<p>There seems to be alot of strong feelings on this issue and I'd like to have a friendly discussion! Please no personal attacks or hurt feelings - obviously everything we say here is an OPINION, strong or otherwise, nothing more. Keep that in mind, we're all adults here (probably!). If you can't play nice or cannot stand reading others' strong opinions, stay away!</p>
<p>Parents often want to talk with their college students (who sometimes go to college hours and hours away) about how they are doing, what their lives are like,...etc. This is often a very emotional time for parents and to a lesser extend, students. Some parents like to be facebook freinds, text every day, call weekly/daily, and so on. One of my parents actually arrived at my apartment doorstep one morning, after driving for hours, unanounced to take me to breakfast!</p>
<p>Students are often seeking their independence, having new experiences, making new friends, pursuing their goals, and don't feel like talking to their parents at the same frequency at which their parents wish to communicate with them. </p>
<p>How often do you and your student/parent talk to eachother? Do you wish it happended more often? Have you, whether you are a parent or a student (it goes both ways), resorted or thought about resorting to blackmail/bribery, whether emotional or monetary, to acheive your desired result? Do parents feel like their students owe them to have regular discussions on a meaningful level? If so, how regular? Do students feel like parents are overly needy, invading their space, and unreasonable in this matter? If so, what would be reasonable to you? </p>
<p>Can you even begin to understand where your student/parent is coming from? Would you be willing to come to a middle ground or is it your way or the highway?</p>
<p>MODERATOR’S NOTE: If there is ANY discourtesy or bickering, I will close this thread. I had to delete the other one because it was beyond cleaning up.</p>
<p>I think I was the first to respond on the other thread. Maybe I’ll get first shot on this one, too.</p>
<p>Sometimes we talk once a week, sometimes several times a day, if we’re working on an issue, like booking his flight home or trying to get his FA award straightened out. I’ve never had to resort to threatening to cut him off if he didn’t call, though there have been times when I’ve voiced displeasure at his lack of communication.</p>
<p>The bottom line is we like and respect each other. He gets that we worry, and we get that he needs independence. There’s a whole lot of middle ground when that baseline is established.</p>
<p>I must have missed the fireworks. I’ve responded to a few of these threads as they pop up in various forms now and again. We skype once a week on Sunday’s. Both parents get to chat at once, sibs at home will run down and say hello. We chat about 30min. We work according to his schedule and have swapped to Monday on weeks he was busy, nbd. If we need to talk to him (rarely) we text and ask him to call when he’s free and he always gets back to us. Other then that he’ll text a bit through the week. We try to give him space. We do not make unannounced visits, although we are close enough that I guess we could. We were more worried about the grandparents showing up, but they’ve been well behaved.</p>
<p>Everyone has to find what works for their family. My best friend is very close with her DD but she simply waits for her to check in. Sometimes its several times a day, sometimes it’s two weeks without a word. It works for them. Another friend went a month with no word from her son. It would drive me batty, but she was pretty zen. Yet another girlfriend has her son call every day. It’s normal in their culture to stay very connected and he doesn’t seem to mind. Again, it works for them.</p>
<p>At some point my son may decide the weekly skype calls no longer work for him and we’ll modify and adjust from there. Nothing is set in stone and has to work for both parties.</p>
<p>My D is a junior now, and frequency has evolved over the years. I was very frustrated freshman year because she did not contact us frequently enough to suit me. However, in retrospect, I realize that she thought she was calling home a lot, because she would call during the day and talk to my husband, who was retired. Even though he told me about the calls when I returned from work, my brain did not compute the call as the obligatory communication I needed. But her evenings were filled with events that prevented her from making calls before my bedtime. I remained patient, and tried to text regularly, hoping she would reply. Sometimes she did.</p>
