<p>My D is a transfer from a more selective liberal arts school. This year has been a horrendous one for her, (attempted suicide, serious depression, social issues) so my husband and I are in agreement that she needs to leave. She managed to get great grades and get accepted to great transfer schools, a few of which cost over 60K
Unfortunately, our financial situation has changed a lot in the last year, and it will be very hard to afford a college of that cost, however, we do make enough to not qualify for FAFSA help....</p>
<p>Our question: Should we take our daughter to see these schools if we know they won't work out for us? She was accepted to other schools that are of lower cost, but two of the schools she was accepted to were dreams for her...With her severe depression, we want the best fit, but we do not want to upset her more if they wind up being financially unfeasible.</p>
<p>Only you know if you can afford them or not. If you cant, then dont visit them. Not a good idea to let her visit, feel connected to them, and then be told no.</p>
<p>Are any of the cheaper schools near your home?</p>
<p>another option…ask for a year delay in enrollment. then your money situation may improve and your D may be more mentally healthy.</p>
<p>I am guessing that perhaps the treatment costs have also affected your situation? If so, then why not keep her home for a year…and see. </p>
<p>I would be very hesitant to send a seriously depressed suicidal student into another school. You say that she also had social issues. Can you clarify? would those exist at the new school?</p>
<p>so often these issues emerge or are triggered at this age.</p>
<p>{{{ hugs }}}}</p>
<p>@mom2collegekids My D is very determined to not go to school close to home. For her, homesickness was a non issue. Her social issues mainly came from the sorority scene. She was not accepted and it has been very bad for her. She does not want to stay home, and we think she will be ok (doctors advice) she is VERY determined and driven. Unfortunately it was due to a salary cut at my husbands job (luckily I am still in work) </p>
<p>She will do fine, it is an unhealthy environment for her. WE think she will almost be worse off in deferring a year. The doctors are confident that she can handle it. (She kept a 3.84 despite all of this)</p>
<p>so, of the all the new schools…are they Greek-free? …or low-greek?</p>
<p>so it sounds like the financial situation may not get fixed within the next two years. </p>
<p>BTW…do you have any idea of why she did not receive a bid? that had to be heart-breaking. Does she have trouble making female friends? I’m only asking because is there something else that needs attention before she embarks on a new school where finding a group of friends may be more difficult. </p>
<p>Is she finishing frosh or soph year? did she make friends outside the greek system? or was the school “so greek” that that was difficult? </p>
<p>Low Greek. All of them are low. I do not know why. She has no problems making girlfriends (she went to private girls school for 8 years!) Freshman year. The school is so Greek that it is too much. She had a nice group of girl friends who all went Greek this semester and they have since moved on to sorority life. We do not know the reasons, but we do know that the system is incredibly flawed at her school, and less than half of the girls that rushed received a bid…She has never had a problem socially. She was always “popular” or at least had a lot of friends in high school, nice girls that were not trouble. She is incredibly outgoing and mature for her age…she has never had social issues. We were all shocked post rush.</p>
<p>Ok…sounds like a greek system where alumni recommendations get weighed heavily.</p>
<p>Can you start by visiting the cheaper schools and see if those please her?</p>
<p>What is your H saying about affording the pricier schools? </p>
<p>We will do that…actually it was not that, we are unsure. She was not the only one in the situation.
We are visitng the less expensive first. It is hard because she is incredibly pumped over one of the pricy schools, she had always dreamed of it (from early HS) H is unsure…we have saved a lot for college, but we weren’t expecting tuition to be over 60K (yikes) We are trying to work everything out.</p>
<p>The crux of the situation is that she needs to withdraw by June 1 at her current school or we will be fined, and almost all of the other schools require a June 1st decision.</p>
<p>So…are the visits within the next week or so? </p>
<p>$60k+ times 3 years is $180k. You and your H need to quickly decide if that is do-able…or not.</p>
<p>How much are the cheaper schools?</p>
<p>Yes. they begin next week…we are working on it now. thanks for the advice, we will update!! CHeaper schools would be about 18-22K less per year</p>
<p>Good luck on the trips! </p>
<br>
<br>
<p>so, a difference of about $60k overall…after taxes. Would it be safe to say that it would take $100k in earnings to net that extra $60k?</p>
<p>I suppose so. Without going to to too great of detail, we made a substantial amount of money and its not the same now. things might get better, but we have no way to predict…</p>
<p>You have to withdraw or you will be “fined”? Please explain this. It makes no sense. Students withdraw from colleges at almost any time one can imagine. The fall term will not have started or been billed for at her current college. What kinds of “fine” would they give?</p>
<p>Also, if you have determined that this is a toxic environment for your daughter, why wouldn’t she just withdraw for next year immediately?</p>
<p>ETA…the issues you mentioned in your OP (attempted suicide, depression, social issues) are not usually caused by lack of a bid in sorority rush, in my opinion. I’m not sure I would want my own kiddo far away from home for the upcoming school year.</p>
<p>Yes, if we do not withdraw by June 1st, they charge $600 for housing in the fall. D is scared that she is going to freak out. We are ready to, but she is nervous. We don’t want to upset her or stress her out.
