’t always request refills on time.) Come up with a back up plan so she could get them her self if necessary (e.g., take a taxi to the pharmacy and here is a taxi number).
I would start having her be in charge of re-ordering meds now so she can get used to it.
How often does she need to see a psychiatrist for med renewals? Ours was like every 3 months but my DD was an hour from home so we could get her if necessary. Would she need one near school?
ORIENTATION:
What kind of orientation does the colleges have?
I steered my DD toward one with a week long orientation…most activities were with kids on your floor so you would get to know them…they also had dedicated Community Assistants who also were useful as advisers/sounding boards at first. A place with one day orientation in the summer and then move in and get started may not be the best thing for anxious kids.
OVERSIGHT:
My DD wanted help with applications and all the signing up for housing etc. so I had her school login. She was also cool with me continuing to have is and I could check on her grades at first to make sure all was well.
Would your DD be cool with that?
SUPPORT:
Look into the Counseling Center… what services do they provide?
During orientation or admitted students day have her visit the center.
Do the same with Tutoring…mine knew she needed tutoring but was too anxious to go to the center until someone went with her.
ACCOMMODATIONS
Does your daughter need any accommodations? (e.g. extra time on tests)
Maybe talk to your DD’s current counselor and disability office about what documentation would be needed.
SELF-AWARENESS
How self-aware is your DD about her anxiety/panic attacks/depression?
Does she know when it is getting worse?
Does she know to ask for help? Or get a friend to help her ask for help?
COMMUNICATION
Does she communicate with you well? Will she tell you if things are not going good?
Will she accept your input? Will she be okay with you checking often to see how it is going?
LOCATION
How far away is the school? Will travelling home on her own cause stress if it is far away?
Can you pick her up if she needs a break?
My DD picked a school an hour away…far enough away to feel like she is “away” but close enough that we can get her if necessary.
TUITION INSURANCE
Look into getting tuition insurance if your DD cannot make it through the semester for medical reasons
ROOMMATES
Probably she will be happier if she knows who she is rooming with before she gets there.
Tell her that her expectation is that the roommate is a reasonable person and if they are good friends that exceeds expectations. Make sure she knows to talk to her RA about issues early on if she has issues.
COMPETITION:
My DD was the type of kid who likes to be around other competent people…like when she was in 5th grade basketball and she could have played down with the little kids (and be a star) or up with the older kids she chose to be up with the older kids.
We picked a school where she was at around the 75% of GPA/SAT… Not the best, but toward the top.
Malcolm Gladwell says it is best to be a big fish in a small pond, rather than the opposite.
Can your DD handle competing against the best of the best?
COMPLETION
It is better that she feels comfortable and does well in a “safety” school rather than get stressed out and drop out of a “reach” school. It is where you actually graduate from that counts.
INDEPENDENCE
Up until now, mom and dad have been prodding her somewhat to do homework, etc.
How well does she do this on her own?
PEER PRESSURE
For this one tiny span of time in their life, there is much pressure on going to a “good school”.
Once you are in school, nobody really cares where you are going, but senior year she may feel pressured to pick the “best” school even though it is not the best fit for her.
So if she picks a safety, then you (and her) can tell people: DD is going to East State college…we looked into many choices and this is the best fit for her.
She should choose the school with the most collaborative environment, have an off-campus therapist, and choose a major that won’t stress her out. My daughter is about to graduate after 4 years of anxiety and depression. She had great support, but college was one rough ride. She got into grad school, but with our encouragement, is taking a deferment to be certain she wants to continue.
Mental health trumps everything.
Thank you @Massmomm, @bopper and everyone. Sorry for the confusion. I should have said the medical professional – therapist. A psychiatrist writes the prescriptions. The therapist is really a nice person, but she has not yet completed her MSW – low cost clinic. She is not very experienced – we got her on the fly, back when we were in a rush/ emergency mode. My feeling is that she is overly optimistic and inexperienced. She is also very ill but my D loves her. I will think over all the things you all have posted and repost later. You have been very helpful so far.
If your D likes her therapist, don’t be too quick to discount that, in spite of her lack of experience. Finding a therapist you connect with is very difficult.
I would look at her acceptances and decide which schools are collaborative, not too far, with counseling on campus and possibly off campus if necessary. I would also ask ahead of time if she can set up an appointment to meet with a counselor during the first week of school. I would narrow the list to those schools that meet this criteria.
I’d try to have her meet counselor BEFORE school starts. We did that for our kids who have chronic health issues–went to campus a week prior to move in to have them meet 3 MDs, so they’d have folks to see if their health needed more than health center (> bandaid). It gave them, us and the U peace of mind.
OP! Do u feel confident mfortabl posting the college’s of most interest?