<p>By second semester, she was settled in, and calls became more frequent. Fast forward to now, and she calls several times a week. We are not a family that expects daily communication. One call a week would suffice. But I think she calls more frequently because she has things she wants to discuss with us, such as material covered in class, the latest political blunder, or something she has done socially. In fact, we are at the stage where our communication is more meaningful when she is away at school than when she is at home. She’s speaking to us adult to adult. I love that.</p>
<p>With D2, I think we will have more heartburn about her frequency, or lack thereof. I know if we push it, we will kill her desire to call, so we will just have to be patient, and ride it out until she matures and views us as something other than the enemy. Or maybe we will get lucky.</p>
<p>I think that for communication that parents should let the student lead the charge and determine what is enough. Obviously if you need to contact them about travel plans or an up coming family wedding or whatever you need to, but if you send a text or leave a message and your child doesn’t get back to you, don’t send 10 more texts asking “did you get my text”. It’s hard to let go and cell phones make it even harder. Remember being back in college when you could only call home once a week/at night when the calling rates were at their lowest? Keep that in mind when you send your kids off to college.</p>
<p>We usually talked once a week but based on our son’s grades last semester we will likely be talking more often…</p>
<p>In any case, I think the emphasis on any parent to student communications needs to be in the quality and not the quantity. Calling every day to just get an answer of “everything is going fine” may make parents feel better but if the kiddos aren’t open enough then no number of calls, Skype sessions, texts, etc will help.</p>
<p>As a parent, my own preferred frequency is about once a week if things are truly going “fine”, but every parent and student will be different.</p>
<p>My ds (soph) calls or txts nearly daily and has since he was a frosh. This is not my request, in fact I told him that he really doesn’t need to call/txt that frequently. But this is his MO, and it may decrease over time - which would be a good sign. But right now, he feels comfortable calling and just touching base - it’s not like he’s asking for advice or input or permission, just a friendly “this is what I’ve been up to, how about you.” My dd1 (hs senior) will be entirely different when she goes. I will be lucky to hear from her once a week, maybe once a month. It really is driven by their comfort level and the comfort level of the parents. My dd1 has never really relied on me for input to her decisions so I don’t know why it would start when she goes off to college. fwiw.</p>
<p>We set up where at least on sundays we would chat if we hadn’t communicated during the week. I have sent the are you alive texts, but more in jest. I told my daughters it was for me not them that I knew they could handle it but as dad wasn’t a big texture then or fone talker but would ask how the girls were, being able to say great here are their texts did wonders for him. </p>
<p>I also leArned to not nag ask too many questions. It was more omgoodness the dog just did something sooo silly. </p>
<p>Just couple of times it was please call asap when you can ita fin aid again issue we need to figure out.</p>
Parents, be satisfied with frequent, but very short conversations. Your kid may be willing to give you a quick call on the cell phone while walking across campus. This will not be a lengthy heart-to-heart.
Many kids will talk to you occasionally, but will not want to tell you “about their lives.” Especially boys. You may have to wait until you see them in person to get more.
Don’t ask too many questions if you want them to call you often. Don’t nag.
If you just want contact, send a brief text question. It shouldn’t be “how are you?”, but something like, “What was the name of the guy who was your soccer coach in seventh grade?” They are much more likely to answer the second kind of question–and you will at least know they are alive. (Again, this is especially true for boys.)
Another way to get contact is to text something funny. You might at least get back “LOL.”
