<p>Full rides require more ‘coaching’ and less ‘what have you done for me lately’. If a school offers thousands to tens of thousands per year to a teenager, one would better hope said teenager has a clue or two about what it takes to keep the scholarship, otherwise it’s (a) a harried post on CC and (b) back to First National Bank of Dad (or Mom). </p>
<p>My concern here is not the lack of communication because of lack of time - believe me, my DD1 is an architecture student and they’re on 24/7 and she finds time for lots of text messages and pictures of her work and time for one call a day… Dropping out because of ‘no time’ argument is bogus beyond belief, and we can sugar coat it all we want as parents that ‘our kids are busy what with differential equations, marathon running 101, and dna sequencing on your cellphone type classes’ but it ain’t so. </p>
<p>Even worse, lack of communication because ‘it ain’t cool to talk to one’s parents’ is a financial capital offense. If my child is a Rhodes-Scholar-to-be with a 54.000 GPA I want to be the first to know. If my child is about to go on suspension because she failed ‘Elbonian Literature’ I want to know as well. </p>
<p>Communication is NOT control. Communication is merely a way to make sure things that need to get done get done. I can wait for DD1’s registrar’s office to post her grades from the local college for a couple of summer courses or I can insist that DD1 plants her tail on said registrar’s office until she finds out what the status is. If DD1 can’t be bothered to do such things, and waits for fate to take its toll, then we have a problem.</p>
<p>Last year DS was a freshman and we asked for a weekly “I’m alive” phone call. He called every Sunday for very brief chats - just fine. We did run into a situation where we needed specific information regarding a plane reservation and he didn’t call with it or text (something we do rarely). When we finally reached him we addressed the situation as a matter of respect, ie that DS had been disrespectful by not responding about something rather crucial. He understood and apologized.
Fast forward to this year - sophomore. We asked him what he wanted to do in terms of staying in touch and are following his lead with the caveat that he returns any calls we initiate since we promise to call only if necessary.<br>
Obviously there has to be balance between the student and the parents and there also has to be respect that goes both ways. Not giving information related to billing is disrespectful. Perhaps the son feels that weekly calls disrespect him. If possible, all the issues need to be laid out in the table and compromises reached - perhaps a family counselor could help facilitate the conversation.</p>
<p>Mutual respect and understanding seems key. Mom wants more contact right now, S wants less. It might be possible to meet in the middle. If I were feeling ignored I might just take my time responding to requests a time or two and see if that helped S understand how it feels to be ignored.</p>
<p>That said, I m also inclined to back off and give more space than I might personally want right now.</p>
<p>For me, I love my family. I’ll see them on every major holiday for the majority of my life. I’ll be there for their emergencies and they will be there for my emergencies. This does not require weekly or even monthly contact. </p>
<p>Parents have trouble grasping the concept that their children don’t want to be their best friends. But it’s natural. </p>
<p>"No, but if you love someone, you care about their feelings. "</p>
<p>The idea that you’re considering blackmailing your child into giving you weekly calls is incredibly needy. This statment also ONLY considers the feelings of 1/2 of the party anyways</p>
<p>Maybe its not the students being rude/ungreatful by asking you not to call so often? Maybe it’s you being rude and not showing your children the respect they deserve by demanding contact on a much too frequent basis and not respecting their feelings/boundaries? </p>
<p>It’s wierd, who would want to talk to a person regularily who they know doesnt actually want to talk to them?! Sounds awful.</p>
<p>Whatdidyou: " There is nothing worse than answering the phone only to have it be my dad who doesn’t have anything at all that he wants to say. Annoying."</p>
<p>May your own child say this about you some day.</p>
<p>(Hint to the “sensitivity challenged”: Could these “annoying” phone calls possibly be your dad’s way of saying he’s thinking about you, he cares about you, he loves you, and he’s interested in what you’re doing and what you have to say?)</p>
<p>I’ve called (or written letters to) my mom weekly during 25 years I’ve been away from her.