Just searching for advice…did anyone run into anything similar?</p>
<p>She is freaking out about WHAT? Losing a $600 housing deposit? That isn’t a FINE. It is a deposit.</p>
<p>Honestly, the more you write, the less it makes it sound like your daughter should return to this college OR go away elsewhere.</p>
<p>If this is a transfer she wants, and she applied to a variety of schools (presumably because ALL were acceptable transfer choices), then there really should be no freaking out at this point. In my opinion.</p>
<p>I would choose a school close to home where she can continue to get help for her depression. You need to put her mental health well being first. I’m not sure any college change is going to resolve these issues.</p>
<p>It is not the deposit, which is $300. It is in addition. I spoke with housing today. I did not expect such responses on this website. </p>
<p>I would say, decide before you visit. If you definitely can’t afford a school, don’t visit. </p>
<p>If you feel like you could and would be willing to scrape by, then visit. Maybe she won’t end up loving it as much as she thinks, and you’ll be “off the hook”. But if you go, you need to go in understanding that she’s probably going to fall more in love. Don’t let her do that unless you can ultimately say “yes”. </p>
<p>However… I’d put some of the extra cost on her, unless she’d be already maxed out even at the lower-priced schools. My son is a HS senior. He got a full tuition scholarship at our state flagship, which he liked a fair bit when he visited, but he was more in love with a pricier private that we could just barely afford, with him making a substantial contribution. I laid it on the line for him that if he took the full tuition scholarship, all he’d be responsible for paying for would be his snacks, entertainment and incidentals. If he chose the pricier school he’d have $7500/year in loans, and have to work through the summers to make another $3K contribution to tuition, plus working during the school year to pay for his textbooks in addition to his incidentals. When we re-visited, he confirmed that he did like it more, but not enough more to go into debt for and have more financial pressure on his summer and school year earnings. He will be going to the state flagship. We’re relieved because it is less money for us to pay as well as him not having the debt. I think he made the right choice, but I was glad we were able to let him make a choice. So… I don’t know if this would translate well to your situation, but that’s what worked for us. </p>
<p>Good luck figuring it out!</p>
<p>@mathmomvt Have not thought of that approach…we will definitely talk to her about that. Great advice, much appreciated!</p>
<p>Transfermom. I’m not meaning to be harsh. Here are my suggestions.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Withdraw from the current university. You have already determined this is a bad environment for your daughter, right? That being the case, withdraw, and you won’t lose any money to them for any reason.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider your daughter’s mental health situation first and foremost. Simply switching schools is not a guarantee that the same issues won’t resurface. The issues you mentioned…attempted suicide, depression are very serious issues, and in my opinion sorority rush results would not cause them. But that is my opinion.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>You want your daughter to be happy and healthy before you jump into making a new college,decision.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>How long do you have to make a commitment to the transfer schools? I would take as much time as possible. Let your daughter relax. No one should make this kind of decision while “freaking out” or being anxious or nervous. It’s not easy to think clearly in those states.</p></li>
<li><p>If it were me, I would consider one year at a school close to home.</p></li>
<li><p>Regarding finances…it sounds like you have plenty on your plate without adding a financial burden. Pick a college that is affordable. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Yes, my cousin had to withdraw from a highly ranked LAC her first semester because of depression and related issues. She had a chemical imbalance (as did her sister, but her sister’s happened at age 15 and was controlled by medication by college). She stayed at home, went to a cc or local school for about 18 months (and she was involved, in musicals and activities), then went to another well regarded college and did fine. The second LAC was MUCH closer to home in case it needed to be.</p>
<p>You have only given us a snapshot of the situation, but I would not send a suicidal child to a college more than a short distance from home (I’d prefer her to stay home). She might be thrilled about one of the dream schools, but no college experience is ever perfect, and something will throw her again, whether it is a situation like the sorority rush where she doesn’t get picked or doesn’t have a date or gets a B on a paper. Something.</p>
<p>If you’d said she doesn’t like the college or didn’t fit in or was homesick, then yes, another situation might fix it. A new setting is not going to fix depression, especially a suicide attempt. My cousin needed to go to a lot of doctor appointments, try different medications and dosages, be in a familiar environment. She loved her first school, just couldn’t handle it.</p>