If you can afford it, pay for a family cell plan with unlimited calls and texts. They are more likely to call if they think it doesn’t cost anything.</p>
<p>“I know if we push it, we will kill her desire to call, so we will just have to be patient, and ride it out until she matures and views us as something other than the enemy.”</p>
<p>Lol. I think this is actually pretty normal. Which is why I think threatening to remove financial support can do more harm than good. If you are supporting them, you obviously have leverage now, but you won’t always. </p>
<p>@hunt: Great tips! #2 and #4 are especially true for me (and I’m a boy). And it’s true, generally its only when I’m with them in person that I tell them anything substantial. </p>
<p>By the time children are college-aged, they don’t necesarrily crave their parents attentionn anymore - although it seems the roles reverse at that point - and its the parents who crave the contact. And you can’t really blame the students, they are starting their adult lives, have lived under, sometimes, seemingly arbitrary rules for the 1st 17+ years of their lives, many need a little breathing room. </p>
<p>“My dd1 has never really relied on me for input to her decisions so I don’t know why it would start when she goes off to college.”</p>
<p>We have no hard or set rules at all. He calls when he feels like it. We rarely initiate as we have no idea when he is in class, practice, studying or sleeping. Since we sent him to sleepaway camp for two months every summer since he was 7, we were quite use to not having him around and not talking to him for long periods of time. So going off to school and not communicating much hasn’t phased us one bit. We’ve never skyped as none of us think that is necessary either.</p>
<p>Our older two would text maybe once/week. Our DD will text probably several times/week. Our other DS we will have to get his roommate’s cell phone and check with him to see if DS is still alive–or, keep the funds low in his bank account so he has to call for more money :D.</p>
<p>My D is now a junior and over the years we have not really changed our communication pattern much. Sometimes when she is really, really busy, we may go a few days, but generally, we text 5-6 days a week, if just a quick exchange. Sometimes we email longer messages, and I often email her interesting bits from our local newpaper. We talk at least a couple of times a week, at her convenience and I usually don’t call her…I let her call me. If she is walking from one place to another, it may be a quick call, but sometimes it’s an hour or more late at night. If there is something specific we need to discuss (finances, etc) I will text her and ask her to call me when she can. We skype probably once a month, often with her BF. I realize that I am very blessed she still wants to stay this close. She doesn’t get to come home often (Christmas and a week this summer and that is ALL). The contact we have is precious to me, and while it may not always be like this, I appreciate how much she includes me in her life while remaining a strong, independent woman.</p>
<p>We have a short chat with our now sophomore once a week. He generally calls on Sunday eves. Very occasionally we’ll be in touch more often but that is usually around a logistics issue. No FB, no Skype. We’re all comfortable with this plan - initiated by our kiddo.</p>
<p>When my son went off to college in '06 we talked and agreed that calling every week, probably Sunday afternoon, would work best for him, and he would initiate the call when it is convenient for him. This has been our routine for the past six years and continues to this day. We may email if we have something to ask or say during the week, but we generally save up any questions until he calls on Sundays. If a Sunday comes and goes without a call, which happens occasionally, we wait and we’ll get a call on Monday evening with a, “Sorry I wasn’t able to call yesterday- got home really late,” or something like that. Sometimes our calls last five minutes, sometimes 45 minutes, depending. It’s such a relaxed routine now that I really take it for granted. Reading the last thread on the topic makes me realize how lucky we are that DS has no problem with our little ritual.</p>
<p>Older D would call once/week, usually when she was walking around campus. Now that she is working full time she calls on weekends, or when she wants to discuss something. We have had a lot of discussions about health care plans and various forms she has to fill out.</p>
<p>S sees no need to talk to us unless he has an issue to discuss, or wants to use my credit card to order something online. I do occasionally text him to make sure he is alive, but he does not like talking on the phone so we don’t do it much anymore. I expect I will text him at the end of the week to see how his first week of class went, and he will reply ‘fine’.</p>
<p>Younger D will probably call more than I want to hear from her next year when she hits college. She has always been different from the rest of the family.</p>
<p>For myself, once or even twice a week would have been too frequent considering my busy schedule and the then strong desire to prove I can cope independently as a 17 year old freshman. In practice, my contacts with my parents…mostly mom was probably once every 6-8 weeks. </p>
<p>Granted, I had a near-full ride and worked-part time to make up the difference so my parents had no financial leverage over me and my relations with my father wasn’t that great in my first year or two. </p>
<p>It also helped that in my parents’ culture/generation, there was the thinking that more frequent contact expected by parents exhibited a lack of confidence in the maturity/independence of their undergrad among other parents of their culture/generation. </p>
<p>That and the fact frequent demanded familial contact…including mandatory attendance at an aunt’s social dinner parties by one aunt was a factor in some older cousins being kicked out of grad school for academic reasons made it such that my requests for infrequent contact was taken with much understanding by the parents.</p>
<p>Saw this tweet today by my S2: “dad, relax. its junior year of college i dont need you checking in on me everyday via miscellaneous internet avenues”.</p>
<p>Clearly my DH has not gotten the message that S2 would rather be the one to initiate contact. For the record, he has been back at school for eleven days and I have not felt the need to contact him. Of course I do see that he’s alive every day by following him on Twitter.</p>