(My mom taught me this–she called/wrote to her own mother and mother-in-law weekly–it was just “what was done”–the way to show respect for parents and maintain the relationship, keep them informed). Two years ago mom had a stroke, and she’s not “all there.” In fact, every time I call her, she says what she wants to say, and invariably hangs up on me mid-sentence when I start talking. (It’s a little hard to take, but even though our relationship is very limited these days, I still call my mom to show her that I love and respect her.) </p>
<p>Yesterday, my freshman son–also a kid of extremely few words-- called me to say, “So, I’m doing my laundry. . .which setting do you think would be best for. . .?” I got a kick out of that. He has talked to one family member or another–mostly little sisters who miss him very much–every day. Today was the first day he didn’t call or someone didn’t call him. I had to tell his sisters to give him some space. (He has a full ride and I’m paying next to nothing for his education. But apparently, though he isn’t financially obliged, he doesn’t at all mind talking to us.)<br>
I think once a week is very reasonable. If he can’t be bothered to send a simple text once a week to let parents know he’s still alive, that is pretty darn rude and inconsiderate, and sad, imo.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think my relationship with my parents would really suffer if they blackmailed/bullied me into talking to them a certain amount to meet their quota. Talk to me or I wont pay for school? Threatening might work in the short term, but what about long term? Once your kid’s financially independent, what’s to make him/her talk with you ever? Bitterness and resentment that parents forced him/her to do what they want? That’s no way to establish a strong relationship. Afterwards, I think a kid would be more inclined to avoid parents.</p>
<p>There should be mutual respect. Yes, a kid should be considerate enough to call and check in. But a parent should also be considerate of the kids feelings and not force it on him/her. Respectfully let him know how you feel but don’t force him to.</p>
<p>Scanned the posts. Been there, done that, as the mother of a son. Every year the same concerns come up. Once a week it is good to touch base. You can easily send chatty emails to let him know what is going on in the hometown- easily read at his convenience. It is good to set up a once a week phone call- long or short depending on how busy he is- to touch base. We still do with our 22 year old post college working son. Consider Sunday afternoon- before the evening studying and it typically doesn’t interfere with weekend activites. Do not play the “I’m paying for this, you owe me” card. Instead remind him how you and your spouse (or you and your parents) keep in touch with each other and you just want to be sure he is okay, find out if there is anything he wants etc. Do not expect answers to your questions or replies to voice mail or emails. My son was bad at answering the “when do you want to be picked up for a planned visit home” queries (frustrating when determining when to start the trip, sigh). </p>
<p>College years can be frustrating for parents as the rules change. I found communication was best when son initiated it, on his terms. He is also much more talkative now than as a teen. Letting go and realizing your child is becoming a competent adult takes getting used to.</p>
<p>As much as I want to, I ma terrible about calling relatives, and would love to better, but somehow I don’t. I have beenmsorry several times. I just wish calls could be short and sweet, but I know they won’t be, and ihave a hard time getting past that. </p>
<p>But this…</p>
<p>“There is nothing worse than answering the phone only to have it be my dad who doesn’t have anything at all that he wants to say”</p>
<p>I am only on page two, and do not speak to my sophomore son regularly, but to anyone who has nothing worse than this in their life, I sure hope you stay this fortunate.</p>
<p>For the record, I have almost always made time to answer my collge kids’ calls when they needed an emotional dump before they go on their merry way.</p>
<p>Son DOES know I’m a bit of a “creeper” on Facebook if he doesn’t check in from time to time, and he has handled this quite well, including spelling out my name in post so he knows that I’ll see it.</p>
<p>We call our weekly telephone request a “proof of life” call. I want to hear DS voice and he thinks nothing of giving us a few moments of his time. He may laugh about how his parents are desperate to hear his voice, but it is an adjustment to go from seeing someone daily to having no contact. Luckily he cares enough about us to humor us.
Truthfully, I had a childhood friend that was murdered and nobody knew she was missing for days because her parents assumed she was with a friend, and the friend just assumed that she decided not to visit after all. It may seem “helpicopterish” to want to know he is alive at least once weekly, and I will accept that.</p>
<p>What about a quick text every couple of days? My D who is 15 went away to BU for 4 weeks this summer. I went days w/o hearing from her. She always responded to a quick text of “Are you happy?” I’m totally prepared for the fact she’ll need distance in school. This is a healthy normal part of growing up.</p>
<p>I think it would scare me if she wanted to talk everyday.</p>
<p>There are so many ways to stay in touch now that it seems hard to imagine being out of touch for weeks at a time. A one-line email with a link to an interesting article, a text, a call, facebook. It’s easier than ever to stay connected. I have four kids and the youngest just left for college. He is clearly talking to his siblings more than to me right now but I get why – they have more advice to offer regarding college, especially the sibling who went to the same school. But I do expect him to stay in touch with me. </p>
<p>It’s all very well to talk about autonomy, etc. but your parents will not always be there. I doubt most people regret calling their parents too often. But I bet a lot of people regret not calling enough.</p>
<p>Op, the frequency that your freshman and you communicate with each other is totally dependent on your own personal situtation. There is no right or wrong.</p>
<p>If both the parent and the kid don’t really feel the need to communicate that much, or if both the parent and the kid like to keep in touch frequently then it’s easier for both sides to get the frequency of contact that they “need.” The upset feelings come with there is a disconnect with the frequency of desired talking which can happen between men (son) and women (mom). Maybe let a month or two pass so that he can develop his independence and then talk about factual things like what classes he has. Holding out demands and ultimatums would make him want to talk less, rather than more, I would think.</p>
<p>Because the amount of connection needed by men and women are different, it would be interesting to hear if Op’s son’s Dad felt that the amount of communication was too infrequent.</p>
<p>music222, I would suggest that you print out this thread and read it again in 25 years or so. I’ll bet donuts to dollars that you won’t have the same sentiments that you have posted here.</p>
<p>Are you young? You appear to be, in which case I proffer that you don’t know about regret. Talk to me when you’re 65 and your parents are no longer around. I think you’re displaying braggadocio to make your point.</p>
<p>If you don’t have a healthy relationship with your parents, that informs your position and clarifies why it would be a logical stance for you not to want to communicate regularly with them. However, if you do have a healthy relationship with them and are temporarily addled with being young and unempathetic (based on your responses to the parents here), then I am sorry to say that you will experience regret one day that you weren’t more communicative with your parents. I don’t wish that for you, but it’s simply what happens when we lose loved ones. </p>
<p>There appear to be a dichotomy here in the responses from the parents v. the students. </p>
<p>OP, I think mimk6 said it best in #56 above. In any event, I think it’s best to give your son a couple of weeks, and then have a conversation with him about respect. Come to a compromise that meets both of your needs to some extent. Good luck.</p>